The easiest way to stir our own mental pot and make ourselves unhappy is to compare ourselves to others and to infinitely ask ourselves, "What if?"
Sometimes we have to be content with how our life is going now and let the past be in the past, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ExtentOutrageous9447 had a friend with benefits who he really wanted to date, but when she rejected him, he decided to move on with his life and find someone who valued him.
But when he got engaged, and his ex-friend told him she would have dated him if she'd known he could last in a committed relationship, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he had missed out on an opportunity.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH because I didn't tell my friend with benefits who friendzoned me that I was getting married?"
In the past, the OP hoped to date his friend with benefits (FWB), Lisa.
"I had a friend with benefits named Lisa. I caught feelings for her and asked her if we could be more."
"She said that I was a nice guy and she enjoyed the sex, but she couldn't really imagine a relationship with me because I was a manwh**e."
"She said we should just go back to being friends. So we did."
"She dated a bunch of other guys, and I met a few women I liked. We stayed friends and I never pushed for more. We didn't even go back to how it was."
Then the OP met someone who did want to date him.
"I started dating my fiancée, Laura, a few years ago and she became friends with Lisa."
"She knows about our past relationship and she is okay with it as long as I respect her boundaries, which I always have and will."
"We got engaged last weekend. No wedding plans yet, but she is the one."
Lisa did not appreciate that the OP was officially moving on.
"Lisa called me yesterday and asked me if I got engaged. I told her yes."
"She asked me why I would do that since she was waiting for me to break up with Laura so we could try again now that I have proven I can be in a relationship."
"I told her that we couldn't be friends anymore and immediately told Laura what happened."
"She told me I shouldn't, NOT couldn't, hang around with Lisa anymore."
"I told her that I already said we couldn't be friends."
"A few of our friends from college have told me I'm a d**k for cutting Lisa out since I knew she always had a thing for me."
"I said that nobody informed me that I was her backup plan. I would not have been interested if I had known. I am no one's second choice."
Lisa continued to press the issue.
"Lisa asked me to have a coffee with her to talk. I went after I told Laura what I was up to."
"Lisa said that I was an a**hole for not telling her that I was serious about Laura and that I was planning on getting engaged."
"She was waiting for me to tell her so she could tell me that she was ready for me now. WHAT? She said she didn't realize how serious we were since Laura and I don't live together yet."
"We both live with our parents to save money for life. My folks are semi-retired and spend nine months of the year away on vacations. Laura's parents are happy to have her there to help with her younger siblings."
The OP began to overthink the situation.
"I know I made the right decision cutting her off but I'm wondering how the eff I was supposed to know."
"I'll be honest. If Lisa had told me in the first year of my relationship with Laura that she was ready, I might have considered it. Laura and I were dating but not serious. But how is it my fault if she never informed me?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some wondered why the OP was wasting time thinking about this.
"...At this point, I think that your own over-questioning the reality you encountered, is making me question whether you deep down accept your own motion forward..."
"Your first inclinations were correct. You enquired and were turned down. You moved forward and eventually made the correct decision that you could no longer be friends. Why are you being pulled back for just a little pot stir...?" - CreateCh**t
"OP, I'm sorry, but there's no dilemma here. At all. Like even a little. Frankly, considering how little Lisa's opinions matter here, there's not really even a conflict. And yet, here we all are." - Elegant_Bluebird1283
"The OP's ex-friend is doing what is called preselection. The FWB didn't want OP for anything serious until another woman got with him. The FWB suddenly saw OP as a viable choice because Laura saw he was a viable choice."
"It's the same reason why some people will go after a married person: If that person is happy with them, then I'll be happy with them. It's messed up, but it's definitely a thing."
"The OP really should ignore her and focus on his happy relationship before he wrecks it." - MelodramaticMouse
"'I don't want to play with my Ken doll, but no one else can touch it.' She was supposed to grow out of this when she was four or five years old. NTA, OP. Don't give this another thought." - ToiletGhost
"NTA. Lisa wasn't ready for a real relationship anyway and still isn't. She waited, didn't communicate, and found out."
"Relationships need to be built upon both trust and communication, which you have done with Laura. That just shows you that Lisa herself isn't ready for not just you, but probably anyone on that level." - ben_kosar
"The OP said, 'I'll be honest. If Lisa had told me in the first year of my relationship with Laura that she was ready, I might have considered it.'"
"NTA obviously, but the entire post sounds like you would have preferred a relationship with Lisa, minus all this drama, instead of your current situation with Laura. If you didn't care for Lisa, you wouldn't have had coffee to clarify things with her, and you wouldn't give a d**n about her nefarious plan." - Electrical-Ad-1798
Others agreed and felt terrible for the OP's fiancée.
"So Lisa told you that she couldn't imagine being in a relationship with you because you are a 'manwh**e,' but she had no problem using you for casual sex. What would that make her?"
"If she couldn't see the good in you then, she isn't marriage material now."
"And she sure isn't worth complicating your engagement and upcoming marriage to Laura. Let Lisa stew in her hypocrisy, poor judgment, regret, and stupid standards. Congratulations on your engagement." - vegasdad_05
"You weren't her backup plan, dude. You weren't really anything."
"You were an option, one that she doesn't like losing because her rejecting you was validation that someone wanted her."
"Had you been dumb enough to dump Laura, Lisa would have gotten her validation fix and changed her mind right after, putting you right back in the friendzone you found your way out of."
"You're good."
"A real friend would be happy for you, not going 'What about meeee?' and trying to ruin your engagement." - _A-Q
"Lisa is just jealous that you are moving on. Even if you were to consider dating her again, she will likely friendzone you again when she gets bored or finds someone more interesting."
"The reason she didn't tell you 'how she felt' is because she's LYING that 'she was waiting for you to break up with Laura!'"
"Her ego was stoked that you had originally wanted a romantic relationship with her and by the fact that you used to always be around for whenever she wanted or needed you."
"Now that she knows you've moved on, her little ego is bruised, and she wants you back, only so that she can continue to STRING YOU ALONG."
"You did good by being honest with Laura about your past relationship with Lisa from the beginning, and by telling Laura when Lisa reached out to you with her craziness, and by just cutting off all contact with Lisa."
"Keep it that way. Your loyalty to Laura should always come first!"
"Lisa is clearly a manipulator! I think you dodged a bullet!"
"I wish you and Laura much happiness!" - Beautiful_Ad8690
"Laura sounds cool, responsible, and secure. Lisa sounds manipulative as f**k."
"You're engaged and it looks like the only reason she's trotting out the 'why didn't you tell meeeeeeeee!' now to you, the friends, and God knows who else, is because she is desperate to find a crack she can exploit to make you single and pining after her (in her mind)."
"By the way, why did she have to run whining to your mutual friends in the first place? And why are they calling you the a**hole instead of her, since she is the one who was stringing you along? They deserve to be cut off along with Lisa. Start fresh."
"You've found someone who wants you to be her person. I had that once, and it was gone way too soon. Cherish it and best wishes for your bright future." - PrideOfCapetown
"Do you even like your fiancée? You're out here defending this girl who only ever considered you a sl*t and only wants you now that she can't have you. You're calling her beautiful and saying that if you had known how she felt, you would have dropped your fiancée for her."
"Be honest with yourself and figure out why you're defending this woman when she clearly wanted you to be Plan B relationship. I understand you stayed friends with her, but still dude, your comments are highly disrespectful to your fiancée." - BigEasyH
The subReddit shook their heads at the trouble Lisa was causing in the OP's successful relationship, simply because she wanted the validation of knowing she had a backup guy.
But they also cautioned the OP against continuing to discuss this with her or really putting any thought into it at all. But continuing to wonder what might have happened, and if Lisa was serious about what she was saying, the OP might begin to question his happiness with Laura and ruin the real relationship that Lisa was too insecure to congratulate.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.