Should a home be tailored to meet the owners' needs or be focused on hosting guests? Can it be both?
How much guest space is enough?
A first time father turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on this issue.
Competitive_Crew759 asked:
"AITA for refusing to turn my office into a guest room?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"We are about to have our first baby and currently have a 4 bedroom house—a classic center hall colonial with 1 Master, 2 guest rooms, and an office."
"Having an office has always been super important to me because I am an industrial designer and gamer; I have a large desktop and a separate 'design table' with a 3D printer, tools, cabinets, shelves and a VR set up."
"I'd just like to point out at this point that I've always put my wife first, I'm not that guy that ignores the wife and family to play video games. I'm only really on the computer if she's not home or if she is sleeping and this has seldom been a point of conflict in our relationship."
"There is no animosity between us, just a disagreement on how to use the space we have."
"Now that we are having a baby, she really wants to put the queen sized bed from the guest room being turned into the babies room into my office (the smallest room) which will really be cramping the space and making VR impossible."
"I'm obviously not a fan of this and would rather throw out the bed even though I hate the idea of wasting a whole mattress. The reason for this is to accommodate when either of our parents and families come and stay over as they often need more than 1 room."
"However, we have 2 pull outs in our finished basement. They double as beds when it's not being used as a movie theater/laundry room."
"All together we have 3 pull out mattresses and 4 additional couches people can sleep on if needed. Not to mention 2 inflatable queen sized mattresses if we get really desperate—it has happened once."
"I've offered to move my whole office to the basement, but she does not like the idea of not being able to reach me right across the hall if needed."
"We are at a bit of an impasse and neither of us wants to budge. I keep arguing that the house should be made to meet our needs and not worry about hosting other people."
"She thinks we should be good hosts since we are kind of the center point of our families for gatherings and stuff. We are also the only one's in both our families that have the space to host everyone, so every holiday is usually at our house anyways.
"I don't mind hosting, but I also don't want to lose 50% of my office so that someone can crash there once every few months."
The OP summed up their situation.
"Refusing to turn my office into a guest room to accommodate the new babyroom and the fact that we host a lot of our family holidays."
"Maybe I should consider sucking it up for the baby and everyone and dealing with a cramped office. I really don't want to though and would rather just tell people to sleep elsewhere in the house."
"My house should accommodate my needs."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA now that you have a baby on the way, you have one less guest room. If guests need more than you can provide, they can stay elsewhere."
"A possible compromise might be something like a murphy bed or something similar. A friend of mine has a cabinet that folds out to a bed, it's pretty neat."
"It's good to keep it out of the way for day to day use of the room, but there if you truly need an extra bed. But with a baby, I hope most of your guests understand you have less space available for them to each have their own guest room." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"Also, being that you're starting your own family, there's no need to keep up being the hub to host all the families. This is just a personal preference for me to be honest."
"A guest room is a luxury, but multiple? Seems a silly priority to have over the needs/comforts of the people who actually live there."
"Again. Just my pennies. NTA." ~ BRLA7
"My guest room is a sofa bed in the living room. Both of our spare bedrooms are our offices, which was great when we were working from home during the pandemic. NTA." ~ PDK112
"Our guest room is the upstairs playroom. We have an air mattress that people can use. Hope they don't mind sleeping next to 10,000 Ninja Turtles and other assorted toys." ~ Fight_those_bastards
"My uncle's house had 3 bedrooms upstairs, a kitchen, dining room, living room, and a large and oddly-shaped den."
"No guest room. 1 couchbed in the living room, and 2 in the den."
"He and his wife offered my parents their bedroom, they took a couchbed in the den, and my sister and I shared the living room couchbed. The living room had big folding doors at either end that would be closed when it was our bedtime."
"It worked out fine for everyone. NTA." ~ fractal_frog
"Why change a space that is being used regularly by a person LIVING in the house so that persons NOT living in the house who visit on occasion can be comfortable? Heck no! NTA." ~ One_Ad_704
"My husband is a visual artist, and we have a Murphy bed in our studio/office/guest room/library. It's a great way to have a bed for guests but still use the room for other purposes. NTA." ~ Denverdogmama
"NTA. The bed can be moved to the basement, or a temporary option (like an inflatable mattress) can be used in the nursery (or even your office) only when guests are there. Don't give up the home you live in for the occasional guests."
"Having an office is a reasonable use of the space by the people who live there. It's great that you have so much space for so many guests, but she can work something else out to not cause problems the other 90% of the time." ~ Tangerine_Bouquet
"NTA. It's your house, it should be to accommodate you the person who lives there, not potential guests." ~ J-littletree
"NAH, but you do not need that many people staying under your roof."
"Hotels exist for a reason."
"Two guest rooms is a luxury for people with more space than they know what do to with. That is no longer your household." ~ StAlvis
"We had two offices and a guest room before our baby was born. We both work from home, so the guest room became the baby's room and now we have no guest room. Our day to day is more important than an occasional visitor." ~ ho_hey_
"NTA. You have another guest bedroom and various other options. You should be allowed to have your own space."
"It would be different if there were no other options."
"To design your house around people who occasionally visit is crazy to me. It is for the people who actually live there. Their comfort should be priority." ~ catladyclub
"NTA. Sell the bed and buy another fold out if your wife is worried or get a beautiful murphy bed so you don't lose any space." ~ MrsNobodyspecial67
"NTA. I am going to go against the flow and say that your office should remain your office. Do not plan to use any portion of your office as a guest room."
"If your wife worked in a commercial office, would she want someone camping out in her work area? I don't think so."
"Your work area is just that whether you are actively working or not. In addition, it is your relaxing space. You will not have access to that area if someone is living there."
"If the remaining guest spaces are not to someone's liking, they can go stay in a hotel." ~ OldestCrone
"NTA, but please make sure to check your ventilation set-up if you are 3D printing within a few feet of your child's room. No need to mess with the kid's lungs."
"Honestly, once you explain that part of the set up, I doubt anyone will want to stay next to it anyway." ~ HuskerCard123
"NTA. Guests are people who stay temporarily, so I feel like what's best for them shouldn't be prioritized over what's best for the people who actually live in the home on a daily basis."
"It just doesn't seem like there's a pressing need to move a bed into your office, and have you deal with a lack of space just because people stay with you a few times a year." ~ YearOneTeach
The OP provided an update.
"I had never heard of a Murphy bed, but I looked it up and this looked like it would be a solid compromise."
"So we settled on getting a Murphy bed. Thanks for the suggestions!"
The OP was judged to be not the a**hole, but they still found a compromise with their wife. It sounds like everyone is getting what they want here.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp