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Guy Lashes Out After His Wife Forbids Him From Attending His Ex-Wife’s Funeral

A couple argues bitterly
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Everyone has a past.

And in those pasts, there are ex-friends and ex-lovers, sometimes ex-spouses.

Coming to terms with how everyone fits into each other’s lives can be very difficult.

Case in point…

Redditor aita_husband_deadex wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

“AITA for not wanting my husband to go to his ex’s funeral?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“I’ll admit I’m biased right off the bat.”

“I couldn’t stand her.”

“I call her ‘his ex’ to myself and others.”

“He called her ‘his friend.'”

“We’re all in our early 40s. She died recently – aneurysm.”

“I’ve been with him 10 years now, but he’d known her for 20+.”

“The way he tells it: They were friends in college, decided to date, got married, then realized they weren’t a great couple and decided to just be friends.”

“All that happened years before I met him.”

“He was clear early on that she was ‘important.'”

“A couple of months into dating, it came up that his friend was actually his ex-wife.”

“He explained the above to me, saying she was one of his closest friends and that it was purely platonic.”

“I expressed some discomfort at him being so close to an ex, and he told me…”

“‘That’s fine. If you have a serious issue with it, let me know now and save us some time. I’ll choose her.'”

“‘I like you and all, but I’ve known her for over 12 years, and she’s one of the most important people in my life.'”

“‘You’ll have to be ok with that if you want us to be a thing.'”

“When we were engaged I asked again.”

“He gave me this perplexed look and asked ‘Why would us getting married affect my friendships?'”

“I sucked it up and went along.”

“I resented every moment of knowing her, especially when we had to be social.”

“She understood some part of him I couldn’t.”

“Her husband was friends with mine as well, so it’s not like I could use him as an angle.”

“He’d have lunch with the ex, they’d go to their geeky movies, and whatever.”

“The few times I brought it up he said ‘We had this conversation before. You had your chance to back out.'”

“She died after they had lunch the other day on the way to her car.”

“He spent a bunch of time crying, but honestly I was relieved.”

“He was working with her husband on funeral planning.”

“I told him ‘You don’t think you’re going, do you?'”

“My argument, summed up: She’s dead, so she’s not a factor anymore.”

“He doesn’t get to use his ‘she’s my friend’ excuse since she doesn’t exist anymore.”

“He had his cry for a couple of days, he gets to be done with mourning her already.”

“There’s no need for him to go to her funeral since I wouldn’t want her at his.”

“He was the angriest I’ve ever seen him when I told him that, replying that he’ll be going no matter how I feel.”

“And that he’s ‘willing to burn this to the f**king ground’ while holding up his wedding band.”

“Besides you, she was the closest friend in my life.'”

“Him, her husband, and my sisters are calling me an insensitive a**hole over this.”

“All saying that there was no romantic aspect to their relationship and that I’m heartless.”

“Her husband went so far as calling me a ‘ghoul’ for how I’ve reacted.”

“I never felt their relationship was appropriate, and I hid that for years because I wanted to be with my husband.”

“Now that she’s gone, I don’t feel I should have to hide it anymore and can speak freely.”

“AITA for just wanting him to be done with her, and for him to not attend the funeral?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.

“YTA. When he divorces you, he probably won’t have to explain his friendship with you to the next woman because, seriously… who’d want to stay friends with a woman who had treated you like this?” ~ LadyCass79

“Seriously. I kept shaking my head while reading this thinking it couldn’t get any worse but… OP still managed to dig deeper.”

“How can you be so stone cold (she basically said ‘yeah, hubby had time to cry for a few days, that’s enough, he should move on and forget about her already’) and still ask whether you really are TA?”

“Yes, OP, YTA. Big time. YTA.”  ~ lazyfoxheart

“Best comment here so far. OP is very YTA.”

“If it bothered her so much she should not have married him.”

“He was upfront about it.”

“If she had any class, she could have just not said anything, gave her condolences, and be done with it.”

“But she had to show off her ghoul face to everyone in mourning.”

“What kind of monster is ‘relieved’ that her husband’s friend DIED.”

“Way to show your true colors, somewhere in the middle of snot green and pure black.”

“OP should get some therapy and go look for a heart with Dorothy.”  ~ OldKing7199

“YTA – You were explicitly told that he would never stop being friends with her.”

“If you think she’s gone from your life, think again.”

“He will be grieving and missing his close friend of 20 years, and when you tell him to ‘just get over it,’ I hope he does – by moving on to find a partner that is caring and understanding.” ~ KaijuAlert

“I can’t even believe this is real.”

“I can’t imagine not supporting my husband grieving a lifelong friend.”

“To say “she no longer exists?'”

“Just absolutely cruel.”

“This marriage was doomed from the start, poor guy just didn’t know it yet.”

“YTA BIG TIME!!” ~ Disney_Mom_of_Uno

“The man was very honest when he told her that she’s going to be his close friend no matter what.”

“Then OP chose to agree with the hope she will change his mind.”

“A very close friend of his passed and you want to keep him from saying goodbye to her, which makes YTA.”  ~ Nifadaki

“Seriously! Wow YTA! Pretty cold one too.”

“If it were another friend or family member would you tell him he shouldn’t go because they’re dead, so they no longer have a relationship?”

“You knew from the beginning and throughout the relationship that she was important to him, and YOU accepted it and moved forward.”

“He gave you an out early on.”

“You knew his feelings on the matter, now you get to live with your decision.”

“If you keep this up, even with her being gone he may still choose her and leave, mainly because you have shown you have little regard for his feelings.”

“If you were a good partner, you’d support him during this time, and go with him.”

“If you can’t do that, then let him grieve in peace.”

“Honestly the only reason you ‘hated’ her was that she was his ex.”

“You’re just jealous and petty.” ~ trvllvr

“Let’s not forget that he flat out told OP he wouldn’t accept an ultimatum and would choose the friend if so.”

“He gave her an out then.”

“He gave her an out when they got engaged.”

“OP, you manipulated your husband into marrying you because you knew your relationship wouldn’t exist otherwise. YTA.”  ~ NotAlwaysUhB

“Huge YTA.”

“Not because you didn’t like her.”

“You’re the AH because he is grieving the loss of someone important to him and you’re trying to invalidate his feelings.”  ~ mdthomas

“Agree. If this is real.”

“YTA I struggle to see how ANYONE could sit down, write this, and not realize what a horrible human being they are.”

“But just to recap…”

“Early in your relationship you were told of this close friendship, and YOU were dishonest about your feelings by omission.”

“Your H gave you the option of walking away if YOU were uncomfortable.”

“You chose not to (anything to get that ring right) but have selfishly and miserably lived with resentment ever since.”

“You ‘sucked it up and went along’ but didn’t really, languishing in your own insecurity and trying to manipulate and control your H.”

“The woman has died.”

“She wasn’t a threat in life and certainly isn’t in death.”

“But your own admission – you never supported the friendship and ‘hid it for years’ shows how deceitful you are.”

“YOU pretended to accept something you didn’t.”

“The best gift of friendship this woman could give your H in her death is exposing what a nasty piece of work you are. Job done.”

“You’ve done your H, yourself, and your relationship a disservice for years.”

“And now because you can’t control your hate, you’re going to see the consequences.”

“Happy divorce.” ~ OkBoss3435

“This is the most monstrous take I’ve seen on this sub in a while, and this is AITA, so that’s really saying something.”

“I don’t even know why you’re here asking, because everyone in your life has already told you what you’ll hear here.”

“The lack of compassion you’ve shown in your post honestly makes me wonder how you’ve managed to hoodwink your husband to ever think you’re a decent person.”

“YTA, and I don’t think you should be surprised if your husband goes to that funeral and doesn’t come back.”  ~ Tralfamadorians_go

Well OP, Reddit is clear in its thoughts.

You may want to sit down with your husband and a therapist and hash all of this out before things get worse.

Good luck.