Everyone has different wants and needs in a relationship, and while it can be hard, the best way to try to get what we want is to communicate clearly and honestly with our partner.
The last thing we should do is manipulate our partner to try to trick them into getting what we want, which will only create much bigger issues in the future, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Drainmano had a wonderful relationship with his girlfriend, and so when they started to argue more frequently, he was more than happy to participate in couple's counseling to sort out their issues and make their relationship stronger than ever.
But when the Original Poster (OP) discovered what his girlfriend had done in order to manipulate him, he suddenly wasn't so interested in saving the relationship anymore.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for blowing up at my girlfriend after therapy backfired?"
The OP was in a wonderful relationship but could feel it starting to fall apart.
"My (28 Male) girlfriend Emma (27 Female) and I have been together for six years."
"For most of that time, we've been happy, like, really happy. The kind of relationship people say 'just works,' you know?"
"We were always on the same page, rarely fought, and genuinely enjoyed each other's company."
"But over the past year, things started to feel… different. Small arguments here and there, more miscommunication, and just this weird sense that we weren't as in sync as we used to be."
The OP was more than happy to help keep the relationship alive.
"It wasn't anything major, just the usual 'wear and tear' stuff, or so I thought."
"Emma, however, seemed to be more concerned. She started pointing out issues I wasn't even aware of, like how I supposedly wasn't listening enough or wasn't as emotionally available as I used to be."
"I admit I've been busy with work, but I thought we were doing okay. Still, I didn't want to dismiss her feelings."
"Then about six months ago, she suggested we go to couples therapy. Now, I've always been a bit skeptical about therapy unless things are really bad, but I agreed because I figured it couldn't hurt."
"She said she found a great therapist through a friend, and we should give it a try. I wasn't familiar with this Lily, but Emma was excited about it, so we booked our first session."
The OP tried his best to get used to the dynamic of the couple's counseling sessions.
"At first, the sessions seemed… fine. Lily asked good questions, got us to open up, and gave us some tools to communicate better. I felt like I was doing my best to listen and improve, but something about it felt a little off."
"Every time we talked about any issue, it seemed like Lily was always subtly siding with Emma."
"If I mentioned being stressed from work, she'd steer the conversation towards how I wasn't giving enough attention to Emma. If I brought up a disagreement, somehow it became about my 'communication issues.'"
"After a few weeks, Emma started using phrases like, 'Lily thinks you should try this,' or 'Lily says you need to work on that.' It felt like everything I did was being scrutinized and dissected by this woman I barely knew."
"I didn't want to be paranoid, but it seemed like Lily was slowly convincing Emma that I was the problem in the relationship. And every time I tried to voice my own concerns, they were brushed aside."
"I tried to push through it, thinking maybe I was just being defensive. But it didn't stop. Every session, it was the same dynamic. It was like Lily was planting seeds of doubt in Emma's head, and Emma was running with them."
"I even started to wonder if maybe I was the problem. Was I actually this bad of a partner?"
But the OP became increasingly concerned that the counseling wasn't helping.
"Things reached a boiling point a couple of weeks ago. During a session, Lily started suggesting that maybe we should consider a 'break' so I could work on myself more."
"That felt like a slap in the face. I'd been trying so hard to be better, and now she was suggesting we split up?"
"I looked at Emma, waiting for her to disagree or defend me, but she just sat there… quietly nodding along."
"After that session, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I blew up at Emma when we got home. I told her I didn't trust Lily's judgment, that it felt like she was just feeding Emma reasons to blame me for everything wrong in the relationship."
"Emma got defensive, saying I was overreacting, and that Lily was just trying to help us work through our issues."
"We didn't talk for a few days, and I started feeling guilty for snapping. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe therapy really was exposing some flaws I needed to work on."
"But then… something happened that blew everything wide open."
Then the OP discovered the truth about his therapist.
"Last week, we went to a mutual friend's party. While there, I overheard Emma and her friend Sarah talking in the corner, giggling about something."
"I caught just a bit of their conversation. Sarah said, 'I can't believe you pulled it off for this long! Poor guy still thinks she's an actual therapist!'"
"I immediately confronted them, and that's when Emma's face turned pale. Sarah quickly tried to backtrack, but the truth spilled out."
"Turns out, Lily isn't a licensed therapist at all. She's one of Emma's close friends from college, who thought it'd be 'fun' to help Emma 'fix' me by posing as a therapist."
"Emma had set this whole thing up because she thought I wouldn't agree to therapy otherwise. They figured that with Lily playing the part, they could guide me into becoming a 'better boyfriend' without me knowing."
The OP was shocked, hurt, and infuriated all at once.
"I felt completely betrayed. For months, I had been spilling my heart out to someone who wasn't even qualified to help, and Emma had been in on it the whole time."
"All those sessions where I felt attacked and manipulated suddenly made sense, because I was being manipulated."
"When I confronted Emma about how messed up this was, she broke down, saying she never meant to hurt me and that she just wanted to help us grow as a couple."
"But honestly? I don't know how to move past this. I haven't been able to look at her the same since."
"Now, Emma and her friends are saying I overreacted, that it was just a 'white lie' meant to help our relationship. But I feel like I've been gaslit and lied to for months."
"So… was I wrong for blowing up at my girlfriend when I found out our 'therapist' was a total fraud?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the *A*hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were side-eyeing the OP's girlfriend and friend for the possible medical malpractice.
"NTA, but what you should be doing is consulting a lawyer, because Lily was very likely practicing medicine without a license." - No_Improvement_5894
"I think you can actually take legal action and you really should. That stranger was pretending to be a licensed therapist, used it to extort information you would not share otherwise, and manipulated you with it."
"This has to be illegal on so many levels. Besides, did they also have you pay for those sessions?" - UsualConcept6870
"I believe it's on the lines of practicing medicine without a license or impersonating a cop, there are good reasons people shouldn't get off lightly for those kinds of crimes." - mogley19922
"OP needs to sue Lily and have the licensing board in their state pursue whatever sort of legal action they do when someone falsely represents themself as a therapist." - GrumpsMcWhooty
"Oh boy. Report Lily to your psychiatric or counselor registration board, for false representation. That's gonna go down like a lead balloon!"
"Then, sue her for fraud and try to get not only the money back but also punitive damages."
"Also, this relationship is over. You can NEVER trust her again."
"This is FAFO (F**k Around and Find Out), squared." - AllConqueringSun888
Others agreed and were alarmed by how badly the OP had been manipulated.
"This is psychological abuse, he trusted that Lily was a licensed therapist and if that's not psychological manipulation, I don't know what is."
"Then you have to ask, how much of what he felt was real? Not only did they violate and manipulate his trust, but it's very likely that they had sex during the time he was being abused and manipulated… if that was me… I would feel extremely violated and taken advantage of for all times we had sex."
"Who's to say she wasn't cheating on him, too? If she's willing to con him like he's a f**king NPC in a video game, or her pitiful little reality show contestant for her and her friends to laugh at, who's to say she wasn't also using her network of abusers to hide the fact she's sleeping with other guys!?"
"Not only should he go after her for psychological abuse, but he should get checked and also go after her for sexual coercion and abuse, too." - i-wont-lose-this-alt
"Welp, that relationship is over. Of course, she and her friends are trying to convince you that you're the problem, they lied and manipulated you into believing this woman was a licensed therapist. Why are you even taking their opinion into account? Their view on the situation is obviously skewed."
"Dump her and cut your losses. What unhinged behavior. NTA." - theworldisonfire8377
"If she tries to gaslight you and make you feel bad saying YOU are overreacting or that YOU are ruining their lives for something silly, a 'little white lie,' tell them that if there are laws to prevent this kind of thing, then it is not as little of a lie as they are trying to make it be."
"Say that if they did nothing wrong, they have nothing to fear, and that everything will run its course and they just need to give their statement. Say that after what they did this little headache is nothing, that it is the price to pay."
"See them lose their minds because they will know how serious it is but they can't say otherwise without admitting that they were wrong."
"By the way, she doesn't love you. She wants to mold you into something she likes more, into someone who will put much more effort into the relationship than she does, that is not love. You were her guinea pig." - _LullyMoon_
"Please pursue legal action, OP. In fact, this suggestion shouldn't be treated lightly, nor dismissed out of hand as some sort of knee jerk, 'of course the internet suggests to lawyer up' reaction."
"The emotional manipulation that's been occurring for months may leave lasting damage not just in the ability of OP to trust other people in the future, but also in his sense of being able to trust his own judgment."
"OP needs to find some sort of closure. Perhaps lawyering up is or isn't the way to go, I don't know, but he needs something to put the path of his future life on the right track." - watercolour_women
"I hope Lily gave you printed notes and messages."
"Tell your girlfriend that you are going to do exactly what the therapist suggested, so you're taking a break from the relationship. Permanently."
"Then block her and all of her toxic friends. They were jealous of your relationship and could have really, really hurt you." - rocketmn69_
The subReddit was appalled and furious on the OP's behalf, and they could not believe the lengths his former girlfriend had gone to in order to try to get what she wanted.
Instead of having a mature conversation about needs and desires, she and her friends got themselves mixed up in several legal issues and hurt the OP in the process.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.