Content Warning: Mentions of Domestic Abuse and Controlling Behaviors
We've all heard of "defining the relationship" or "DTR" when one person wonders where the relationship is going and whether or not the situation is serious.
But there's a big difference between wanting to DTR and wanting a fast engagement, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor balls**kbarber had been dating a woman for about three months, and while he was crazy about her, there had been some concerning demands made during their short relationship.
But when she began demanding that he propose to her in under a year of dating so that she'd know she wasn't "wasting her time" dating him, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure this was the relationship for him.
He told the sub:
"My girlfriend told me she's leaving me if I don't marry her in nine months. AITAH?"
The OP was surprised by how quickly his girlfriend wanted to lock in their relationship.
"I guess she broke up with me last night. I'm 21 (Male) and she is 22 (Female), we've been dating for about three months."
"She told me recently that if I don't plan on marrying her in nine months, just under a year of being together, to let her know right now so she can leave and find someone else. She doesn't want to waste her time, I guess."
The OP didn't feel that was a reasonable request.
"This might not sound crazy to you all, but I'm in flight school, and I'm also separately enrolled in college. I'm busy and not ready for marriage quite yet."
"I explained this to her, and I also mentioned how we have been together three months, and in my own personal opinion, nine months isn't nearly enough time to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life with some."
"That didn't go over well. She listened, and she responded, 'Don't waste my time.'"
The OP tried to negotiate his girlfriend's terms but to no avail.
"I told her if she wanted to marry so soon, I needed a prenup to protect myself."
"She declined and stated that I don't trust her."
"I went on about how college and flight instruction were going to be hard enough, and I spoke about the timing."
"Her argument was that having a wife AND KIDS will make everything easier."
"I really do like her, but I'm starting to think she's crazy."
"Also, for those who might be wondering, no, she is not pregnant."
"AITAH?"
This also wasn't the first instance of potentially controlling behavior in the relationship, which the subReddit was quick to point out.
Just two weeks before the proposal post, the OP posted about a bottle of whiskey.
"My girlfriend wants to break up because I won't pour out my whiskey."
"I (21 Male) drink pretty rarely; in the past month, I drank maybe twice, and it was just a couple shots, maybe three, nothing too crazy. In the pool, man, that hits the spot. Man, oh man."
"So, my girlfriend (22 Female) saw that I had a bottle of whiskey on my shelf (unopened, by the way). She told me that she didn't feel comfortable with me having it."
"That sounds pretty weird, right? Or is this normal for other people?"
"That turned into an argument. I was like, 'What? You can't be serious.' Then I explained to her that I don't even drink like that."
"She said she didn't feel comfortable, and then she said, 'It's f**k my feelings, right?'"
"I was like, 'Look, you're being immature. I won't drink without letting you know (I know, right, don't rub that in).'"
The argument quickly turned into an ultimatum.
"I was pretty tired that night, so I said, 'Look, I don't want to argue about this, I just want you to trust me, and I need you to let me make my own decisions.'"
"She said, 'So you're choosing a bottle of whiskey over our relationship?' Then she blocked me."
"Also, she and her family do not drink. She will have one margarita and then she's out like a light. She's not a past alcoholic who can't be around the stuff; she's just a control freak."
"She just wants to be married and have kids. I don't think she cares about compatibility. She also 'doesn't believe' in divorce, because she said her parents argue a lot so that makes it normal and okay."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed that nine months was not enough time to decide to marry someone.
"I feel like you should see your significant other in multiple seasons of life before getting married. When s**t hits the fan, how do they act? Most of the time, you won't see all the qualities of a person in the first year you know them, and especially not in the first three months." - New_Fruit_5162
"Three months into a relationship is fine to maybe ask his opinion of marriage as a CONCEPT, if he would ever want to be married to anyone, just because there are some guys out there who aren't interested, don't think it's important, think it's an evil trap, whatever."
"It's good to know that upfront so no time is wasted with a man who won't ever propose on principle."
"But insisting he decide whether to marry you, specifically, in that time? Red flags everywhere." - FullMoonTwist
"I have been in relationships and I will argue that you don't really know a person until you've known them for 1000 days. That was in a book I read when I was a teenager, and it has consistently proven to be true over and over."
"Things I thought I knew about my partner were revealed to be different or I learned different things about them that were surprising to me, particularly after the three-year mark. You start to see things like they're unmasking, their vulnerabilities, how they respond to situations, and frustration and anger when they aren't so caught up in their appearance to you."
"I would just say that you have a firm 'we need to date three years before I'm willing to marry anyone.' You can pick whatever number you want, but also, 21 and 22 are really young." - maiingaans
"I would like to add that I don't think this concept of marrying in under a year can really relate to two young adults who are barely 20 years old. It is crazy to think about something like that. And at three months? They are still in their honeymoon phase."
"She is being this controlling while in their 'best appearances' phase... I'm not sure she had bad experiences before, but she can't use them to control and sabotage her current relationship."
"I think it's a good idea to let her go as you have a set plan for your academic path." - bunbunG
"Getting an ultimatum about marriage after three months is a bit crazy, even without the other behavior. You haven't really got to know each other all that much yet. I might understand it if it's a year in and everybody's been kind of non-committal about things, but three months?"
"Sounds like the OP is not willing to make that commitment. And why should he? If he's not ready, he's not ready. If she's not willing to wait, well, there's the answer right there."
"If I were the OP, I would be the one to break up with her. Just tell her it's not going to work out because she's made it very clear that she wants to break up. Watch the shocked Pikachu face and move on." - Lendyman
Others were concerned about the OP's girlfriend's controlling behavior, based on his posts.
"Looking at the OP's other posts, the girlfriend's already been very controlling and manipulative to the OP in such a short time."
"Split up with her now as it will only get worse, and the way she behaves and threatens you over anything shows she is abusive, and you will constantly be abused and used and threatened with leaving if you don't accept her abuse."
"Run now, and do not have sex with her, even break up sex, as her stating nine months and kids as making your life better at three months shows she will try and trap you as she sees you as an ATM to finance her life."
"Heck no. Split and stay split. Go no contact, And I say this because it's clear she's very manipulative and good at gaslighting for the fact you've even had to come on here and question her insane controlling demands before." - Sweet-Interview5620
"She doesn't care about compatibility, which means she doesn't care about you. You are just a checkbox for her to tick off. Run, friend, run!"
"If you think the arguing is bad now, just imagine arguing all the time because you rushed into a marriage. I'm sure that would make a great home life for all those kids she wants to have."
"Is that how you want to spend your life? No? Run!" - Rockandahardplace69
"This is your first-second-third-fourth-fifth glimpse (because I'm sure you haven't posted EVERY argument you've had on this sub) into what it's like to have a hard disagreement with her. She's basically a 'my way or the highway' kinda chick. That what you want for the rest of your life?" - No-Pineapple726
"Honestly, it's a giant red flag that only three months in, she's trying to lock things down so aggressively. It's not about the commitment, it's about the lack of respect for the natural progression of the relationship and for other things you have in your life, like the unopened whiskey."
"I'd say you dodged a bullet. It's healthy to want to understand the deeper layers of someone before you even think of marriage. Stick to your guns, and find someone who values growth over speed in a relationship. NTA." - TulipScarlettaa1
"RUN. Cut your losses and run. Thank her for her time and perspective and bid her adieu."
"Nothing gets easier with a wife/husband and child, especially not if that conversation starts out with such an asinine argument. I can guarantee you that she will not get any less crazy with time. OR a pregnancy."
"She showed you her hand, now stand your ground, protect your assets, and keep chugging away at your goals. You have a brilliant future with bright people who deserve your time in the future." - GlitterMoon83
While everyone could agree that the OP's post history was a wild, if brief, ride, they were all grateful that the OP's ex-girlfriend was showing her true self now so the OP could plan accordingly.
Ironically enough, the OP's ex was worried about wasting her time in a relationship that wasn't leading to marriage, when really, she had saved the OP time by revealing her wishes so early.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.