For the people we love the most, it's undeniable that we would like to give them things that would make them happy.
But if those things go against something they believe, is it still a good gift? questioned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor natydia12 was furious to find out how his girlfriend had actually paid for the couple's vacation she arranged for them.
But when the flight home was awkward, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he overreacted.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for 'abandoning' my girlfriend on our trip?"
The OP had fairly rigid morals.
"Me (30 [Male]) and Molly (29 [Female]) have been dating for 3 years. We both work good jobs and overall get along well."
"So I have a personal preference, I don't like favors or to be in debt to people. This is something that was ingrained in me by my father. And something that is important to me. I don't like to feel like I ever 'owe' someone."
"Molly knows my stance and has respected it."
"Molly hangs with a wealthy crowd. I've gone to dinners/shows with her friends and while I think they waste money, it's not a bad time and I always pay my half."
"So I started my own business a year ago with Molly's blessing. It's just getting off the ground, so things are tight. I didn't take a salary for almost a full year."
"Everything I make gets reinvested, but I always make sure I still pay for my half of our bills."
Molly wanted to treat the OP to a break.
"Molly was saying I've been working hard and deserved a vacation."
"She surprised me with tickets to a beach destination and says she's paid for it."
"I offered to pay my half but she wouldn't take it. I was thrilled to go."
"We fly, Uber to this fancy condo, and cap the night with a boat ride together."
Then the OP found out how Molly paid for the trip.
"The next morning a couple of her friends show up, I was shocked as I didn't expect anyone else on the trip."
"Her one friend (who she dated back in HS, I'm don't really like him and Molly knows this) asked how we were enjoying his place."
"I asked what he meant, then he explains his dad's company uses the place for clients."
"I was so mad at this point but held it together till they left. I asked her to come clean."
2Molly admitted she knew I wouldn't go if I knew but the plane tickets/the condo/boat rental were all comped thru her friend."
"I was steaming mad and decided to just leave."
"I was already at the beach and my plane didn't leave for a couple of days. So I Ubered to a hotel and stayed there the next few nights."
"I didn't answer my phone the rest of the trip and enjoyed the vacation by myself."
The OP had mixed feelings.
"I finally saw Molly at the airport and we had a quiet plane ride back with neither of us talking much."
"My family is saying I'm overreacting."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said Molly had intentionally misled the OP.
"I think what makes this a problem is she acknowledged that she wasn't honest because she knew he would refuse otherwise. She can decide that his views are unhealthy or unreasonable, but her options then are to try to discuss and find a solution together, to end the relationship, or to decide it's not a dealbreaker."
"Being dishonest to get her way is not an okay option. It's a very slippery slope to say 'If your partner's boundaries are really unreasonable, just lie to them because their views are invalid;' you can decide a boundary is a dealbreaker for you and end the relationship, but you can't decide the boundary isn't valid so you'll just violate it."
"If someone is that ridiculous then the answer is break up, not lie to them so your ideals get priority. Otherwise, a lot of reasonable boundaries get trampled because someone thought they weren't reasonable enough." - littlefiddle05
"OP seemed to be relaxing his rigidity with his girlfriend and not refusing her gift. She lied to him to accept a gift from someone he didn't want to accept a gift from, which frankly I wouldn't be comfortable with personally, and I have zero problems with favors."
"Said person then brought it up immediately, which must have been so incredibly uncomfortable and jarring. NTA. You made your needs clear and your girlfriend violated them." - toadseyegem
Others said the OP seriously overreacted.
"I would like to know if he would still be mad if his girlfriend used someone else's place. Kinda seems like there is some unresolved resentment and jealousy towards this specific friend. Did the girlfriend not say anything because of OP's principle or because of which friend offered them the vacation?" - AilurusCos
"She arranged a gift for him, it doesn't matter how it worked out. It's not like the OP owes the guy anything, it's an independent arrangement between the guy and OP's GF. OP is being an irrational idiot. He can't see the forest past the trees." - Trauma_Hawks
Some said it was more of an ESH situation.
"It was handled terribly. But this followed kinda close to the 'better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission' way of thinking."
"OP blowing up was unnecessary, but at the same time, asking him ahead of time may have prevented a lot of it."
"Especially since he didn't immediately buy a ticket home, and instead stayed until his flight back. So he seemed to have less issue with the plane ticket and more issue with staying at a hotel that the friend frequented."
"They could have just stayed at a different hotel and enjoyed their vacation together." - RDBZ_90
"Yeah, why talk about it or have a discussion like an adult? Best to just be miserable and flee. The girlfriend made a mistake but her heart was in the right place."
"I cannot imagine how frustrating it would be if every single time I did something nice for my partner, no matter how big or small, they insisted on giving me half the money. That's how op is. It isn't normal nor is it conducive to a healthy relationship."
"He's an a**hole and he needs therapy if he wants to get over his insane insecurities." - RusticTroglodyte
While the subReddit could understand sticking with his morals, they were more divided on how the OP handled the situation overall.
On the one hand, his girlfriend intentionally misled him, even if her intentions were good. But perhaps having a conversation would have been a more mature reaction than storming out.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.