Grief can take many forms, particularly the loss of a child.
One Redditor turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Throwra0139- asked:
“AITAH for telling my husband to leave me alone while I was in the hospital?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I am female, 23, a student, and my husband is male, 30, an attorney. We’ve been married a year. We were not trying for a baby, but we do eventually want them.”
“So about a month and a half ago, I started having some symptoms that I chalked up to a UTI. Which I know sounds stupid now, but it was non-specific things like cramps and burning.”
“I waited about two weeks before crippling pain woke me up in the middle of the night and I decided I needed to drive myself to the ER. However, I couldn’t even drive it, it hurt so bad.”
“My husband took me, and turns out I was having an ectopic pregnancy and it ruptured. It was a very shocking experience… I hadn’t even known I was pregnant.”
“I had a surgery and ended up with sepsis? I was very groggy and in a lot of pain for the following days. I was in the hospital for about three and a half weeks. All of that to explain why I was even in the hospital.”
“As I mentioned, it was so shocking. I was so upset about losing a baby I wasn’t even trying for but would’ve loved so much, on top of just being in pain, and hating being in the hospital.”
“Never in my life have I struggled with or experienced anxiety, but I think I started having it while in the ICU. The doctors had prescribed me some medication that I could ask for, but my husband advised me not to (he’s weirdly anti medication for depression/anxiety things like that) so I never did.”
“However, one night I just had a particularly bad night and had so much anxiety and fear around everything. They had to remove one of my fallopian tubes, so I was just so upset that I might not ever have a baby again.”
“And I lost one. And I was in pain and everything.”
“My husband was at my side, but he wasn’t being very comforting, and the nurse came in because she said my heart rate was really up. She suggested the anxiety medication so I said yes.”
“My husband didn’t say anything until she gave it to me and left, but then he started to lecture me on how I don’t need more medication and I need to just work on ‘calming my breathing’ and ‘relaxing’. We bickered for truly an hour before I eventually just snapped and told him to leave alone.”
“He was so shocked and offended and left the hospital completely and didn’t come back until the next night and continued to be offended. He told me I should have never shut him out of that conversation, and I was so upset I just let him lecture me again.”
“That was some weeks ago, and he’s never brought it up again and seems not to care, but I’m still upset.”
“AITAH for doing that?”
The OP later added:
“He’s not usually controlling. I don’t even think he was trying to be super controlling; he is just very opinionated.”
“He’s very anti-medicine. He says all the time he’d rather have his body ‘work it out himself’ even when he has a cold or the flu.”
“I (stupidly) thought it was a UTI, so I figured I would let it try to go away on its own. I don’t really see a doctor, so I didn’t really have an option.”
“After about a week and a half, I couldn’t stand the pain, so I took over-the-counter stuff. Obviously, that did not help.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong (NTA).
“HE’S not a doctor and therefore gets no say in what medication you take. Women are often told to ‘suck it up’ WAY TOO MUCH already. His lack of support is awful. His lack of support is a sign of how he will be going forward.” ~ Kappybook916
“I’m wondering if OP was avoiding going to the doctor for the initial symptoms that felt to her like a UTI because the husband is so anti-medicine and anti-doctor. If OP had gone sooner, the repair for an ectopic pregnancy is pretty simple, and usually patients are able to go home within 24 hours of surgery.”
“But because medical care was delayed, the thing burst and caused sepsis (whole body infection) and she needs THREE WEEKS in the ICU – and the ICU means she was so medically fragile that ONE nurse was assigned to her for that nurse’s entire 12-hour shift.”
“One patient per nurse, usually along with an aide that’s assigned to 2 or 3 patients. You’re literally monitored 24 hours a day by a single nurse because you’re so sick you could crump at any moment.”
“Compare that to the regular medical floor where each nurse usually has 6 patients and no aide (or an aide that’s assigned to 15-20 patients).”
“The ICU is no joke, and this moron dude thinks he knows more than the ICU med staff.”
“So yeah, I place zero blame on OP for anything, but I do wonder if it was his opinions about avoiding medical care that caused the delay in seeking a doctor’s help in the first place.” ~ Magerimoje
“He needs to understand that he doesn’t get to make medical decisions for you. He was bullying you while you were trying to recover. For me this would be deal breaker territory.” ~ Bella-1999
“A ruptured tube causes MASSIVE blood loss. If she was in ICU, you can bet she was in bad shape, probably needed transfusions. Guess what low blood does? Causes anxiety and panic attacks (on top of all the other bad sh*t). What a douche. You can’t mind-over-matter a physiological response.” ~ DippityDu
“With all of that stress + the surgery + blood loss + sepsis + being in the ICU, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she was dealing with some ICU psychosis/ICU anxiety/post-intensive care syndrome.”
“I had never heard of any of those before I almost died of pneumonia + sepsis. Like thank f*ck for Ativan and Versed, because without those, I probably wouldn’t be here.”
“I needed Ativan for a couple weeks after I got out, until my body/mind readjusted to being home, that I wasn’t going to die, that no one was going to hurt me, etc…”
“Going through all of that without support? I want to give OP a hug.” ~ NikkiVicious
“Her body made a huge sacrifice to help her see the light about her husband. I hope she pays attention.” ~ Elesia
“NTA and I’m a little concerned about your ages. being in your early 20s with a 30+ year old man is one thing but he is clearly not there for you during a hard time (not being supportive or comforting, plus it’s also concerning that you even thought to drive yourself to the ER instead of having him drive you) and is trying to prevent you from having medication for anxiety during a very traumatic time.”
“Lecturing you while in you’re hospital bed and making things about him for multiple days is HORRIFYING. This is not how you should be treated, and unfortunately, this is very common in age gap relationships like this.”
“I’m 21 and I literally cannot imagine anything I’d have in common with a 30-year-old man. Please, please watch for red flags here, especially when they may pertain to him controlling you and your decisions (especially medical decisions that have NOTHING to do with him) and when it comes to being there for you during hard times.”
“Imagine if you do get pregnant and he tries to stop you from taking necessary medications for any reason, but especially for anxiety/depression, and god forbid you suffer from postpartum depression and he doesn’t want you to take medications for that.” ~ SwimmingCricket9346
“This is totally unacceptable! If it were me, I’d be gone. My thoughts are, what if the medication was life-saving and he’s saying no! I just can’t accept it.”
“I have no words of wisdom except don’t make him your medical proxy…ever! If you couldn’t answer for yourself you don’t want him making those decisions for you.” ~ Unique-Dot-5449
“NTA, ICU psychosis is a thing. Glad you finally listened. What he did was unkind and abusive…” ~ Objective_Attempt_14
“Clinical environments are inherently quite traumatising…”
“We don’t live in sterile environments at home for a reason, we like textures and comfort and creating little spaces to hibernate in.”
“Hospitals are very exposing, they’re noisy, even with the best nurses in the world—dealing with people when you’re sick is very overstimulating. It’s understandable your mental health began to waver.”
“He doesn’t like meds… well, without them, the scary reality you’re grappling with right now, is that you would’ve been dead two weeks ago… your body has been through a ton, getting some meds to calm you is okay.”
“Especially given your heart rate was up – the fact he then argued with you was irresponsible/dangerous.” ~ Which_Read7471
It seems the OP has some important things to consider.