Cooking for the family requires planning to make sure all the ingredients are available.
But what if the primary cook always seems to need a missing ingredient for every meal?
If they're cooking, does that mean their significant other is obligated to go to the store?
A woman tired of last-minute trips to the grocery store turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Any-Basis4931 asked:
"AITA for refusing to go to the store when my significant other cooks meals for me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My signifiant other (38, male) and I (35, female) have lived together for over a year. His mother and our daughter (13, female) are also in the home."
"We lived together for 8 years and broke it off, but reconnected. This is our second go at it. Life doesn't always happen as planned, unfortunately."
"He is the primary cook in the home as he prefers to cook and is picky about how the food is prepared. He also does the majority of the shopping because he prefers to shop at certain stores."
"I do also cook occasionally and pay for meals when we order out. Additionally, when I give him money to assist with bills, I give extra to help pay for food costs."
"I do also clean the kitchen after each meal which is not a small task because he doesn't clean as he cooks and typically any thing he touches in the meal prep process is left out."
"None of this bothers me so much as when he asks me to go to the store for last-minute ingredients. For some reason, he never has all the ingredients right before the meal needs to be cooked."
"For instance, tonight, he started cooking pasta at 6:45 pm, and right before he cooked, he forgot that we did not have noodles. He started planning dinner at 10 am."
"He then expects me to drop anything I am doing to go to the store to get the items. When I say, 'no, you could have asked earlier or planned better,' he accuses me of being lazy or not helpful."
"Tonight, I just refused to go and explained how it felt controlling and like a test. He ended up going to the store himself."
"He just thinks he shouldn't have to if he is cooking. That's what I take from the arguments that happen after each request."
"He does this during holidays, too. It's happened so much, I know now to ask for days before the holiday and without fail, something is still forgetten."
"Days before the holiday, I asked several times if he needed me to go to the store. Every day leading up to the holiday he says no, then inevitably the day of the holiday, he needs a few ingredients."
"I ask him all the time just to be thoughtful of my time because I could end up having to make trips to the store every day due to his poor planning."
"I am starting to feel he does this as a way to make me earn my meal."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I believe I might be the the a**hole because he is doing the cooking for the family and sometimes I am not doing anything at the time he is asking."
"Sometimes I do go to the store when he requests, but it's like he is just testing my boundaries when this is the only thing I asked him to not do."
"There is a way to be better organized and he won't do that proactively with me, but I always end up being the bad guy in the end."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Ya know, I was ready to go the opposite way here because they're doing most of the mental and physical labor, but who the hell doesn't check if they have pasta before preparing a pasta meal?"
"Plus you're trying to preempt the issue. NTA. He needs to figure out how to shop/ask for materials ahead of time or switch to Blue Apron."
"Yeah, like sometimes life happens, but that's an exception, not a rule. And again, forgetting the pasta? Come on." ~ Reasonable-Ad-3605
"Right? I have ADHD, so sometimes I forget to get things when I'm at the shops, but if I don't have a key ingredient for something I decide to make that night, I change to something else. If I have something planned in advance, I make sure I have the stuff for it in."
"If I decide what to make and my husband isn't in from work yet and I need something, I'll ask him to pick it up, but if he can't, again, I'll change what I'm making."
"He can drive, I can't. But we do have shops within easy walking distance, so if I still really fancy whatever it was, I can walk to the shops."
"It's not that hard."
"He's trying to make his lack of preparation her problem." ~ freckles-101
"For real. NTA. I do all the cooking, planning, and shopping but sometimes the store doesn't have the ingredient when I went or I just completely forget to get it."
"I have totally asked my wife to run to the store real quick to get me an ingredient every so often. Wife is happy to get it because its not every single f*cking time I cook." ~ th30be
"When my ADHD causes me to start cooking without all the ingredients, it is no one's responsibility but my own. I'll change the recipe, or cook something else entirely, or just half a** the meal knowing it won't be as good because I'm out of onion."
"Whatever! What I don't do is expect someone else in the house to drop what they're doing to fix my mistake."
"ADHD may be an explanation, but it's not an excuse for OP's husband doing that over and over. NTA." ~ napincoming321zzz
"ADHD does not cause people to call their significant other lazy, which to me is the biggest problem here. NTA." ~ SophisticatedScreams
"I understand forgetting. Happens to all of us. What I don't understand is making it his partner's problem."
"I can't even imagine starting to cook, realizing that I don't have something, and then asking someone else to run and get it. The solution is to just make something else." ~ heidismiles
"Even if it's actually unintentional, he's STILL being an a**hole about it."
"I have ADHD and am forgetful AF, and this would happen to me often, except that I know it's a problem and therefore have developed a bunch of strategies that address that particular weakness of mine."
"Doesn't mean it never happens, but it's rare, and I know it's a me thing."
"Having a strategy (or five) is just what you do, out even just TRY to do, when it's a 'sh*t, my brain has issues' problem. If it's happening all the time, you should be recognizing it's a problem, and it's a YOU problem."
"So you should be taking steps to address it instead of blaming others and getting snippy. And you do that especially when it's disrupting other people's days. Especially when those are people you care about."
"And this guy does none of that." ~ FeuerroteZora
"It's one thing to forget something like onions when cooking a meal, which can be left out if you forgot it, but if you're making pasta and you forget to buy PASTA, then you're just a sh*tty planner. NTA." ~ numbersthen0987431
"Yeah, 'I'm cooking but instead of it making your life easier, I'll make sure to punish you with a grocery run for benefiting from my princely cooking skills'." ~ earthenlily
"Especially when cooking is something he does because he enjoys it and is picky. She does all the sh*tty chores, he has fun cooking, throws a fit if his lack of planning and 'forgetfulness' are not appreciated, then blames her for being rightfully upset. Class act. NTA." ~ Wonderful_Newt_8393
"NTA if this is a recurring issue. That said, you probably need to have a conversation with him about it at a neutral time and at least offer to adjust who does what chores."
"Let your partner know that you'd like to discuss the division chores. Are you equally happy cooking or cleaning? If so, then talk about it. Say you know he prefers to cook, and you appreciate what he makes (if you do)."
"However, you are also happy to cook for yourself. If he expects you to both clean and go pick up last-minute items at the store when he is cooking, that feels like more work to you than cooking yourself."
"If he feels like he is doing most of the work, could you guys adjust so that you do some of the nights of cooking? Maybe even split the nights evenly and have each person shop and clean up after themselves?"
"That way, it's fair, and no one's cooking style creates extra work for anyone else."
"It sounds like he won't like this, but if you have an issue, you have to be willing to do the work he's doing. Honestly, if this is rare and you like his cooking, I'd do him this favor."
"But if it's happening a lot, maybe agree in advance that either he needs to handle it himself on nights he cooks or that he'll take over cleaning if you have to take an extra trip to the store."
"Honestly, if he has to clean up after himself, he might become neater." ~ TheHatOnTheCat
The division of household chores should mean one person takes responsibility.
But it sounds like the OP's significant other only wants to do the parts he enjoys and has her do everything else. It's time to have a discussion about this issue.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp