The things a partner does or says in response to a specific instance can be very telling about the relationship.
A Redditor recently received a generous cash gift from their mother, and when their significant other made an eye-raising suggestion, they responded in a way that led them to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Klutzy-Foot-4575 asked:
“AITA for refusing to let my partner decide how I have to spend my gift?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I live with my girlfriend and we have been together for just under four years. My mum recently decided to give me £1800 [2,327.94 USD].”
“I had decided to save the majority of it but spend some if it on things for myself. I decided to get some new clothes, some new books, video games and then a night away for my gf and I.”
“After this I would be left with around £1300 [1681.29 USD] to save. My girlfriend and I went to my mums house at the weekend and she mentioned the money. At this point I hadn’t told my girlfriend so it came as a shock to her.”
“When we got home she asked what I was doing with the money. I told her what I had planned. She mentioned that we were saving for a house within the next 4-5 years so mentioned the money would be good to go towards that.”
The OP continued:
“I reiterated that I had already told her how it would be spent. I said part of the money saved will go into my savings account specifically for the house but that the majority would go into my general savings account.”
“She said I’m not taking it seriously saving up for a house but I just pointed out that I have been regularly putting away money all year and will continue to do so but this was a gift and I’d like to be able to actually enjoy it.”
“She said if I wasn’t putting it towards a house then it could pay for our holiday next March. I said no and stated again what it was for. I reminded her that the money is a gift to me yet she thinks she can say exactly how I should be spending it.”
“She just said she was thinking of us but I reminded her that the money is paying for us to go away for the night so it’s not like she’s getting nothing but she’s being quite entitled. She just said she should be involved in the decision but I disagreed as the money was a gift to me.”
The girlfriend didn’t take it very well.
“She just said I wasn’t treating her like a partner and that we’re supposed to be a couple so she should be considered when I’m spending the money but I just again said she was being entitled and quite selfish.”
“AITA for deciding how to spend the gift I was given?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“This is how I personally feel about monetary gifts.”
“If you are unmarried, and the gift was addressed to one person, it is that person’s money to handle.”
“If the gift was intended for or addressed to both partners, decisions should be made together.”
“Gifts made to married couples belong to both partners.”
“My partner was gifted 25k from his grandparents, and I said f’k all about it. It was gifted to him, we’re not married.”
“Your mom gave you a gift, and I think it’s yours to do with what you please.” – ptheresadactyl
“NTA if it was a gift just to you. But…. I cannot imagine being with someone for four years and not mentioning receiving a gift of $1800. Your mom obviously believed you had already told your girlfriend about the gift.”
“Your girlfriend was probably caught off guard and embarrassed by the situation. To her you now look shady. You also make no mention of how you split finances, whether you have debts, or why your mom randomly gave you $1800. Was that the actual intent for both of you? If yes, then you are TA.” – BlondDee1970
“NTA I honestly only see entitlement on her part. It’s not like you said no to saving for the house and things but I also see control like your gf is trying to control how you spend your money and your gifts when she has no say in it.”
“The only time in my opinion that your partner has a right to discuss how money is spent is when 1) you are living together and 2) you are married, but even then, it does not include money like gifts and inheritance that is a privilege to be involved in.” – pretty_pregnant_lady
“NTA. You were given a gift and you get to use that gift however you want. The fact that you are using some on a night away and putting a little in the house savings shows you already took her into consideration but this wasn’t a gift for you both or your mom would have said ‘here I got you both this gift.’ “ – breathemusic14
“NTA – when my in-laws give my husband money they will make it clear whether it’s intended for us as a family or for him personally e.g, they’d say ‘put it towards your next holiday’ or ‘get yourself some new clothes’. Sounds like your mum intended it as a gift for you so your girlfriend needs to back off.” –
Outrageous_Shirt_737
“NTA for wanting to spend your gift money the way you want. I mean, does she share all of her gifts with you (ie, non-monetary gifts)?”
“However, I would highly recommend y’all sit down and talk about finances going forward – especially before buying a house together. It sounds like y’all aren’t on the same page at all!” – IrreverentTherapist
“NTA If you guys were struggling to pay the bills and in debt. Then yes, getting rid of joint debt or bills should be a priority, even if this is a gift. But she only wants it for her savings, so no. The few things you are buying are no big deal. And if she really wants to save more for a house, why tf are y’all planning any sort of vacation? That is taking thousands away from what could go to house savings!”
“Also, if you are first-time home buyers, you might want to apply for a zero-down loan. Do some calculations. Because if you guys are paying rent, a lot of times it is close to or even more than a mortgage payment would be.” – Limp-Paint-7244
“NTA for using your gift from your mother how you want to. Your mom gave that money to you and not to both of you. It is yours.”
“Your GF isn’t wrong about thinking of the future, but that doesn’t make her ‘entitled.’ Entitlement on her part would be expecting that you give her half of your gift, or even all of it, just because you’re a couple.”
“But get on the same page financially before you two get married or buy real estate together.” – smile_saurus
“NTA. It was a gift, whether you wanted to spend it on a new fancy coat or save it for later. It’s yours. It’s not like you have any urgent matter that requires the money… Like you said, you’re already saving money regularly to buy a home, so you do no need to put in more if you don’t want to. Considering that it was a gift for you.” – Random0reo
“NTA. This is your gift and you can spend it or save it how you wish. She has absolutely no say in the matter and isn’t entitled to give her opinion on it at all. You are being generous with your money by including her in the night away plans.”
“If she was all of a sudden given a gift by one of her parents, would she expect you to dictate how she should spend it or save it?” – Odd_Department_7702
“NTA. It’s a gift to you. She can’t demand that you run every single decision in your life by her. Even as a partner, you have the right of self-determination.”
“If she’s really being so persnickety about what it means to be a ‘partner,’ think about what that says about your future relationship.” – stroppo
“NTA will take this as a sign that she should not move in with you and that you should not buy a house with her. I’d be questioning continuing the relationship as what does she think will happen if, say, one of your parents passes? Will she also be making demands of how inheritance you get is handled?” – Smarta**Mouth89
Overall, Redditors maintained that the OP was entitled to the cash gift intended for them, and they thought that the girlfriend’s insistence on how the money should be spent was not up to her.
Do you think she overstepped here?