The last few years have seen real, fundamental changes in how our society perceives "traditional" gender-roles.
Particularly in relationships.
This is to be celebrated, applauded at every opportunity and continued until such constraints are no longer an issue.
However, there are some people who still cling to old ideas, what happens when one of them happens to be your spouse?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Main-Club-2622 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for paying for my own food in front of my husband's brother?"
OP admitted this was an odd quandry.
"I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous to wonder if you're an a**hole about, but please listen on because I am genuinely curious if people think I was in the wrong."
OP explained some of the history involved.
"So me (25 Female) and my husband 30(Male) Louis got into a fight two months ago."
"It involved him bringing up how he pays for most of my stuff."
"For some background Louis's family believes that the man should pay for his wife's things."
"I only let him pay for my things because he insists on doing it."
"I am not saying that I am ungrateful, because I truly am grateful."
"But I don't want to have it thrown in my face that he pays for my things so since then I've payed for my own stuff just fine."
"From time to time he tries but I just stop him and pay for it myself."
"Last night we were at dinner with his brother, Micheal(28M)."
Everything was fine, until...
"It was time to pay, so I ended up paying for myself."
"This morning when I woke up Louis was mad because apparently Micheal has told his other siblings about what happened and joked about it."
"Louis thinks that because of my pettiness they now see him as 'less of a man'".
"I truly wasn't being petty, and I was only doing what I had fell into a habit of which was paying for my own things."
Having egxplained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Some pointed out what a basic problem this was.
"He wants to pay and be able to throw it in her face."
"That's the point, it's a way for the men in his family to assert dominance over the women." ~ PopularParsnip8
"NTA."
"I cant imagine being so insecure that you think your wife paying for food makes you less of a man. Good lord" ~ DrMindbendersMonocle
There were, of course, personal stories.
"I see stuff like this and wonder how other people must view my parents."
"They spend their own money on 'nonessentials' and sleep in separate rooms because they are not sleep compatible (my dad is a violent sleeper and snores like a g*dd*mn train)."
"Can't believe my dad is so unmanly smh" ~ Gloomy_Bad_9606
"A good friend of mine and her husband have separate bedrooms because neither of them like sharing with someone full time."
"My wife and I have separate rooms, 1) because we're not romantically involved, 2) because I dislike sharing a bed most of the time, and 3) because she snores like a bear choking on a chainsaw…"
"She also argues with people in her sleep."
"Ironically we shared a room, but not beds for the first several years we lived together, before ever entertaining the idea of getting married… which was why I insisted on separate rooms eventually."
"We had to share a hotel room recently and I got NO sleep…" ~starshadewrites
"NTA - As someone who was in a relationship with someone who refused to let me pay for things and then the minute we fought threw it back in my face, I applaud you for paying for your own things."
"If he wants to pay for your things, that's his choice but he has no right to bring it up or use it against you afterwards."
"It has nothing to do with misogyny or him being or not being a typical 'man"'.
"It has everything to do with how he complains and makes you feel bad when he chose to pay for things." ~ Aves667
Some blamed society.
"TBF it's because that's not how you were raised. I'm sure if you were told from the age of 5 you're not a man unless you support your wife you'll believe it."
"It's not excusing his behavior but it's learned" ~ theassholethrowawa
"And it can be learned away, too."
"Otherwise our habits and values would match the habits and values of stone age people."
"This questioning of habits and values and deciding to change the bad ones happens when kids grow up to be adults, they start thinking on their own."
"Not sure if OP's husband ever did that."~LookAtNarnia
There was also this interaction which just made me smile.
"Traditions are just peer pressure from dead people" ~ cheerful_cynic
"Traditions can be good, too, like my grandmother had a tradition of inviting the whole extended family over the weekend before Christmas."
"She always brought everyone together."
"It's our responsibility to ditch bad traditions and create good ones instead." ~ LookAtNarnia
Toxic masculinity was brought up more than once.
"NTA."
"Sounds like your husband has a big ego and a fragile sense of masculinity."
"It's pretty garbage to insist that you pay for someone and then throw that back in their face, but you aren't the asshole for not playing his game" ~ rmric0
"Okay but he has been fine with being "less of a man" for two months since it cost him nothing, but he doesn't want his family to know he is?"
"Sorry that's not having a belief, that's just hypocrisy and spinelessness." ~ OrneryDandelion
"He's been fine with her paying her own way for a while without complaining if emasculation, and only now is upset because his family knows."
"He wasn't living on the principles he was raised... he just wanted to look like it when the opportunity benefitted him." ~ WineAndDogs2020
"Big Man complained about it to his wife's face but then felt ashamed in front of his own family. Pathetic." ~ katieleehaw
"I think the whole throwing in your face is part of 'feeling like a man' in cases like this."
"The whole idea is to leverage money to 'win' the relationship. Too bad op has her own money" ~ merrycat
Some wondered why Husband was still around.
"Does hubby want to continue the relationship or is she merely a convenience, something he has to prove he's an adult and a man."
"He clearly resents 'having' to pay for her yet am not offended that she doesn't allow him to keep up the illusion with his family because he is also spineless."
"Why is it always on women to fix relationships and men who can't find out how to function as an adult in a relationship."
"I am begging cis het women to get some standards and realize being single is not the end of the world."
"Cis het men really need to start learning to fix themselves and take the first step to fix their relationships and not rely on women to do it and everyone else need to stop enabling them." ~ OrneryDandelion
"Does he resent to pay for her? Or does he just want to use it to control what she can buy and what she can do with money, and to make her feel like she 'owes' him and she has to do what he wants?"
"Because that is a dynamic that is pretty common, and by paying for herself, she is denying him control over her actions." ~ elder_flowers
Commenters knew wheres to put the blame.
"NTA - HE caused this issue, not you."
"He wants the credit of 'paying for his woman' and 'seeming like a man' but in reality he treats you poorly and gets mad that he pays."
"He needs to pick a side and stick with it!"
"He cant have it both ways."
"Either he pays and shuts up with his resentment towards paying... or you pay your own way and make it known, when asked, that due to his resentment, you now pay for yourself."
"He doesn't get to pretend you are the bad guy to his family when it is HIM choosing not to follow the way his family works." ~ C_Alex_author
"NTA, especially if he makes it a point to bring up that he pays for everything."
"On a side note, it always baffles me that other married couples don't conjoin finances."
"I know its really common, but It seems so strange to me to bring up that I bought my wife something or vice versa."
"I always thought the whole marriage thing was, 'whats yours is mine."' ~ DapperDaleDanTony
"NTA."
"Your husband is the one who complained about paying for you."
"He doesn't also get to keep his image about always paying for you (as a manly man - /s) to his family." ~ ParsimoniousSalad
While the actual article ended up being removed by Reddit's span filters, the conversation it brought about in the comments was an important one.
Be sure that you and those significant to you are on the same page with your 'roles' - or lack thereof - within the relationships you share.
But above all, be kind.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.