For the people we love the most, it’s undeniable that we would like to give them things that would make them happy.
But if those things go against something they believe, is it still a good gift? questioned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor natydia12 was furious to find out how his girlfriend had actually paid for the couple’s vacation she arranged for them.
But when the flight home was awkward, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he overreacted.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for ‘abandoning’ my girlfriend on our trip?”
The OP had fairly rigid morals.
“Me (30 [Male]) and Molly (29 [Female]) have been dating for 3 years. We both work good jobs and overall get along well.”
“So I have a personal preference, I don’t like favors or to be in debt to people. This is something that was ingrained in me by my father. And something that is important to me. I don’t like to feel like I ever ‘owe’ someone.”
“Molly knows my stance and has respected it.”
“Molly hangs with a wealthy crowd. I’ve gone to dinners/shows with her friends and while I think they waste money, it’s not a bad time and I always pay my half.”
“So I started my own business a year ago with Molly’s blessing. It’s just getting off the ground, so things are tight. I didn’t take a salary for almost a full year.”
“Everything I make gets reinvested, but I always make sure I still pay for my half of our bills.”
Molly wanted to treat the OP to a break.
“Molly was saying I’ve been working hard and deserved a vacation.”
“She surprised me with tickets to a beach destination and says she’s paid for it.”
“I offered to pay my half but she wouldn’t take it. I was thrilled to go.”
“We fly, Uber to this fancy condo, and cap the night with a boat ride together.”
Then the OP found out how Molly paid for the trip.
“The next morning a couple of her friends show up, I was shocked as I didn’t expect anyone else on the trip.”
“Her one friend (who she dated back in HS, I’m don’t really like him and Molly knows this) asked how we were enjoying his place.”
“I asked what he meant, then he explains his dad’s company uses the place for clients.”
“I was so mad at this point but held it together till they left. I asked her to come clean.”
2Molly admitted she knew I wouldn’t go if I knew but the plane tickets/the condo/boat rental were all comped thru her friend.”
“I was steaming mad and decided to just leave.”
“I was already at the beach and my plane didn’t leave for a couple of days. So I Ubered to a hotel and stayed there the next few nights.”
“I didn’t answer my phone the rest of the trip and enjoyed the vacation by myself.”
The OP had mixed feelings.
“I finally saw Molly at the airport and we had a quiet plane ride back with neither of us talking much.”
“My family is saying I’m overreacting.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said Molly had intentionally misled the OP.
“I think what makes this a problem is she acknowledged that she wasn’t honest because she knew he would refuse otherwise. She can decide that his views are unhealthy or unreasonable, but her options then are to try to discuss and find a solution together, to end the relationship, or to decide it’s not a dealbreaker.”
“Being dishonest to get her way is not an okay option. It’s a very slippery slope to say ‘If your partner’s boundaries are really unreasonable, just lie to them because their views are invalid;’ you can decide a boundary is a dealbreaker for you and end the relationship, but you can’t decide the boundary isn’t valid so you’ll just violate it.”
“If someone is that ridiculous then the answer is break up, not lie to them so your ideals get priority. Otherwise, a lot of reasonable boundaries get trampled because someone thought they weren’t reasonable enough.” – littlefiddle05
“OP seemed to be relaxing his rigidity with his girlfriend and not refusing her gift. She lied to him to accept a gift from someone he didn’t want to accept a gift from, which frankly I wouldn’t be comfortable with personally, and I have zero problems with favors.”
“Said person then brought it up immediately, which must have been so incredibly uncomfortable and jarring. NTA. You made your needs clear and your girlfriend violated them.” – toadseyegem
Others said the OP seriously overreacted.
“I would like to know if he would still be mad if his girlfriend used someone else’s place. Kinda seems like there is some unresolved resentment and jealousy towards this specific friend. Did the girlfriend not say anything because of OP’s principle or because of which friend offered them the vacation?” – AilurusCos
“She arranged a gift for him, it doesn’t matter how it worked out. It’s not like the OP owes the guy anything, it’s an independent arrangement between the guy and OP’s GF. OP is being an irrational idiot. He can’t see the forest past the trees.” – Trauma_Hawks
Some said it was more of an ESH situation.
“It was handled terribly. But this followed kinda close to the ‘better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission’ way of thinking.”
“OP blowing up was unnecessary, but at the same time, asking him ahead of time may have prevented a lot of it.”
“Especially since he didn’t immediately buy a ticket home, and instead stayed until his flight back. So he seemed to have less issue with the plane ticket and more issue with staying at a hotel that the friend frequented.”
“They could have just stayed at a different hotel and enjoyed their vacation together.” – RDBZ_90
“Yeah, why talk about it or have a discussion like an adult? Best to just be miserable and flee. The girlfriend made a mistake but her heart was in the right place.”
“I cannot imagine how frustrating it would be if every single time I did something nice for my partner, no matter how big or small, they insisted on giving me half the money. That’s how op is. It isn’t normal nor is it conducive to a healthy relationship.”
“He’s an a**hole and he needs therapy if he wants to get over his insane insecurities.” – RusticTroglodyte
While the subReddit could understand sticking with his morals, they were more divided on how the OP handled the situation overall.
On the one hand, his girlfriend intentionally misled him, even if her intentions were good. But perhaps having a conversation would have been a more mature reaction than storming out.