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Guy Perplexed After He’s Called Out For Hiring A Stripper For Asexual Brother’s Bachelor Party

Nina Marsiglio / EyeEm via Getty Images

The boundaries around different types of sexualities can be unclear and fuzzy, and require lots and lots of communication.  Otherwise, one could find themselves in a really uncomfortable situation and be either the receptor of it or the cause of it, unknowingly.

Redditor throwaway88888881967 found himself facing this when it came to his asexual brother, for whom he tried to throw a “proper” bachelor party.  When the stripper came out, things got extremely uncomfortable.

After being harshly rebuked and distanced from his brother for this act, our original poster, or OP, went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” to get feedback from objective strangers:

“AITA for throwing my asexual brother a proper bachelor party?”

OP and his brother were close–emphasis on WERE–before this incident took place.

“I’ll preface this by saying my brother (26m[ale]) and I (29m) are super close. And he is about to get married to his lovely girlfriend of 5 years.”

“He has been an out asexual for 2 of those years and she’s been supportive of that. So have I, love who you love and all that. I’m an ally.”

“I am the best man at his wedding, or I was the best man at his wedding. His fiancée told me last night that I’m out of the wedding party now and that my brother was too uncomfortable to make that choice himself (that’s weird if you ask me, be a man and come to me yourself, but whatever) I asked her why and she said it was because I didn’t respect him.”

“When pressing further she said it was because he’s asexual. But I have been nothing but supportive of his life choices. Nobody asked him to have sex with anybody.”

But the definition of asexuality seemed to have bypassed OP in this moment:

“I was in charge of his bachelor party and I threw him a f**king amazing party. There was booze and games, and all the sh*t you’d expect. But problem was, apparently he is rejecting the standard Bachelor party stuff.”

“And that would’ve been fine but he never told me he wanted anything different. So around the halfway point of the party, I’d ordered a stripper to come in and give my brother a lap dance.”

“And she came in and he was immediately really weird and tried to like, push her onto someone else. And I tried to encourage him that it was cool and not cheating or anything but he was pissed, called his fiancée, and after about ten minutes left the venue early.”

“I tried to confront him about it outside but he told me that he’d ‘talk to me when he had cooled off’ and he got in his car and left.”

“But he never talked to me about it, and his fiancée did to tell me I was out of the best man slot. Should I even go to the wedding? Am I a bad brother? AITA?”

Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
  • NAH – No A**holes Here

Redditors were on OP’s brother’s side–unfortunately for OP.

“You basically ordered a steak for a vegetarian and then didn’t understand why they didn’t like the smell.”

“You’re not an ally, clearly. Take some time to do some reading up on that. It sounds like you threw the party you would want, not the one he would want, so that makes you a jerk brother, too.”

“Do you know if he was out to everyone at the party? Or did you also just out him as well? YTA”-YakingB

“Asexual here, and I agree that YTA, not an ally, and a jerk brother all around. Did you ever even educate yourself on asexuality and how he identifies as asexual?”

“Did you ever bother to learn about what makes him uncomfortable? Do you even know if he’s out to others, or did you just out him to a lot of people with this?”

“Better yet, as his brother, did you ever even bother to learn what he likes enough to know what he would want at a party?”

“Or did you just throw the party YOU wanted, because you couldn’t be bothered to ask what he would like? You assumed a hell of a lot, and made a hell of an ass of yourself in the process.”-KnightOwl224

“Absolutely the easiest YTA I’ve read in a while – I knew as soon as I read the title it was going to be this.”

“You even tried to bury it a little – ‘apparently he is rejecting the standard Bachelor party stuff’ and then you go on to mention the stripper.”

“It’s the easiest thing in the world to know not to order a stripper for an asexual person unless they’ve specifically said to order one. You knew, you just didn’t care because you wanted a stripper and apparently your wants and needs are all that matter.”

“Also, the cheek of ‘my brother was too uncomfortable to make that choice himself (that’s weird if you ask me, be a man and come to me yourself, but whatever).'” 

“Like you clearly disrespected him, and his partner is good enough to speak to you about it so he doesn’t have to do it just before his wedding and you’re like ‘urgggh I’m going to call you less than a man because I deliberately hurt your feelings.'”

“I’d be surprised if your brother is ever your friend again and who could blame him?”-haleorshine

“YTA. Even if he WASN’T asexual, if he didn’t seem like he’d be into a stripper you’d be TA.”

“Once he made it clear he WASN’T comfortable and you kept pushing, you became mega TA. You say you’re supportive, but this choice of yours says anything but.”-EwokCafe

People noted that OP was completely disrespectful of his brother, almost as if he wasn’t even there.

“Asexual or not this is out of order. Ethics of stripping aside, I find the idea of being in public and subjected to something like that incredibly embarrassing.”

“So much that I told my brother in no uncertain terms that it would ruin the night if he got me a stripper. YTA”-ChipperYates

“YTA. You didn’t respect the fact that he is asexual, or consider what he would want for his bachelor party (because did it even occur to you to ask him???).”

“He has every right to be mad at you and to feel disrespected.”

“You’re not an ally if you’re pushing your ace brother to accept a lap dance, especially if you’re still insisting after he made it clear he isn’t comfortable with it.”-CrazyBoPeep

“YTA for trying to push him into enjoying—or pretending to enjoy—an inherently sexual experience when you supposedly understand and respect that he does not want sexual experiences.”

“Also? Sex work isn’t something you should need to be told the guest of honor doesn’t want at a party; that’s strictly an opt-in kind of deal.”-MollyRolls

“YTA. From calling that a ‘proper’ bachelor party in the title, you were TA.”

“Later in your post you referred to it as the ‘standard’ Bachelor party stuff, which makes more sense and is more respectable a term.”

“But you calling it a ‘proper’ bachelor party knowing full well your brother’s asexually invalidates him, his feelings, his identity, and the party you threw for him.”

“You threw him a party for you, not for him. I’d have booted you from the best man position too.”-PaladiinDM

And people are really bringing to light the distinction between support for OP’s brother’s asexuality, and distance from it.

“YTA. You claim to be ‘nothing but supportive,’ but you’re being the exact opposite throughout this entire post. You’re being dismissive of his sexuality. You’re saying that it doesn’t matter.”

“Try turning that around, and saying that your sexuality doesn’t matter. So it’s fine for you to have a surprise male stripper at your bachelor party.”

“Fine for him to come and give you a lap dance. Weird if you try to push him away. Fine if everyone tells you that it’s cool and not cheating or anything.”

“Annoyed if you are anything but happy and excited to have your boundaries violated.”

“You payed for someone to perform an unwanted sexual act on your brother, and you expect him to ‘be a man, come to you himself.'”

“Yeah, like all assault victims should just talk it out, man-to-man, with the person who payed for them to be attacked.”-Dioptre_8

“YTA. ‘Be a man’ yourself, to put it in your own words. You threw a party which you would have liked to have yourself.”

“There was no need to tell you that your brother won’t like strippers – he is asexual, you could have figured out by yourself that this won’t be a party he would liked to have.”

“Honestly, you don’t seem to be ‘super close’ if you need to ask here on Reddit whether you’re the AH.”-NotFromAustralia2

“YTA. Why didn’t you ask him what he wanted to do for the party? Why didn’t you talk to him beforehand?”

“You know he’s not a ‘traditional’ person, so why did you think a ‘traditional’ bachelor part would be a good idea?”

“All of this should have been planned and approved by him well before the party night. This mess up is on you dude.”

“You did not pick something that your own brother would like. That makes you the AH. You owe him a massive apology, and accept that you’re out of the wedding party.”-crazycatleslie

“YTA clearly you need to educate yourself better and respect his boundaries. Apologize to him you see nothing wrong because you are not an asexual person.”

“Even if he wasn’t what if he just doesn’t like being touched by people much less strangers. This was 100 percent about you enjoying yourself and not him.”

“You should have asked what he wanted in the first place. Since this should have been about him but you made it about you.”-ChimiJae123

OP has a lot to apologize for, and a lot to talk about with his brother.

Hopefully that happens sooner rather than later.


Written by Mike Walsh

Mike is a writer, dancer, actor, and singer who recently graduated with his MFA from Columbia University. Mike's daily ambitions are to meet new dogs and make new puns on a daily basis. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mikerowavables.