Content Warning: Death, Trauma
Grief is a complicated, sneaky entity because it impacts each person it touches differently, making each person’s grieving process just as individual and unpredictable.
Add to grief something as devastating as being the person to find a late loved one, and it would be a recipe for complications in future relationships, cringed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Popular-Society-5102 had a wonderful relationship with her mother-in-law and loved her dearly, though she’d heard stories of how much she changed when she discovered her late husband after a heart attack.
But the Original Poster (OP) never could have expected what she would do while visiting after the OP had to stay in the hospital for a terrible infection.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for being shook up when I woke up with my mother-in-law (MIL) in bed next to me?”
The OP felt very loved by her husband and her mother-in-law.
“I (29 Female) married my husband (29 Male) last April, and we’re incredibly happy. We’ve been together for 10 years, and he is truly my soulmate.”
“I’ve also been so very lucky to have an AMAZING relationship with his parents. His mom considers me her daughter and is an absolute angel of a human being.”
“Ironically enough, the extent of her love for me has been the only thing that has kind of caused a bit of discomfort exclusively on my end.”
The OP, her husband, and her mother-in-law all expressed love in different ways.
“For reference, I was raised by a single mother who is not huge on emotional displays or physical touch. I never doubted that she loved me, but we both enjoy our personal space.”
“My husband definitely is a bigger fan of physical touch than I am, but he has always respected my boundaries and never gets sad or upset if I tell him no. He is also not big on emotions, and it took a while to get him to open up back when we first started dating.”
“My MIL, on the other hand, wears her heart on her sleeve and is the kind of person who’s liable to cry over the beauty of a flower on the sidewalk, or any time she has to say goodbye to us.”
“She loves a good extended hug, multiple kisses on the cheek, just some form of physical contact at all times (for example, hand on the back, arm firmly around the waist, etc).”
“Over the years, she’s gotten so much better about asking before grabbing and respecting my boundaries, which is why this surprised me so much.”
The OP’s mother-in-law also had a tragic backstory.
“I also need to mention that my husband’s father died of a massive heart attack in his sleep when my husband was four years old.”
“My MIL found him in bed next to her when she woke up, and she’s never really been the same since then.”
“She got remarried when my husband was in elementary school, but she never did counseling or worked through the trauma of that experience.”
“We actually both wear their wedding rings, and it means a lot to us.”
While hosting the family for the holidays, the OP’s mother-in-law did something she never would have expected.
“We hosted my husband’s family for the holidays, and my MIL came a few days early to help, as I was freshly discharged from the hospital and my husband had to work. I had just spent several weeks in the hospital fighting a horrible infection, and I was still pretty weak.”
“My husband has to be to work early, around 7:30, and so I usually sleep through him leaving.”
“This particular morning, I wound up sleeping until almost 9:00 AM, and when I woke up, I stretched my arms out and felt someone in bed next to me.”
“Initially, I thought my husband had overslept, but when I opened my eyes, I immediately made eye contact with my MIL, who had taken up residence on his side of the bed.”
“She wasn’t sleeping, or even on her phone. She was just kind of looking at me and smiling.”
“My knee-jerk reaction was unfortunately to yell a few profanities and launch myself out of the bed. Once I realized it was her, I started apologizing profusely, but I could tell my reaction made her sad.”
The OP was at a loss for what to do about what happened.
“I honestly just don’t know how to talk to her about it, or if I even should.”
“My husband was absolutely horrified and has offered to talk to her himself, but I’m not sure.”
“I know she wouldn’t be upset with me at all if I told her that was inappropriate. I just hate how upset this has made me and how much it shook me up.”
“Should I have the conversation or am I overreacting?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that she had a very human, biological response to the discovery.
“Honestly, this doesn’t make you rude; it makes you human. Set boundaries. Everyone adjusts.” – BloomBarkMeow
“Your reaction was human, she might’ve meant well, but that’s still not okay to just hop in bed.” – TeaseSnug8
“NOR. I’d have the same reaction to anyone else in my bed that isn’t my husband, kid, dog, or maybe my bestie as a joke. Absolutely not; what the f**k?” – Sami_George
“My husband had an overnight shift last night, and I somehow didn’t wake up when he got home. When my alarm went off, I went to throw my pillow next to me and accidentally hit a very solid object.”
