Meet Redditor Fresh_Ad_7431, a 31-year-old woman facing a family dilemma that unfolded on the "Am I The A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Her half-sister Ellen's husband, Tom, confessed to having a crush on her, leading to a series of events.
Now, the Original Poster (OP) is questioning whether she was wrong for spilling the beans to her dad.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my dad the real reason my half sister won't be in the same room with me?"
She went on to explain:
"I [31-year-old female] have a half sister, 'Ellen' [34-year-old female]. Same dad, different moms, no I'm not the result of an affair."
"Ellen and I are not close, and never have been, we only saw each other at family get togethers. Ellen has a husband 'Tom' (34)."
"Tom is a nice guy, and when she introduced him to the family, he and my husband hit it off, and my husband ended up hiring Tom to work for him."
"Tom and Ellen got married and had a baby, and during this time they started having problems. I didn't hear this from Ellen, but from my dad, and from my husband, who was told by Tom."
"Tom then started staying really late at work and then progressed to coming over to our house often for drinks with my husband, and by extension, me."
"He became a regular visitor to our house, and began unloading his problems."
"This went on for about 8 months until one evening Tom was quite tipsy and admitted he'd developed 'a crush' on me."
"Understandably, this meant he didn't come back to our house (he has profusely apologised for this and we're fine now, but obviously I just prefer some distance)."
"I guess that whole thing was a wake up call for him because he and Ellen started going to counseling."
"During the counseling, he told her about what had happened, because Ellen called me and screamed at me for the whole situation."
"She said she and Tom would never be in the same room with me again after 'what I'd done'."
"She made excuses for not coming to family gatherings I was at for a while before my dad confronted her and she said she and I had fallen out and weren't speaking."
"I went along with this because I didn't want to tell my dad the truth either. It has been over a year of this."
"But this all came to a head over my dad inviting both of us and our families to NYE and getting mad that Ellen wouldn't come if I was going."
"He started ranting at me that we needed to grow up and make peace and if we didn't want to talk to each other fine but not being able to be in the same room was nuts."
"I got sick of being berated and said I agree but it wasn't me who started it. My dad then demanded to know what the fight was about and wouldn't let up. Eventually I just told him."
"He's furious. He called Ellen and yelled at her, he called my husband and yelled at him."
"He is seething that no one told him and that he has been acting like things are fine with Tom this whole time."
"Ellen is furious with me for telling Dad, saying I did this on purpose and have ruined things with Tom after she'd worked so hard to fix them."
"I feel bad for the results, but I also feel like carrying the burden of this rift that I didn't cause was unfair on me in the first place."
"I kept quiet when I didn't have to, but once I was getting heat over it it just became too much."
"AITA for spilling?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA. Does Ellen know the full truth or just what Tom told her? Because she's angry at you for existing as you've had no part in anything Tom has done."
"Has she had insecurities with you before? It just seems like such an overreaction towards you for something you had no part in." - RocketteP
"Tom has agency over his relationship with Ellen, and how he acts on his unreciprocated feelings toward you."
"Ellen has agency over her relationship with Tom, and how she chooses to process his emotional infidelity."
"You have no agency in this situation, given that you just happened to exist as yourself and Tom developed one-directional feelings while being estranged from Ellen."
"Her blaming you for the situation is nothing more than displacement of her own anger at Tom and insecurity in her relationship with him."
"She has nothing to be mad at you for, only Tom holds that burden for his emotions and her for whatever part she had to play in their early estrangement."
"NTA" - Encartrus
"NTA, your sister made the problem about you, lied to your dad about what the problem was, and caused the rift in the family over her own insecurity."
"You did the right thing in all of this, and you shouldn't have to take the heat for being the adult in the room." - MidwestPanic69
Wait... so Tom had crush you and your sister yelled at you? Blamed you? Go NC with her pls. And Tom is the actual AH here."
"NTA" - Jhilixie
"I don't think you were under any obligation to carry this burden quietly."
"You didn't do anything wrong."
"Who knows what she's been saying?"
"NTA" - PotentialLeather8734
"NTA about this particular thing. But I think you should have done you sister a solid and sent Tom home when he started socializing frequently at your house."
"Not because of the 'crush' but because presumably she was at home with the baby all the time." - barkbarkkrabkrab
"NTA, you didn't do anything. She's weird for blaming you but working things out with her husband." - Coyolxauhqui13
"NTA for spilling but YTA for allowing him to come over for eight months while your sister was home with a new born baby. Do you know how difficult it is in those first few months?"
"Couple that with post partum and martial issues. None of that is you're fault but I think you guys enabled him and are now focusing on the wrong part of this."
"It's not really about the crush but more about the fact that you allowed her husband to 'escape' and drink in your home without so much of a heads up."
"She feels betrayed. It feels a little weird that you could show compassion to her husband but not her." - Parking-Bee-191
"YTA, but not for him hitting on you."
"If your sisters husband, so your brother in law, was coming over for quite some time sharing all his marital problems…"
"…thats putting you in the middle and crossing a line while also not supporting your sister and taking sides by association."
"You and your husband should have put an end to it long before he was spending all those days after work at your house hanging out and drinking with her husband …"
"…who is leaving your sister and her newborn baby at home." - letsmakekindnesscool
"ESH."
"Apparently this is an unpopular take but why didn't either you or your husband put a stop to these visits that were basically just Tom drinking and b*tching about his wife…"
"…while she was alone home with the newborn? That went on for months? While she took care of the baby alone?"
"Yeah if I found out my partner's late nights at work were actually spent sh*t talking me to my sister and her fiancé I would be furious at everyone involved."
"Tom's crush isn't your fault at all, but being mad that you and your husband knowingly left her in the dark on Tom lying about having to work late…"
"…when he had a baby at home is pretty valid." - First-Entertainer850
"NTA"
"It's awful that you are being blamed by your sister for her husband's emotional infidelity and inappropriate comment. You did nothing wrong."
"This is just another example of s*t shaming where men are never blamed for their reactions because obviously, the woman must have tempted him somehow."
"But I am confused why you let this go on for so long without saying anything. Why didn't you immediately tell your sister what Tom had said, instead of keeping it quiet?"
"Why didn't you tell your father the truth a year ago, instead of playing along that you had fallen out?"
"You're not an AH, but your silence hasn't helped you in any part of this. The only person you protected was Tom, and to a lesser extent, Ellen."
"In the future, I recommend you speak up immediately about anything like this. There's a difference between creating drama and telling the truth." - Cursd818
"ESH: Who is not an AH having their BIL over to drink all evening many nights when their S/SIL is home alone taking care of their first baby all day and night?"
"S/SIL is clearly upset for a good reason."
"OP and her husband are AH for the asking/inviting/tolerating BIL's coming over to drink hours many nights, thus avoiding a relationship with/responsibilities to his wife and their baby."
"BIL is an AH for coming over and avoiding his marital and parental duties. OP's father is an AH for somehow getting wrapped up in this as if it were his business."
"S/SIL has clearly been deceived by her husband and excluded by OP and her husband -- the least AH of the group here." - Oyster3425
Nothing simple about this one.
Let us know what you think in the comments below.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp