No person’s life will be exactly the same from start to finish, and some will dramatically change over the course of time, from their relationships to their careers to raising a family.
But if a person hasn’t adequately prepared for, say, a career change, they might not be the most successful in their execution, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Silly-Ranger-8435 was preparing to retire from the military and was looking forward to being home more and spending more time with his teenage children.
Since his wife had always been a stay-at-home wife and mom, with little to no work experience, the Original Poster (OP) hoped she’d be able to work part-time to stabilize their income, but he wasn’t sure how it was going to work out.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my wife that being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) to teenagers isn’t a full-time job?”
The OP’s wife had always been a stay-at-home mom.
“My wife (37 Female) and I (37 Male) have been married for 15 years. We have two kids who are now 14 and 12, both in school from 7:30 AM to 3:00 PM.”
“The bus picks them up from the front of our house and drops them off. Sometimes they’ll have afterschool activities and stay until 5:00 PM, and I’ll go pick them up after I get out of work on those days.”
The OP broached the subject of his wife going to work.
“They’re becoming more independent now, and I had a discussion with my wife about how she could get a job (she’s never had one besides being a stay-at-home mom) now that the kids are older and I’m retiring from my 20-year military career and could stay home and be a stay-at-home dad now.”
“She doesn’t enjoy cooking or cleaning, so I figured it’d be best if I step into those roles so we can eat less takeout and a healthier diet.”
“The kids eat breakfast and lunch at school, and when they go to school, she typically goes to the gym, yoga, then goes for coffee, browses social media, then shopping or window shopping, or goes and does her hair, nails, eyebrows, eyelashes, makeup, etc., and then comes home to cook dinner.”
The OP’s wife was not pleased with the suggestion.
“I brought it up as gently as I could, but she still called me ungrateful and accused me of ‘not appreciating all the hard work she does in the house.'”
“Now there’s tension, and she’s acting cold towards me.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Practically speaking, some questioned how the OP’s wife could find a job to support them after being out of the workforce for so long.
“NTA, but she’s not going to be able to suddenly get a decent job after being out of the workforce since her early twenties.”
“She’s spent all that time facilitating his career instead of building her own, and that’s valuable work that should be recognised. Does he really want her to go and get a minimum wage job just to prove a point?” – Upper-Ship4925
“I’m not really sure how this woman with no career experience is expected to support the family suddenly. Maybe she could get a job, but like, the pay expectations can’t be that high without the work experience.” – arebum
“A lot of people are pointing out that she has not worked for 15 years, but she’s a SAHM who doesn’t cook or clean either, which begs the question of what exactly she does during the day? From what OP said nothing meaningful.”
“OP, she’s been free-loading for a while on all fronts for a sec, it seems. She isn’t stopping.” – bagfka
“I’m a SAHM. My kids are in elementary school, and I’m currently going back to school (medical field) with the goal of being the primary income for this reason. Plus. You never know when something might go wrong, and now you have to be the primary income with zero options besides being a minimum wage worker.”
“My husband works a physically demanding job, and my goal is to make it so he can be Mister Mom for a stretch or explore his options without having to break his back while seeking an education or pivoting to something he actually likes doing. I’ve had my time getting to sleep in and going on field trips, I want to give him his before they’re all too old to make the memories.” – Odd-Concept-8677
“NTA, but you’re 15 years too late having this conversation.” – Novelsound
Others cringed and agreed, believing that it sounded like the OP’s wife didn’t want to work.
“My gut says you’re screwed on this one. She’s never had a job and doesn’t sound like she wants one. So what is your post-military career going to be?” – Late-Judge8847
“Did you have this discussion about her getting a job once the children became more independent, or this just another back burner issues you both ignored before she got pregnant? The kids are 14 and 12. If the discussion didn’t happen a decade ago, now is the next best time to have it.”
“Like, ‘Yes, I value everything you did when the kids were little and you did a wonderful job as their primary caregiver. They are no longer little and all our roles are evolving.'”
“Kids and their activities also get more expensive when they get into their teens, and it does make sense to now have another income to support that.” – mthockeydad
“I’m a SAHP, and last year was the first year my kids were both in school. I do all the housecleaning, errands/grocery shopping, cooking, plus volunteer at the school. I still have free time and get to work out every day, and I still have time for my hobbies.”
“I can’t imagine what this lady is doing all day while her house is messy and she isn’t preparing food for anyone! My spouse and I have joked about switching roles, but I love cooking/baking and cleaning while he doesn’t, so this works for us!” – bokatan778
“She’s 37 and never had a job. She’s not starting now. Now, when the kids were little? H**l yes, SAHM is basically a fully time job if not more.”
“To a 12 and 14-year-old? F**king h**l, make sure they do their homework and sometimes drive them places.” – sohcgt96
“Was it always the plan for her to work through your retirement? Not saying she couldn’t or shouldn’t-just wondering. If she has no formal training or education, how much would you expect her to contribute financially?”