“Scared the absolute p**s out of me for a second until my brain caught up to what happened, LOL.”
“And that was my HUSBAND who sleeps with me EVERY NIGHT when he’s not doing graveyard. I can’t imagine experiencing a break in routine like this” – vakoo123
“I am GLAD you had such a strong and natural reaction. That is a bats**t crazy thing for her to do, and your husband needs to straighten her out ASAP.” – Top-Bit85
Others agreed and pointed out that this was not normal behavior.
“Getting into bed with someone while they sleep and then just staring at them is not kind or normal.”
“The touchy thing, you’ll just have to try to control with body language, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with her in the house overnight.” – catsloveparacord
“What she did was crazily inappropriate. It’s not ‘cute’ to invade people’s privacy. It’s not loving or adorable to flatly refuse to give people space.”
“And guess what? She knows that. She just gets away with it. I would personally invite her over massively less often.” – TraditionalManager82
“OP, what she did was in no way normal.”
“This isn’t about you not liking to be touched. It’s about her being weird. Was she super drunk or high? Because that is what I would assume if someone pulled that. That’s really the only way I might be able to mildly excuse it and not be afraid and distrusting of them for the rest of our relationship.” – JustAsICanBeSoCruel
“This has nothing to do with the fact that you don’t like being touched.”
“Imagine you had a son, can you imagine yourself climbing into bed with your son’s wife WHILE SHE’S ASLEEP?!”
“It’s f**king weird and creepy, and honestly, you’ve been way too nice about this.”
“I’m sure lots of people who’ve done HORRIBLE things are pretty nice most of the time. That doesn’t detract from what they did at all.” – Party-Boat-1131
“Why are you defending a person climbing into your bed while you are sleeping? Do you have some sort of history of abuse or something that might make you think any of this is normal?”
‘Your reaction, as described in your story, is the only normal reaction you have been having. Defending your MIL and arguing about how nice she is is the odd response.”
“A more normal response would include things like demanding an explanation and apology or banning her from sleeping at your home and restricting access to you. Please do not feel guilty, and protect yourself.” – AdministrativeSea419
The OP appreciated the feedback, though she wasn’t sure how to talk to her mother-in-law about what happened and why it upset her.
“Thank you, all, for being so kind and thoughtful.”
“I’m still kind of going back and forth on whether I have my husband talk to her first and then I sit down with both of them, or if I should just sit down with her myself without involving him.”
“The thing is, telling her how uncomfortable and scared this made me won’t anger her or anything, she’ll just be really sad she scared me and will probably feel embarrassed. Like, this won’t destroy my relationship with her, but I’m just terrible at handling super emotional people.”
“My husband absolutely would talk to her without me even asking him to; this situation totally enraged him. He loves her (of course), but he doesn’t tolerate any kind of behavior that makes me uncomfortable, point-blank. He’s talked to her about it before, a few years back, and that’s when she got better about asking permission.”
“I never got an answer as to what she was doing. To be honest, I was so shaken up by finding her that I didn’t even think to ask. I’m thinking it’s definitely time for a hard conversation. As I said, she’s gotten much better about asking before hugging me or touching me, and she’s even started reading my body language pretty well, which is why this was so freaking surprising. Maybe she thought that since she wasn’t touching me, I’d be fine with it?”
“We really do have a wonderful relationship, and this won’t ruin it. Her behavior was absolutely 100% bats**t insane, I totally admit that, but if you knew her, it wouldn’t sound quite as crazy. We’ve told this story to a couple of my husband’s friends, and the general consensus was, ‘That’s wild, but also that totally tracks.'”
The subReddit was alarmed on the OP’s behalf, not just because of what happened, but because she was so much more protective of her mother-in-law’s feelings than her own.
But this was one of those boundary breaks that, if left unchecked, would likely be repeated, and if the OP really didn’t like being touched or having her personal space invaded that much, her mother-in-law’s behavior would soon start to impact their relationship, whether the OP wanted that or not.