As unfortunate as it is to think about, some families are really terrible for how they collectively treat a few target family members.
In those situations, it's easier to imagine running off and starting a new life, especially if someone presumably kind brings up the subject of marriage.
But being married will not necessarily fix all of a person's problems, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit. In fact, it could create brand-new ones.
Redditor airphilter was preparing to get married and was regularly bullied by her older brother's wife, and the rest of her family supported her sister-in-law's bad behavior.
Because of how they were treating her, the Original Poster (OP) pondered not inviting any of them for her special day.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not letting my brother and his wife come to my wedding?"
The OP's sister-in-law (SIL) treated her terribly.
"I (19 Female) am autistic and no one else in my family is (I was adopted)."
"One of my brothers Marcus (29 Male) got married to Lilith (28 Female) six years ago. They lived away from here, so I didn't know her that well until they moved back here a bit over a year ago."
"I was really happy at first to have my brother around more but that happiness didn't last long."
"It started with Lilith referring to me as 'it.' I told her she could use 'she' or 'they' for me but 'it' made me uncomfortable, and she apologized."
"Then she did it another time, and when I corrected her, she said it was 'just a joke.' I told her that it wasn't funny and not to do it."
"A while after that, I was having a hard time and needed to leave bowling early, and I heard Lilith say to Marcus as I was leaving, 'Don't feel bad, it isn't your fault it's restarted.' If you don't know, 'restarted' is a variation of the r-word slur."
"I was upset and talked to Marcus a couple of days later and told me she was just joking. I told him that it really bothered me and he said he would talk to her."
The OP later changed her wedding plans because of her sister-in-law.
"Fast forward a bit, and my fiance Shawn (28 Male) showed me a conversation he had with Lilith over text. She had basically insinuated that he has a k**k for r-word girls and that he did a good job finding such a pretty one who can't think but must be nice in other ways."
"Shawn was very upset that she had said this and so was I."
"I tried to talk to Marcus, but he just told me that Lilith has a dark sense of humor and that she didn't mean to upset anyone."
"I felt hurt by this still. So, when we made invites, we didn't include Marcus or Lilith. When they asked about it, I just explained why I chose what I did. They were livid."
The OP's family reacted in a very unexpected way.
"Now, all of my family is saying that if I don't let Marcus and Lilith come, they won't come, either."
"They bring it up whenever I see them, or try and talk to them, and they tell me I'm being an a**hole about it."
"They know what Lilith said, and they think I'm being 'dramatic' and 'weird' about it."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that such toxic people didn't need to attend a wedding.
"NTA. You don't want an unpleasant, toxic person at your wedding."
"You are not being dramatic. You are not being weird."
"I'm so sorry your brother isn't defending you from her abuse. It sounds like you're right about making some space between the two of you. Unfortunately, your family is outing themselves as people who believe the filth she is saying."
"I'm so sorry. You don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm sending you so much love. I hope you have a beautiful wedding." - Personal_Regular_569
"You're reacting appropriately to being significantly disrespected after repeatedly asking her to stop. I would be looking more closely at the attitudes of her apologists, they're likely defending her because they see their own bigotry in her behavior and don't want to face that it's wrong."
"You're NTA, every person defending bigotry and disrespect is and it would be appropriate to limit your contact with them, possibly to no contact." - Chance-Lavishness947
"Your whole family sounds toxic and ableist. I think you'll have a happier time without them and at least go low contact."
"Lilith is treating you disgustingly. Don't be afraid to stand up to all these bullies. You can have a fresh start and not settle for horrible people!"
"Good luck, OP!" - unicornhair1991
"If Lilith was brave enough to text all that to OP's fiancé, it wouldn't surprise me if there's a whole family group chat where she regularly sh*ts on OP and no one calls her out on it. They've become desensitized to it and have possibly joined in because it seems to be the simplest way to stay in Lilith's good graces."
"I hope OP doesn't cave in and invite this person. I can't imagine the type of 'jokes' she'll circulate around the room at the wedding, or worse, the sort of 'jokes' she'll drop once she gets a mic in her hand."
"Her family SUCKS." - ThereAreAlwaysDishes
"Let the others drop out, too. Of course, you shouldn't have these horrible people at your wedding! What the f**k is wrong with these people?"
"A smaller wedding is much better than a wedding with hateful, rude people and their defenders. NTA. Block Lilith and your brother, and ask your fiancé to do the same, and enjoy your life without them." - Intrepid_Respond_543
"NTA. Be petty and show them just how petty and weird you can be. Anyone saying they won't come if they don't come, rescind their invite. It's your wedding. You should be around people who celebrate you and love you. Not people who belittle and insult and definitely not people who support them."
