There are several steps in maintaining a good living situation with one's roommates.
This includes keeping common areas of the apartment clean, not taking up too much time in the bathroom, being quiet when necessary.
And then, of course, there's the issue of rent.
While it is common to simply divide rent evenly between roommates, some roommates don't find that fair.
This could be owing to the fact that one roommate has a bigger room, or that one roommate makes considerably more money than the others.
A roommate of Redditor Flaky_Mortgage_6104 felt that he should be paying a bigger share of the rent after learning how much he made.
But the original poster, (OP), flatly refused to do so, putting a strain on their living situation.
Wondering if his behavior was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole", where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for revealing my salary and refusing to pay more for rent?"
The OP first shared how when his third roommate first moved in to his apartment, the living situation was a practical and happy one.
"I (25 M[ale]) have been sharing my apartment with my friend Alex for 4 years."
"About two months ago Alex asked if I was willing to let a friend of his named Sophie move in with us."
"I agreed because I planned to make a down payment on a house and move out within two years."
"By having Sophie around she could take my place and make it so that Alex does not have to worry about any increases in expenses."
It was when Sophie learned of the OP's profession that things started taking a turn for the worse.
"When Sophie moved in things were good for two weeks until I had to leave for work."
"This was when she learned that I was a Miner and leave for two weeks at a time."
"When I got back my problems with her began when she would constantly talk about climate change."
"She would constantly try to 'educate' us on how and why we should change our habits."
"The real frustration was when she started going after me and my job."
"She would constantly say that within 10 years I will have no job."
"This was accompanied by having this ridiculous and false notion that I am poor and work for minimum wage."
"To try and 'help' me she would constantly give me college program pamphlets and job postings to find a 'better' job."
"The straw that broke the camel's back was when she brought her parents into this."
"Sophie made her parents think I am poor which resulted in them calling me to discuss 'financial assistance'."
"After declining their help and ending the call I was absolutely livid."
"I then sat Sophie down and said that all her talk about my job, finances, and education is really pissing me off and to drop it."
"In response, she said that she is just trying to help someone 'worse off'."
"This is when I snapped at her and not only told her my salary but proof I make 100K per year."
"I then flipped the tables on her and went after her degree in environmental justice."
"I said that it was worthless and she might as well start working at McDonald's to pay off her debt as she will never get a real job."
Upon learning that the OP had a more lucrative career that she did, Sophie's desire to be charitable towards him changed completely.
"After our argument, we didn't really speak with each other until after I returned from my next work period."
"Upon returning this week she started demanding I pay more for rent as I make more and that I should apologize for what I said to her."
"I refused and said that she doesn't like me or the arrangements she is free to leave any time."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to to pay more rent.
Everyone agreed that Sophie got a taste of her own medicine after job shaming the OP, with many finding it curious that she never offered to pay more rent when she assumed the OP was poor.
"Ask her why she never offered to pay more rent than you do when she assumed you were basically destitute."
"Is it only okay to divide rent up based on income when it means other people would pay more than she does?"- SweetPotatoFamished
"NTA."
"More money doesn't mean you cover more bills for people who are housemates."
"I'd suggest to her she find a better job, and say you're just trying to help someone 'worse off'."-Kokbiel
"I have an environmental studies degree and you are NTA."
"And if your roommate had actually learned anything in college, she'd know that this is not how you address environmental issues."- SnailyWhale
"NTA."
"Also she is bonkers and clearly has nothing going on in her life which is why she has ample free time to obsess over you."- zombiemiki
"NTA."
"It's your apartment."
"And it doesn't base rent on salaries."
"She's just upset she's been caught out being condescending and realistically surprised you held off that long."
"What does your other roommate say about it given he invited her?"- Selmo20
"NTA."
"She didn't offer to have you pay less rent when she thought you were poor."- Jennypenny_03
"NTA she was oddly intrusive and forced herself into your your private information so I think she asked for what she got."-GardenDivaESQ
"NTA."
"She effed around and she found out."- PinkedOff
"NTA."
"Sophie is a real AH in general."-BlueMoon5k
"This is obvious rage bait but it's not even particularly well researched."
"Someone doing an environmental degree will often end up in the oil or mining industry finding ways of reducing the impact of the industry on the environment."
"So she could end up working in the mining industry and out-earning him and not getting emphysema."
"But that wouldn't ever give anyone a justice boner."- Cultural-Feedback-53
"NTA."
"I'm all about the environment, and climate change."
"I'm also a supporter of miners and riggers getting training for other work if and when their current careers become obsolete."
"That being said, you have to make a living, and this is what you are trained for, and may find it a fulfilling career."
"If you guys already have a preset rent agreement, she doesn't have the right to demand more from you."
"She also should not be harassing you about your job, nor getting her family involved."
"She was being presumptive, and classist to assume your pay based on the type of job."- Romantic_AroAce
"Nothing wrong with swatting a gadfly."
"NTA."-He_Who_Is_Right_
"NTA."
"She was relishing being a judgmental snob under the guise of 'wanting to help'."
"You showed her she's the one who should be pitied, for more reasons than one."-BogwitchOfTheBog
"NTA this is so weird to me as an Aussie."
"Here everyone knows fifo (fly in fly out)."
"Miners make bank."- Glittering-War-5748
"NTA."
"She was the one that moved in and now she dictates how everyone should pay?"
"Maybe tell her something like you allowed her to live there, she should be thanking you."- spnip
"NTA."
"I'm so glad I live alone."- yonk182
"I would have laughed at her, what can she do?"
Nothing. It's your money."- jrobohn66
"Is her name on the lease?"
"If not, the give her notice and drop her ass to the curb."
"NTA."- randomwriter90
"NTA."
"How entitled!"- OneTwoWee000
"NTA."
"She should have minded her own shit instead."
"And this is coming from someone who has panic attacks from climate change."-Sasefras
"NTA."
"She doesn't know you."
"Your buddy brought her in, you didn't disclose the reason, but it would be ironic if it was because she was struggling to find a place to live, and she has no right to assume you are working minimum wage."
"Where does she get that idea?"
"My feeling is that it may be in part fueled by her opinions as someone who studied environmental justice."
"Saying she won't ever get a real job was a little mean, and it's perfectly normal for people to get well paid jobs in industries completely unrelated to their studies."
"I studied biological sciences and now I work as a fraud analyst at a major bank lol."
"BUT, with that being said, I do think that perhaps she needed that wake-up call."
"She seems to be in over her head and think that now that she has an undergraduate degree, she is an expert."
"Let me guess, she just graduated?"
"Anyways."
"Nope."
"NTA."
"Sounds like she's got a lot of unlearning to do before she's ready for the real world and your comment was the worst she'll receive, then she should consider herself lucky."- AmbiguousLemur
Funny how someone could go so quickly from seeming to worry about someone's financial situation, to demanding they pay up.
Let's hope that the OP can find a house he can afford sooner rather than later, as this living situation is clearly bot a healthy one.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.