If marriage is one of our goals, it's pretty common for us to have an image in mind of what we would like our wedding day to look like, if not also the proposal.
And having a partner who does not share a similar vision can be kind of disheartening, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
When Redditor WashInformal8704 realized that her birthday dinner was not actually going to be a birthday dinner at all, but actually a very public proposal, she did not want to attend.
But when her boyfriend demanded that she play along with his plan, the Original Poster (OP) felt like he didn't value her or her personal preference for a more intimate proposal.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not showing up to my own engagement after finding out my boyfriend was planning to propose?"
The OP knew that her boyfriend was going to propose to her, at least eventually.
"I (28 Female) have known for a while that my boyfriend (38 Male) was going to propose."
"We've been talking about marriage, rings, etc., for a while. I didn't know the when or where, but I thought I knew the HOW."
"This is because I've made it clear that I would absolutely hate a public proposal. The very idea gives me hives and makes me queasy with anxiety."
"It's a personal preference/comfort zone thing and not an opinion on other people's proposals."
"There have been a few times when I thought he was going to ask, but I was wrong each time (wasn't too disappointed because I knew it'd come eventually)."
But as it turned out, the way he meant to propose to the OP surprised her.
"The night of the conflict was my birthday last week. We were going out to celebrate, and he'd even given me my gift early to wear to dinner since it was the first time we'd be going out for my birthday since before the pandemic."
"We were meant to meet at the restaurant, but my dad called before I left, asking if our big announcement tonight was baby-related, and if so, he'd like to congratulate me in advance in case he didn't make it due to a travel delay."
"A few minutes into the call, I put two and two together and immediately called my best friend, who reluctantly confirmed my fears."
"She hadn't wanted to spoil my boyfriend's surprise, but she also tried her best to convince him to scale it down because she knew I wouldn't like what he'd planned."
"At this point, I was very late and my boyfriend had been texting, saying that I was going to make us lose our reservation."
The couple disagreed about the boyfriend's plans.
"I called him and asked directly if he was planning a public proposal."
"He couldn't deny it, and after he told me he'd reserved the entire restaurant for 75 people, I told him that this wasn't what I wanted."
"I said I'd be happy to attend, but only if he promised not to do it in front of everyone there."
"He said he'd told some people, and that word got around, and they were now expecting a proposal, so he was going to do it."
"Otherwise, he felt we would've wasted everyone's time and money coordinating and getting them down there."
"I said that if he insisted on doing this in a way which made me uncomfortable, I wouldn't be coming at all."
"I hung up at that point and stopped answering because I was hurt."
A serious rift developed in their relationship.
"He's livid, and we've been fighting all week because I embarrassed him in front of our friends and family by not showing up."
"He says I'm making a big deal of it when we both know I would have said yes, and that I'm being ungrateful because any other woman would kill for a boyfriend who would go to the trouble of making a grand gesture."
"While I agree that I had every intention of saying yes when I knew it was coming, I don't like being put on the spot or being made to feel obligated to say yes because of an audience."
Then the OP's boyfriend gave her an ultimatum.
"He said he won't consider proposing again until I apologize for embarrassing him and promise to chill out about my preferences in the future."
"I don't feel like I should because he knew I would have preferred something more intimate and romantic."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the boyfriend was incredibly inconsiderate of his girlfriend's feelings.
"Your boyfriend is the AH."
"He knows you aren't comfortable with this, but decides to do it anyway because it makes him look good."
"Instead of treating you like your own person, he decideed that you are just a part of the perfect proposal that could be to anyone." - WebBorn2622
"This is the pertinent point for me: he either doesn't know her that well or doesn't care. I don't know which is worse."
"Also, this little gem: 'promise to chill out about my preferences in the future.'"
"I think that speaks volumes about what he thinks of her feelings." - Pale_Cranberry1502
"The boyfriend was like, 'I don't care what you want, look how much effort I went to, and you ruined it!' closely followed with an, 'I'm going to ignore your feelings in the future, too.'"
"Wow. Some people." - Yurtinx
"The gesture was about him, and not about her at all. Good on her for not being his prop." - JacindaChrist
"Oh, he knew what the OP was comfortable with. She'd told him before. But his 'other women would kill for this.' screams 'I like to look like the good boyfriend/big man in front of your family and friends.'"
"This reminds me of that guy that threw his wife a baby shower, used their rent money, maxed out a credit card, and then tried to steal all the money given to them at the baby shower to pay it off, all so he could look like the big provider in-front of their family and friends." - Opposite-Strategy-28
"OP's boyfriend is doing her a favor. He refuses to propose again until she apologizes. That is good."
"She needs the time to reconsider if she really wants to marry someone who puts their pride before her feelings and tells her that she must learn that her feelings and preferences don't matter."
"OP, if he is not capable of recognizing how wrong he is here, you would be much better off if he never proposed." - Eastofdark
Others agreed with the OP about being uncomfortable with public proposals.
"NGL (Not Gonna Lie), if this happened to me, I'd go, wait for it, say no, and leave. I hate being put in the center of attention, but I'm also really petty, and if you do something like this to me, I'll make you regret it." - AngelaTheRipper
"I am similarly distasteful of being the center of attention, and if a future partner ever proposed to me in front of a crowd like that, it would be a neon sign pointing to just how little they actually knew me." - unfortunatewalkingmd
"My cousin was proposed to in her apartment bathroom before they went out for dinner. Her husband had gotten nervous and did it before they left. She was so happy because she didn't want to be proposed to in public!" - not_cinderella
"My husband and I got engaged on the couch in our living room. We'd discussed getting married the night before, the next day he came home with a ring, showed my family, and was like, 'So, will you?'"
"It was perfect for me and him, and we've been married for nearly three years(together for nearly ten) and now have a baby girl. These things don't have to be big, just right for the people involved." - Waste_Twist5673
"My husband proposed to me while we were in our pajamas eating pizza in our apartment after work. Apparently, he had about 5 different public plans fall through and just got exasperated with trying to coordinate things."
"So out came the ring and a nice speech just out of the blue. I was actually really pleased because I would have hated a public thing." - sandstorm320
"Clearly, he's really into the public show and she isn't at all. So a compromise may have been to actually propose in private, then have a showy announcement at dinner. But nope, the dude decided his feelings were the only ones that mattered."
"NTA, OP. But get ready for a lot more of this as you move forward with this man." - coatisabrownishcolor
Though the OP felt conflicted with an ultimatum from her boyfriend, the subReddit considered it to be a blessing in disguise.
Not only did the OP need time to really think about what she wanted in a partner, but she also needed to consider if this was how she wanted to be treated for the rest of her life.
Her boyfriend clearly had put his own wishes before hers for their proposal, and since he wanted her to "chill out" in the future, this would likely become a pattern in their marriage, too.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.