"The only two people who you need at your wedding are you and your soon-to-be hubby. If anything - anyone who is trying to strong-arm you into getting those two to attend is doing you a favor by showing you that you don't need them in your life."
"You're starting a new journey in life, sometimes people take different roads, and honey, you have to let them."
"If you allow any of these people to attend, you're going to be dealing with this for a long time. It's basically showing them that they can behave this way, and you'll accept it. Don't accept it." - Apprehensive_Pie4940
But others cautioned the OP to put more thought into the age gap in her relationship.
"She's 19 and autistic, so she probably can't pick up on the subtle red flags. The SIL might not be so far off, I hate to say it. This reeks of being taken advantage of." - Macintosh0211
"If you're a 19-year-old with an abusive family dynamic, you might not be able to recognize unhealthy dynamics in your own relationship, but all you think you want in life is just to get away from your toxic family, so you'll jump into a marriage that might provide more financial security and the freedom from the people who have been going along with your SIL calling you the r-word." - AliceInWeirdoLand
"The fact that she's autistic too opens even more doors for abuse! Please, OP, if you read this from one autistic woman to another, do not marry this man. You still have so much development ahead of you and so much to learn and acclimate to. Don't marry the first dude who 'accepted' you for who you are."
"As rude as your SIL was, she sadly possibly has a point. Not only did he pick a girl almost ten years younger than him and plucked her right out of high school, it seems (no idea how you even met), but he also went for one that is neurodivergent and, therefore, so much easier to manipulate and control than even your average teenager."
"Please, I'm about to turn 26. When I was 16, I dated a guy who was 25, almost 26, just as I am now. I'm REPULSED by 16-year-olds. H**l, even 20-year-olds are starting to become annoying and distant. I can't even imagine what a man who's almost 30 wants from you."
"Trust me, you're in for a s**tty ride, worst case with abuse down the line, and best case you'll never get to develop as your own person." - xLadyLaurax
"Lilith is a garbage person. No question. The brother is an a**hole."
"But aside from the fact that 19 is too young to be getting married, the 28-year-old groom-to-be's motives are highly suspect."
"More than likely, he's looking for a young girl to control, and OP fits the profile." - 5footfilly
"Forget Lilith. Dump the brother."
"But marrying at 19 is a bit too young. You aren't supposed to drink; why would marriage be a better idea? And the idea that a man of his age would want to marry such a younger girl; someone needs to tell you that is a bad idea."
"If you want to get out of the toxic family, go. But don't take the marry-a-guy-highway to leave. Find your own strength and path." - FutureVarious9495
"NTA for uninviting Lilith and anyone else who supports her ableist bullying. Your response is appropriate and you shouldn't have to be around someone like that on any day, let alone your wedding day."
"That said, I would like to express some concern for you. Shawn may be a wonderful man who will make a great life partner, but in general, adult men who date and marry teenage women are... problematic. The age gap tends to create a power imbalance because the young woman hasn't had much life experience, so she's forced to accept that her older husband knows better, which allows him to set a lot of expectations, and those expectations often favor the older man over his young wife."
"There's also a question of why a man is not dating someone nearer to his own age; with a problematic older man, it's often because women his age hold him accountable for his behavior and don't let him control the relationship (or he's fixated on women of a certain age and once his current partner reaches a set age, he moves on to a younger woman)."
"On top of this age disparity, you're now dealing with drama and a lack of support from your own family. While they do sound toxic to me, if you wind up low or have no contact with them and things take a bad turn in your marriage, you may not have a support network if you eventually need it. Isolation from others can make it easier for an abuser and harder for the person they're abusing to get help. I hope you have friends or extended family who will be your support network in the future."
"Again, I know absolutely nothing about Shawn except what you've said here. He may be a great guy, a wonderful husband, and happy to be your champion against people who would do you wrong. But please don't go into marriage blindly. You sound like a kind, intelligent, lovely person and you deserve to be with people who see your value and build you up. I hope this describes Shawn. I wish it also described your family."
"Know your worth and be willing to keep demanding that people treat you well, no matter who they are. Best wishes for a happy life filled with love." - oregonchick
The subReddit was terribly offended for the OP about how she was treated by her family and fully supported her in inviting whoever she wanted and disinviting whoever she wanted from any important event in her life.
But they were not convinced that the wedding was the special event that the OP needed right now.
With her age, Autism, and tough living situation, there was a chance that the OP was in too vulnerable of a position to realize she was being taken advantage of. Though Shawn might be a perfectly kind and genuine person, it might be a little too soon to know that for sure.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp