Control in a marriage is not really an ideal partner goal. Marrying someone so that you can control them or because you are hoping to gain some control over them is sure to lead to issues down the line once the facade drops.
So Redditor ThrowawayOnica202 found herself at the mercy of one such moment with her husband after he threw away an expensive makeup kit for trivial reasons. In response, she decided to spend some time away from the house, but at the rebuffment of several folks in her life.
Wondering if she had, in fact, been overreacting, she went to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA” for objective feedback from strangers:
“AITA for taking some space away from home after my newly wedded husband threw away my makeup?”
Our original poster, or OP, foregrounded the tension that lead up to the incident.
“Me and my husband started dating 4 years ago and just got married( if that matters). Problems have been arising in our marriage from issues with loyalty, but the main one being his pettiness.”
“I have been getting more interested and invested in wearing makeup. Before I use to only put on light makeup as I was inexperienced, but with the help of youtube and my friend who is a MUA I have been tweaking my makeup skills.”
“I used to be insecure about my eye shape and I actually really adore how it looks now with a little bit of liner and eyeshadow.”
“However my husband is strongly against me putting on makeup which I don’t know why even though I clarified with him. I only now put it on when I go to work as per what we compromised.”
“I asked him if it was a monetary issue (even though all my makeup is paid for by my own money) turns out he simply does not like the look of it. Last Tuesday when I came back from work my main makeup palette set( lipstick ,blush and foundation), eyeshadow kit , and many of my brushes were missing.”
“At first I thought I misplaced them but I found some of my brushes in the trash and I still haven’t found my eyeshadow kit. My makeup palette was broken and the powder was literally scraped off.”
He then admitted to throwing away the expensive materials on a whim.
“When I questioned my husband he admitted to it and he says he did it out of frustration because I was not respecting his wishes of not wearing makeup in the house or out.”
“However I told him about our initial compromise that I would wear it out to work, and sometimes I do like to practice some new looks I learned at home. He literally threw out and destroyed the entire set.”
“I paid 150 for the whole set and he has not even reimbursed me for that. I was extremely disappointed and hurt and so I decided to stay over at my friend’s home ( I wanted to meet her anyway) for a peace of mind. He thought I was being too dramatic 🙄.”
“He then called my mother up and she thinks what I did was too harsh , especially since we are newlyweds. She does think what he did was wrong but she does not believe that what I did was an appropriate response.”
“Back when we were dating he also did something similar, he did not like a particular handbag I was carrying (it was just a very simple black vintage bag) and he threw it away without my knowledge but bought me another one that HE thought was prettier.”
“I just don’t think this throwing away my stuff is alright at all and I want him to reflect on his mistakes. AITA for taking some time to actually make him understand what he did even though we are newlyweds?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors’ advice to OP? Run, and keep on running.
“Op. This is definitely controling narcissistic behaviour. I’m pretty sure things are only going to get worse for you. And by the sounds of it you’ll just make excuses for him.”
“Throwing away your hand bag because ‘he’ didn’t like the look of it is a red flag. But the fact that your willingness to compromise on ‘your body’ and what to do with it wearing makeup.”
“It’s a huge red flag. It’s your face. Not his. He doesn’t have to like everything you wear but he has no rights on throwing your stuff out or telling you how to look. NTA. Your husband is.”-Lopsided_Boss4802
“I know Reddit likes to throw the word ‘abuse’ around a lot, but that is what is happening here. Your husband is abusive and controlling. He does not get to tell you what you can’t and can’t wear.”
“He doesn’t get to tell you what to do with your money or body. He does not get to destroy your property. He does not get to set rules for your appearance.”
“HE IS WRONG. And your mother is wrong. Stand up for yourself. Tell him he can either respect you or GTFO. Tell your mother this, too. NTA. But don’t stay, or you will be.”-annrkea
“Hello dear, I understand this is difficult, but he’s not being petty or passive aggressive, he’s abusive. He’s going to keep pushing until you are completely under his thumb.”
“Do speak to a professional, and most importantly, do keep your friends close. Don’t give him a chance to isolate you and convince you this is normal. It isn’t. NTA btw.”-zeihed
“When he threw away your handbag, and replaced it with one he liked, it was a test of your boundaries, how far could he push that.”
