Everyone has something that they're afraid of, but some fears are deeper, more serious phobias.
When someone we love has one of these phobias, the kindest thing to do is to be empathetic about them, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
There was a tattoo that Redditor catimpersonator9 really wanted to get, even though their husband had a phobia of the thing they wanted to tattoo on their body.
But when their husband was triggered by the tattoo, the Original Poster (OP) wondered what the right thing to do would have been.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for getting a tattoo my husband hates?"
The OP had a history of getting tattoos.
"I have a few tattoos on my sides, thigh, and ankle."
"My husband doesn't really like tattoos, but he accepts it's my body, so he doesn't hold strong objections to them."
"In the past, I haven't consulted him on a new tattoo; I've just gone and got them, and he's said, 'Oh, another one, okay.'"
They recently wanted a tattoo their husband wasn't comfortable with.
"A few months ago, I said I wanted to get a Medusa tattoo as I adore her."
"My husband said please no. He hates snakes and has a phobia of them."
"Well, I couldn't get the idea out of my mind, and then an opening came up with this amazing artist, so I booked it and got one on my thigh."
"It isn't huge (about the size of my palm) and not too graphic. It's more of an outline than realistic snakes."
The OP's husband was incredibly uncomfortable to see it.
"My husband says I was an AH for getting something he really hates since he's the only other person who will see it."
"I kind of feel bad, but it's my body, right? It's not like I got a real pet snake."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said that while the tattoo was her choice, she should have thought of her husband.
"Body autonomy is very important to me and I was so ready to say OP didn't do anything wrong when I clicked on the title, but in this specific situation, I find myself agreeing that OP is the AH."
"For context regarding my knee-jerk reaction, I have a relative who got some beautiful tattoos that she was very happy with. Soon after (like months later, maybe around a year) she met a guy who hates tattoos and shames her for having them, to the point of making her wear clothing that covers it up."
"It's heartbreaking, and I hate him for it. I thought something like that was happening here when I saw the title, but it doesn't seem to be." - Mahoushi
"NTA for getting inked."
"Serious YTA for doing that to your husband. Why would you get ink of something you know that he has a phobia of? He asked you nicely, no. It may be your body and skin, but he has to look at it every time you are naked." - LongDistRider
"YTA. This is a control issue, and it appears you were intent on doing this no matter how he felt about it. It's your body and choice, but there's a bigger issue here." - ScoutSteveR
"You know that thing you do when you don't want to be the AH and break up with someone? So you do a thing to pi** them off to make them break it off?"
"I'm convinced that OP either hates their husband or more likely... all men." - angreek
"YTA. You made the conscious choice to permanently place your husband's known phobia trigger on your person."
"Yeah, it's your body and your choice, but now your husband is faced with his phobia every time he looks at your thigh." - PrairieGrrl5263
"YTA. It's your body, sure. But like, some things really can turn a person off, and if you're gonna do something that makes your number one sex-haver turned off, then well... Have fun with the consequences of that, I guess." - BaseTensMachine
"Why would deliberately make a choice to daily trigger your husband?"
"You have been perfectly happy all this time without that picture on your body. Do you seriously care so little for your relationship?"
"Wow. YTA." - HappySummerBreeze
"YTA. I'm all for a woman's right to choose, and in general, I think you should get a tattoo if you want one."
"In this case, though, you clearly chose to put a selfish, superficial, and unnecessary desire first over your husband. You talked to him about it, and he asked you not to because he has a phobia of snakes."
"He didn't tell you no, or forbid you. He left it in your hands and you made the selfish choice. He has every right to be upset."
"Hopefully it isn't a huge deal for the two of you, but if it is, it's all your fault." - NukeTheCow_
"I don't know… seems like a weird hill to, y'know. You could have gotten almost any tattoo, but you chose one you knew would bother him. Have you thought about why?"
"Of course it's your body/choice, but how come the one thing that would really bother your hubby is the thing you couldn't get out of your mind?"
"Something else is going on. YTA." - Alternative-End-5076
Others argued that good relationships include compromise and empathy.
"YTA, in my opinion. If it's something he really hates, then I feel you should have considered his feelings and not got it. Like, it's your body, sure, but it seems a reasonable request from your husband." - ICame2DropB0mbs
"YTA. Phobias are nothing to screw around with, and sure, 'your body your choice,' but marriage is about being a team. Instead, you now have a permanent possible trigger for him on your body." - Disastrous-Sleep-210
"She already knew he isn't fond of tattoos but her husband respected her choice for her body. So she keeps getting more and now got something tattooed that he doesn't just simply dislike, but has a fear of. Feels like OP is pushing boundaries intentionally. YTA." - loveiloveya
"YTA. So your husband has a phobia regarding snakes and you chose to put a head full of them on your body??" - ilp456
"For real, I have a really intense spider phobia and if my husband got a tattoo of a person with a bunch of spiders on their head, I would be extremely uncomfortable. It's just so f**king selfish. YTA." - paradisetossed7
"I'm an arachnophobe. H**l, I scared the s**t out of myself for about three weeks after getting a shoulder blade tattoo, because I can see one tip of a curly music bar, and I kept thinking it was a spider."
"If my husband, also an arachnophobe, got a spider tattoo anywhere ever for some reason, he'd be getting swatted daily with all sorts of stuff around the house!!"
"'Honey, I didn't mean to hit you with the broom that hard, I keep thinking it's real!' - Definitely me." - DarkInkPixie
"My husband also has a snake phobia, we both have tattoos and I wouldn't think of getting one of a snake even though I like them. Even mentioning snakes makes him really uncomfortable and is clearly a bit traumatizing."
"So anytime I want to talk about a thing I watched (I enjoy reptile videos and the like), I just always say 'reptile' and never hint towards a snake even if it is one."
"Phobias are real and I think OP is being very insensitive. YTA." - Affectionate_Shoe198
"YTA. I'm not sure why I see so many partners on here obsessed with 'me me me, and mine mine mine.' A partnership is, well, a partnership. And part of that includes taking your partner's needs and feelings into consideration when making decisions."
"Yes, it's your body; yes, it's your choice. But he did not forbid you, he asked you kindly to take his feelings into consideration, which you did not do, and that's what makes you the AH. Relationships are give and take, and sometimes we have to give up things we might want or do, things we might not want to do, simply out of consideration for our other half."
"If my husband expressed that he did not want me to do something due to a phobia, I would take that seriously, because I love him, and I also have to live with him, lol (laughing out loud). There's no reason for me to cause trouble over something that I could just easily avoid by being compassionate to his feelings."
"If you have a serious, serious need for a snake tattoo, you could have gotten something small, or something less visible, but you chose a hand-sized tattoo right on your thigh, where he will have to see it every time you undress. That's not taking his feelings into consideration."
"I would be super annoyed to be faced with my phobia every time my husband undressed. It's just a matter of asking myself, 'Would I want him to do this to me?' If the answer is no, then that's your answer, too." - Healthy_Employment44
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
"Since this post, my husband has gotten over it."
"This sub has successfully exterminated one a**hole."
Everyone could agree that it was the OP's body, and therefore, their choice what they did with it and what they tattooed on it, but if their husband meant anything to them at all, they might want to start empathizing with his phobias, especially since their body is something that he will see from time to time, and now possibly be triggered by through no fault of his own.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.