Compromise and accommodation is part of all healthy relationships. But is compensation?
If one partner gives something up for the other, should they expect to be compensated?
A man turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback on his relationship with his ex.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—like this post. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Opening-Public-8201 asked:
"AITAH for not giving my ex-girlfriend any money after we broke up?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So my ex (28, female) and I (30, male) were together for about 2 years. We broke up a couple months ago on good terms, no drama, no cheating, just felt like we were heading in different directions."
"Thing is she moved to the US from overseas to be with me, and when she did, she left a lot behind including dropping out of school. While we were together I paid for pretty much everything."
"I mean rent, bills, her car lease, her tuition, visa stuff, etc... I was in a position to do it because I had come into a good amount of money through investments and inheritance and a gambling win that set me for life."
"And I never minded covering things while we were together. And she wasn't working because I was happy for her to run the home."
"She never worked while she lived here—we always kind of treated it like 'my money is our money', but only in the sense that I was happy to support us."
"Now that we've split, she's asking if I'd be open to giving her a financial settlement to 'recognise what she gave up for me'. Like she feels she should be compensated for the time and sacrifices she made."
"To be clear, I didn't ask her to drop out or move, she chose to and I supported her the whole time."
"I do feel bad that she's now in a rough spot, but at the same time, we're not married and I don't think I owe her money just because we broke up."
"AITAH for saying no?"
Some Redditors weighed in using the voting acronyms from AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not financially responsible for their ex, although some suggested covering her trip home.
"Perhaps fund the ticket to return her to her home." ~ DamiaSugar
"I agree. Just give her some money in honour of her making some sacrifices. If you love a person and it wasn't a horrible breakup, just honour them with a final favour, whether its making sure they are up on their feet okay or at home with their family." ~ Certain_Silver6524
"OP paid for everything while she was here. Seems like he's given her enough money." ~ bino0526
"Exactly. It was HER idea NOT to pursue her own course in life while here. I'm a woman and I get so annoyed when other women act like it's a boyfriend's responsibility to financially support them."
"Women are NOT cute little fuzzy kittens who need to be protected and provided for. Like we don't have brains. Sheesh."
"No OP is not responsible for a financial settlement. People date to determine if marriage is a reality. It didn't work out. No parting gifts required." ~ Enough_Radish_9574
"I wouldn't agree with a guy moving oversees and giving up his job/stability for me unless I was gonna at least buy him a ticket home if it didn't work out." ~ cutegolpnik
"Except she is probably not allowed to work as part of her visa requirements. That leaves her in a very tough situation. What could she do to even afford to go home if she can't work? How can she pursue her own course in life if she legally isn't allowed to?" ~ OurCagedWorld
"Agreed, like NTA for OP, she's not entitled to anything, but as OP stated, she gave up everything for love, at least fly her home." ~ Leg-Novel
"The only thing I'd have been willing to do before she even asked, would've been to pay for her flight to her home country."
"What I will say is though, you built an environment for her where she was handed everything. So it's not surprising she's asking." ~ Plus_Competition3316
"See this is why you don't give up everything for someone you're not gonna marry... NTA." ~ EntertainmentClean99
"*Don't give up everything for someone you're not ALREADY married to. Probably this girl thought she was going to marry OP eventually. Nothing is guaranteed, people shouldn't make dumb financial decisions without legal protections." ~ whattheheckOO
"Well, you know, when these stories work out, it is deemed as brave and romantic to have taken the risk. When they don't, the person made a dumb decision. Two sides, same coin." ~ sparkling_onion
"Even if you're going to marry, never give everything up for someone else and never be dependent on someone else."
"There's a huge difference between being able to rely on a partner if things get rough, and to know that you will always have your partner's support and be dependent on said partner."
"It's never a good idea to be dependent on that partner. This world is full of people who stay in unhappy and abusive relationships because they're dependent on their partners and have no way to leave and support themselves." ~ Inevitable_Block_144
"Even if your partner doesn't leave you or cheat or anything, what if they die? What if they get really sick and can't support you anymore? All sorts of reasons that being dependent on someone is a bad idea." ~ arebum
"Yeah, and life happens. My husband has been the primary breadwinner, but recently was diagnosed with cancer."
"I'm glad I kept working even though I didn't really have to, because I have had to support our family for about 8 months now. If I had completely relied on him and stopped working, we'd have been screwed."
"Absolutely ALWAYS have a backup plan, because you never know if someone might leave, get sick/injured, or die and you absolutely need to be able to take care of yourself." ~ OddFiction
"If he was the one that convinced her to move here he'd probably be somewhat responsible for her, at the very least he'd need to help get her back home. But if it was her idea, then that was her decision and he's not responsible for it." ~ RageBeast82
"ESH: first off what were the two of you thinking? You really thought you could have this woman move overseas, not work, take care of your home, and then just walk away if you decided you didn't like it anymore?"
"Even if she can work with the visa she's on, that's a hell of a position to put someone in and a hell of a position she put herself in. Both of you should have thought about this as a possible outcome and had a plan. Her not having any financial independence was a huge risk for both of you."
"Second, if you imagine for a minute that her taking care of the home was her 'job' then it's reasonable that she would be entitled to a severance package."
"Third, IF you were married, this is a textbook example of why alimony exists."
"Because she wasn't actually employed and you weren't married you're right you don't owe her anything nor are you obligated to give her anything. But man..."
"I hope you both learn from this experience. At the very least help her get home and/or find stability. You don't need to support her completely or long term, but to say you don't owe her anything is harsh." ~ Sea_Dot_1765
"I'm reluctantly going with NAH rather than NTA as I'm wondering exactly how reliable you are as a narrator. Reddit loves to jump on people who appear to be leeching off their partner—often justifiably so—and you've certainly phrased your post to pose her in that light."
"But I do wonder: did she choose not to work or was she unable to due to visa restrictions? Yes, she made the choice to leave her home without a safety net and that was unwise."
"But does 'happy to support her' maybe translate to multiple conversations where you assured her you were planning on marriage (and a visa that would enable her to continue to study and work) and pressure to move because you absolutely had enough for both of you and you were building a life together?"
"You're not obligated to pay anything. But, if any of the above is true, the kind thing to do would be to at least pay for her flights and other expenses to help her get back on her feet."
"She did make a much bigger sacrifice for your relationship which you were happy to reap the benefits of."
"She is now also the one paying a much higher price for the breakup, and having to unravel her whole life after 2 years (which, in my experience, is just about how much time it takes to feel settled after an international move)." ~ MorningLanky3192
"NTA. It's icky for her to even ask. Let grown adults do the grown adult thing." ~ moderatenormal
The OP hasn't provided any updates, so it's unknown what decision he made.
Hopefully one he can live with.
Woman Breaks Up With 'Clingy' Boyfriend For Making Joke About 'Getting With' Her Sister
As much as we might want to date someone, there's no point in trying to gain the attention and affection of someone who does not want to reciprocate.
Dating someone "similar" to fill that void isn't a good look, either, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Flashy-External1666 had been long-distance dating a guy from her friend group for about a month, even though he'd expressed his attraction to her older sister repeatedly before they started dating.
When her sister entered a new relationship, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and disgusted that her boyfriend insinuated that he could have been trying to "get with" her sister while he was instead busy dating her.
She asked the sub:
The OP was aware that her boyfriend had his eye on someone close to her before dating her.
"I (19 Female) am with M (21 Male), and we've been together for a month. We were friends before this, for a while."
"For some background, when we were in a friend group, he'd always talk about how my sister (23 Female) was super hot and how he wanted her, but she was in a relationship at the time."
When he found out that her sister had been in-between relationships, he had an unsavory reaction.
"Earlier today, I mentioned to him how my sister started seeing this new guy, and I was super proud of her, because she went through a lot with her last relationship."
"His immediate reply was, 'Dang,' one month too late' with a sad emoji, insinuating that he was one month too late to get with her, because we've been together for a month."
You can see the text message exchange here:
The OP was immediately turned off by the idea of dating him.
"After I got upset and he apologized, he immediately sent me a reel that said, 'When she's already upset about me, but I have a second joke in mind.'"
"I feel like he genuinely doesn't care about me."
"He has also gotten weirdly clingy within the month, like red-flag clingy."
"He keeps trying to say how he loves me, wants to marry me, and wants me to go live with him. But he also always brings up my exes and gets super jealous when HE mentions them."
"I don't know what to do. Should I block him??"
"He's mentioned before that I would need to block him on everything if we ever broke up because he'd never leave me alone (we are currently long-distance)."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some were grossed out by the boyfriend's text message and understood why the OP was upset.
"The fact that he wrote all that out and even added a little emoji at the end and still decided to send it, knowing it would be hurtful for you."
"Seems like he’s texted that to see if he could get away with it. Either way, you don’t say something like that to someone you care about…" - Oven_Traditional
"NOR. Ew! That’s so disrespectful coming from someone who should be thrilled to have you."
"I’m team 'dump him.' If he has a brother, maybe ask for his brother’s number as you end it just to see how he likes it." - Entire-Tonight-1463
"NOR. He's not joking about your sister. Based on what he's said about her in the past, it would have been a wise move to NOT date him at all. PERIOD."
'There's a possibility that he's clingy/close to you for the purpose of indirectly keeping an eye on your sister. Release him and let him go, thereby setting yourself free from foolishness." - AtlJazzy2024
"He’s not for you… Break up with him and block him. You deserve a guy who treasures YOU!" - Muted-Lynx-8745
"He might be your boyfriend, but you're not his girlfriend. In his mind, your sister is." - Save-your-spoons
Others urged the OP to block her boyfriend and move on.
"Girl, it's been a month. Let that loser go." - sleepymelfho
"He kept OP as a backup, while circling her sister's orbit. What has happened to transparency and honesty in relationships? All I read now is obnoxious men doing obnoxious things to their partners."
"OP, he's keeping you around to stay close to your sister. You deserve better... NOR." - ColdHandGee
"NOR. You know that he's not joking about wanting your sister. He told on himself before you even got together, talking about how hot she was. Believe him."
"Break up with him and cut him off immediately. I can't believe you ever agreed to date him in the first place. I'd never want to date someone who had the hots for someone else in my immediate circle, whether that was a sibling or a friend." - Lanky_Mud_8148
"You’ve been dating one month, and that’s one month too long."
"He’s not joking about your sister. He fancies her more than you, and you’re the consolation prize. He will pursue her given the chance."
"Time to dump him." - Special_Wind_6708
"NOR. He can't have your sister, so you're just the next best thing. Him being a clingy weirdo that 'will never leave you alone' is the cherry on top."
"You know what to do. Dump him and block him on everything. If anyone from the friend group asks, just tell them what you told us. And you REALLY should warn your sister; you have receipts." - sdoM-bmuD
"Ditch him. Honestly. What are you waiting for?" - forget_me_not_uwu
"NOR at all. Cut this loser out of all channels of your life."
"I wouldn’t block, though. Just ghost so that he can watch you become happier without him as the ultimate revenge because I’m petty like that, and he clearly deserves it."
"ALSO, if he's as creepy and clingy as he sounds, you can have him muted, so he can see your activity, but you won't have to see his... But you'd have all of his messages as receipts if he ever became threatening or stalkerish for police purposes."
"For more context: My mum started dating my dad (when she was 19, too), who initially tried to go for her older sister (two years older) and got rejected."
"After three years of dating, seven years of engagement, and 20 years of marriage where she put up with an incompetent man-child that wouldn’t do anything for himself and expected her to completely cater to him while he berated her and treated her like s**t..."
"...it ended in him cheating on her with a waitress for over a year and denying it until my mum had literal photographic evidence, to which he had the audacity to respond with the reasoning that she was the reason he was 'driven to cheat' (as if that was even remotely close to the truth and the only option to solve his ‘problems’)."
"Save yourself, girl. This man-child can learn to pine over you and your sister from afar as you both skip into the sunset together, moving on with your lives and into better relationships that fulfill you the way you deserve!" - peachycritter
Some cautioned the OP to also cover her tracks after the breakup, as he sounded worse than "clingy" to them.
"The actual scary part isn't even the sister joke; it's, 'he said he'd never leave me alone if we broke up,' only one month in."
"That line gave me chills, and that alone would have me Googling how to block someone on every platform that exists." - babydoodle91
"Ew. These super clingy guys right out the gate are scary. Please watch your step, and erase your tracks." - Immabirb
"He sounds like a stalker... Drop him now, fast. And block him everywhere." - Admirable_Program720
"NOR, yes, you block him, and you keep him out of your life, and you tell mutual friends that if they try to facilitate contact between you two, you will block them as well. He isn't joking." - JustAsICanBeSoCruel
"I watch way too much crime for this!"
"Girl, block him. Also tell your sister to block him, too; he’s obsessed with her." - MrsRoronoaZoro
"NOR. You're underreacting, honestly."
"He wants your sister, but you're close enough. He's obsessed with her and won't give it up even though he has someone he 'wants to marry.'"
"Also, he's not lying. He probably will stalk you online afterwards; please be careful." - Phoenix-Phire-38
"NOR at all. Your post kept adding on more red flags with each additional sentence. I know you’re young, but he’s toxic, and yes, you will need to block him."
"Breaking up with someone you have strong feelings for is really difficult, so when you leave, you should make sure to lean on friends and family and keep yourself distracted with things you like and find engaging." - query_tech_sec
"The s**t with your sister is nothing compared to the love-bombing and jealousy. This guy is trouble, and scary, and you will have done the right thing when you leave him and maintain the distance between the two of you. NOR." - potatomeeple
After receiving feedback, the OP posted an update, but it seemed to be only the beginning.
"Thank you for making me feel less crazy."
"I blocked him on everything and deactivated my Instagram."
"He DM'ed a girl that I had posted ONCE on my Instagram Stories, asking about me."
"I'm not sure if he's going to keep trying to talk to me, but I hope not."
The subReddit's internal alarm bells were ringing while reading the OP's post, and they hoped that she'd leave her boyfriend in every sense of the word. They already lived long-distance, but she needed to cut him off in every other sense.
Not only was it obvious that he wanted someone else and was with the OP to "make up for it," but his "promises" of not leaving her alone if she ever broke up with him were love-bombing and stalker-like, at best.