Redditor Fine-Address9947 and his wife recently joined the more than 25% of married couples who sleep in separate bedrooms.
The idea was originally the Original Poster (OP)’s wife’s idea. The plan involved separate rooms as well as knocking before entering for privacy.
The OP was resistant to this change but eventually acquiesced.
After the separate bedrooms were implemented, the OP found himself enjoying the setup.
His wife, however, had pretty immediate buyer’s remorse.
Recently she has started sleeping in his bedroom with increasing frequency, and even started entering without knocking.
This later part has particularly bothered the OP, leading him to bring it up with her.
The conversation did not go particularly well, driving the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
“AITA for telling my wife she needs to knock on my separate bedroom door before entering?”
He went on to explain:
“About a year ago, my [44-year-old Male] wife [38-year-old Feale] suggested us getting separate bedrooms…”
“…since she had a lot of trouble sleeping together and it would allow us to have our own privacy.”
“I was initially not a big fan of the idea because I thought it would affect our relationship and our connection, but after talking about it for a few months I reluctantly agreed.”
“She also suggested that we need to respect each other’s privacy by knocking on each other’s doors before entering.”
“So for about a year now we have had our own bedrooms and to my surprise, I have been enjoying it a lot.”
“We still sleep together a few times a week, but do spend the majority of the nights separately.”
“I have really enjoyed the privacy and having the opportunity to unwind by myself without having to worry about anything else. But my wife on the other hand doesn’t seem to be enjoying it as much.’
“She has started spending more nights with me in my bedroom which is fine. But she has now started acting like we don’t have any agreements at all.”
“At first she was very adamant about knocking on each other’s doors before entering each other’s rooms and would frequently call me out on it if I didn’t.”
“But now she has started acting like my separate bedroom is her bedroom and she doesn’t knock before entering my room like we agreed to.”
“When I called her out on it, she got really emotional and angry with me. She told me that I didn’t care about her and I didn’t want to have her around anymore.”
“She also said that it really hurts her feelings. But I just referred to all the rules she had made up and that has gotten her really upset”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
“NTA, but I think you guys need an impartial third party for helping you discuss things. She wanted privacy and space. You did your best to allow that even though you weren’t entirely on board.”
“Now, you’ve managed to make it work for you and she’s stomping all over the boundaries that SHE put in place, probably because SHE put them there.”
“They were mainly for her and you were supposed to be upset about it. The fact that you’re no longer upset is nagging at her.”
“And that in itself speaks to something else in the marriage that needs to be addressed.”
“She doesn’t get to make unilateral rules, demand you abide by them, then emotionally manipulate you until she gets her own way- which seems to change whenever she feels like changing it.”
“You’re not a mind reader. She needs to be upfront if she wants things. And she also needs to take YOUR feelings into consideration. It sounds like she’s not.” – WikkidWitchly
“It seems very obvious that you should have a conversation about how you both still feel about the arrangement.”
“You can tell that she doesn’t seem happy about it anymore, but you’re knowingly avoiding that and instead engage in little arguments around what you know to be the actual issue.”
“I’m not saying that the arrangement is good or bad, but you ARE aware that you’re still happy while she’s not and you’re avoiding it…”
“…because you don’t want her to say out loud that she wants to share again because then you’ll have to tell her outright that you don’t.”
“You’ll have to have this conversation eventually anyway. Dragging it out will add extra resentment and the conversation when it happens will be worse for it. ESH I guess.” – Plane-Trifle3608
“I mean if I were you I’d be asking if she has changed her mind and having a conversation about how both of you are feeling with the current arrangement rather than posting about it on here.”
“You’d get a lot further, who cares who the ah is why not just talk it out and if you can’t, well there’s your issue right there” – -SummerBee-
“NTA – She needs to suck it up and explain if she wants to go back to the old way of things. Not emotionally manipulate you into it so she can avoid admitting she was wrong.”
“Urgh i hate people.” – samski123
“What type of trouble that besides separate rooms to sleep, even need to ‘respect each other’s privacy by knocking on each other’s doors before entering.’..”
“Sounds like roommates at this point..”
“‘When I called her out on it, she got really emotional and angry with me’”
“This is a wild opinion, but sounds a bit like ‘i was having my secret fun alone, and now that it’s over, i want you back’…”
“‘She told me that I didn’t care about her and I didn’t want to have her around anymore’”
“99% sure she was the one wanting her own room and privacy and knock before enter….”
“NTA, have a conversation, this feels like something else is going on on her side……….” – barugosamaa
“I’m kind of hung up on the knocking part. I can think of a few reasons for wanting to sleep separately, but insisting on knocking implies wanting to be warned before you come in.”
“What were her stated reasons for wanting to sleep separate? Were they reasonable, such as different sleep schedules or snoring? What was her reasoning for insisting on knocking?”
“I’m really interested in those because I can’t think of a good reason but can think of many not so good reasons.” – onjohn23456
“I’m autistic, and this sounds so much like the miscommunications I sometimes have with neurotypical people.”
“They ask me to do something, I say OK and do it, they burst into tears or fly into a rage that I didn’t pick up the secret unspoken hidden messages under their words…”
“…that meant I was actually supposed to do the opposite of what they said.”
“Anyway, your wife sounds frustrating, and possibly unhappy in your marriage overall?”
“NTA obviously, but couples therapy sounds like something you should urgently pursue, if this is a marriage you want to stay in.” – Jaded_Lab_1539
“Rules can obviously renegotiated but it was her idea in the first place. She cannot be upset, that you actually want to uphold the rules she implemented.”
“You are obviously NTA. Talk to her. There seems to be a bigger issue underlying.”
“Like she actually now believes what you thought in the first place, that seperate beds has an effect on the relationship and connection.” – FB1234567890
“NTA – it was her choice, if she wants things to change she needs to talk about it instead of just acting like it never happened.”
“she is trying to do whatever is convenient for her and guilt tripping and manipulating you instead of handling it like an adult. yikes” – Traditional-Trade795
“‘When I called her out on it, she got really emotional and angry with me. She told me that I didn’t care about her and I didn’t want to have her around anymore.’”
“‘She also said that it really hurts her feelings. But I just referred to all the rules she had made up and that has gotten her really upset’”
“It was not a problem when she initiated this, when she asked you in first place it was normal ? I m so tired of people’s selfishness. She can cry, she can be mad.”
“She has to remember it was not a problem to hurt you by asking this last year so no.”
“Now that you are use to it and that you sleep well she cannot play the victim I m sorry but your wife seems to be annoying.” – Catwomaninred
“Makes me wonder if she was having some sort of online affair and wanted privacy at night to send pics and videos or chat without you over her shoulder…”
“…and now it’s gone stale or ended so she wants you again bc, hey, you’re pretty convenient being right across the hall and all…”
“Or she could have been reading or hearing about separate bedrooms online or from a friend, thought it sounded like a good idea but now regrets it bc she’s found after a time apart…”
“…she’s lonely in the night.” – ObsidianNight10610
Sounds like the perfect opportunity for a proper conversation.