Some friend groups or families interact with teasing each other. As long as everyone is OK with the jokes, it's a fine way to communicate affection.
But if someone is feeling ganged up on or the comments go from kidding to cruel, things can go from fun for everyone to bullying and toxic very quickly.
A woman dealing with being the butt of hef boyfriend and his friend's jokes turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Nola_dwtt asked:
"AITAH for leaving my boyfriend's birthday dinner after his friends made fun of me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My boyfriend (28, male) and I (26, female) have been dating for about two years. He is funny, clever and he is very nice, but when he is with his friends he becomes a totally different person."
"His birthday was last week, and he invited me to a dinner with his nearest circle of friends, people whom I do not know very well. I was also a little nervous and dressed well to try to make a good impression."
"As I sat down, one of his friends made fun of me saying that I was the silent one who had finally broken out of her cave. All of them laughed, my boyfriend included."
"Then the other one was saying something such as, she must have made you come here instead of playing the game, huh?"
"I attempted to laugh it off but it continued. They made fun of me regarding my work (oh so you work at home, must be nice to do nothing all day) and even about my food order. My boyfriend just smirked and said, she is a sensitive girl, guys, don't make her cry."
"I went to use the bathroom, but as I returned they were still discussing me. I informed my boyfriend that I didn't feel comfortable and I was going to go home. He rolled his eyes and told me to not make a scene. So I left quietly."
"In the evening, he wrote to me that I had humiliated him by leaving and ruined his birthday dinner. I said to him he should have defended me. You must know how to laugh at a joke, he said."
"His friends now believe that I am too emotional and he has not spoken to me in two days."
The OP later added:
"I have seen some of his friends, but he always spends time with them without me, and I have never been with the entire group. So to be thrown into that dinner was like going into a room full of strangers."
"He had been making fun of me with his friends earlier that week on the phone about things that I am actually insecure about, such as my anxiety and how I speak. So I was already stressed even before the meeting."
"I could not take hearing the same thing over and over at the table, him laughing at it, and it really broke me. I felt that I was even not a person to him. I don't believe that I have ever felt so small in my life."
"I was already feeling nervous since I am always nervous when meeting new people, and he was aware of that. He swore that he would stick by me, but as soon as we arrived there he laughed with them as though everything was alright."
"I was leaving the restaurant shaking and embarrassed. He replied later that I made him look bad, as though my feelings were not important in any way. It actually opened my eyes to how little he cares."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Let me see if I have this right. This past week, he was making fun of you to his friends on the phone when he thought you weren't around?"
"And then, for his birthday dinner, makes fun of you with his friends while you are sitting right there? It sounds like he doesn't respect, love, or even like you." ~ Thin_Bother8217
"Please block his number and find someone who treasures you and values your company. Someone who will go above and beyond to make you comfortable (as anyone would do for a friend much less a romantic partner.)"
"I wish you luck. Maybe let some trusted friends/family who know you well and treat you well set you up. That might be a good place to start."
"But put this immature manchild in your rear view asap! Don't even grant him a breakup text! He deserves nothing! Let him figure it out for himself!" ~ Suspicious-Wear-2514
"He made himself look bad by failing to keep his word and then failing to defend you."
"It doesn't sound like your boyfriend even likes you if I'm being completely honest." ~ wanderlust_57
"You didn't make him look bad he did that himself by treating you like that. He would have stuck up for you if he cared about you at all."
"The person he is around his friends is who he really is, the person you know him to be is the mask he wears to fool you into being with him."
"Pay attention to the way he acts around others bc when he's comfortable he's being himself. With you he's on his best behavior. To a point."
"The mask has slipped, act accordingly." ~ PissyKrissy13
"NTA. Those 'jokes' came from things he's said to his friends about you, and he joined in instead of standing up for you. That's not love or respect." ~ GreenCantaloupe860
"NTA. This is the kind of teasing that only good friends and family members can engage in successfully, because they know each other's boundaries. What happened to you is just juvenile cruelty aimed at the new kid."
"It was clear from your description that you weren't reacting well to the 'banter', and instead of recognizing that, your boyfriend's friends kept it up—and he did nothing to defend you." ~ TheWacoFogey
"It was rude boorish behavior to talk about her while she left the table and in front of her when she returned."
"If he really cared about her, knowing her nature and the nature of his friends, he should have spoken to them ahead of time and asked them to lay off or go easy on her. They sound very ill mannered and immature." ~ Suspicious-Wear-2514
"No doubt their behavior and remarks are rooted in what he's saying about you when you aren't there. Marinate on that until you recognize that you deserve better from a partner than someone who shit talks you behind your back."
"Also, though, it's never a good sign when a partner compartmentalizes you into a separate space from his/her friends without real overlap. Often that indicates a desire to control the narrative with both groups. Honest people don't do that." ~ IAMA_Shark__AMA
"I'm going to guess that your boyfriend is probably bashing you and trash talking you when he's with them, saying you couldn't come, you didn't want to come, she does nothing since she's home 'working' all day."
"That's why he didn't defend you, he set you up for all this crap. If he started telling them to lay off then they'd bring up that he's the one that said all this to begin with." ~ scarletnightingale
"His friends are a**holes and obviously don't know how to actually size someone up to figure out if they can take some teasing. You lob out a couple softball jokes and if they don't connect then you stop."
"Me and my friends kind of do that to each other's girlfriends to figure out how well they can take a joke. But your boyfriend's friends are dumb and oblivious."
"Other than one friend's now wife, who is just the absolute sweetest woman you'll meet, all the other wives/girlfriends give sh*t right back to us." ~ TheeFlipper
"Tell him you deserve someone who treats you with respect, and since he's made it obviously clear that he's not capable of that, it's over." ~ SunShineShady
"NTA. It's hard to end a relationship, even when you know you need to. Do it in a public space, and if you can, have a trusted friend or relative nearby to intervene if he gets stupid."
"Change your locks. I'm not saying he'd do anything, but there are a lot of women in hospitals or graves who never thought he'd do anything. Best to keep yourself safe."
"For the future, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Good luck and stay strong." ~ badpandacat
"OP, if you have any backbone left, end this immediately. Block him so you don't have to hear his BS excuses. He is done, your days of being a doormat are over. Go forth and raise your standards." ~ SunShineShady
The OP provided an update:
"Thanks everyone for all the messages."
"It is painful to say it, but I believe I have been making excuses for him for years. It really opened my eyes to see the way he behaved in front of his friends and his respect towards me."
"I really feel hurt, and I don't know how to actually end it yet, but it's over."
It sounds like ending this relationship is for the best.
The lack of respect and sensitivity aren't likely to change.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.