“He now has you in a place where your boundaries are easier to push and with time as he wears you down, you will one day find that he has pushed every boundary that you ever thought you had.”
“This is all on him, this is the very start of him wearing you down, chipping away at your very soul, until you become a shell of who you once were, and he can control and manipulate your every move. It started with a handbag, please let it end at make up.”-3hippos
The internet believes OP’s husband will only escalate his control and abuse.
“First, a handbag. Now it’s makeup. Next, it will be clothing you can or cannot wear, then he will escalate to the food you eat and how (much) you exercise.”
“This is not about preference, it’s about controlling what you do because he thinks his opinion matters more than your autonomy.”
“NTA. I’d ask myself how you want your life to be like in 5 years, and if that kind of partner fits within it.”-TiniestGhost
“NTA, get away from him immediately. He wants something to control, not a spouse, and it’s only going to get worse if you allow him to get away with throwing out your things any longer.”
“I would recommend getting your valuables out of there if possible. He has no respect for you and I wouldn’t be surprised if he trashed your things as revenge for not submitting to what he thinks is best.”-alltheworldschances
“This isn’t a couples counseling issue. More of an issue your husband has and should seek out individual counseling but he needs to realize this. This is abusive and controlling.”
“Don’t listen to anyone who says you’re overreacting. I can’t believe it’s almost the end of 2021 and folks are still telling others they are overreacting in abusive situations.”
“NTA but think long and hard before stepping back into this situation.”-Affectionate-Dirt777
“I will never understand why behavior like this happens before the marriage yet people still get married. NTA but why in the world did you marry him in the first place if he exhibited this type of behavior.”
“Both of you need to go to therapy. If he doesn’t go then divorce him because this will never get any better and will only get worse.”-sophi52760
And people wanted OP to see her worth and get as far away as possible before it was too late.
“OP, you are not being dramatic. Your husband is controlling, and when you refuse to obey him, he escalates.”
“Right now, he’s just escalating to throwing out your belongings without permission. Right now it’s ‘just’ make-up and a handbag that he’s trying to exert an insane amount of control over.”
“That is not going to change. Unless he seeks help now, this behavior will only further escalate until you say no to something and this time he goes after you instead of your stuff.”
“NTA. He needs therapy or divorce papers. This is how domestic abuse happens.”-RedoubtableSouth
“He’s trying to keep her from feeling good about herself… 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 that’s classic abuser behavior. He wants her to think he’s the best she’ll ever get because she’s not good enough for anyone else and will have too low of a self confidence to defend herself or move on if things get too bad.”
“OP your husband might not be direct with his disrespect and abuse (not saying mean things to your face etc.), but his behavior is indicative of worse to come.”
“Abuse doesn’t have to be direct insults or physical harm. The fact that you made a compromise and he still acted unilaterally to throw out something you enjoy and spent money on is… scary.”
“You are NTA. You deserve to love your look and partake in things that bring you happiness and joy. He doesn’t get to take that away from you.”
“You can either go to couples counseling (because he needs serious help that goes beyond what you can provide), or you need to stay on your toes. There are men out there that are capable of treating you better and supporting you in your endeavors because they want to see YOU happy.”-The_Samsquantch1110
“NTA. Your husband is 100% the a**hole. He doesn’t want you doing something because HE doesn’t like it.”
“He didn’t want a certain purse because HE didn’t like it. He doesn’t care what you want and is very controlling. What loyalty issues were there?”
“You mentioned that and you only just got married. Get out of it while you can.”-nurse27
“NTA – your husband is controlling, abusive (gaslighting) and toxic. Since you have known about this attitude of his for a while it’s honestly a wonder that you decided to marry him.”
“You can’t compromise with people like him, his mind is already set: make up = bad. Either, he genuinely finds it unattractive, and it doesn’t matter how you feel, or he’s insecure and has issues, and believes that wearing make up makes you untrustworthy because it makes you more attractive to other men.”
“Chances are, if you want to be able to wear makeup, without having to sneak around or hide it, then you’d be better off annulling your marriage or divorcing him.”-TooTall2Function
It’s always tough to say goodbye to someone that you have been dating for a long time, but Reddit thinks now is the time to either cut this guy loose or give him an ultimatum.
Hopefully OP finds peace in whichever course of action she pursues.