A gift is supposed to be a transfer of an item from one person or persons to another person or persons.
But that’s just in a perfect world. In the real world, so-called gifts can come with terms, conditions, and demands to rescind the gesture when the giver gets mad at the recipient.
Those aren’t gifts. Those are means of control and manipulation tactics.
A spouse whose generous father-in-law’s gift comes with more hoops than they want to jump through turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Ca77ywumpus asked:
“AITA for telling my father-in-law (FIL) that I don’t want the house he bought us?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My FIL is a generous man, but has what he refers to as ‘the a**hole gene’ meaning that he doesn’t stop to consider what anyone else wants in many situations.”
“Since my husband and I have been living with my husband’s brother, FIL decided that when the neighbor’s house went on the market for a steal, he’d buy us the house.”
“After consulting with his financial planner, the decision was made to have both FIL and my husband on the title/deed to the house. We would pay all taxes and utilities, and when FIL passes, husband would inherit the house.”
“Here’s where it gets messy. The house needs a lot of work.”
“Originally, husband and I were going to be responsible for improvements and repairs, so I started meeting with contractors and getting estimates for the work.”
“My husband doesn’t know much about home repair or renovation, and I do (my family has renovated multiple old homes) so he’s been letting me handle all of the work with the contractors.”
“Even so, FIL will not speak directly to me about anything related to the house. My poor husband has to play messenger, telling me what his dad wants to do, then telling his dad that I’ve actually got it handled, and want to do something different.”
“The final straw came today when my husband relayed to me that his dad has said that any permanent changes to the house that cost more than $5,000 have to be approved by him.”
“Even if we’re paying for them, he wants to sign off on any/all decisions, including tile colors, light fixtures, etc…”
“So I forwarded all of my communication with the contractor we’d chosen (haven’t signed anything yet) and said that if he wants to make the decisions, then he can make ALL the decisions.”
“He will own the house and we will sign a rental lease when the work is done. He’ll have to pass city inspections for rental units, and abide by all state and local rental law.”
“Now he’s mad, and says I’m ungrateful, selfish and controlling. At this point, I don’t even want the house anymore.”
“I’m ready to take the cat and go stay with my brother, but I don’t actually want to leave my husband. I’m just sick of catering to his dad’s whims.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I refused to handle/pay for renovations on the house my FIL purchased for us if he insists on approving every decision we make and undermines everything I do. This makes me controlling and ungrateful.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You figured it out—this is how he will control the both of you—until he dies. First is fixing the house, then it will be living in it—you will need permission to have more than 2 guests over, or if you get a pet, or how you do the gardening.”
“Worse, he bought this house ‘for you’ but you can’t have it until he dies—which he can hang over your heads as leverage for the control. If you don’t do x, I will take you out of the will—and so on.”
“I wouldn’t even rent from him if he is next door—your privacy and your life will become his.” ~ alien_overlord_1001
“NTA. The only reason that the house would only be in your FIL and husband’s name is to protect the house from you if there is a divorce. That is a smart move on their part if you are not contributing to the financing of the house.”
“It would be a smart move on your part to not invest any money into the house outside of paying bills.”
“Your issue is with your husband. If he is going along with this then you two need to have a serious talk.”
“Is this what you both want? Would you rather just wait and buy a house together in both of your names? What is the underlying issue behind this behavior?” ~ DontAskMeChit
“If your husband is willing to let his father treat his wife this way, then your problem is clearly with your husband.”
“Your name isn’t even on the deed, but you’re expected to do all the remodel work.”
“You do the work, but your FIL doesn’t like it so he vetos it.”
“He vetos it, but you’re not even worth the breath it would take him to talk to you so he goes through your husband as a messenger.”
“In the end, your husband delivers his dad’s message to you rather than telling his dad that he’s being a jerk to you and that he won’t tolerate you being treated this way.”
“See, you have a husband problem. NTA.” ~ Physical_Ad6875
“NTA and if YOUR name isn’t on the deed then tell your husband no marital assets are going toward that house. Walk away and let him figure out how to fix up the house and he can rent it out.” ~ celticmusebooks
“NTA. He wants you to pay to get his house fixed up—your husband may be on the deed but his father is not only on the deed but is expecting to stay in that home (set up as he wants it) for the rest of his life.”
“Now if he’s as old as 60-70 then he still could be 25 years in that home. If you and your husband are still in your 20s then he could be as young as late 40s or 50s so you’re unlikely to see anything for 30+ years.”
“What exactly are you supposed to do inbetween time? Also we’re not talking a couple of thousands that will need to be invested into the renovation if a house needs a lot of work.”
“You mentioned you will have to get contractors in as neither you nor your husband have relevant trade skills, such as plumbing, which with your family history I bet you’re aware of the cost implications of that.”
“Are you planning a family? Is that house big enough to house both an elderly man and a young family?”
“What happens if there’s a family rift of any kind and he decides to sell his half share of the property to someone else? Technically your husband may still own half but that could open you both up to a world of trouble.”
“He’s projecting big time by calling you ‘controlling’ as it feels like that’s exactly what he’s doing.” ~ cynical_old_mare
“They want you to work to improve and live in a house that you have zero legal ownership in. You would not get half the value of the house in the event of divorce.”
“If your husband died in a car crash on his way home from work, you’d get nothing. You two can’t even decide to sell it and use the money to purchase your next home.”
“You have a husband AND a FIL problem. This not a good deal for you financially or even practically.”
“Further, you should get to have input on where you live. Next door to your in-laws may not be how you pictured this part of your life and I get that.”
“You would have zero privacy. They would know when you were out late. They would know if you played hookey from work.”
“They will be all up in your lives, driving you absolutely crazy. Then, when they eventually drive you out of the family, you won’t get anything you put into that house to start your new life.” ~ StacyB125
The OP provided an update.
“One day later. Thanks for the gut check guys. I read through most of your comments although I didn’t reply to most of them.”
“I realize how incredibly privileged we are to be in this position. I never had any intention of doing any work on the house without FIL’s approval, but we’ve already discussed what we were going to do, and he agreed that I should go ahead and find a contractor.”
“Then he changed the rules.”
“I had dinner with my MIL (divorced from FIL) last night to commiserate about what a butthead he can be. She gave me some good advice on dealing with him.”
“The bottom line is that we are not putting a single cent into a home unless we BOTH have a legal stake in it.”
It sounds like some frank discussions need to take place between all parties.
Until then, renovations should remain on hold.