Families struck by tragedy are forced to support each other at a time when people’s emotions are as intense as they come.
One Redditor recently faced that struggle. They recounted it all in a post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), known as joyandcomfort463 on the site, outlined the confusing circumstances right in the post’s title.
“AITA for refusing to let my brother have his wedding at my house after he told me my 6 month old daughter didn’t need a funeral?”
OP began by recalling the tragedy.
“My husband and I dealt with a number of health issues and an inability to have kids for years. We were finally blessed with having a baby girl who then passed on from SIDs.”
“My whole family got behind and were supportive of us during those awful times.”
Almost everyone gave full support.
“My husband and I decided to have a funeral for our daughter as our last act of love towards her.”
“We received help from everyone except my brother who pulled me and my husband aside before the funeral to tell us that he really saw no need for us to have an official funeral for our daughter since she didn’t even live for a whole year.”
A back and forth ensued.
“This sparked an argument between us though he said he was just worried about us not affording a funeral with all the medical bills we have to pay.”
“I told him my daughter had a birth certificate and a death certificate to prove her existence since he was acting like she didn’t exist or live long enough to be considered a person.”
“He called me oversensitive and didn’t attend the funeral saying he was sorry for our loss but a funeral wasn’t necessary and we should get real therapy to deal with our trauma.”
“He said this days after my daughter had passed!”
Then came the backpedaling.
“I’ve distanced myself from him and he reached out several times and left emails talking about how sorry he was for how he acted around my daughter’s passing.”
“He even got my family involved to try to reconcile which I was going to consider doing.”
Then the tides turned.
“Few days ago my parents came over saying my brother is struggling with money and can’t afford a venue and can’t postpone the wedding.”
“The asked if I could let him use my spacious backyard for his wedding and also use this opportunity to get together as a family and work our disagreements out.”
“My husband said no he won’t let me brother into the house after how he treated our daughter’s death and said my brother doesn’t need a wedding if he can not afford it and I agreed with him.”
But the brother had some supporters.
“Mom said my brother already reached out to apologize and by refusing I’m making things more complicated.”
“I admit that my brother matters to me a lot but I just find it extremely hard to do what he’s asking right now and my husband isn’t having any of it.”
“He keeps saying no and stated that if I let my brother have his wedding in our house then he’ll pack and move out so this has created an issue in my marriage.”
Things unraveled from there.
“My parents said my husband is the problem then and is emotionally abusing me and isolating me from family. That’s when I got into an argument with them and told them to drop it but they kept saying I was lashing out of grief and hurting everyone around me.”
“I said I will not do it and they had to respect that but they still say I’m just parroting my husband’s words because I’m probably afraid of him and whatnot and asked how long I’m going to be resentful and hold a grudge against my brother.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Most people assured OP she wasn’t an a**hole.
“I’m so sorry for you loss. Your daughter was absolutely a person deserving of a funeral and all the ceremony surrounding one.”
“Your brother? Not so sure of his humanity or that of your family. Your husband is defending his daughter and his wife and still grieving, as are you.”
“If your brother and your family can’t understand and respect that and the fact that your brother was absolutely in humane and does NOT deserve any sort of special treatment from you, they can pound sand.”
“Preferably to another location for this wedding that can’t seem to wait. NTA.” — Alarmed-Volume
“NTA – You absolutely need to distance yourself from your family – they have let you and your husband down so badly.”
“I understand medical bills are in the way but if possible you and your husband need some time away together to look after yourselves. I wish you both all the best.” — piccalillie
“NTA Your husband was spot on. If your daughter didn’t need a funeral because he thought you couldn’t afford it, he doesn’t need a wedding if he can’t afford it.”
“They can get married at city hall and find a nice restaurant to feed a much smaller wedding party. My best friend and his husband did that when they had medical bills drain their wedding savings.” — ADHDLifer
Some could easily imagine the severity of this feud.
“Forever. That’s how long you hold a grudge against someone who dismisses your child’s life, death, and existence. NTA.” — Ninjaher0
“NTA there are things that should never be said, things that would ruin relationships forever, with no chance of fixing that relationship”
“Your brother said such a horrible thing, he doesn’t deserve forgiveness in any way, no matter what he says or does” — GeserAndersen
“Hard NTA, and tbh ‘a**hole’ isn’t a strong enough word to describe your brother and parents.” — Liverfvck
All we can do is hope OP has plenty of other non-family support to rely on during such a difficult time.