“If this had been your plan, you should have suggested it years before that she maybe start with part-time or contract work, maybe even work from home. Just wondering what you were expecting the outcome to be if she had been open to the idea.” – Tough-Astronomer-456
But some were critical of the OP, questioning if he was giving his wife the proper credit.
“I think he needs to be honest with himself. Because I think he’s minimizing her activities and making her seem like a frivolous airhead online, when in reality she contributes more to the household that he will admit. He says she doesn’t like to cook and clean, not that she doesn’t do those things.”
“The groceries have to get bought, the meals planned, the schedules done, the appointments made, there’s always some phone call to make or email to send or terrible customer service rep to deal with because the electric bill tripled this month and it has to be dealt with, the kids do activities, so the equipment has to be researched and bought and, ‘oh no, mom, I have a project due tomorrow and I need a poster board RIGHT NOW!'”
“I know if I was doing all that and saw that the man who is supposed to love me told the entire Internet that all I do is window shop all day, I’d be pretty hurt.” – KarateandPopTarts
“The reason he had his career was because she facilitated that. The reason she could be a stay-at-home mom is because he facilitated that. You have to think of things as equal or this is going to be a long resentful road to divorce.” – nontruculent21
“The thing that stood out to me was how he want to be the stay-at-home parent now it’s (apparently) easier with the kids being teens. NTA, but it’s not a good look.”
“Also, kids don’t get easier because they get older. Their needs are just different. There’s a lot of info missing from his post. Do they need the money and if so, is the minimum wage job she’s likely going to get due to no work history or experience going to help that much with finances?”
“If she goes to work is he assuming a SAHD role and does the myriad of things he didn’t mention because he may have no idea about all the behind-the-scenes stuff she really does? What was their agreement prior to having children?” – pharston68
“I’m currently a mostly SAHM to three teens (I have a very part-time job), and I honestly don’t have a ton of spare time. In addition to the obvious stuff, like cooking and cleaning (which shouldn’t be dismissed, as it takes a pretty significant portion of time), I am driving the kids places, taking them to the doctor, dentist, orthodontist, helping with homework, dealing with our two dogs and managing all the vet, groomer, bathing, etc.”
“I do all the laundry, make sure the house stays stocked with all the various things everyone needs, paying bills, dealing with random household stuff that pops up (I sat in a car dealership service department for three hours one day last week while a minor repair took way longer than expected). The list goes on and on.”
“And yeah, I have time to work out most days, I meet with my therapist once a week, and I do get together with friends a couple of times a month.”
“However, there were MANY years when the kids were young that I didn’t have a moment to myself to ever take care of myself, so I will feel zero guilt for having the spare time to do those things now. Anyway, maybe his wife does basically nothing around the house, but my guess is there is a lot he is overlooking.” – No_Refrigerator_4990
“I am a SAHM to two young but school-aged kids, and my husband and I just had this conversation during a yearly date night/SOTU conversation. I’ve been feeling especially anxious about my contributions to the household recently, and reading posts like this make me feel so awful, because on the surface my life might look exactly like this.”
“During our talk, before I could even express my feelings on inadequacy, my husband said just what you said, nontruculent21. He’s grateful for me.”
“My contributions facilitated the career trajectory he’s had, and I was near tears knowing he felt that way, because sometimes the slog of all the emotional labor and the background admin parenting things, and, yes, the cooking and cleaning lay me flat, but it’s my role, and I do it. Unfortunately, my little bosses are maniacs, and my performance reviews from them are inconsistent.”
“I recognize this is a privilege. We don’t worry about money, but nothing in the OP suggests they do, either (I haven’t checked to see if he’s added more context in the comments, though). When we started a family, my earning potential was already laughable compared to my husband’s.”
“I can’t imagine what it looks like after removing myself from the workforce for years. I can tell you any job I get wouldn’t keep us afloat in the way we’re accustomed to, and I don’t think I’d need to start entry level, but it sure as hell wouldn’t be mid-to-upper level management (where I’d be if I hadn’t left my job).”
“In contrast, OP may struggle greatly with leaving the military (he may be currently struggling with the looming change), and HE may want to find work at some point (watching my father leave the fire service after 30 years was rough on all of us!). His suggestion feels like it’s coming from a place of controlling his own anxiety rather than looking out for his family.” – lessthanthreesquared
This was a tough situation for the OP and his wife to be in, and it was certainly a conversation that should have come up years ago so the two could plan, possibly get the OP’s wife some work experience, and otherwise decide what their options were.
But while some were fixated on the unlikeliness of the OP’s wife having a successful career now, and struggled to believe that she would even want one because of her schedule that the OP described, others believed that the OP wasn’t giving her enough credit.
It was easy enough to assume a woman was lazy and didn’t want to work if their husbands described them as someone who spends almost the entire day every day delegating responsibilities to other people and getting pampered.
But the reality of this was that getting pampered wasn’t a daily occurrence, and there were likely many tasks that she completed that the OP wasn’t even aware of, let alone considering that he’d be responsible for if he became the stay-at-home parent.