Marriage is a place to unabashedly be yourself without judgement, right?
Redditor EclecticB*tch is grappling with this exact question herself.
The Original Poster (OP) recently posted on subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for burping in front of my husband?"
She went on to explain.
"I've [30-year-old female] known my husband [30-year-old male] since high school. Been married a year now, and today he tells me that he gets uncomfortable when I burp."
"When it's just us."
"I'm not a slob. I quietly burp and cover myself when in public, but my husband is my safe space, and felt like I could be myself and not worry about being judged or feeling uncomfortable."
"He says that I'm too comfortable around him. But aren't I supposed to feel comfortable around him?"
"I understand he feels uncomfortable, but I also can't help but feel hurt at the fact that it feels like I can't be my true self with him… I do say excuse me."
"It's in my nature to be polite, but of course, I've known this man for a long time and am now married to him…"
"Am I the a**hole for burping in front of my husband?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA. This husband, he never burps, farts... or picks his nose?"
"He's never thrown up? Drooled when he sleeps? These things happen to human bodies."
"I mean, if you're acting like a jacka** kid and swallowing air on purpose to emit high-decibel belches, stop! But the soda burp or beer burp is all part of life's effervescence." - Inner-Show-1172
"NTA. And if your SO is uncomfortable with a burp? Don't let him in the delivery room if you have babies."
"The stuff that comes out of our bodies during delivery will have him swooning with the vapors. Just saying." - reallynah75
"NTA. My wife and I have a vague rating system for her burps. If they are particularly loud and abrupt, I throw myself to the ground and pretend we're under attack."
"Tickles her something fierce."
"ETA:"
"This is my highest updated comment to date about reactions to a burp. I f*cking love it."
"My thanks to all of you, and my gratitude to the kind stranger who gave my comment this award. I am honoured." - Dizzy-Expression8868
"NTA. If he can't handle your burping, how will he handle it when you get sick or if you need to be cared for when you get older?"
"If you plan to have kids, how will he handle burping a baby? Or, god forbid, changing a diaper? He needs to grow up and realize body functions are just a part of life." - EnvironmentalRuin863
"YTA. Apparently, unpopular opinion on Reddit: Our loved ones don't deserve less consideration than the general public. They deserve more."
"If you can "quiet burp" in public, why are you randomly doing gross loud burps in front of your spouse who's trying to remain attracted to you?"
"Like, "safe space" is good, but "keeping the magic alive" is also good."
"My answer would be different if the burps were accidental."
"But you go out of your way to say you have full control over your burps, and your husband would be fine with the way you burp in public."
"You're just deliberately burping differently in front of him, and he doesn't like it, and you don't care. Which does make YTA."
"Would you like it if your husband acted one way prior to marriage and then suddenly dramatically changed his behavior after marriage?"
"Would you not feel like he was taking you for granted like he suddenly considered you "trapped" after you said your vows, and now he doesn't have to 'try' anymore?"
"Like his behavior while trying to get you to say your vows was an 'act,' and now that you've 'committed'…"
"…he can stop 'pretending' to be the person you thought he was, and he can 'be himself' (his real self, the self he hid from you while dating) and blast you on the internet if you complain?"
"PSA: You at your slobbiest is not your "true self". Yes, all of us burp, and poop. That doesn't mean we have to burp or poop in our loved ones' faces, or else we're not being 'authentic'."
"It sounds like you've conflated the ideas of "being yourself" with "exerting no effort whatsoever", and that's just not reasonable."
"If anything, our most real selves are the selves we are when we're doing our best, which usually involves some level of effort and consideration for others." - Em-Teshian
"Going against the grain here but NAH."
"I don't think you're the a*hole for having a normal bodily function."
"However, I personally also understand your husband because I have a similar mindset to him."
"I really dislike when people burp/fart around me, I think it's gross and ( since some people simply do it for laughs ) not funny at all."
"I hold myself to the same standards ( literally cannot remember the last time I burped audibly, even when I am on my own at home. )"
"I think this is just something where you two have different perspectives on it, and that doesn't make either of you an a**hole."
"This is the same thing as not everyone being okay with sitting on the toilet with your partner walking in etc."
"Not everyone has the same understanding of what goes in a comfort zone."
"And it seems that for your husband, burping is one of those things he just dislikes across the board and doesn't read as a positive sign of being comfortable."
"Nonetheless, I don't think you're an a**hole for it. I just don't think he is either." - Kunimono
"YTA. Only on reddit is this a radical opinion. But..."
"OP, be comfortable around each other. But would you really want to be that couple that loudly farts, burps, and picks their nose in front of each other?"
"Yeah, they're all-natural, but so is taking a dump, and you wouldn't do that either."
"Unless I'm totally wrong and burping is the only line he wants to draw, in which case I'm sorry."
"OP, the occasional open-mouthed burp is totally fine and shouldn't draw judgment. But doing it all the time is disrespectful and potentially smelly."
"Unless you see your true self as a rude person, in which case, I'm sorry again."
"I SHOULD clarify that if he's judging you on an accidental burp, then NTA, but that's not what I understood from your post." - enrichyournerdpower
"I mean, are you being obnoxious about it? I had an ex who used to intentionally burp as loud as possible, and it was annoying AF."
"When I burp, I keep my mouth closed, then let the air out. If it's a big burp, I'll crack my mouth open and probably cover my mouth."
"I'm not making a f*cking trumpet when I do it. I feel like that's common courtesy." - xxDankerstein
"NTA"
"Heaven forbid, you burp? I thought we women didn't burp, fart, sweat, puke, pee, crap…"
"Forgive my sarcasm, please. This is just ridiculous. How are you supposed to hold in body functions?"
"Wow. Don't get pregnant with him. He won't handle all the noises your body will make." - Knickers1978
"Unpopular opinion but YTA . Only because your husband has given you a boundary, and you keep crossing it, ON PURPOSE. If it were accidental burps, then I'd think he's going overboard."
"How would you like it if you told your husband something you don't like to see and he repeatedly does it because 'it's quirky' and 'should be my version of a milestone' in a relationship?" - AskLatter174
"YTA"
"Just because you're comfortable being complete natural self doesn't mean he is. He tried to tell you. Not all families of origin are that comfortable with openly sharing bodily functions."
"His family probably didn't do that in front of one another so he finds it unattractive. He's allowed to feel what he feels too."
"It's the little things that kill attraction. Continue at your own risk." - princezznemeziz
"What the actual... you have been together since high school, and he's uncomfortable with you burping?"
"Is it true for other bodily functions? If he thinks burping is gross, how does he feel about getting ill and sh*tting yourself?"
"I've known my partner three years [I am a 30-year-old female]. If I do a quiet burp, his default response is: pfft, that's a weak one. You can do better than that."
"One time, I absolutely belched, honestly shocking myself in the process, and could hear him p*ssing himself with laughter from another room."
"I was like, "did you hear that?!" He couldn't talk properly for a minute."
"I am not going to spend the next fifty years of my life concealing burps from my partner. I deserve freedom and comfort in my own home."
"I refuse to live under the constant anxiety of grossing out the person I've chosen to spend my life with."
"Posts like this make me want to find an engagement ring. I better put a ring on that man and lock him... down for f*cking good."
"Best of luck with your husband, truly."
"NTA" - merryc4t
So, keep it sexy or keep it comfy?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp