Grief is incredibly complicated and can be presented in all kinds of unusual ways.
But grief does not make inappropriate behavior any less inappropriate, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor New_Painting_9419 was tired of seeing their boyfriend spoon-feed his teen sister meals and didn’t want to have to witness it.
But when they would not stop doing it in front of them, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they were asking too much of their boyfriend.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for asking my boyfriend to stop spoon-feeding his sister while I’m around?”
The OP was uncomfortable seeing their boyfriend feeding their sister.
“I have been with my boyfriend (25 Male) for 2 years, and I recently asked him to stop spoon-feeding his sister (17 Female) while I’m with them.”
“She is fully capable of feeding herself, and I feel uncomfortable when he is feeding her.”
“He claims that it makes her happy and he sees her still as his baby sister.”
“That would be understandable, but he doesn’t really do things like that with me. When she rejects his affection, he comes to me for affection.”
The OP decided enough was enough after a recent meal.
“It happened again tonight after we talked about it, and he claims that he didn’t really mean to do it.”
“The week before this, he fed her almost an entire meal. This time, it was spoonfuls of what they were sharing on a plate.”
“He said that it’s because since their mother died recently that he feels a stronger urge to baby her and to protect her and to make sure that she’s okay and happy.”
“However, to me, it seemed more like he disregarded what we discussed before.”
The OP felt the need to set a new boundary.
“I told them that they can do it while I am not with them but just while I am there that they refrain from doing so.”
“Is this something that I should learn to deal with and let go of it?”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were thoroughly grossed out by the boyfriend’s behavior.
“I kept waiting to get to the part where the sister has a disability. I even reread it thinking I missed it somehow. Nope. Just a dude being creepy as f**k.”
“NTA, OP. He definitely needs therapy. They both do probably, but SEPARATELY. He’s crossing some major boundaries here.” – MonOubliette
“Feeding each other morsels of food is an intrinsic part of flirting, especially as a component of dinner dates.”
“It may lessen or disappear over time in long-term relationships, but it’s normal and a very common aspect of tension building and the beginnings of intimacy in the first few dates.” – Sinvisigoth
“NTA.”
“I’m getting weird vibes. Either he’s into his sister, into children, or has a weird fetish. Either way, it’s disturbing, and I’d be uncomfortable too.”
“Yikes.” – The_mad_Inari
“NTA.”
“Run away. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with their unhealthy codependency and weird behavior?”
“She’s 17 and not disabled.” – StrangledInMoonlight
“This sounds super weird and gross. please consider breaking up. I’m not saying this lightly.”
“This situation they have going on will not get better. They will still do that years later, since they are already adults.” – OwletMall
“I really thought it was just offering an occasional bite and I do this sometimes too, but a whole f**king meal? Apparently, they do this in restaurants too, so yeah,”
“But it’s weird as f**k that he claims ‘he didn’t really mean to do it’ and kind of creepy that ‘when she rejects his affection like hugs he comes to me for affection.’ Yikes.” – SeldomSeenMe
“You’re uncomfortable because what your boyfriend is doing is super weird. She’s not a baby. She’s not developmentally disabled. It seems as if this type of feeding has been going on for a long time and has escalated in frequency since their mother’s death.”
“They both need help. It’s not normal. It’s not cute. It’s weird as f**k.” – SnooBananas7203
Others were disturbed by the boyfriend seeking attention from his sister before his girlfriend.
“My ex-husband didn’t give me any affection or very little. I tried to get this need from him and when he rejected me, I would cuddle with my dog instead.”
“The problem here is he is trying to get that need met by his sister and then getting from you as a second choice. You’re not the first and main choice here, you’re a second option. Don’t put yourself through that.” – DumbThingsISay
“So he’s basically using you as a substitute for his sister when she won’t be affectionate with him? This is so inappropriate I’m getting major ‘Flowers in the Attic’ vibes.” – TA1222278
“Why even share a plate? And below you said they share utensils. On its own, no big deal, but with the feeding…”
“Now the affection thing is just straight f**ked. Sibling love and romantic love are getting confused. I would be outta there. The man needs therapy.” – GobsOfficeMagic
“I haven’t seen anyone mention age regression as a coping mechanism for stress or trauma. I don’t know too much about it, but I wonder if something like that is happening here?”
“Either way, OP is NTA, I would also feel awkward, brother and sister may need some therapy.” – Adept_Material_2618
“This gives me the heebie-jeebies. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years and usually if I’m offering him a bite while cooking or of a different dish at a restaurant, I just hand him the fork because it’s easier.”
“He has 3 younger siblings and I’ve never seen him feed them. I’m currently 35 years old and can probably count on my fingers the instances where anyone has tried to feed me since I got out of elementary school.”
“But the whole ‘when she rejects his affection like hugs he comes to me for affection’ just sent me to a whole other dimension.” – horriblegoose_
“NTA. Your boyfriend’s behavior as you describe it is consistent with a sexual fetish. I might have had (small) doubts except you write that when his sister denies him, he will turn to you to get these needs met.”
“You should trust your gut feeling. That this behavior is occurring between siblings ups the skeeviness factor, but most disturbing to me is the age difference between your boyfriend and his sister.”
“These interactions started back when she was in no strong position to repel his attentions. He reached puberty when she was still a toddler. His sister is still technically a minor by the way.”
“You are not an a**hole for asking him to stop doing this around you. But I don’t think you should stay with this man. I think you should try to determine if his sister is safe, get her help if she is not, and then RUN FAR AWAY.” – Few_Economics_2803
“NTA.”
“There is a vast difference between ‘babying’ a sibling in the sense of offering them extra affection as an older sibling, especially during a rough time (e.g. my teenaged nieces totally baby their preschool- and young school-aged siblings with snuggles), and INFANTILISING a sibling, which is what your BF is doing, and which is incredibly psychologically unhealthy and DEEPLY INAPPROPRIATE.”
“Your boyfriend isn’t ‘babying’ his sister; he’s not giving her extra hugs because she’s grieving. He’s encouraging her to BEHAVE IN A PSYCHOLOGICALLY REGRESSED MANNER, to actually behave LIKE AN INFANT, and it’s not only inappropriate, it’s really super unhealthy for her.”
“Do not tell him that it’s okay to do when you’re not there. If you care about either of them, tell him that he’s harming her by doing this at all. That this has nothing to do with her being his ‘baby sister.'”
“She will be his baby sister their whole life, but she is NOT A BABY, and she must learn to cope with her grief, not become helpless. She needs grief therapy, not a brother who spoon-feeds her like an infant.”
“Jesus F**king Ch**st, she’s going to end up really messed up if he keeps doing this. You are NTA, but please encourage him to get her into therapy.” – FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Some were disturbed to hear about a dynamic like this outside of television.
“Was anyone else immediately reminded of the episode of ‘Friends’ when Rachel goes on a date with her neighbor Danny and he’s uncomfortably close with his sister? Tickling and chasing each other around and stuff? For anyone who hasn’t, the best way to describe it is ‘icky.'”
“That was television. Two healthy adult siblings spoon-feeding each other is real life. And it would 100% make most people uncomfortable.”
“OP didn’t ask her brother to stop or fix the behavior, just be mindful of doing it when she is around because it makes her uncomfortable. This seems like a reasonable way to approach the situation. She’s only brought up how it affects her, no more, no less.”
“I don’t think that necessarily means she doesn’t understand or empathize with his grief. NTA for trying to point out a behavior that makes you uncomfortable.” – fallingfaster345
“I thought of ‘The Office’ episode where Erin and her foster brother were creepy affectionate with each other.” – Academic_Doughnut164
“Reminds me of the episode of ‘Friends’ when Rachel is dating Danny and he has is sister over and she’s breaking up with him, starts reconsidering until she finds out they’re about to have a bath together.”
“NTA. This is mad creepy, I have a brother I would stab him with the fork in the hand before allowing this.” – WelcomeOblivion45
“Please tell me this is a made-up story.”
“Sometimes you need some external source to tell you what you aren’t sure, and we’re here for it: this is not normal.”
“If this is a true post, please send it to him. Whatever it is that this guy gives you that makes you think it’s worth this weirdness, it’s not. NTA.” – Alternative-Ask2235
While the subReddit didn’t think the OP was doing anything wrong by setting a boundary, they were really surprised that they were putting up with this behavior at all. Whether or not it was sexual in nature, it was still creepy and infantilizing to learn about, let alone to witness in-person on a regular basis.