If marriage is one of our goals, it's pretty common for us to have an image in mind of what we would like our wedding day to look like, if not also the proposal.
And having a partner who does not share a similar vision can be kind of disheartening, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
When Redditor WashInformal8704 realized that her birthday dinner was not actually going to be a birthday dinner at all, but actually a very public proposal, she did not want to attend.
But when her boyfriend demanded that she play along with his plan, the Original Poster (OP) felt like he didn't value her or her personal preference for a more intimate proposal.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not showing up to my own engagement after finding out my boyfriend was planning to propose?"
The OP knew that her boyfriend was going to propose to her, at least eventually.
"I (28 Female) have known for a while that my boyfriend (38 Male) was going to propose."
"We've been talking about marriage, rings, etc., for a while. I didn't know the when or where, but I thought I knew the HOW."
"This is because I've made it clear that I would absolutely hate a public proposal. The very idea gives me hives and makes me queasy with anxiety."
"It's a personal preference/comfort zone thing and not an opinion on other people's proposals."
"There have been a few times when I thought he was going to ask, but I was wrong each time (wasn't too disappointed because I knew it'd come eventually)."
But as it turned out, the way he meant to propose to the OP surprised her.
"The night of the conflict was my birthday last week. We were going out to celebrate, and he'd even given me my gift early to wear to dinner since it was the first time we'd be going out for my birthday since before the pandemic."
"We were meant to meet at the restaurant, but my dad called before I left, asking if our big announcement tonight was baby-related, and if so, he'd like to congratulate me in advance in case he didn't make it due to a travel delay."
"A few minutes into the call, I put two and two together and immediately called my best friend, who reluctantly confirmed my fears."
"She hadn't wanted to spoil my boyfriend's surprise, but she also tried her best to convince him to scale it down because she knew I wouldn't like what he'd planned."
"At this point, I was very late and my boyfriend had been texting, saying that I was going to make us lose our reservation."
The couple disagreed about the boyfriend's plans.
"I called him and asked directly if he was planning a public proposal."
"He couldn't deny it, and after he told me he'd reserved the entire restaurant for 75 people, I told him that this wasn't what I wanted."
"I said I'd be happy to attend, but only if he promised not to do it in front of everyone there."
"He said he'd told some people, and that word got around, and they were now expecting a proposal, so he was going to do it."
"Otherwise, he felt we would've wasted everyone's time and money coordinating and getting them down there."
"I said that if he insisted on doing this in a way which made me uncomfortable, I wouldn't be coming at all."
"I hung up at that point and stopped answering because I was hurt."
A serious rift developed in their relationship.
"He's livid, and we've been fighting all week because I embarrassed him in front of our friends and family by not showing up."
"He says I'm making a big deal of it when we both know I would have said yes, and that I'm being ungrateful because any other woman would kill for a boyfriend who would go to the trouble of making a grand gesture."
"While I agree that I had every intention of saying yes when I knew it was coming, I don't like being put on the spot or being made to feel obligated to say yes because of an audience."
Then the OP's boyfriend gave her an ultimatum.
"He said he won't consider proposing again until I apologize for embarrassing him and promise to chill out about my preferences in the future."
"I don't feel like I should because he knew I would have preferred something more intimate and romantic."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the boyfriend was incredibly inconsiderate of his girlfriend's feelings.
"Your boyfriend is the AH."
"He knows you aren't comfortable with this, but decides to do it anyway because it makes him look good."
"Instead of treating you like your own person, he decideed that you are just a part of the perfect proposal that could be to anyone." - WebBorn2622
"This is the pertinent point for me: he either doesn't know her that well or doesn't care. I don't know which is worse."
"Also, this little gem: 'promise to chill out about my preferences in the future.'"
"I think that speaks volumes about what he thinks of her feelings." - Pale_Cranberry1502
"The boyfriend was like, 'I don't care what you want, look how much effort I went to, and you ruined it!' closely followed with an, 'I'm going to ignore your feelings in the future, too.'"
"Wow. Some people." - Yurtinx
"The gesture was about him, and not about her at all. Good on her for not being his prop." - JacindaChrist
"Oh, he knew what the OP was comfortable with. She'd told him before. But his 'other women would kill for this.' screams 'I like to look like the good boyfriend/big man in front of your family and friends.'"
"This reminds me of that guy that threw his wife a baby shower, used their rent money, maxed out a credit card, and then tried to steal all the money given to them at the baby shower to pay it off, all so he could look like the big provider in-front of their family and friends." - Opposite-Strategy-28
"OP's boyfriend is doing her a favor. He refuses to propose again until she apologizes. That is good."
