Most of us at one point or another have felt the need to work on our bodies, whether it’s to lose weight or gain muscle or some other physical goal.
But it’s harder to receive feedback about this from our partner, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor PartReal8256 was frustrated when she not only received this feedback from her partner, but also from a dietician friend who spoke up for him.
Not wanting to hear anymore, the Original Poster (OP) may have said some things she shouldn’t have.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling a dietician that his advice about weight loss is useless?”
The OP received feedback from her husband about her weight.
“My husband has been pestering me about losing weight lately. I have gained around 4 kg (8.8 pounds) during the pandemic due to the fact that I work more, and honestly, I have no time or energy to work out anymore.”
“For context I’m a doctor, I have been with my husband for 5.5 years and we’re both 28.”
“He has mentioned that he wants me to lose some weight as he finds my legs too thick and he isn’t attracted to my body since I gained weight.”
“I have struggled with disordered eating in the past but I have been athletic my whole life, so I know how to lose weight.”
“Despite having gained some weight I’m still at a normal weight for my height.”
The OP started receiving unsolicited advice during a dinner with friends.
“Last week we had some friends over and one of my husband’s friends is a dietician.”
“Apparently, my husband had spoken to him about my struggle (?) with weight loss and he felt like giving me unsolicited advice in front of everyone at the table in my own house.”
“He started saying I should be eating a caloric deficit, a lot of protein and vegetables, etc.”
“I mean, duh. I asked him why he felt like telling me these and he admitted that my husband told him I have been struggling with losing weight, which I haven’t.”
“I thanked him and said that I actually am not on a diet right now.”
The advice continued during dinner.
“Later we were eating a dessert that I had made and this idiot said, ‘You might want to cut down on sugar and carbs if you wanna lose weight.'”
“I saw red. I told him I don’t need his useless advice, everyone knows these tips, and it’s actually common sense and not to mention that I’m a literal doctor and probably know more about the biochemistry of metabolism than him.”
“I admit now that I was maybe unnecessarily rude but I was furious with him for giving me advice when I didn’t ask, especially on a sensitive topic.”
The OP’s husband did not appreciate these interactions.
“After they had left, my husband told me I was an a**hole for lashing out at a friend who had just wanted to help and whose help he had asked.”
“He also said his friends who are dietitians and dentists don’t like being compared to doctors and hearing that their profession is useless.”
“I never said it’s useless, it’s just not needed by me and definitely not when I didn’t even ask for advice.”
“We have been sleeping separately the whole week and he refuses to talk to me unless I apologize to his friend.”
“So AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the real problem was the husband, not the dietician.
“NTA, but um… you do not have a problem with the rude dietician, you have a problem with your massive, controlling a**hole of a husband.”
“He needs to quit this s**t immediately or get out of your life.”
“The dietician is absolutely an a**hole. I just don’t want OP to waste time fretting about some jerk she barely knows when the really big problem in her life right now is her so-called partner.” – Temporary_Badger
“I can think of a good way to lose 150-200 pounds of AH weight.” – winesis
“That’s always my first thought whenever I read about a man wanting his partner to lose weight or make changes to their appearance (this also goes for women, of course). I highly doubt OP’s husband is some kind of Adonis.” – A-Shot-of-Jamison
“It’s a shame she didn’t make use of the situation to humiliate her husband in return:”
“‘You should tell my husband these things, he’s the one obsessed with losing weight.'”
“or”
“Oh, husband’s name, this is valuable information, you should pick up a few tips here from dietitian’s name.'”
“Her husband is the one who deserved the criticism, and the dietitian thought he was helping. That being said, the dietitian should have shut up after being told you weren’t on a diet.”
“NTA, OP” – knittnens
“NTA OP”
“The whole +I’m not attracted to you becauce you’ve gained weight’ is most often a red herring for so much other crap – coercive control, being controlling in general, using control to make OP feel less than so husband can narcissistically rule everything else while not actually being a good or worthy spouse.”
“There are circumstances when a partner can express this. But must come from compassion and ‘Hey, this thing is bothering me let’s talk about it.'”
“Not bringing in a false expert to try to belittle OP into behaving the way her husband wants (to control her) and setting her up for a gotcha.”
“Add that the nutritionist was idiot enough to try to tell a medical doctor how bodies/calories work…just plain ugly and stupid.”
“And husband set her up for this embarrassment in her own home.”
“Oh and even if OP were to lose weight her husband will move on to a new fake deficit to control her.”
“I wish I’d had the wherewithal to leave when my ex started that crap.”
“We all hate when Redditors jump to ‘Leave him now, get away.’ Long-term OP you really need to consider it.”
“People like this resist treatment, make all the problems and all the work their victims’ responsibility & rarely stop, change, improve belittling and harming their partners.” – No-Appointment-7232
Others agreed but also saw the dietician’s behavior as a big problem.
“Tthere were other people there, +friends’ plural, the dietitian wasn’t helpful from the first comment.”
“If someone else asked him to help my insert wife/daughter/son etc. HE could have asked OP an adult if she wanted advice.”
“He publicly started giving that person advice… at a dinner party they were hosting. he definitely should have talked to OP privately.”
“Plus your point of doing it a second time, ‘maybe have less dessert,’ to someone who has already told you they are not interested in your advice.”
“Saying, ‘I was just being helpful’ is claiming to being ‘criminally stupid’ or maliciously stupid if you like that phrase better. Your intentions don’t matter you are harmful to others.”
“I’m sick of ‘they meant well’ being used to excuse toxic behavior any adult should no better than doing.”
“Obviously OP’s bigger issue is her spouse but that’s just because OP has to live with her spouse. A professional who acts like this ‘dietitian’ is just as much of an a**hole as a spouse who tells a weigh lost pro to talk to their wife.” – shh_its_me
“Yeah, 4 kg is so little if gaining such a tiny amount makes him “not attracted” anymore he’s off in the head and insanely controlling. Especially as OP is still in the normal weight range – not even a little overweight. It’s crazy.”
“Also, giving unsolicited advice to the (normal weight) hostess when you’re a guest at their home about weight loss, and continuing with the comments after you’ve been told that thanks they’re not on a diet, is super rude. Dietician friend was out of line – though I suspect they’d been pushed into it by the husband.”
“But nevertheless, zero need for apology, all the need to re-evaluate the relationship.”
“NTA” – paspartuu
“Sound’s like he is fishing for a reason to justify either cheating or wanting to divorce or both.”
“‘Toxic advice that I know is toxic’ disclaimer: if it were me, I would look through his phone/ e-mails/ social media, etc without his knowing just to be sure.”
“OP: NTA” – ChocolateChipShame
“The husband is a MAJOR AH. A few months after the birth of my child, I was feeling really insecure about my pudgy belly, and mentioned it to my husband.”
“He reached over, wiggled it a bit, and said that he likes it, and I don’t have to worry. I can’t even imagine how awful I’d have felt if my husband were to act like OP’s.”
“That would seriously be deal-breaker behavior for me!” – MrsZ_CZ
“I’m 8 mo postpartum and my weight loss stopped about 5 months ago and have a VERY different body now. I was upset one night and lamenting on my new to me body and how I don’t feel attractive.”
“He was so supportive and said, ‘You brought new life into the world and are working hard and taking care of everything in your life so well. Don’t worry about that right now. I love you and you’re beautiful before and after baby.'”
“I hope OP sees these as the standard.” – chanpat
While the subReddit could already agree that what happened at dinner was embarrassing and uncalled for, they had multiple people they wanted to blame.
The dietician was definitely out of turn by offering unsolicited advice to someone who wasn’t dieting, but the husband was especially out-of-line by making these comments indirectly to his partner in front of their friends.