Having some "me" time is said to be critical for healthy relationships. But should that time take precedence over the care or comfort of either partner?
A wife whose husband demands extensive time with his friends turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Frosty-Builder-9326 asked:
"AITA for telling my husband he can't hang out with his friends for 10 straight hours?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I am a 28-year-old female. I have been married for 7 years to my husband, 34 and male. Every other week, my husband goes and hangs out with his friends and it's not like they're drinking or going to the bars, they're literally hanging out at one of their houses playing D&D or Magic the Gathering."
"I have no interest in D&D or Magic, so I'm happy that he has a group of friends that he can hang out with. He hangs out with friends from 6:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m. every other Saturday. I don't really say anything to him about it because he does deserve to have time to himself even though it can sometimes be an inconvenience, but telling him to cancel a night due to life events for a fun activity I would like to do can cause him to complain and get upset that he never gets to hang out with his friends."
"We currently share a car after his became unrepairable. I also help take care of my younger special needs brother, so during the weekends, I like to take him out and do something fun for him since he doesn't get to leave the house much during the weekdays."
"My husband asked me today if it was okay for him to hang out with his friends this Saturday. I didn't really have anything planned, so I told them that's fine. Then he told me, 'okay well I'll be gone from noon to 10:00 p.m. Saturday'."
"That caught me off guard, because usually he never takes a full day to hang out with his friends. I asked if he could possibly carpool with a friend so I could have the car, but he said that he would need the car."
"I let him know that I didn't think he needed 10 hours to hang out with his friends and that we could possibly compromise with it, maybe being just 5 hours. He told me that his friends were going to a game store for pre-release and then playing D&D after so they would need the full 10 hours."
"I let him know that he needs to be realistic and understand that it's not fair to take our only form of transportation to go hang out with his friends for 10 hours while I'm here with my special needs brother it's not fair to either of us."
"He ended up getting upset telling me that he didn't go out the last two Saturdays so he deserves time to spend with his friends even though I had nothing to do with him not going the last two Saturdays it was due to the fact that one of his friends was out of state visiting family."
"I'm irritated we've been married for 7 years and when he argues with me on this, I feel like a mom telling her kid that he can't hang out with his friends and it really shouldn't be that way in a marriage."
"Am I being a b!tch for wanting him to be realistic about how much time he spends with his friends?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I feel like I might be an a**hole because my husband at least he doesn't get to spend a lot of time with friends however I feel like he has plenty of time to spend with friends and with us being married sometimes that time is just limited naturally."
"So I told him he can't hang out with him for 10 straight hours he needs to cut the time he hangs out with him so he's also spending time with his family."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Seems like only having one car is the real issue, not him spending 10 hours with his friends. Both of your feelings are valid on this, but as others have commented, there are easy solutions to this."
"1: He takes an Uber or taxi."
"2: You drop him off and pick him up."
"3: His friends pick him up and drop him off."
"I find it hard to believe these are somehow impossible or unaffordable." ~ DarthMaulATAT
"Or we back up even farther and figure out why he doesn't have the money to fix his car..." ~ OrindaSarnia
"OP says it’s unrepairable. Sometimes a car, especially an older one, just isn’t financially viable to repair. So the question would become, can they afford to buy a new one?" ~ HoldFastO2
"Or a second hand one that works." ~ LisaCabot
"Magic the Gathering can be really expensive. My husband has played since before we met. Sold a deck for $600 and that was one of the cheaper ones." ~ EarlGreyTeagan
"For reference, I have individual Magic cards worth more than that deck. It's an expensive hobby." ~ brickspunch
"It's not the 'hanging out with friends' that is the problem, it's being stranded at home without any transportation. Could you not drop him off at his friend's house? There's got to be another solution than leaving you without a way to get around. NTA." ~ moonstone-dragonfly
"Even if she didn't have her brother and nothing planned, it's not fair to leave her home for 10 hours without her car. His car is the one that is broken down."
"If all of his friends are going to the same damn place there is absolutely no reason why he can't ride with one of them."
"She can drop him off at their house if that's easier on his friend but to expect her to give up her car all day long so he can go hang out with his friends who he can ride with is extremely unfair to OP. NTA." ~ PartyCustard3125
"She could drop him off and even pick him up later so she could have the car. OP does not seem to have a problem with him actually going, just the fact that she is stranded with no car. Husband is being a big AH for not considering his wife's situation!" ~ Ok-Practice838
"I got the impression that she was somewhat irritated that he spends so much time on this. I -do- play D&D with my husband and friends, and even I get irritated that so much of my schedule is blocked off from doing other things. It’s a major time commitment."
"The bigger issue (at moment) is her husband is being a pill over carpooling instead of taking the shared vehicle. Or being dropped off and carpooling from there. When you have to share a vehicle, you have to make choices -together- and compromise." ~ SignificantJump10
"As long as you get a reasonable amount of time to hang out with your friends too, having friendships outside of the marriage is valuable. The problem here isn’t the hanging out with friends, it’s the claiming of the car for that length of time. Carpooling with a buddy is reasonable. NTA." ~ SignificantJump10
"OP has a special needs brother. I seriously doubt they get the friend time the husband does." ~ Traveler691
"I divorced my husband for that behavior among other things. He'd leave me alone after surgeries (10+ hours), holidays were always with his family from 8-9am until 9-10pm. I bet there is more that goes on that she hasn't mentioned or even realizes." ~ Charming_Garbage_161
"So, 'Let's all take our individual cars to the game store and then drive to the same place where we will park them for ours while we play games'."
"That's basically what he's suggesting. He's just unwilling to compromise." ~ CathedralEngine
"Why does he need a car to play games? I enjoy magic the gathering also, but I can’t imagine taking someone’s only form of transportation to play, just so I can have the car near me. How stupid. NTA." ~ lakas76
"Honestly, even if she offers to drop him off, it still forces OP to schedule her entire day around his social life just so she can retain her basic independence. The real issue is that he didn't even think to check if his friends could pick him up before deciding to trap his wife at home." ~ Lopsided-Ad-4677
"Monopolizing the only car in the household for 10 hrs of hanging out, and his own convenience, is selfish. Could you maybe drop him off?"
"If he can’t hitch a ride, or get an Uber, maybe he should work on getting his 'unrepairable' car working?"
"NTA. He’s an adult, and can coordinate his transportation for this 10-hr group play date." ~ Crazy-Bovine
"This is a classic case of weaponized communication. He is intentionally framing this as 'my wife won't let me see my friends' to guilt her, when the actual reality is just 'my wife doesn't want to be stranded without a car.' It's Marriage 101 to not take the only vehicle and leave your partner stuck." ~ No-Cantaloupe-9400
OP's issue isn't with her husband's hobbies.
It's his inconsiderate actions that are causing problems.
