Having a tense relationship with one’s mother-in-law is an unfortunate, but all-too-common occurrence.
Such was the case with Redditor Lovablyanonymous, who was also expecting her first child.
Her relationship with her mother-in-law became even more fragile after she refused to let her be in the delivery room with her, and told her she’ll have a pretty full house of visitors after the baby arrives.
But amidst concerns about her behavior, the Original Poster (OP) paid a visit to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), asking fellow redditors:
“AITA for not including my MIL in my post labor plan?”
The OP first shared details of her somewhat problematic relationship with her in-laws, as well as filling Redditors in on details of her marriage.
“Background: Me 30/f[emale] and my husband 27/m[ale] are expecting our first baby.”
“My in-laws and I have never gotten along.”
“They have 2 kids and play favorites pretty hard and surprise my husband isn’t the favorite.”
“I try not to talk to them but my husband is deployed and has been since I was 3 months along.”
“So I try to keep them in the loop because it’s their first grandchild.”
“His mom has constantly rejected me trying to include her. “
“We live streamed ultrasounds so my husband could be part of it and she wanted no part of it.”
“She didn’t want to come to either of my 2 baby showers.”
“So when making my post labor plan I didn’t think to try to include her.”
The OP then revealed her surprise at her mother-in-law expressing interest in becoming highly involved in her post-labor plans.
“My mother-in-law (MIL) messaged me 2 weeks out from my due date asking if she could come take care of me for two weeks since nobody would be here for me.”
“Problem is I have a full month of my family members coming to take care of me and it’s been planned for about 3 months.”
“She was a little hurt even though I told her she can visit whenever she wants but I don’t need more help.”
“After I told her that, she asked if she could be there with me during delivery since her son won’t be there.”
“I told her no, that spot is for my husband and unless they tell me medically I need someone I’m not filling his spot.”
“I’ve done all of this alone so far—labor will be no different.”
“So she cried to her husband about me not wanting her to be a part of anything and I excluded her on purpose.”
“That prompted him to write my husband (who is deployed) a long winded email basically calling me an a**hole.”
“My husband took my side because he’s amazing but took it by saying ‘she’s the one giving birth so what she say goes’.”
The OP concluded her post by expressing how she has been concerned about her behavior in her husband’s absence, and how that may have affected her behavior towards her mother-in-law.
“I know I’ve been a b*tch about people wanting to step in for my husband since he has been gone.”
“I’m afraid I was an a**hole for not including her and he is just trying to back me up because I’m pregnant.”
Fellow redditors weighed in on where they felt the OP fell in this particular situation using the following acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors were firmly in agreement the OP was not the a**hole in this instance.
Many felt the OP’s mother-in-law did not have the interest of the OP in mind, as she clearly only wanted to do everything on her own terms.
“It’s nice she wants to be involved (finally) but she only wants to be involved on her terms, and that’s NOT your problem!
“You’re not exactly cutting her out of your life here, you just prioritized getting help from people who have been more supportive already, and who you are closer with.”
“That’s not only your absolute right, but is smart, and what’s best for you.” – Sassaphras
“MIL basically treated you like dirt and now she wants access to the grandchild and that’s the only reason she’s offered to come and ‘help’.”
“I say ‘help’ because people like that will likely monopolize baby and expect you to wait on THEM, or will have a criticism of you every other sentence.”
“She likely wanted to be in the delivery room so she could brag she met baby FIRST too.”
“(OK maybe none of this would happen, but I’ve read enough stories where it has to be cynical.)”
“I’m glad you have support, your husband is behind you, and I sincerely hope you are not tempted to give in.”
“Congratulations on your upcoming arrival!” – Catatomical
“Look she doesn’t care, not at all.”
“She’s only interested in playing ‘show’ grandma.”
“Someone who hogs baby and takes Facebook photos to ‘prove‘ she’s a great lady and a loving grandma.”
“Yeah she ain’t, you invite her around post birth and she will ruin your postpartum experience (baby hog, sit there demanding you wait on her hand and foot, refuse to hand baby back, make passive aggressive comments etc) causing you all sorts of stress in an already vulnerable period.”
“Look up the 4th trimester.”
“She‘s treated you like crap since you’ve known her, don‘t believe she’s changed.”
“Also if someone treats you like crap then there’s no guarantee they won’t do the same to your kids if they put a foot wrong (or when golden child has a baby yours will be cast aside).”
“Protect yourself and your kid.” –DinosaurDomination
Some were less subtle in their opinions the OP’s mother-in-law was the clear a**hole in this situation.
“NTA How could you be an AH by not wanting an AH around while you are pushing out a HUMAN out of your body?”
“Also, she ‘snoozed-and-lose’d’ on the post-labor help.”
“You were supposed to specifically ask for help from someone who hadn’t offered, when you have a full month of nice family members lining up to help already? “
“She can visit.”
“That’s enough.” –wheretheFdoistart
A number of Redditors even advised the OP to warn hospital staff her mother-in-law is not welcome in the delivery room when the baby arrives.
“Be sure to notify the hospital that you don’t want MIL showing up during your labor and delivery.” – wind-river7
The OP revealed she did invite her mother-in-law to visit after everyone who had already scheduled a visit had left, but was not surprised by the mother-in-law’s response.
“I actually did offer that and she turned it down because of scheduling.”
The OP also shared she believes her mother-in-law’s resentment stems from her personal upbringing.
“No she really doesn’t like my family because my parents are divorced.”
The overall consensus was the OP’s mother in law should consider herself lucky the OP is willing to let her be part of her impending grandchild’s life at all.
One can only hope this soon-to-be grandmother can work towards a healthier relationship with her son and her daughter in-law.
Otherwise, she might soon find herself not being part of her grandchild’s life.