Dating with small children can be difficult, and taking a vacation with small children can be anything but relaxing.
If the child is your significant other's and you're on parenting duty all holiday long, you might want a break. With an added twist that you actually break up during your trip, you definitely want to get away from your romantic getaway.
A woman dealing with this odd situation turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over the flight home, of all things.
CurrentCheesecake123 asked:
"AITA for leaving my ex to sit and take care of his child alone and taking a business class upgrade for myself?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (30, female) had been dating 'Matt' (33, male) for about a year. Matt has a kid 'Alex' from his first relationship—the kid is under 2 years old."
"Every now and then I used to look after Alex when Matt was at work. We don't live together, but they stayed at mine every now and then."
"We decided to go on holiday for 10 days at the start of May, and due to some family drama, Alex had to go with us. The flights were over 8 hours long, and I had booked the tickets for all of us."
"During the flight and the holiday, I spent nearly all of my time looking after Alex while Matt had the time of his life. Some things came to my attention—he was still seeing his ex—which resulted in us breaking up at the end of our stay."
"On the flight back we were all sitting together and a flight attendant approached us and asked my ex if he wanted an upgrade to business class. Before he could say anything, I mentioned it was me who bought the tickets and used my own account to pay for them, so an upgrade should go to me."
"The flight attendant was trying to argue at first as she assumed Alex was my child, but I told her that's not the case and ended up having an upgrade so I can relax after spending all this time looking after Alex."
"After the flight Matt, a few other passengers who also assumed I am the mum, as well as some family members and friends back here at home called me an a**hole for not giving the upgrade to Matt, even after I mentioned the flight attendant didn't say anything about Alex being allowed to join Matt."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be an a**hole for insisting on taking a seat upgrade that was offered to my ex since I paid for the tickets and used my miles account, so I can have a rest after spending the entire time looking after his child Alex."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Damn OP that sucks, paying for a flight, in a breakup, taking care of a child on YOUR vacation. You by no means are the a**hole, hell the audacity of the ex is unbelivable."
"It just pisses me off so much that I can't even begin to imagine your frustration. Honestly, i would say move on, but you seem to already be doing that so I got nothin else to say.
"Oh, and by the way, the real a**hole is the ex." ~ DamnDamnDamnDamnDa
People weren't letting the flight attendant off the hook either.
"The flight attendant is an a**hole too. Why would it be OK to leave the mom with the kid, but not the dad?"
"Why did they not first offer to the person who bought the tickets as that's where the priority should've been? They have a list of who they can upgrade based on their status with the airline." ~ Individual_Water3981
"Her offering the boyfriend/man originally—like he is some poor fella who needs a break from a child—and shaming the woman for doing what she was offering the boyfriend makes me think her flight attendant was a massive a**hole." ~ sunlightofourpast
"I would complain to the airline about the sexism shown by the air steward. As you said there is a list and as OP booked the tickets it would have been her name for the upgrade. NTA."
"I thought it was the person who booked—she was signed up for air miles—that those people would be offered the upgrade first. Hard to tell if that was the case or if the FA just offered to upgrade to a man." ~ Zsazsabinks
"For me the steward was an a**hole when he/she attempted to 'argue' that it was only appropriate that the penis deserved the upgrade."
"The appropriate response would have been to say an upgrade was feasible and escort whoever claimed it and not make assumptions for a couple." ~ laurazhobson
"Exactly!"
"FA: (to ex) 'Would you care for an upgrade?'."
"OP: 'I actually bought the tickets'."
"FA: 'Oh well, then would YOU like an upgrade?'."
"OP: 'Yes!'." ~ LingonberryPrior6896
"Wait, why would it be OK for the father to ditch their child to be upgraded to business and not OK for the mother to do the same?"
"Even if this—mother and father—isn't the case here, the other passengers seem to think so. This is some sexist sh*t."
"NTA. Dump him permanently. He doesn't seem to appreciate you at all." ~ MRandomRedditAccount
"Sadly that's the world we live in. Mom has to sacrifice everything for their kids, while dad can have fun."
"I've seen it first hand with my husband." ~ PercentageUnhappy117
"This right here is why many women are choosing to be child-free now, including myself." ~ -Avacyn
"NTA. I bet it was probably nice to put some space between you and your brand-new ex with such a long flight, too."
"What was he going to do, take the upgrade and leave his young kid with the woman who he just broke up with? There's no world in which that makes any sense."
"Since he's one of the people mad at her, and he's rallying other people to be mad at her, I think that's pretty clearly what he'd do, but it's just utterly nonsensical." ~ KaliTheBlaze
"NTA—Who gives a sh*t what strangers on the plane think of you? He doesn't deserve your upgrade." ~ captainhowdy82
"He doesn't deserve anything! I bet if she announced what happened, the whole plane would be on her side. NTA." ~ notentirely_fearless
"I would have announced it, loudly so the back could hear it too. Maybe fully name drop him so single woman know to stay clear of him in the future." ~ Cute_Assumption_7047
"NTA. I would clearly have stated loudly in response to anyone commenting, 'I'm not even related to the child—he's the dad. I'm just the idiot who was used to paying for this flight and then had his child dumped on me the whole time. I'm not even in a relationship any more with this dead beat cheater. So never make judgements when you don't have a clue'." ~ Sweet-Interview5620
"NTA—he's lucky you didn't cancel his tickets. You deserve an actual vacation instead of an unpaid nanny gig."
"Being stuck with most of the childcare would have been grounds for a breakup even if you were the bio mom." ~ FYourAppLeaveMeAlone
"I would have announced to the cabin that, 'We broke up on the trip I paid for because he was caught cheating on me with the ex who is the mother of this child' since he was trying to get angry sympathy." ~ Petite_Tsunami
"I had the same thought! 'Attention passengers, this guy is cheating on me with the baby mama, and I paid for these goddamn tickets. Now enjoy your in-flight entertainment." ~ CheshireCat6886
"NTA. I love the symbolism of you going on to better things and leaving him behind to deal with his own life. Haters gonna hate. You go girl." ~ Outrageous-Ad-9635
"Why are friends and family members weighing in on this? How is it any of their business?"
"OP, you are NTA, but Matt and those friends and family certainly are." ~ East-Ad-1560
"NTA—there is no reasonable universe in which you are an a.**hole here. It is his child, and with no obligation you'd already done a lot for and with the kid."
"From what you write it is very hard to understand why anyone would think you made the wrong move here." ~ justnorse
"Ignore the strangers. For your family members and friends, ask them directly face-to-face, 'Explain to me precisely why you think I owed a man free babysitting after I learned he was cheating on me?'."
"There is no reasonable explanation on their end. The only true answer is that they think you don't deserve respect or decency. For me, it doesn't matter if it's personal or because you are a woman. NTA." ~ concretism
"NTA. And even if you were the mom, why should Matt get the upgrade? 90% of the time the mom is the one caring for the kids and in need of a break." ~ WishmeluckOG
People were pretty clear in their judgment.
When dating someone with children, it can be hard to tell if their interest is in finding a romantic partner or a free babysitter.
Looks like OP got their answer on this vacation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp