No person's life will be exactly the same from start to finish, and some will dramatically change over the course of time, from their relationships to their careers to raising a family.
But if a person hasn't adequately prepared for, say, a career change, they might not be the most successful in their execution, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Silly-Ranger-8435 was preparing to retire from the military and was looking forward to being home more and spending more time with his teenage children.
Since his wife had always been a stay-at-home wife and mom, with little to no work experience, the Original Poster (OP) hoped she'd be able to work part-time to stabilize their income, but he wasn't sure how it was going to work out.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my wife that being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) to teenagers isn't a full-time job?"
The OP's wife had always been a stay-at-home mom.
"My wife (37 Female) and I (37 Male) have been married for 15 years. We have two kids who are now 14 and 12, both in school from 7:30 AM to 3:00 PM."
"The bus picks them up from the front of our house and drops them off. Sometimes they'll have afterschool activities and stay until 5:00 PM, and I'll go pick them up after I get out of work on those days."
The OP broached the subject of his wife going to work.
"They're becoming more independent now, and I had a discussion with my wife about how she could get a job (she's never had one besides being a stay-at-home mom) now that the kids are older and I'm retiring from my 20-year military career and could stay home and be a stay-at-home dad now."
"She doesn't enjoy cooking or cleaning, so I figured it'd be best if I step into those roles so we can eat less takeout and a healthier diet."
"The kids eat breakfast and lunch at school, and when they go to school, she typically goes to the gym, yoga, then goes for coffee, browses social media, then shopping or window shopping, or goes and does her hair, nails, eyebrows, eyelashes, makeup, etc., and then comes home to cook dinner."
The OP's wife was not pleased with the suggestion.
"I brought it up as gently as I could, but she still called me ungrateful and accused me of 'not appreciating all the hard work she does in the house.'"
"Now there's tension, and she's acting cold towards me."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Practically speaking, some questioned how the OP's wife could find a job to support them after being out of the workforce for so long.
"NTA, but she's not going to be able to suddenly get a decent job after being out of the workforce since her early twenties."
"She's spent all that time facilitating his career instead of building her own, and that's valuable work that should be recognised. Does he really want her to go and get a minimum wage job just to prove a point?" - Upper-Ship4925
"I'm not really sure how this woman with no career experience is expected to support the family suddenly. Maybe she could get a job, but like, the pay expectations can't be that high without the work experience." - arebum
"A lot of people are pointing out that she has not worked for 15 years, but she's a SAHM who doesn't cook or clean either, which begs the question of what exactly she does during the day? From what OP said nothing meaningful."
"OP, she's been free-loading for a while on all fronts for a sec, it seems. She isn't stopping." - bagfka
"I'm a SAHM. My kids are in elementary school, and I'm currently going back to school (medical field) with the goal of being the primary income for this reason. Plus. You never know when something might go wrong, and now you have to be the primary income with zero options besides being a minimum wage worker."
"My husband works a physically demanding job, and my goal is to make it so he can be Mister Mom for a stretch or explore his options without having to break his back while seeking an education or pivoting to something he actually likes doing. I've had my time getting to sleep in and going on field trips, I want to give him his before they're all too old to make the memories." - Odd-Concept-8677
"NTA, but you're 15 years too late having this conversation." - Novelsound
Others cringed and agreed, believing that it sounded like the OP's wife didn't want to work.
"My gut says you're screwed on this one. She's never had a job and doesn't sound like she wants one. So what is your post-military career going to be?" - Late-Judge8847
"Did you have this discussion about her getting a job once the children became more independent, or this just another back burner issues you both ignored before she got pregnant? The kids are 14 and 12. If the discussion didn't happen a decade ago, now is the next best time to have it."
"Like, 'Yes, I value everything you did when the kids were little and you did a wonderful job as their primary caregiver. They are no longer little and all our roles are evolving.'"
"Kids and their activities also get more expensive when they get into their teens, and it does make sense to now have another income to support that." - mthockeydad
"I'm a SAHP, and last year was the first year my kids were both in school. I do all the housecleaning, errands/grocery shopping, cooking, plus volunteer at the school. I still have free time and get to work out every day, and I still have time for my hobbies."
"I can't imagine what this lady is doing all day while her house is messy and she isn't preparing food for anyone! My spouse and I have joked about switching roles, but I love cooking/baking and cleaning while he doesn't, so this works for us!" - bokatan778
"She's 37 and never had a job. She's not starting now. Now, when the kids were little? H**l yes, SAHM is basically a fully time job if not more."
"To a 12 and 14-year-old? F**king h**l, make sure they do their homework and sometimes drive them places." - sohcgt96
"Was it always the plan for her to work through your retirement? Not saying she couldn't or shouldn't-just wondering. If she has no formal training or education, how much would you expect her to contribute financially?"
"If this had been your plan, you should have suggested it years before that she maybe start with part-time or contract work, maybe even work from home. Just wondering what you were expecting the outcome to be if she had been open to the idea." - Tough-Astronomer-456
But some were critical of the OP, questioning if he was giving his wife the proper credit.
"I think he needs to be honest with himself. Because I think he's minimizing her activities and making her seem like a frivolous airhead online, when in reality she contributes more to the household that he will admit. He says she doesn't like to cook and clean, not that she doesn't do those things."
"The groceries have to get bought, the meals planned, the schedules done, the appointments made, there's always some phone call to make or email to send or terrible customer service rep to deal with because the electric bill tripled this month and it has to be dealt with, the kids do activities, so the equipment has to be researched and bought and, 'oh no, mom, I have a project due tomorrow and I need a poster board RIGHT NOW!'"
"I know if I was doing all that and saw that the man who is supposed to love me told the entire Internet that all I do is window shop all day, I'd be pretty hurt." - KarateandPopTarts
"The reason he had his career was because she facilitated that. The reason she could be a stay-at-home mom is because he facilitated that. You have to think of things as equal or this is going to be a long resentful road to divorce." - nontruculent21
"The thing that stood out to me was how he want to be the stay-at-home parent now it's (apparently) easier with the kids being teens. NTA, but it's not a good look."
"Also, kids don't get easier because they get older. Their needs are just different. There's a lot of info missing from his post. Do they need the money and if so, is the minimum wage job she's likely going to get due to no work history or experience going to help that much with finances?"
"If she goes to work is he assuming a SAHD role and does the myriad of things he didn't mention because he may have no idea about all the behind-the-scenes stuff she really does? What was their agreement prior to having children?" - pharston68
"I'm currently a mostly SAHM to three teens (I have a very part-time job), and I honestly don't have a ton of spare time. In addition to the obvious stuff, like cooking and cleaning (which shouldn't be dismissed, as it takes a pretty significant portion of time), I am driving the kids places, taking them to the doctor, dentist, orthodontist, helping with homework, dealing with our two dogs and managing all the vet, groomer, bathing, etc."
"I do all the laundry, make sure the house stays stocked with all the various things everyone needs, paying bills, dealing with random household stuff that pops up (I sat in a car dealership service department for three hours one day last week while a minor repair took way longer than expected). The list goes on and on."
"And yeah, I have time to work out most days, I meet with my therapist once a week, and I do get together with friends a couple of times a month."
"However, there were MANY years when the kids were young that I didn't have a moment to myself to ever take care of myself, so I will feel zero guilt for having the spare time to do those things now. Anyway, maybe his wife does basically nothing around the house, but my guess is there is a lot he is overlooking." - No_Refrigerator_4990
"I am a SAHM to two young but school-aged kids, and my husband and I just had this conversation during a yearly date night/SOTU conversation. I've been feeling especially anxious about my contributions to the household recently, and reading posts like this make me feel so awful, because on the surface my life might look exactly like this."
"During our talk, before I could even express my feelings on inadequacy, my husband said just what you said, nontruculent21. He's grateful for me."
"My contributions facilitated the career trajectory he's had, and I was near tears knowing he felt that way, because sometimes the slog of all the emotional labor and the background admin parenting things, and, yes, the cooking and cleaning lay me flat, but it's my role, and I do it. Unfortunately, my little bosses are maniacs, and my performance reviews from them are inconsistent."
"I recognize this is a privilege. We don't worry about money, but nothing in the OP suggests they do, either (I haven't checked to see if he's added more context in the comments, though). When we started a family, my earning potential was already laughable compared to my husband's."
"I can't imagine what it looks like after removing myself from the workforce for years. I can tell you any job I get wouldn't keep us afloat in the way we're accustomed to, and I don't think I'd need to start entry level, but it sure as hell wouldn't be mid-to-upper level management (where I'd be if I hadn't left my job)."
"In contrast, OP may struggle greatly with leaving the military (he may be currently struggling with the looming change), and HE may want to find work at some point (watching my father leave the fire service after 30 years was rough on all of us!). His suggestion feels like it's coming from a place of controlling his own anxiety rather than looking out for his family." - lessthanthreesquared
This was a tough situation for the OP and his wife to be in, and it was certainly a conversation that should have come up years ago so the two could plan, possibly get the OP's wife some work experience, and otherwise decide what their options were.
But while some were fixated on the unlikeliness of the OP's wife having a successful career now, and struggled to believe that she would even want one because of her schedule that the OP described, others believed that the OP wasn't giving her enough credit.
It was easy enough to assume a woman was lazy and didn't want to work if their husbands described them as someone who spends almost the entire day every day delegating responsibilities to other people and getting pampered.
But the reality of this was that getting pampered wasn't a daily occurrence, and there were likely many tasks that she completed that the OP wasn't even aware of, let alone considering that he'd be responsible for if he became the stay-at-home parent.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp