Pregnancy can be a wonderful time for parents. But it can also be stressful because of how a lot of society views pregnant people.
Unsolicited advice and unwanted touching are major issues many cite.
What’s up with putting your hands on a person’s abdomen without their consent?
A mom-to-be frustrated with a friend’s advice about her pregnancy turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
PollutionPrior2939 asked:
“AITA for telling my husband’s girl best friend she can’t host my baby shower?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (22, female) and my husband (23, male) got married young, I was eighteen, he was nineteen. Both of us knew we always wanted to get married and start a family young.”
“I started college two years ago, and he just graduated with a Bachelor of Biomedical Science. My husband has a girl best friend—(23, female) who I’ll call Sam—who he met in college.”
“Both of them grew up Baptist, and while he’s left the church, they had a very similar childhood and bonded quite quickly.”
“Despite what you may be thinking, her and I got along really well. She and I liked the same music and we were both studying in relatively the same fields so she became a friend of mine as well.”
“Since I found out I was pregnant though, some issues have started to arise. We announced our pregnancy on social media after we told our parents.”
“Sam texted my husband a congrats text and then told him to pass on her well wishes to me. She’s been texting him nonstop with baby advice and what she likes to call ‘advice for mama’ which includes sometimes relatively targeted jabs at what I should eat.”
“Honestly, I kept brushing the texts off, but it got a point where the conversations were less about the baby and more about me. Which I was getting increasingly uncomfortable with because she wasn’t texting me, she was texting my husband.”
“My husband acknowledged this and has just started to show them to me and ask what I want him to do. I just told him to ignore them.”
“When I announced I was having a baby shower and sent out the invites, I recieved a text from Sam. She said something along the lines of wanting to host my baby shower and set it up.”
“I told her politely that my mom was planning on hosting it with the help of my sister and that it was a special moment for them and I wouldn’t want to take that away. Well Sam ignored that message, because the next day, she came over and insisted we start working out arrangements for the venue.”
“I told her once again, my mom and sister were hosting it. She told me that I should take her advice and let her plan it because she’d ensure that the baby shower would be better if she planned it—particularly because she’d be working on the menu.”
“Whether it was pregnancy hormones or just bottled-up rage, I told her that the jabs she’d been making at me behind my back about my diet during this pregnancy to my husband were really annoying. And that, no, she cannot host this shower, and from now on, her unsolicited advice was not appreciated—especially if she can’t say it to my face.”
“That night my husband’s phone blew up with messages from Sam saying that he had no right to show me those messages. They were just supposed to be health tips because Sam was studying nutritional science and only wanted to help her best friend and ensure a happy baby and life.”
“I know she had somewhat good intentions and she’s been a good friend to my husband and to me.”
“So, AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I didn’t need to blow up at her; she was just trying to help no matter what misguided. I understand she may have good intentions and has just gone about them the wrong way.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA, your instincts are right on this one. If the two of you got along so well, why wasn’t Sam texting you directly with all her ‘helpful’ advice?”
“This woman sounds like she is trying to insert herself between you and your husband in a really nasty, manipulative way. I think you need to have a serious discussion with your husband about boundaries.” ~ TeenySod
“The insistence on being the one to plan the baby shower gives me the heebie jeebies though. It’s almost like she thinks she has a right to plan the shower, as if the baby is hers.” ~ TerminologyLacking
“She knows the baby is gonna pull the husband’s focus away from her and more towards his family. So by pulling the baby focus towards her, she’s trying to lure him back in.”
“You see this when they realise they can’t outshine the big thing (the actual baby), so they try to suck up all surrounding focus (hosting the shower, giving oh so helpful advice, etc…).”
“Oh god, this just made me so glad I bailed on a social thing this weekend where I would have had to deal with a person who’s like this. Even when you don’t play their game, these narcissistic people are draining.”
“Like, where do they find the energy to find the audacity? Isn’t it just easier to be nice to people and form genuine bonds? NTA.” ~ meggatronia
“Your husband had ‘no right’ to show you those messages‽‽ I assume Sam isn’t married. Healthy relationships don’t have secrets. You are NTA. He needs to cut her off.” ~ Mother_to3
“You know what’s bad for the baby….stress, and she’s adding to it. Your husband needs to set boundaries with his ‘friend’ now before he starts looking like an a**hole. NTA.”
“When the baby comes, neither of you will have time to entertain a third party because you’ll be exhausted.”
“She sounds borderline crazy. Make sure she doesn’t try to hurt you and keep her far away from the baby.” ~ InfamousCup7097
The OP provided a pair of updates, beginning with:
“Hi everyone, first I just want to thank you for all your support, truly it means the world.”
“Okay, so Hubby and I phoned Sam today and talked to her about the issues we were having with how she was acting. I explained that I was very uncomfortable with the fact that she had been texting my husband, not me, about my pregnancy and eating habits.”
“That when she assumed she would be granted secrecy and she wasn’t, she got mad. Sam explained that in the moment it seemed like a good idea not to text me directly in case she overstepped and made me mad.”
“So she was hoping that if she explained things to my husband, he would be able to relay that info to me casually. She assured she just wanted to help protect and nurture the baby.”
“To that I said that this isn’t her baby. I am perfectly capable of making sure the baby is healthy.”
“She apologised and explained that truly she only thought she was doing something good.”
“Husband and I explained we are just going to distance ourselves a bit because this situation has not only made me uncomfortable, but husband also said that he needs to focus on his wife right now. Sam needs to take a backseat.”
“I don’t think she was overly happy with this, but she said okay. She asked if she was still invited to the baby shower and Hubby said it may be best that she skips it, but I explained if she wants to her invitation is still valid and she is still welcome.”
“Sam did text me after the phone call asking if we can meet for coffee, so I’m seeing her tomorrow.”
“Honestly, I think she was just misguided. She’s not a bad person at heart.”
Which was followed by:
“This will probably be the last update I do unless something else happens, but safe to say after today, Sam is out of our lives!”
“Essentially, I did go see Sam and she was not alone. In fact she brought her cousin who is… pause for effect… a therapist!”
“About five minutes into Sam’s opening monologue, I left. She explained that after hubby and I told her we wanted low contact, she realised that clearly the stress of expecting a baby had caused me to act irrationally.”
“She wanted me to have someone to speak to. She even tried to dress it up by saying that yay i didn’t have to pay for this. Yippee!”
“Anyway, I left.”
“Hubby sent her a message saying we need distance and not to contact us for a while. This does not mean we are going low contact.”
“We are going no contact—as I stated she is out of our lives. Sam’s a bit irrational right now and we just want to minimise fallout hence telling her ‘for a while’.”
“Not to psychoanalyze, but honestly, I think Sam needs help. Clearly she cares, but it’s too much.”
“And honestly, it’s insulting how little she thinks I can look after myself and my baby. Her overbearing personality has its limits and honestly, I can’t take it.”
“Anyways, thank you for all your support.”
Unfortunately, a once good friendship ended, but some people won’t be in our lives forever.
OP and her husband’s life will be changing drastically when they become parents.
Maybe Sam was meant only to be part of their pre-parenthood life.