Self-care has become a mantra of sorts.
The idea that we need to be kind and generous with ourselves is a beautiful and correct concept, one that not everyone shares.
Sometimes, people feel better when they're working hard.
So, what happens when your loved one falls into his category, and you're afraid it's doing more harm than good?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) SeaMethod9837 when he came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
"AITA for shutting off the home wifi so that my wife would stop working?"
First, the relevant background.
"I (35) have been married to my wife Jen (30) for three years, and before that we dated for six years... she is also 32 weeks (eight months) pregnant with twins."
"She's my best friend, and I absolutely adore her, with one minor flaw, she is a huge workaholic/perfectionist."
"While we both have very well-paying jobs, Jen's job is way more stressful and time-demanding."
"Even though she is brilliant and amazing at what she does, she often works around the clock (on average, 60-hour weeks) at home and in the office."
A doctor's mandate changed things.
"This wasn't a problem before, but about two weeks ago, her doctor told her to take a step back from work (i.e., go on leave early) because the stress was starting to cause her a couple of health issues, even though the babies are fine."
"However, being the workaholic that she is, she has still been working from her laptop 6-8 hours every day."
"Which, fine, I understand that she had a couple of cases that she needed to finish."
"But most days she was so focused on work that she was forgetting to eat meals and falling asleep at her desk."
"So, yesterday, when I got home, I realized that she had done the same thing again."
"I woke her up and told her that she needed to go rest in bed."
"She insisted she was fine and said there was an emergency with a client of hers, and she just needed to finalize some things for a coworker."
"I asked her just to take a break first and take a nap/eat, but she said that she would once she was done and that it wouldn't take her more than an hour."
"I told her fine, but no longer than an hour, even though I was pretty annoyed."
OP took matters into his own hands.
"So, two hours later, when she was still working, I became frustrated and unplugged the Wi-Fi and put the cable out of sight."
"The only purpose of this was to cut her off from work on her laptop because she clearly had no intention of stopping."
"Once she realized, she yelled at me, called me an AH, and she said that I was treating her like a child and accused me of being controlling, condescending, and 'borderline abusive."'
"I told her that she is being stupid and just to let the coworker that asked for her help to handle it."
"I said that she was free to use the mobile hotspot on her phone or figure out the router herself, but otherwise, I would plug it back in when I woke up (which I did)."
"She was so mad that she slept in the guest room, and when I went to apologize the next morning for calling her stupid (not for cutting the internet) she said that she can't even look at me."
"She hasn't said another word to me yet."
"I'm starting to feel like I might have been a bit extreme, even if I only did it out of concern."
"But honestly, overdoing it by trying to meet deadlines that she's not even supposed to be responsible for."
He was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Commenters didn't hold back.
"YTA."
"'She said that I was treating her like a child.'"
"You are."
"'[She] accused me of being controlling, condescending, and 'borderline abusive".'
"If the shoe fits?"
"To a certain extent, I get your concern, especially if her doctor said to limit stress."
"Does she need a better work/life balance? Probably."
"But the way you deal with that concern is NOT by taking away your wife's autonomy."
"That's just unacceptable in a relationship."
"And frankly, given that your wife IS a perfectionist and worried about work deadlines, you probably caused her a lot more stress by cutting her off from the WiFi."
"Hiding the cable and demanding that she go take a nap like she's a naughty five-year-old." ~ anthony___fell
"YTA."
"'I told her fine, but no longer than an hour even though I was pretty annoyed.'"
"This right here is controlling and condescending before we even get to the ridiculous wifi stunt."
"Your wife is an adult and gets to make her own choices."
"If you disagree so vehemently with those choices, you can choose to make an issue out of it."
"But just unilaterally making the choice for her, over her objections, about her own health, is everything your wife told you it was, emphasis on the 'condescending."'
"If you think your wife actually has an addiction or a serious problem with her work patterns (which does sound like a thing you wouldn't be out of line for worrying about)."
"Then you should tell her that and push for therapy, not go behind her back and sabotage her decisions when you don't agree with them." ~ coitus_introitus
Some thought everyone was in the wrong here.
"Surprised there isn't more ESH here. I have no idea why she's getting a free pass"
"She sucks because her addiction to work is risking her health, the baby's health and their relationship"
"He sucks because he went about this terribly. Both of them need to learn to communicate" ~ nate4721
"Agreed."
"She's absolutely in the wrong."
"Even though the doctor stated the babies' health is currently fine, stress from not eating or sleeping properly will affect their health if it continues."
"She clearly can't moderate her own work habits."
"While his methods suck, OP was right to take control."
"Sometimes we (all people) need our partner to stop us from hurting ourselves. People get tunnel vision and don't realize what they're doing."
"ESH." ~ KasLea82
Others shared personal stories to commiserate.
"I'm also an attorney and a workaholic."
"When I was pregnant, it was a huge adjustment to take a step back towards the end of my pregnancy."
"I was trying to finish up whatever I could."
"I also needed the distraction because my whole life was about to change."
"I'd flip if my husband cut off my internet. It would surely mean that I would be way more stressed."
"My husband would tell me to take a step back or not work too late but cutting off the internet would have been detrimental." ~ tealpuppies
"Yeah, the last week before mat leave, I was up til 11 every night finishing up a trial."
"I skipped meals."
"I didn't get enough sleep."
"I would've been way worse off, though, if someone decided to f over my job because they decided they knew better than me."
"The baby will be fine with a few days of less-than-ideal conditions. Babies have been born healthy for millennia in much worse conditions."
"ETA: Husband brought me meals and drinks and vitamins. Like an adult." ~ Disruptorpistol
"As a former Big Law employee, absolutely."
"Given the billing hour requirements, I would have to average 60-hour work weeks (not all time is billable)."
"Knowing I had a few weeks during which I couldn't work - would do the arithmetic and see I had to average 80 hrs a week, knowing that any more unexpected days off would increase that 80 hrs."
"OP YTA" ~ jewishgeneticlottery
OP did return with an update.
"So, uh yeah… I wrote this thinking it would get 20 comments at most."
"Jen and I had a calm discussion about last night pretty much immediately after I posted."
"She called me on my sh*t, told me that I only stressed her out more by cutting the internet (something a lot of people pointed out)."
"And we both decided what we would respond if the other person was acting in a way that was harmful to our family so that we both would feel respected."
"I apologized for calling her stupid, and she apologized for calling me abusive… as it turns out, neither of us meant the name-calling."
"I promised to trust her judgment. She promised not to overdo it with work."
"I mentioned that we should go to therapy at least once before the boys are born, and she also thought it was a good idea."
"We made up, got burgers, and she passed out on the couch."
"But I do agree that I was in the wrong here, and I accept my YTA judgment. It's deserved, and I'm going to work on myself."
"Side note: It is horrifying that so many people were able to able to make out exactly what she does from what little I said about her job."
"(She is a pretty kick-@ss attorney tho)"
Self-care is a vital part of living a safe and healthy life.
But self-care doesn't always look like spa days or yet another re-watch of your favorite show.
Sometimes it can look like hard work, intensive focus, or even a fair bit of stress.
While it can be tempting to step in, the effort can do more harm than good and can be seen as controlling or even infantilizing.
Be kind, of course, but remember that kindness doesn't always look the same to everyone.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp