When a person tells you who they are, we are suppose to respect it and move on.
That has been the basis of what trans people have been trying to explain.
Which is why the topic of deadnaming and misgendering is so hurtful.
So many people still refuse to get it.
Case in point...
Redditor Daddofthree wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for storming off from my sister's wedding after she deadnamed my son?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a 45 year old single father of three."
"Their mom died 10 years ago."
"I have 3 sons, 17 Andrew, 15 Connor and 14 Max."
"Connor was born female, he is trans."
"He came out as trans 5 years ago, and has now socially transitioned, not yet physically."
"My sister (38 F[emale]) just got married."
"Me and my sons were also invited."
"My family has known that Connor is trans for 2 years now."
"Some have adjusted well, some not so much."
"My sister is pretty indifferent about it."
"Her wedding was really super well organized to the last detail."
"She wanted all the men to wear shirt+tie and then women sundresses."
"I texted her a picture of our outfits the day before the wedding, and she said 'Where's Nia's dress?'"
"I was a bit surprised and told her not to deadname my son and that he'll be wearing a shirt and tie like the rest of men there or we aren't coming."
"She said 'fine' and that was it."
"At the reception, my sister got mad that Connor was wearing a tie, but didn't say much after that."
"When we sat down at our table, the card 'Nia.'"
"I went to my sister and she said she used 'their real name.'"
"I told her me and the boys are leaving."
"And she told me 'Don't you dare cause a scene at MY WEDDING, Nia can be a guy any other day.'"
"I called her a bigot and we left."
"My family says I ruined her wedding."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"You stood up for your kid."
"That makes you a wonderful parent, definitely NTA." ~ Hour_Dog_4781
"He can be a man any other day?!"
"What a ridiculous thing to say."
"Well, sister theoretically could be an AH any other day too, yet here we are. NTA."
"Good on you for standing up to her in support of your son." ~ samanthacarter4
"Also, what adult lets something so trivial as a dress or name card ruin their wedding?"
"There are so many other details to worry about, why pick those?"
"OP, your sister sucks. NTA." ~ 8cowdot
"Connor is a man every day."
"Went to bed yesterday a man, woke up today a man."
"No one is calling into question whether or not Connor is a man except for the sister, and the only one making a scene of it, is the sister."
"All she needs to do today, as she should be everyday, is showing Connor a modicum of respect and not dead naming him." ~ DeusXMathematica
"NTA, long con idea though; she got married right?"
"She was miss Smith let's say, she's now Mrs Jones right?"
"Conveniently forget the Jones and call her Smith."
"I mean that's what you've known her as your whole life."
"So it's hard to change what you've called someone their whole life even if they prefer you call them something else." ~l ucifersnana
"I (F [emale] 59) kept my name, and we gave my name to our kids."
"My husband answers to mine, far more gracefully than I answer to his."
"All though our kids' school years, we both answered to 'Mr Jenny's dad' and 'Mrs David's mom.'"
"Lots and lots of their friends' parents had random names compared to the kids."
"They just kept it simple!"
"Worked just fine."
"Now, in my family, everyone has done pretty well adapting to my trans daughter's pronouns."
"She only changed the spelling of her old nickname, so that was easy."
"The elderly relatives will say 'he' and 'she' for her in the same sentence."
"All while gushing about how pleased they are that she is so happy now she has come out."
"That is acceptable, because these relatives are being respectful and trying their level best."
"But, simply can't manage the words consistently."
"Respect is the most important part, and OP's sister completely and totally blew that."
"NTA, well done, Dad!" ~ Neenknits
"NTA You're doing a grand job."
"My daughter's friend is trans."
"I spoke to her and told her I was thrilled about her being happy in her own skin but apologized in advance because I will get her name wrong sometimes."
"Hell, I call my daughter her brothers's name and vice versa occasionally."
"She told me she was cool."
"She knew where I was coming from and it was the intent behind the act that was the important bit."
"She knows she has love and safety in our household."
"Unfortunately it seems my mouth works too fast for my brain to keep up at times." ~ Combinedolly
"Def NTA."
"OP stood up for his child, that's what matters."
"Weddings take time plan, his sister had plenty of time to think about it and to decide what she would do."
"So, it wasn't 'forgetting.'"
The whole thing would have been been easy, but she had to be an a**."
"Serves her right for ruining her own wedding." ~ AkuLives
"NTA. First, you're a hero for protecting your kid. Never feel sorry for that."
"Second, your sister isn't 'indifferent' to your son being trans."
"She's actively a transphobe."
"Nobody accepting or even indifferent would repeatedly use a deadname."
"Honestly, in your position I'd just cut her out." ~ _PrincessOats
"NTA. I don't quite understand all this transitioning stuff, but it looks to me like you respect your child."
"And you demanded that your sister respect him also, and she didn't."
"If anyone created a scene, it was her by putting Nia on the name card."
"You did the right thing." ~ ClothesQueasy2828
"At that age it really is as simple as letting the kid control their own appearance, and calling them by the name they want to be called."
"Which you'd be a jerk not to do regardless of whether they're cis, trans, or any other factor."
"Respecting your kid as an individual and listening to them when they tell you who they are really is the core of it."
"You're right that this is exactly what OP is doing, and exactly what his sister is failing to do." ~ _higglety
"Yeah, when people get in a huff about it I just think about the kid in my 7th grade who didn't want to be called Joey anymore because he thought it was immature."
"He wanted to be called Joe."
"Ya know what we did? We called him Joe."
"It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that."
"If OP's kid had some silly family nickname that he didn't like anymore and asked the family to call him by something else for the last two years, and OP's sister put the old nickname on the seating card at the wedding, she'd be the AH for intentionally ignoring the son's feelings."
"Same thing here."
"I know it ends up being a lot more complicated than that for most trans folks because it's not JUST a name."
"But even if it was just a name, it's an AH thing to do for any reason." ~ OrindaSarnia
"My dad went by 'Charles' as a child/teen and later went by Charlie Bill or just plain Chuck."
"His choice was respected."
"My grandson told me at age six that he was no longer 'Johnny'. 'My name is John,' he said firmly."
"And so it has been from that time forward."
"OP is NTA, but his sister sure is. She 'ruined' her own damn wedding." ~ sowhat4
"This is absolutely specifically targeting the OP's son for being trans."
"Because I bet if one of the cis guests had a preference to bring called by a middle name they'd have no problem accommodating that."
"I remember at my gran's funeral half the guests were surprised that they'd been calling her Auntie Nickname when it said Firstname 'Nickname' Lastname on the order of service."
"It's not that uncommon for people to go by something other than what's on their birth certificate."
"And in everyday life it only seems to raise eyebrows when it can be used as a 'polite and respectable' proxy for bigotry." ~ hdhxuxufxufufiffif
"Notice how she even used 'their.'"
"Bigots will hate on non-binary identities and they/them pronouns with all kind of excuses."
"But the moment they can use it to misgender binary trans people."
"Then it's fine and not difficult at all."
"NTA OP, you did the right thing."
"If she didn't want you to cause a scene she shouldn't have facilitated it." ~ DarkBlueChameleon
OP, you have the weight of Reddit at you back.
Not many dads would chose their trans child first.
Good for you.
Hopefully one day this situation can be resolved with the entire family coming together.
But you keep doing you.
Good luck and happy end of Pride!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp