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Guy Accused Of ‘Ruining’ Sister’s Wedding By Walking Out After She Deadnamed His Trans Son


When a person tells you who they are, we are suppose to respect it and move on.

That has been the basis of what trans people have been trying to explain.

Which is why the topic of deadnaming and misgendering is so hurtful.

So many people still refuse to get it.

Case in point…

Redditor Daddofthree wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

He asked:

“AITA for storming off from my sister’s wedding after she deadnamed my son?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“I’m a 45 year old single father of three.”

“Their mom died 10 years ago.”

“I have 3 sons, 17 Andrew, 15 Connor and 14 Max.”

“Connor was born female, he is trans.”

“He came out as trans 5 years ago, and has now socially transitioned, not yet physically.”

“My sister (38 F[emale]) just got married.”

“Me and my sons were also invited.”

“My family has known that Connor is trans for 2 years now.”

“Some have adjusted well, some not so much.”

“My sister is pretty indifferent about it.”

“Her wedding was really super well organized to the last detail.”

“She wanted all the men to wear shirt+tie and then women sundresses.”

“I texted her a picture of our outfits the day before the wedding, and she said ‘Where’s Nia’s dress?'”

“I was a bit surprised and told her not to deadname my son and that he’ll be wearing a shirt and tie like the rest of men there or we aren’t coming.”

“She said ‘fine’ and that was it.”

“At the reception, my sister got mad that Connor was wearing a tie, but didn’t say much after that.”

“When we sat down at our table, the card ‘Nia.'”

“I went to my sister and she said she used ‘their real name.'”

“I told her me and the boys are leaving.”

“And she told me ‘Don’t you dare cause a scene at MY WEDDING, Nia can be a guy any other day.'”

“I called her a bigot and we left.”

“My family says I ruined her wedding.”


Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.

It’s a tricky situation.

Let’s hear some thoughts…

“You stood up for your kid.”

“That makes you a wonderful parent, definitely NTA.”  ~ Hour_Dog_4781

“He can be a man any other day?!”

“What a ridiculous thing to say.”

“Well, sister theoretically could be an AH any other day too, yet here we are. NTA.”

“Good on you for standing up to her in support of your son.”  ~ samanthacarter4

“Also, what adult lets something so trivial as a dress or name card ruin their wedding?”

“There are so many other details to worry about, why pick those?”

“OP, your sister sucks. NTA.”  ~ 8cowdot

“Connor is a man every day.”

“Went to bed yesterday a man, woke up today a man.”

“No one is calling into question whether or not Connor is a man except for the sister, and the only one making a scene of it, is the sister.”

“All she needs to do today, as she should be everyday, is showing Connor a modicum of respect and not dead naming him.”  ~ DeusXMathematica

“NTA, long con idea though; she got married right?”

“She was miss Smith let’s say, she’s now Mrs Jones right?”

“Conveniently forget the Jones and call her Smith.”

“I mean that’s what you’ve known her as your whole life.”

“So it’s hard to change what you’ve called someone their whole life even if they prefer you call them something else.”   ~l ucifersnana

“I (F [emale] 59) kept my name, and we gave my name to our kids.”

“My husband answers to mine, far more gracefully than I answer to his.”

“All though our kids’ school years, we both answered to ‘Mr Jenny’s dad’ and ‘Mrs David’s mom.'”

“Lots and lots of their friends’ parents had random names compared to the kids.”

“They just kept it simple!”

“Worked just fine.”

“Now, in my family, everyone has done pretty well adapting to my trans daughter’s pronouns.”

“She only changed the spelling of her old nickname, so that was easy.”

“The elderly relatives will say ‘he’ and ‘she’ for her in the same sentence.”

“All while gushing about how pleased they are that she is so happy now she has come out.”

“That is acceptable, because these relatives are being respectful and trying their level best.”

“But, simply can’t manage the words consistently.”

“Respect is the most important part, and OP’s sister completely and totally blew that.”

“NTA, well done, Dad!”  ~ Neenknits

“NTA You’re doing a grand job.”

“My daughter’s friend is trans.”

“I spoke to her and told her I was thrilled about her being happy in her own skin but apologized in advance because I will get her name wrong sometimes.”

“Hell, I call my daughter her brothers’s name and vice versa occasionally.”

“She told me she was cool.”

“She knew where I was coming from and it was the intent behind the act that was the important bit.”

“She knows she has love and safety in our household.”

“Unfortunately it seems my mouth works too fast for my brain to keep up at times.” ~ Combinedolly

“Def NTA.”

“OP stood up for his child, that’s what matters.”

“Weddings take time plan, his sister had plenty of time to think about it and to decide what she would do.”

“So, it wasn’t ‘forgetting.'”

The whole thing would have been been easy, but she had to be an a**.”

“Serves her right for ruining her own wedding.”  ~ AkuLives

“NTA. First, you’re a hero for protecting your kid. Never feel sorry for that.”

“Second, your sister isn’t ‘indifferent’ to your son being trans.”

“She’s actively a transphobe.”

“Nobody accepting or even indifferent would repeatedly use a deadname.”

“Honestly, in your position I’d just cut her out.”  ~ _PrincessOats

“NTA. I don’t quite understand all this transitioning stuff, but it looks to me like you respect your child.”

“And you demanded that your sister respect him also, and she didn’t.”

“If anyone created a scene, it was her by putting Nia on the name card.”

“You did the right thing.”  ~ ClothesQueasy2828

“At that age it really is as simple as letting the kid control their own appearance, and calling them by the name they want to be called.”

“Which you’d be a jerk not to do regardless of whether they’re cis, trans, or any other factor.”

“Respecting your kid as an individual and listening to them when they tell you who they are really is the core of it.”

“You’re right that this is exactly what OP is doing, and exactly what his sister is failing to do.”  ~ _higglety

“Yeah, when people get in a huff about it I just think about the kid in my 7th grade who didn’t want to be called Joey anymore because he thought it was immature.”

“He wanted to be called Joe.”

“Ya know what we did? We called him Joe.”

“It doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.”

“If OP’s kid had some silly family nickname that he didn’t like anymore and asked the family to call him by something else for the last two years, and OP’s sister put the old nickname on the seating card at the wedding, she’d be the AH for intentionally ignoring the son’s feelings.”

“Same thing here.”

“I know it ends up being a lot more complicated than that for most trans folks because it’s not JUST a name.”

“But even if it was just a name, it’s an AH thing to do for any reason.”  ~ OrindaSarnia

“My dad went by ‘Charles’ as a child/teen and later went by Charlie Bill or just plain Chuck.”

“His choice was respected.”

“My grandson told me at age six that he was no longer ‘Johnny’. ‘My name is John,’ he said firmly.”

“And so it has been from that time forward.”

“OP is NTA, but his sister sure is. She ‘ruined’ her own damn wedding.”  ~ sowhat4

“This is absolutely specifically targeting the OP’s son for being trans.”

“Because I bet if one of the cis guests had a preference to bring called by a middle name they’d have no problem accommodating that.”

“I remember at my gran’s funeral half the guests were surprised that they’d been calling her Auntie Nickname when it said Firstname ‘Nickname’ Lastname on the order of service.”

“It’s not that uncommon for people to go by something other than what’s on their birth certificate.”

“And in everyday life it only seems to raise eyebrows when it can be used as a ‘polite and respectable’ proxy for bigotry.”  ~ hdhxuxufxufufiffif

“Notice how she even used ‘their.'”

“Bigots will hate on non-binary identities and they/them pronouns with all kind of excuses.”

“But the moment they can use it to misgender binary trans people.”

“Then it’s fine and not difficult at all.”

“NTA OP, you did the right thing.”

“If she didn’t want you to cause a scene she shouldn’t have facilitated it.”  ~ DarkBlueChameleon

OP, you have the weight of Reddit at you back.

Not many dads would chose their trans child first.

Good for you.

Hopefully one day this situation can be resolved with the entire family coming together.

But you keep doing you.

Good luck and happy end of Pride!