As children grow up, there is an expectation that their responsibilities around the house will grow.
This includes helping with cleaning, cooking, and other housekeeping and chores.
That being said, children should still be allowed to be children, so parents shouldn't rely on their children to be the sole cook or cleaner in the house.
Let alone be the primary caregiver for their younger siblings to deflect some responsibility from the parents.
After his parents divorced, Redditor SeaworthinessOdd2477 took it upon himself to take on some extra responsibilities in caring for his younger siblings when their mother was at work.
Upon learning this, the original poster (OP)'s father demanded that he do the same for his new step-siblings.
A demand the OP flatly refused.
Wondering if he was out of line for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my dad's he's crazy if he thinks I'm going to his house during the week just to make food for his stepkids?"
The OP explained why he was not willing to help his step-siblings in the same way he helped his actual siblings:
"My parents are divorced."
"I (16 M[ale]) now live with mom and visit dad every other weekend."
"The change happened about a year ago."
"The judge won't let me stop going on those weekends, but I wish I could."
"I have a younger brother (14) and a younger sister (11)."
"My dad's married and has a stepson (10) and a stepdaughter (7)."
"He asked me a couple of weeks ago to come to his house after school and make food for them before going home."
"He asked this because he found out that I sometimes make food for my siblings when mom works."
"He asked me about it the next weekend I was over there."
"He wanted to know why I never did that at his house."
"I said I just didn't."
"He told me I could have made food for all four of the kids."
"I told him no, that wasn't happening."
"He asked why, and I said because I don't mind making something for me and my siblings, but I'm not making food for just anyone."
"He told me his stepkids are my siblings too, just not by blood, and I told him they're not my siblings, and I never said they were."
"Then, two weeks ago, he asked to go and cook for his stepkids after school."
"This is during weeks my siblings are home with me and mom and weeks they're with him."
"I told him no, and he made that weekend annoying as f*ck."
"My mom told him to leave me alone. I'm a kid, and I already chose not to keep 50/50 custody, so he'd want to cherish the time he has with me."
"He told mom to shut up."
"I didn't do what he asked."
"He then mentioned it to me Sunday and that's when I told him he's crazy if he thinks I'm going to his house for the week just to make food for his stepkids."
"He told me if I can do it for my siblings, I can do it for them."
"I told him I love my siblings."
"That's why I do it."
"Then it was like he focused on me calling him crazy, and he said it's not crazy to expect family to treat each other the same and how I'm showing blatant favoritism for my blood siblings and not my siblings through marriage."
"He told me it's cruel to be so blunt about it."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to cook for his step-siblings.
Everyone agreed that the the OP was absolutely right that cooking for his stepsiblings was not his responsibility and that if anyone was showing "favoritism", it was his father, who seemed to be more concerned that the OP was looking out for his stepchildren than his actual children.
"NTA."
"A 7 and 10-year-old are home alone but can't make a peanut butter sandwich?"
"I feel like this was just him trying to find a way to guilt you into being a free nanny."
"'You came over and prepared food; it'd make them sad if you left so quickly. You should spend time with them!'"- mlc885
"NTA."
"You're not responsible for taking care of your father's stepkids."
"Feeding them is your father's and his wife's job."
"Not yours."
"You do not owe him or the stepkids anything beyond honoring the custody agreement of weekend visits."- Little_Orange2727
"NTA."
"It is on your dad and his wife to feed the kids while they are under his roof."
"You owe him NOTHING beyond visiting him during court-ordered visitation."
"He and wifey can figure out how to feed the kids during the week."- Comfortable-Sea-2454
"NTA."
"His stepchildren are not your responsibility."
"Parents trying to force families to blend often obtain the opposite effect."- 000-Hotaru_Tomoe
"NTA."
"When would you do homework and have a social life if you had to make special trips to your dad's just to fix food for your step-siblings?"
"It's a ridiculous request."- DangerousDave303
"NTA."
"You can tell him to pay you 50$ per meal, and you will cook for his stepkids."
"Why do people feel entitled to your time and effort."- forgeris
"NTA."
"And keep records of this in case it escalates, and you can tell the judge."
"Especially when young kids are home alone, the courts may love that tidbit."
"The parents are perfectly capable of having ready-made snacks available to them."
"Plus, I'm assuming you need to get home to study and maybe have after-school activities."
"All he's doing is pushing you away, and I'm betting his wife is pushing this narrative."
"We are technically related to a lot of people, but that doesn't require us to have to associate with them."- KeyHovercraft2637
"NTA."
"Your visitation with him is every other weekend."
"You have no obligation to visit him during the week."
"Remind him of that."
"It is a parent's obligation to provide food, clothing, shelter, medical and dental for their minor children."
"It is his obligation to provide for you and his wife's obligation to provide for her children."
"You have no obligation to provide food for his stepchildren."
"You have every right to treat your siblings differently than his stepkids; you have a relationship with your siblings and love them."- Clean_Factor9673
"'You're playing favorites!'"
"'Between my siblings and random unrelated children?'"
"'Damn right I am'."
"NTA."
"Document all this and keep it tucked away."
"CPS might be interested."- Cat1832
"NTA."
"You didn't marry anyone."
"Does he have a sibling marriage certificate you signed?"
"When you get married, will he pay for your wife's education?"
"Because she's his daughter through marriage, and he shouldn't play favorites."- iliveinthecove
"Not once did you mention your step-siblings' mother."
"It's baffling that in a household with two adults, they're trying to make you cook for the kids."
"Is it just a way to force you to 'love your step siblings'?"
"Anyway, NTA."- BackgroundCarpet1796
"Where are the parents when the 10 and 7-year-olds are hungry?"
"Are they home alone?"
"It is their parent's responsibility to feed and care for them, not yours."
"Shame on your dad for trying to put that on you and for trying to compare your sibling/step-sibling relationships."
"NTA."- Positive_Comfort1216
"NTA."
"It is cruel to harass you like this."- Adventurous-Term5062
"NTA."
"In Canada, at 16, you can move out."
"I think you are old enough not to go there on weekends anymore if you don't want to."
"You could also ask your mom to return to court to stop going."
"I would stop going myself in your shoes."
"Let him be mad, and then you can go to court about how he only wants you there to parent his other children on days when it's not even his time with you and how he's punishing you for it."-DottedUnicorn
"NTA."
"This makes no sense."
"You cook for your siblings while at your Mom's house."
"Why on earth would your Dad think that you should cook for the steps during the week."
"He is out there for sure."
"There is also no reason for the steps, even if you know you cook for your siblings."
"Dad is trying to force 1) you being at his house more 2) a relationship with the steps."
"Sorry he is being such an a$$."- PurpleStar1965
It's not difficult to see why the OP wishes that the custody agreement was different and that he didn't need to see his father as often as he does.
If this is any indication, it seems that the OP's father doesn't take being a parent seriously and looks for other people to take care of childcare for him.
Even, in the case of the OP, actual children.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.