When visiting a foreign country, it's best to do a little research on the basic rules and regulations.
People should know how to travel.
And, most importantly, what not to pack in their bags that might land them in trouble.
Case in point...
Redditor Interesting_Life_890 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not packing my brother's luggage and letting him get arrested?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My parents and brother seem to consider me his servant since he was born."
"Don't know why, though. It's not cultural."
"We are as homegrown as can be."
"He is five years younger than me and has always been spoiled. Whatever."
"I got out and got my education."
"Thanks to my dual citizenship, I was able to get a job in Vancouver, Canada in the film industry, and I like to think I'm doing well."
"I met my boyfriend here, and we will see where that goes."
"My parents brought my brother up to 'visit' me last week."
"My brother is on his gap year, and my parents wanted to take him skiing up here."
"They stayed with me for a couple of days on their way home."
"It was great to see them even though they tried to turn me into his maid again."
"On their way home, he tried to tell me to pack his bag for him."
"I politely told him to get f**ked."
"I wasn't in our parents' house, and I didn't have to follow their rules."
"He got angry and just crammed his stuff in his bag."
"Fun fact about cannabis in Canada."
"Each province sets its age limit for use."
"Next door in Alberta, you can buy alcohol and weed at 18."
"In my province, it's 19."
"There are also signs all over the airport that say not to travel with that over the border even if it is legal in your state."
"Guess what he had in his luggage?"
"Guess who got in trouble for not being careful about his luggage?"
"My parents are mad at me because I was so irresponsible to let him pack that in his luggage."
"My brother thinks I'm an a**hole for not packing his luggage."
"And I actually feel quite bad about that idiot getting in trouble."
"He is a spoiled little jerk, but I do love him."
"And if he had asked me nicely, I would have helped him pack and reminded him of the law."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. I'm glad you set a boundary and stuck to it."
"Natural consequences for him and your parents." ~ PurpleGreyPunk
"Parents and brother are all the a**holes!"
"Whenever you go travelling all customs worldwide ask the same question."
"Did you pack your bags yourself?"
"If not, you can't take the bags with you!"
"Your brother is in for a rude awaking when real life hits him, and he has to be responsible for his own actions!" ~ Apart_Foundation1702
"I mean, I was taught to pack my stuff when I was well, maybe starting when I was 8?"
"I would get a rundown of stuff from parents, once, but I was in charge."
"If I forgot something, pretty much, oh well, it was on me."
"Okay, minus a toothbrush, which I would get a new one if need be."
"These parents are completely not preparing their son for adulthood. Wow." ~ Sleipnir82
"Listen, if your kid is getting arrested with drugs at an airport, you have failed."
"I was like 6 when I had the DARE lesson."
"Anyone with an ounce of common sense knows weed is illegal federally and internationally, and you can get in trouble because it is still illegal across the entire world, and airports tend to follow a standard set of laws."
"I worked at a courthouse in a state where weed was legal while in undergrad as a clerk and had to go to the federal court to help out."
"Idiot comes in with weed and a medical ID card screaming at the officers that he can have it, it's legal, blah blah blah."
"Finally, L[ieu]T[enant] on duty has had enough of this clown and calls the town where the card was issued, and the convo goes 'Hello, this is LT X calling over from X federal courthouse.'"
"'I have a Mr. Clown here with a Weed Card issued from your town.'"
"'As you know, weed is still illegal in the USA, and being in possession on federal property is grounds for arrest. He's here insulting my guys and assuring us this card grants him authority.'"
"Person on the other side of the phone must be upset because your county is supposed to advise people on this law when they issue the card.'"
"'So LT says Yes, Ma'am I'll take care of the card right away.'"
"And he cuts the medical card up right then and there." ~ millioneura
"My stepdad was in the military and had the same ideology."
"I was a bit of a problem in that I tended to overpack."
"I think by age 7 or 8, maybe, we were expected to pack our bags and take care of our own stuff."
"And dang, OP, look at your brother having to 'suffer' the consequences of his own actions!"
"It may be an expensive (and I'm guessing a bit embarrassing for your parents) lesson to learn, but keep reiterating he is not your responsibility."
"Like you see on here a lot, 'not my monkey, not my zoo, not my circus.'"
"And tell them you charge $1,000 per carry-on size bag, $3,000 per checked bag they expect you to pack."
"Oh, and any items deemed illegal in your province will not be packed but either turned into authorities or destroyed - whichever is deemed appropriate to you."
"If they insist on putting you as responsible for his crap, then you ain't going down for his stupidity!" ~ NightTimely1029
"This was a close call for OP."
"If they had packed the bag, who is to say that the brother would not have added the cannabis to the bag later?"
"I doubt the brother would have happily left behind cannabis he paid for."
"And then, when caught, blamed OP for packing the bag, with the parents as witnesses that OP packed the bag?"
"I have no doubt that the parents and brother would have used OP as a scapegoat."
"As it is now, the brother made such a fuss about the fact that OP didn't pack the bag, which clears OP of being blamed for what was found in it."
"You set your brother up to look like he committed a crime 'is far worse' than 'you didn't do his work for him, so he committed a crime.'" ~ Jazzlike_Humor3340
"NTA. The mental gymnastic your family had to do to try to turn this around on you is almost impressive."
"They'd win gold at the mental gymnastics Olympics." ~ solivia916
"NTA. He's an adult."
"He can get his own crap together."
"If he can't, that's a him problem."
"If he wants to break laws, then he's going to have to face the consequences."
"Did you tell him to transport something illegally? No."
"Therefore you have no responsibility here."
"If anyone does, it's his parents." ~ Lady_Of_The_Manor
"NTA. The good news is you'll never be asked to pack his bag again because he won't be going anywhere."
"In every Canadian airport I've flown international from they literally have garbage cans under the 'don't travel with pot' signs so you can toss it right then with no consequences."
"That's a level of stupid you can't fix and definitely aren't responsible for." ~ unlovelyladybartleby
"This is honestly funny."
"I know you probably can't laugh right now, but that your parents really think you are responsible for your brother's drug use is... hilarious."
"NTA. Also- if your brother is under 21, everyone should really be concerned about him smoking it anyway."
"It is proven to be bad for developing brains."
"Long-term side effects that can follow him for years- like depression." ~ CakeEatingRabbit
"NTA. Your brother is an adult."
'Since he has graduated from his school, it is safe to assume he can read."
"It's not your fault he thinks the rules do not apply to him."
"Your parents are a**holes for blaming you for his decision and trying to guilt you for not being his servant in your own home."
"Good luck with your career." ~ International_Set522
"NTA. If he's going to use, he should be aware of where it's permitted."
"Dude has to learn to read signs, easy."
"That has to be a good solid life lesson for him to have as he is an adult now and solely responsible for his use and enjoyment of those substances."
"Your parents are, respectfully, pretty bad parents to him."
"If they harass you again about it, tell them that your brother's drug use is his own responsibility, not your own."
"And that they as his loving parents, are making him incapable of being a responsible adult."
"Glad you're away from them, find your voice, start putting hard boundaries on what they expect you to do." ~ Rohini_rambles
"NTA... if your brother is too incompetent to pack his own luggage as an adult, his mommy or daddy should do it, not you."
"YOU did nothing to get him in trouble."
"If anyone is to blame (other than obviously your brother), it's your parents for coddling him." ~ winesis
Well OP, Reddit is with you here.
People, especially grown people, should be able to pack their own luggage
And if someone is planning to transport illegal substances, they should really be on top of it themselves.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp