Compromise and accommodation is part of all healthy relationships. But is compensation?
If one partner gives something up for the other, should they expect to be compensated?
A man turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback on his relationship with his ex.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—like this post. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Opening-Public-8201 asked:
“AITAH for not giving my ex-girlfriend any money after we broke up?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So my ex (28, female) and I (30, male) were together for about 2 years. We broke up a couple months ago on good terms, no drama, no cheating, just felt like we were heading in different directions.”
“Thing is she moved to the US from overseas to be with me, and when she did, she left a lot behind including dropping out of school. While we were together I paid for pretty much everything.”
“I mean rent, bills, her car lease, her tuition, visa stuff, etc… I was in a position to do it because I had come into a good amount of money through investments and inheritance and a gambling win that set me for life.”
“And I never minded covering things while we were together. And she wasn’t working because I was happy for her to run the home.”
“She never worked while she lived here—we always kind of treated it like ‘my money is our money’, but only in the sense that I was happy to support us.”
“Now that we’ve split, she’s asking if I’d be open to giving her a financial settlement to ‘recognise what she gave up for me’. Like she feels she should be compensated for the time and sacrifices she made.”
“To be clear, I didn’t ask her to drop out or move, she chose to and I supported her the whole time.”
“I do feel bad that she’s now in a rough spot, but at the same time, we’re not married and I don’t think I owe her money just because we broke up.”
“AITAH for saying no?”
Some Redditors weighed in using the voting acronyms from AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not financially responsible for their ex, although some suggested covering her trip home.
“Perhaps fund the ticket to return her to her home.” ~ DamiaSugar
“I agree. Just give her some money in honour of her making some sacrifices. If you love a person and it wasn’t a horrible breakup, just honour them with a final favour, whether its making sure they are up on their feet okay or at home with their family.” ~ Certain_Silver6524
“OP paid for everything while she was here. Seems like he’s given her enough money.” ~ bino0526
“Exactly. It was HER idea NOT to pursue her own course in life while here. I’m a woman and I get so annoyed when other women act like it’s a boyfriend’s responsibility to financially support them.”
“Women are NOT cute little fuzzy kittens who need to be protected and provided for. Like we don’t have brains. Sheesh.”
“No OP is not responsible for a financial settlement. People date to determine if marriage is a reality. It didn’t work out. No parting gifts required.” ~ Enough_Radish_9574
“I wouldn’t agree with a guy moving oversees and giving up his job/stability for me unless I was gonna at least buy him a ticket home if it didn’t work out.” ~ cutegolpnik
“Except she is probably not allowed to work as part of her visa requirements. That leaves her in a very tough situation. What could she do to even afford to go home if she can’t work? How can she pursue her own course in life if she legally isn’t allowed to?” ~ OurCagedWorld
“Agreed, like NTA for OP, she’s not entitled to anything, but as OP stated, she gave up everything for love, at least fly her home.” ~ Leg-Novel
“The only thing I’d have been willing to do before she even asked, would’ve been to pay for her flight to her home country.”
“What I will say is though, you built an environment for her where she was handed everything. So it’s not surprising she’s asking.” ~ Plus_Competition3316
“See this is why you don’t give up everything for someone you’re not gonna marry… NTA.” ~ EntertainmentClean99
“*Don’t give up everything for someone you’re not ALREADY married to. Probably this girl thought she was going to marry OP eventually. Nothing is guaranteed, people shouldn’t make dumb financial decisions without legal protections.” ~ whattheheckOO
“Well, you know, when these stories work out, it is deemed as brave and romantic to have taken the risk. When they don’t, the person made a dumb decision. Two sides, same coin.” ~ sparkling_onion
“Even if you’re going to marry, never give everything up for someone else and never be dependent on someone else.”
“There’s a huge difference between being able to rely on a partner if things get rough, and to know that you will always have your partner’s support and be dependent on said partner.”
“It’s never a good idea to be dependent on that partner. This world is full of people who stay in unhappy and abusive relationships because they’re dependent on their partners and have no way to leave and support themselves.” ~ Inevitable_Block_144
“Even if your partner doesn’t leave you or cheat or anything, what if they die? What if they get really sick and can’t support you anymore? All sorts of reasons that being dependent on someone is a bad idea.” ~ arebum
“Yeah, and life happens. My husband has been the primary breadwinner, but recently was diagnosed with cancer.”
“I’m glad I kept working even though I didn’t really have to, because I have had to support our family for about 8 months now. If I had completely relied on him and stopped working, we’d have been screwed.”
“Absolutely ALWAYS have a backup plan, because you never know if someone might leave, get sick/injured, or die and you absolutely need to be able to take care of yourself.” ~ OddFiction
“If he was the one that convinced her to move here he’d probably be somewhat responsible for her, at the very least he’d need to help get her back home. But if it was her idea, then that was her decision and he’s not responsible for it.” ~ RageBeast82
“ESH: first off what were the two of you thinking? You really thought you could have this woman move overseas, not work, take care of your home, and then just walk away if you decided you didn’t like it anymore?”
“Even if she can work with the visa she’s on, that’s a hell of a position to put someone in and a hell of a position she put herself in. Both of you should have thought about this as a possible outcome and had a plan. Her not having any financial independence was a huge risk for both of you.”
“Second, if you imagine for a minute that her taking care of the home was her ‘job’ then it’s reasonable that she would be entitled to a severance package.”
“Third, IF you were married, this is a textbook example of why alimony exists.”
“Because she wasn’t actually employed and you weren’t married you’re right you don’t owe her anything nor are you obligated to give her anything. But man…”
“I hope you both learn from this experience. At the very least help her get home and/or find stability. You don’t need to support her completely or long term, but to say you don’t owe her anything is harsh.” ~ Sea_Dot_1765
“I’m reluctantly going with NAH rather than NTA as I’m wondering exactly how reliable you are as a narrator. Reddit loves to jump on people who appear to be leeching off their partner—often justifiably so—and you’ve certainly phrased your post to pose her in that light.”
“But I do wonder: did she choose not to work or was she unable to due to visa restrictions? Yes, she made the choice to leave her home without a safety net and that was unwise.”
“But does ‘happy to support her’ maybe translate to multiple conversations where you assured her you were planning on marriage (and a visa that would enable her to continue to study and work) and pressure to move because you absolutely had enough for both of you and you were building a life together?”
“You’re not obligated to pay anything. But, if any of the above is true, the kind thing to do would be to at least pay for her flights and other expenses to help her get back on her feet.”
“She did make a much bigger sacrifice for your relationship which you were happy to reap the benefits of.”
“She is now also the one paying a much higher price for the breakup, and having to unravel her whole life after 2 years (which, in my experience, is just about how much time it takes to feel settled after an international move).” ~ MorningLanky3192
“NTA. It’s icky for her to even ask. Let grown adults do the grown adult thing.” ~ moderatenormal
The OP hasn’t provided any updates, so it’s unknown what decision he made.
Hopefully one he can live with.