Sometimes, it's nice to have an unexpected visitor.
As you might have been feeling lonely, and a friend stopping by might prove to be just the ticket.
Most of the time, however, we tend to like at least a small heads-up that someone is on their way to see us.
Especially if they expect to be catered to.
The wife of Redditor Wrong_Basket_6811 was looking forward to a quiet, relaxing escape to her grandparent's cabin.
Much to her dismay, she was greeted by an unannounced visitor, who even expected the original poster (OP)'s wife to prepare meals for her and entertain her.
Annoyed that this wasn't the case, the OP clapped back claiming that she was an "unwanted guest" in the first place.
Fearing he may have been out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my mom she's was an unwanted guest?"
The OP explained why he felt the need to put his mother in her place:
"My wife has had a stressful time at work and was looking forward to a vacation at her grandparents cabin."
"She brought a few books she wanted to read and I brought my fishing rod."
"She had no plans to entertain."
"My dad stopped by to go fishing."
"It was supposed to be just my dad stopping by for the day but somehow my mom inserted herself and I was shocked to see her."
"My wife had no plans to entertain her."
"I told my mom that."
"My mom bought stuff for lunch and dinner and tried to engage my wife into making dinner for us all and my wife said no."
"She's relaxing and reading."
"If my mom wanted to cook that's my mom's prerogative."
"My dad and I get back late and at the table my mom started to complain how she did this all herself."
"I looked at my wife who just took her plate and ate in her room."
"My mom started to complain to me about it and I told my mom 'she technically wasn't invited and my wife had no expectations to entertain her in my wife's cabin while my wife is on vacation'."
"My mom started saying well she wouldn't have came if she knew that."
"I told my mom next time take the hint."
"If you aren't invited don't come."
"My parents left after dinner."
"My mom complained that my wife should have tried to be a gracious hostess and I said maybe my mom should try not being an unwanted guest."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no support from the Reddit community.
Some had trouble sympathizing with anyone other than the OP's wife, agreeing that her hopes for a relaxing weekend were dashed by everyone, including the OP:
"ESH."
"Honestly if I were your wife I would have been FURIOUS that you went off fishing with Dad and left me alone with your unwanted mother."
"One of the biggest issues I have is a lack of alone time in my day to day life; if I'd been looking forward to an entire day alone in a cabin and then my partner's mom showed up, I would be so upset for him to leave me with her and continue with his plans."
"Especially given her character as described."
"OP, you told your mom that wife wasn't there to entertain her, but from all of your comments, you seem to be fully aware that your mother doesn't recognize boundaries and doesn't take no for an answer."
"Therefore I must conclude that you knew she wouldn't just accept your statement and would spend the day badgering your wife."
"You should have either taken mom fishing with you or sent them both home."
"Your wife shouldn't have had to lock herself in the bedroom all day and ruin her alone time so that you could fish with your dad and avoid your bully mom."
"Your wife did an excellent job handling an annoying imposition."
"Next time don't put your wife in that position, take care of it yourself."- mellow-drama
"ESH except your wife."
"You invited your dad, he brought your mom, and you left your wife to deal with her."
"You should have brought your mom fishing or sent both parents home."- no_good_namez
"ESH."
"Except wife."
"Your mom sucks for coming at all."
"Your dad sucks for letting your mom come."
"You suck for inviting your dad to a peaceful cabin weekend at a property that doesn't belong to you without the explicit consent of the owners AND your wife."
"You suck for continuing to go fishing with your dad leaving your mom anywhere near your wife!"
"You should've told her to go home or spend the day anywhere else."
"It doesn't matter if she had to drive back for your dad, she wasn't supposed to be there!"- Jmfroggie
"ESH except your wife."
"The second your mother showed up you should've told them both that this wasn't part of the plan and should've asked them to leave."
"Instead, you left your wife with your mother and spent the entire day gone."
"You eventually did the right thing but it should've happened way sooner."
"You know your mother has a history of doing this and neither you nor your dad did anything to stop it."
"If I had to guess, your dad is probably a 'you know how she is' enabler and no one likes to rock the boat with her."
"Good on your wife that she sticks to her boundaries."- Gringa-Loca26
While others felt the OP was the sole a**hole, for not explaining the situation more explicitly to his parents, particularly his mother, and then being a bit overly harsh toward her.
"YTA I have a different take."
"You should have spoken to both of your parents and explained that this was just a fishing day and if your mom wanted to fish she was welcome to join you and your dad but that your wife was relaxing at the cabin so wouldn't be entertaining her so it was best for your mom to either stay home or go fishing."
"When she showed up uninvited you should have encouraged her to fish with you and then had a private conversation with your dad about how you were disappointed that he allowed this and that you would have to rethink future invitations."
"Also, you shouldn't have stayed out late fishing when you knew your mom was at the cabin."
"You should have cut the fishing time short instead of leaving your wife with your mom all day."
"YTA for making sure that your day wasn't ruined, only your wife's."- blueswan6
"YTA due to your actions towards your wife, not to your mom."
"If you have a member of your own family show up uninvited and unwanted, it is your job to either get them to leave OR stay there to entertain them."
"You did neither."
"I get you had other plans, but those plans should have gotten cancelled because of you needing to deal with the uninvited guest situation."
"The fact that you left and allowed the uninvited guest to stay put a burden on your wife and also implied that you were ok with that guest being there."
"You (unintentionally) told your mom through your actions of going ahead with your own plans that you were actually ok with her being there, and the fact that you left means that you kind of threw the ball to your wife to entertain her."
"I know you said exactly one sentence to the contrary, but all of your other actions said the opposite. Actions speak louder than words, and your actions (leaving rather than dealing with the situation) created a conflict between your mom and your wife that never needed to exist."- stilldebugging
"Maaate."
"YTA."
"Your first paragraph tells you, YTA."
"Your wife has had a stressful time at work."
"The trip to the cabin is an escape for her - no finger lifting, no hosting."
"So what do you do?"
"You invite your dad."
"Knowing from past experience your mom will likely jump in because as you say, she does this All The Time."
"And then you leave the two of them to it because you and your dad r 'gone fishin''."
"Bet you two had a great time."
"And then you come back to find your wife has been made to feel uncomfortable and restricted in her own family's place."
"Again, knowing that your mom invites herself and behaves this way 'all the time'."
"Drama ensues."
"How restful for your wife."
"You blame your mom for all this, get a few digs in."
"Dude wipe the dirt and denial off that mirror, that's You staring back at yourself."
"You're to blame."- gordiesgoodies
Without an invitation, the OP's mother shouldn't have gone to the cabin, or anywhere, expecting to be waited on.
However, seeing as everyone seemed to be partaking in a little quiet escape, it couldn't have felt good to be the odd one out.
Had the OP made the situation clear to her, all the unpleasantness could have likely been avoided.
And his wife could have had the quiet relaxing weekend she was hoping for.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp