While visiting her family, a young woman and her girlfriend encountered uncomfortable interrogations.
Her mother drew upon common lesbian stereotypes to ask a question about the couple’s sex life. Spoiler: the probing did not result in a productive, growth-oriented discussion about homosexuality.
Aptly named wtfmom123 on Reddit, the young woman and her girlfriend hit the road the following morning. She recounted the whole ordeal in a post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” (AITA) subReddit.
She began the story by providing the backdrop of her family’s attitudes toward her sexuality.
“I (23F) am gay, I came out to my family when I was 18 and my family reacted pretty well. Sometimes my mom will say like low key homophobic things but it’s really whatever.”
“I’ve been dating a girl (23F)(Let’s call her K) for about three years now, and I took her home to meet my parents last week. My parents like her and all which is good.”
On this particular occasion, her mom’s pointed question came out of nowhere.
“But this is the convo my mom, K and I had last night. We were all sitting in the living room and she randomly says”
“Mom-‘So who’s the man in the relationship?'”
“Me-‘Umm..what?’”
“Mom-‘Who’s the man. You know. During sex.’”
“Me-‘What the actual f*** kind of question is that?’”
After the explosive response, her mom doubled down nonetheless.
“Mom-‘I’m your mother. I have the right to know that about you.’”
“Me-‘No you don’t. Why would you want to know ANYTHING about your daughter’s sex life? What’s wrong with you?’”
“Mom-‘K, you’ll tell me. Which one of you is the man and which one is the woman? Are you the man?'”
“Me-‘Yeah okay so me and K are tired we are going to bed.’”
Just before retiring for the night, she pulled her mom aside and took the last word.
“K and I stand up and start walking up the stairs.”
“Mom-‘It’s just a simple question! Why does it matter so much?’”
“I tell K to wait on the stairway and I go back down to my mom.”
“Me-‘The fact that you want to know about my sex life is so weirdly disturbing that I don’t even know what to say. What is wrong with you? Jesus F***ing Christ.'”
And although she felt largely certain that she was in the right, she apparently had some second thoughts.
“I was so weirded out by my mom doing this that we left that morning to go back home to our apartment. My mom has texted me a few times asking why I left and why I wouldn’t answer her questions about my sex life but I’ve ignored her.”
“I do feel bad leaving because I haven’t seen my parents or my siblings in a while but wtf. AITA?”
But the saga didn’t end there.
An update to that original post explained her mother’s continued attempts to pursue the question, even from afar.
“She called again today so I picked up. She asks me why we left and I told her that she was asking weird questions and it made us uncomfortable.”
“She then told me that she heard us having sex that night (confusing because we didn’t have sex and my sister is 14 and my brother is 13).”
“When I told her that she definitely didn’t hear anything, she told me that it was rude of me to hide stuff like that from her and that she has a right to know.”
She tried to elaborate exactly why the question was so upsetting.
Again, the efforts were in vain.
“I ended up trying to explain that it was homophobic of her to ask who ‘the man’ is but she kept telling me ‘well someone has to be the man’. Then I kept trying to change the subject and she got mad and hung up when I wouldn’t talk about my sex life.”
Her mom’s sudden and relentless interest was as confusing as it was fascinating.
“This is pretty confusing because she’s never been this interested before. This is the first girlfriend she has actually met so I assume that has something to do with it.”
“Honestly I’d love to ask her weirdly inappropriate questions about her sex life back, but she would probably answer them and I don’t want to know that.”
In response to the post, Redditors shared their takes with most calling the narrator “Not the A**hole,” or “NTA.”
Many elaborated on the homophobic underpinnings of the question.
“NTA. Not only is the whole concept of having a ‘man’ in a relationship made up of two women ridiculous and homophobic, but the fact that she thinks she should know is disgusting.”
“I’m pretty open with my mom about sex, but I’ve never gone into that sort of detail with her.” — lilirose13
“NTA You don’t ask her if she pegs your dad. Heteronormativity is BIZARRE.” — ChickenAndQuaffles
“NTA it’s honestly deeply disturbing for her to ask such an intimate question. She wouldn’t do that to a heterosexual couple so why does she think it’s ok to ask you? Maybe to show her how inappropriate she was being ask her about her sex life.” — habsmoney
“NTA your mom doesn’t respect your boundaries, and she’s homophobic. It’s your call if you want to keep contact with her, but your gf definitely should not be subjected to that. You absolutely did the right thing.” — QuixoticLogophile
Some Redditors took the chance to offer the ideal comebacks to such insensitive comments.
“NTA. It’s disturbing how many straight people think it’s okay to ask these questions of LGBT+ people. Especially relatives!”
“When I’m asked this -typically by men – I reply with ‘Who is the man in your relationship?’ Shuts them up pretty quickly.” — Sowutilikegirlz
“NTA – tbh I would’ve said ‘we both have vaginas mom, nobody is the man in the relationship. That’s kinda the point.’ But you’re response is just as good. She’s not entitled to a response at all.” — dbDarrgen
“I low-key want you to ask the same question to your parents… ‘hey mom and dad, I was wondering, which one of you is the man in the relationship? You know, during sex.'”
“’I have a right to know if mom is the one making the advances and the decisions.’” — luminousfog
“NTA Maybe you can send your mom some links to teach her how to talk to their queer children or something.” — curly_lox
Other comments focused on the cringe factor.
“NTA, it’s quite literally none of her business. You don’t ask her about your parents sex life, she doesn’t ask about yours.” — DrDrexanPhD
“NTA. I had to quit reading half through because your moms question was so cringe worthy that is was physically painful to read. Not at all appropriate for her to ask.”
“Tbh I don’t think she’s homophobic I just think she doesn’t know how to approach the situation with tact based on what I read.” — StrikingDebate2
If the Reddit comments are any guide, mom can expect similar responses for any other cringy, insensitive, homophobic questions in the future.