"She needs the time to reconsider if she really wants to marry someone who puts their pride before her feelings and tells her that she must learn that her feelings and preferences don't matter."
"OP, if he is not capable of recognizing how wrong he is here, you would be much better off if he never proposed." - Eastofdark
Others agreed with the OP about being uncomfortable with public proposals.
"NGL (Not Gonna Lie), if this happened to me, I'd go, wait for it, say no, and leave. I hate being put in the center of attention, but I'm also really petty, and if you do something like this to me, I'll make you regret it." - AngelaTheRipper
"I am similarly distasteful of being the center of attention, and if a future partner ever proposed to me in front of a crowd like that, it would be a neon sign pointing to just how little they actually knew me." - unfortunatewalkingmd
"My cousin was proposed to in her apartment bathroom before they went out for dinner. Her husband had gotten nervous and did it before they left. She was so happy because she didn't want to be proposed to in public!" - not_cinderella
"My husband and I got engaged on the couch in our living room. We'd discussed getting married the night before, the next day he came home with a ring, showed my family, and was like, 'So, will you?'"
"It was perfect for me and him, and we've been married for nearly three years(together for nearly ten) and now have a baby girl. These things don't have to be big, just right for the people involved." - Waste_Twist5673
"My husband proposed to me while we were in our pajamas eating pizza in our apartment after work. Apparently, he had about 5 different public plans fall through and just got exasperated with trying to coordinate things."
"So out came the ring and a nice speech just out of the blue. I was actually really pleased because I would have hated a public thing." - sandstorm320
"Clearly, he's really into the public show and she isn't at all. So a compromise may have been to actually propose in private, then have a showy announcement at dinner. But nope, the dude decided his feelings were the only ones that mattered."
"NTA, OP. But get ready for a lot more of this as you move forward with this man." - coatisabrownishcolor
Though the OP felt conflicted with an ultimatum from her boyfriend, the subReddit considered it to be a blessing in disguise.
Not only did the OP need time to really think about what she wanted in a partner, but she also needed to consider if this was how she wanted to be treated for the rest of her life.
Her boyfriend clearly had put his own wishes before hers for their proposal, and since he wanted her to "chill out" in the future, this would likely become a pattern in their marriage, too.
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone
Fake people tend to show their true colors during pivotal moments, like weddings and major celebrations.
But when they want an audience to hurt someone else, it takes total sense that they would be called out in front of everyone, as agreed by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor HollyyGinger went to their close friend's birthday party, expecting to have a good time and celebrate their loved one's special day.
But when their close friend made several mocking comments about them, and the party laughed along with them, the Original Poster (OP) took that as an indication of the state of their friendship and left the birthday party early.
They asked the sub:
The OP was excited to celebrate their close friend's birthday.
"One of my close friends had a birthday dinner last weekend, and I was genuinely excited to go."
"I helped her organize a few things beforehand, bought her a gift, and even rearranged some plans because I wanted to be there for her."
But the birthday dinner did not go at all how the OP expected.
"During dinner, though, she started making little jokes about me in front of everyone."
"At first, I laughed along because I didn't want to make things awkward on her birthday."
"But she kept going. She joked about dating life, brought up an embarrassing story I had told her privately, and made another comment about how I'm ''way too sensitive' sometimes."
"People were laughing, and I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but honestly, I felt pretty humiliated."
The OP tried to ask their friend to change the direction of the rest of the party.
"I quietly asked her when we were alone if she could stop making me the joke of the evening."
"She rolled her eyes and said I was taking everything too seriously and that everyone knew she was joking."
"I went back to the table for a while because I really didn't want to ruin her birthday."
"But then she made another joke about me, so I decided I'd had enough. I congratulated her again, said goodbye to everyone, and went home without making a scene."
The OP's friend tried to blame them for how the evening turned out.
"The next morning, she texted me, saying she was hurt that I left early and that several people noticed."
"She said that I made her feel like she had done something horrible when she was 'just having fun.' But her having fun was more of a public embarrassment to me."
"Now I feel guilty, because it was her birthday, and maybe I could have just ignored it for another hour or two."
"I wasn't trying to punish her or make the night about me. I just didn't want to sit there smiling while someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I had specifically asked her to stop."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she didn't have to stay at a party where she didn't feel welcome.
"She was having fun. You were not having fun."
"You’re not overreacting. You told her it was hurting you, and she kept doing it because hurting you was entertaining for her. She is not a good friend." - Dunquinn-
"I remember when I was really little, a bunch of adults were laughing at me as I cried."
"I cried to my mom, 'Stop laughing at me,' to which she replied, 'We aren’t laughing at you; we're laughing with you,' while giggling."
"My response was something I stand by to this day: 'Then why am I the only one crying?!'"
"It’s only funny if the person who’s being teased is laughing too. You weren’t laughing. It wasn’t funny; it was cruel. NOR." - XSmartypants
"She’s a bully. It wasn’t 'more like 'it was publicly embarrassing. It WAS publicly embarrassing."
"Then she tells you that SHE is embarrassed because YOU left early. That's bulls**t."
"NOR. Drop her." - WTH_JFG
"NOR. They make jokes about someone's privacy to humiliate that person. Anyone who would use info that was shared in confidence to get a laugh is an abuser. You don't do that, especially to a close friend, without the intent to hurt that person." - BungenessKrabb
"Would it have been fun if you did the same? Start telling her darkest secrets?"
"She made you into a punchline for other people’s entertainment."
"You told her to stop, and she didn’t; now she’s the victim?"
"NOR."
"But also, some people need to feel it to believe it. I hope you go to the next gathering with a few stories of your own and don’t let her rewrite the narrative." - beached_not_broken
"I’ve had it happen by my 'best friend' at the time, only it was in a professional setting event. Very personal details only she knew, all spilled for her amusement, embarrassing me in front of colleagues."
"NOR, OP. As you did, I left the gathering earlier than expected. My 'friend' called the next day asking why I left so early. I told her what she had said and done and how humiliated I felt."
"Her 'apology' was that flippant version that shows no remorse, like, 'Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.'"
"Over the subsequent years, she managed to alienate and burn bridges with most of those same people we were gathered with."
"I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Anyone who thinks you were 'too sensitive' has no empathy and 'friends' like that don’t deserve your time." - Hungry_Tank9182
"NOR. She was being a jerk to you, and she was expecting you to just take it and not say anything or defend yourself."
"Because they think it's sooo funny to mock others, but I bet if the roles were reversed, she would be offended and upset."
"Honestly, you deserve better friends. I'm sorry you had to deal with this."
"I would've left and blocked her." - Cryslove
Others urged the OP to stop thinking about the event and let that friendship go.
"That was the point of her fun! Humiliating you with an audience!"
"Sharing something deeply personal, told in confidence? Immediate dealbreaker."
"She is not (and likely never was) your friend. Friends do not treat friends with such disrespect. Block her, and go no contact. She brings nothing good to your life, and she’s not worthy of your energy and time."
"NOR." - MizPeachyKeen
"It’s called bullying. She is not your friend. Friends don’t humiliate their true friends, or tell them 'they are too sensitive.'"
"That is what bullies do. She keeps you around to put you down and make herself look or feel better."
"Her actions, attitude, and behavior are those of an immature high schooler. She could actually be jealous of you and not want one or all of the following: you to succeed, have more friends, feel better about yourself, look better, etc."
"Please slowly distance yourself, find new hobbies and activities with more mature, well-rounded, healthy people." - Freeling_Fab_U_lous
"How DARE you spoil her fun; didn't you know that part of your gift was letting her make you the butt of her jokes? (sarcastic comment)"
"What an awful person. No one should need to put others down to raise themselves up. She doesn't deserve the title of friend, to be honest. You showed much more grace than I would have managed." - tphatmcgee
"She was using you as her punching bag to make the others attending laugh. Probably thinking you’d just take it. That’s not a good friend. NOR." - Additional-Start9455
"'Someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I asked them to stop.' NOR."
"First, you shouldn't have had to ask her to stop because a friend wouldn't have started in the first place. One of her 'jokes' was about you being sensitive, so she knew you didn't like it and did it anyway."
"Second, you asked her privately to stop, because you didn't want to embarrass her. Think about that. You didn't want to embarrass her. But she couldn't show you the same consideration, even after being asked to stop."
"That's not how I treat my friends, and I suspect that's not how you treat your friends, either." - calminthedark
"I would have answered her text that she's a s**tty friend and to f**k off. You have class."
"I probably would have made a comment at dinner that I asked her to stop with the insults."
"NOR. You did everything right." - Particular-King218
The subReddit was disappointed on the OP's behalf that a friendship they were so committed to, they were excited to celebrate their friend's birthday and even helped plan the event, came apart at their expense, and on very public terms.
If the friend didn't want to be "embarrassed," maybe she should have thought about how she was embarrassing others first.