A living situation with roommates can be really stressful.
It’s always a gamble that you’ve made the right choice in choosing who to share your space and your life with.
And sometimes everyone becomes lifelong besties and other times… it’s hell on Earth.
Case in point…
Redditor PipeDistributor704 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA For Not Putting Up With My On-The-Spectrum Roommate’s Bullsh*t?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m (21M[ale]) a college student and I live with 3 other guys in a nice apartment.”
“They were all random roommates and 2 of them are awesome.”
“They’re both a year older than me and they’re clean, respectful, quiet and just all around good guys.”
“The 3 of us get along really well and have become decent friends.”
“They’re a little more introverted but we all try to mingle in each others hobbies.”
“I take them to my fraternity’s parties, and they invite me to play super smash bro’s and show me how discord and PC gaming works.”
“They’re kind of ‘nerdy’ but honestly I think they’re the coolest dudes.”
“Here’s where our 4th roommate comes in.”
“He’s 25 and he’s on the spectrum, which he’s told us before.”
“We’ve all always been really respectful about it but in the last couple months he’s become pretty unbearable.”
“He’s completely functional and knows how he should be acting at his age, again he’s 25 and we’re all 21-22, yet he feels that because of his condition he’s excused from basic human decency.”
“I’ve met his parents and it’s pretty clear why he acts like this because they coddle him, a lot.”
“For example, he cooks a lot of food and never cleans it, and when we politely ask him to he (every. single. time.) refuses to accept that the dishes are his.”
“Along with this he says really crude and gross things about women, and always wants to talk about his bathroom use or pleasuring himself.”
“It’s gotten to the point where the 3 of us kind of just ignore him.”
“I sort of feel bad, but none of us know what to do.”
“Oh and he also tries to kidnap my cat regularly because he thinks my cat likes him when in reality my cat just likes the crumbs all around his room.”
“Multiple times I’ve had panic attacks looking for my cat just to find out he went into my closed room and took him.”
“So are me and my other roommates the a**holes or does somebody just need to teach this guy basic roommate etiquette?”
“And trust me, we have tried. Many times.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NTA… because you guys have been really patient with him.”
“His upbringing could be a factor, but there’s just some people that shouldn’t live with roommates and unfortunately he’s one of them.”
“Combine that with being crude, it’s understandable why you’re annoyed.”
“Maybe staging a mini-intervention could be beneficial.”
“Sorry that you have to deal with that!”
“I think the only thing you can do is wait it out until his lease expires.”
“And it’s sad that he doesn’t seem to care that other people have to put up with his bad behavior.”
“Definitely hide the cat just before he leaves though, just in case.” ~ kaitlinmarshall07
“NTA. Autistic here, I get big mad when I hear people using their autism to justify sh**ty behavior.”
“Autistics tend to have difficulty understanding social norms sure, but it’s not like we’re incapable of knowing what social rules we need to follow.”
“Most of us with lower support needs figure out how to navigate society just fine (tho usually with a fair amount of frustration on our end haha).”
“People like him are why there’s such a stigma around autism.”
“He sounds like a spoilt sexist child.” ~ MrsEllanious
“Fellow autistic person with an autistic kid, this is correct.”
“I have trouble with empathy and social norms, but I’m very good with protocol and day to day ‘normal’ routines.”
“My kid is high functioning and has great emotional intelligence, better than my own at least, but struggles with day to day sensitivity.”
“She is working on learning how to do laundry and use the dishwasher correctly at the moment.”
“Not as masking behaviors, she really couldn’t care, but because she’s afraid if she stays messy she’ll get bugs when she’s older and I’m not around.”
“Her motivation is different, but she’s fully aware that this is a necessary part of life.”
“You can’t infringe on others spaces and blame your bad habits on being autistic.” ~ AgreeableDuckling
“I’m autistic too, and while I have days where I go mute because everything gets too much but I always know how to act and know what’s acceptable even then.”
“I have a friend who is also autistic and him and his mum use the autism card to get out of everything so he can get away with anything and everything.”
“It’s honestly sad and frustrating when people like OP’s roommates use autism as a get out of jail free card.”
“And then in turn give autistic people a bad name based on their behaviour and the experience they give to the people around them.”
“Also OP I’d definitely keep a close eye on your cat when it comes to him moving out.”
“He sounds like the kind of person to say it’s his cat now as it likes him more and that he’s taking it with him .”
“Or to just leave with it and if that doesn’t work/play the I’m autistic you have to bend to my will.”
“And possibly call his mother to get involved.”
“I suggest the week he leaves and for a week after he leaves to take the cat to a family member’s house just keep the kitty safe and stress free.” ~ theblackwolf6
“That’s the tack I’ve always taken with my daughter’s autism.”
“I agree, OP is NTA. If your roommate were younger Id be giving him a minor pass too (like if he was 18 and just going out into the world).”
“But he’s 25, and he is going to end up fired or not able to sustain an adult relationship if he keeps going like this.”
“But his parents are bigger AH’s in my opinion because they’ve nurtured this helplessness.” ~ Noinix
“NTA at all.”
“As someone who’s autistic i absolutely despise people like this.”
“We deserve to be held accountable and to take accountability as much as someone ‘normal.'”
“I hope you and your roommates are holding up okay!” ~ sakiiii_ln
“NTA, if the anti-social behaviour continues (taking and hiding your cat, gaslighting etc).”
“And it is caused by their being on the spectrum it strongly suggests they need to be in care, not living with room mates – it isn’t your responsibility to care for this person.” ~ Usual-Worry8412
“NTA. He’s using his diagnosis.”
“None of his behaviors are ok or to be tolerated.”
:Sure that some of it could be a result of the diagnosis if they happened once or twice but repeatedly doing this after being told off is just rude and spoilt.”
“Him telling you about his masturbation is even sexual harassment.”
“Him stealing your cat is theft.”
“None of it is ok and you should not have to put up with it.” ~ raodek
“NTA… and I’d suggest you guys look for a different 4th roommate and give him a heads up that you won’t be renewing the lease with him when it’s up.”
“Living together can be hard and the issue here is not his autism.”
“It’s his lack of roommate etiquette.”
“Also his comments about women are unacceptable and an absolute deal breaker.” ~ fionaoranger
“NTA – on the spectrum isn’t an excuse to be an AH.”
“He may not naturally pick up on social cues.”
“But if he’s living independently he should be more than capable of understanding and following basic rules… like: clean up after you cook, or don’t steal other people’s pets!”
“I’d sit him down and make the roommate expectations crystal clear – tell him if he wants to continue to live with you, he needs to follow the house rules.” ~ beeeeeebee
“Good on you for being patient but also addressing the problems head-on in a mature way.”
“We need more decent dudes like you and your good roommates! NTA at all.”
I”’m also on the spectrum and like others have said, autism is not an excuse.”
“I am rubbish at doing dishes – but a lot of people are.”
“Personally I choose to live only in places with a machine to take care of those!”
“Tip: a dishwasher can save a lot of drama even with neurotypical messy roommates.”
“Start a countdown and try to let the non pet-related issues go for the time you’ve got left.”
“Sounds like you’ve got a nice little crew so when picking a new roommate, have in mind the qualities you want and set behaviour expectations from the start.”
“No guarantees obviously, but if everyone agrees up front, it’s more likely to go smoothly.”
“I think when you have someone moving into your established group, they’ll be more likely to follow the guidelines too.”
“Good luck!!” ~ niquevdk
OP came back with a few deets…
“We did try a mini intervention but he didn’t take it seriously because yeah, his parents have always enabled this behavior so he won’t listen to us.”
“It sucks. Thank you everyone for the kind words.”
“His lease is up in August so it’s not the end of the world just wanted to make sure I’m not crazy!”
“Also I will definitely be hiding my cat on move out day lol.”
Well OP it sounds like you’re doing all you can at the moment.
Hopefully this will all end peacefully.
And yes, make sure you have a plan for kitty.