Maintaining a good relationship with your ex-spouse following a divorce can be challenging.
As seeing them can remind you of all the painful memories that led to your splitting up.
Parents who choose to divorce, however, try to stay cordial if only for the sake of their children.
Sometimes, however, remaining on friendly terms simply isn’t possible, no matter how hard you might try.
Redditor Birgit_Kraft and his wife went through a fairly challenging divorce.
Not helped by a rather intense legal battle, the original poster (OP)’s ex-wife put him through.
Indeed, their relationship proved to be so hostile that the OP refused to help his ex-wife when she found herself in a very vulnerable position.
Having regrets upon his behavior on reflection, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole’ (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to take my ex-wife to the ER?”
The OP explained he was looking back at a particular moment in his divorce with a fair amount of regret and doubt:
“This incident occurred a decade ago, but recently came up in conversation with my oldest son, who was 7 at the time.”
“While I believed I was justified in the moment, over the years I have come to the conclusion that I am not proud of my actions that day.”
“My son maintains that I did the right thing.”
“Six months prior to the incident, my wife and I had agreed to divorce after her extra-marital activities came to light.”
“We agreed on everything except who would keep the house.”
“I told her that unless she took over the mortgage and utilities that I would not be leaving.”
“Two months prior, when it was evident that I was staying put, she made a play to remove me from the home, and had me served with a 2-week TRO.”
“Caught off guard, I rented a room with a coworker in the neighborhood and hired a lawyer.”
“I followed all the rules, went to court, answered all of the judge’s questions, and the TRO was revoked.”
“After 3 weeks I was back in my house and she was angrier than ever.”
“I’m including this background only because it explains my combative state of mind during the event.”
“Two weeks prior, I took my kids out of state to visit family for Christmas and New Years.”
“I asked Amy, my soon-to-be-ex-wife to shovel the walk and porch stairs while we were away.”
“She didn’t, and upon our return there was 2 inches of ice on the stairs and sidewalk.”
“The day after we returned, Amy had arranged to meet up with a craigslister to buy a piece of furniture for the house she had rented.”
“She was going with her friend Lisa, who had also set up a CL purchase of her own.”
“When Lisa pulled into the driveway, Amy hurriedly ran out the door, slipped on the icy porch steps, and landed on a ceramic planter, cutting her hand open.”
“It wasn’t a life or death situation, but there was blood and she did need stitches.”
“She came back in, freaking out. I told her to go wrap it up and have Lisa take her to the ER. Meanwhile, Lisa had come up to the door to see what the commotion was about.”
“I told Lisa that she needed to take Amy to the ER. Lisa said she wasn’t going to blow off her CL meetup, and that I should take her.”
“I said that ER visits weren’t part of my role any more.”
“Lisa accused me of acting abusively.”
“I sarcastically asked her why she would want to leave her friend dependent on her abuser.”
“Ultimately, Lisa left for her meetup, and I packed up the kids and dropped off Amy at the ER.”
“I let her find her own way home.”
“We owned only manual cars, and her injury would have made her unable to shift gears.”
“If you had asked me the next day, I would have said I acted righteously and that Lisa should have stepped up for her friend.”
“With the clarity of time, I feel that I should have swallowed my pride and better demonstrated for my kids how a father should act.”
“Lay it on me.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to bring Amy to the hospital.
Everyone agreed that after everything Amy put the OP through, he was under no obligation to help her, especially considering her accident could have been completely avoided had she done what she was asked and shoveled the driveway.
“LOL lay WHAT on you?!”
“You did what you were asked, albeit begrudgingly (totally allowed) and went on your way.”
“She set herself up for that.”
“NTA.”
“When someone cheats on you, a divorce is granted and a marriage is terminated- any obligations are nixed.”
“You can be nice, be civil, but be for you and your kids… she has Lisa.”- DCpurpleTart33
“NTA.”
“But NTA just covers what you’re not, with no indication of what you are.”
“The older, wiser version of you has realized what it takes to be good.”- CommanderCosgrove
“There is so much FAFO in this story and none of it is on you.”
“Why didn’t she shovel?”
“She wanted to get injured?”
“Wish granted.”
“Cheat on your hubs, he might not take care of you any longer.”
“Friend was probably helping her cheat.”
“Here is another example of how devoid of moral character she is.”
“Your friend is bleeding, but let me go hook up with a CL rando or pick up some mismatched furniture that’s a decade old?”
“Nah you good.”
“NTA.”- ChaoticCapricorn
“NTA.”
“That being said, I think that Lisa was a sh*tty friend and a sh*tty person.”- mpurdey12
“So your ex wife refused to clear the walkway and her friend needed a trip to the ER because of it.”
“You’re NTA, but your ex sure as hell is.”- WabbitCZEN
“NTA.”
“And you did demonstrate well for your kids.”
“That day you showed your kids how to be kind to someone, even if they have hurt you and you feel like they don’t deserve it, while keeping yourself safe from getting hurt again.”
“Kindness with boundaries is probably one of the hardest lessons to learn.”
“You helped her by taking her to the ER, even though the whole situation was on her.”
“You had no obligation to do- that’s the part where you showed kindness.”
“The boundaries- you tried to say no.”
“Previously she had to make some accusations about you to get that TRO and she clearly had made statements to her friend along the same lines if Lisa is throwing out the abuser line to you.”
“Between those things, the cheating, and everything else you are describing, you had clear evidence that this woman was not to be trusted at that time.”
“Getting in a car with her was a risk.”
“Staying at the ER with her would also have been a risk.”
“You may not have done this purposefully to protect yourself, but some part of you was probably acting in self-preservation even if you didn’t realize it.”- Agirlandherrobot
“NTA buddy.”
“Your ex treated you poorly – and frankly I’m not inclined to be outwardly nice and let myself get walked all over by somebody who treats me poorly either.”
“If, say, you and your ex split because it simply wasn’t working out, and there wasn’t hostility towards you, maybe you would have been TA.”
“But she was treating you aggressively and brought that upon herself.”
“Ultimately, she made poor decisions.”
“She got hurt.”
“You made sure it wasn’t a ‘this needs to be taken care of immediately or she will bleed out/die’ situation and then went ‘there’s someone else here who can be responsible for you, you probably should ask them to take you to the ER’.”
“If nothing else, you were protecting yourself from more initial claims of abuse or harassment by not taking her – because it would have been more time spent ‘alone with her’ or whatever.”
“Not wanting to out yourself in that situation isn’t unreasonable at all.”
“When you realized the alternative wasn’t a capable or willing option, you begrudgingly agreed.”
“What you modeled for your son, in my opinion, is this: ‘sometimes people can treat you really poorly and it’s okay to stand up for yourself and set boundaries with them to prevent further mistreatment’.”
“‘Despite that, there are times where you should make a hard decision to treat someone with basic respect and kindness when necessary, even if they don’t fully deserve it, and it’s still okay to set personal boundaries and not over-extend yourself in those circumstances, too’.”
“That’s probably one of the best lessons you could have taught your son at any age.”
“There’s a time and a place to protect yourself, but even people who hurt us are still human and should be treated with basic respect.”
“Basically, good job dude.”- kimar2z
The fact that the OP continues to feel guilty down the line shows that he does, indeed, still worry about Amy.
When it doesn’t seem that Amy cares remotely about the OP any more.
Amy’s lack of judgement or compassion is further exemplified by the fact that Lisa was more concerned about meeting someone she met on Craigslist than her friend’s health and safety.
One can only hope that Amy has grown up over the passing years, and also regrets some of the choices she made following this divorce.