Some friend groups or families interact with teasing each other. As long as everyone is OK with the jokes, it’s a fine way to communicate affection.
But if someone is feeling ganged up on or the comments go from kidding to cruel, things can go from fun for everyone to bullying and toxic very quickly.
A woman dealing with being the butt of hef boyfriend and his friend’s jokes turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Nola_dwtt asked:
“AITAH for leaving my boyfriend’s birthday dinner after his friends made fun of me?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My boyfriend (28, male) and I (26, female) have been dating for about two years. He is funny, clever and he is very nice, but when he is with his friends he becomes a totally different person.”
“His birthday was last week, and he invited me to a dinner with his nearest circle of friends, people whom I do not know very well. I was also a little nervous and dressed well to try to make a good impression.”
“As I sat down, one of his friends made fun of me saying that I was the silent one who had finally broken out of her cave. All of them laughed, my boyfriend included.”
“Then the other one was saying something such as, she must have made you come here instead of playing the game, huh?”
“I attempted to laugh it off but it continued. They made fun of me regarding my work (oh so you work at home, must be nice to do nothing all day) and even about my food order. My boyfriend just smirked and said, she is a sensitive girl, guys, don’t make her cry.”
“I went to use the bathroom, but as I returned they were still discussing me. I informed my boyfriend that I didn’t feel comfortable and I was going to go home. He rolled his eyes and told me to not make a scene. So I left quietly.”
“In the evening, he wrote to me that I had humiliated him by leaving and ruined his birthday dinner. I said to him he should have defended me. You must know how to laugh at a joke, he said.”
“His friends now believe that I am too emotional and he has not spoken to me in two days.”
The OP later added:
“I have seen some of his friends, but he always spends time with them without me, and I have never been with the entire group. So to be thrown into that dinner was like going into a room full of strangers.”
“He had been making fun of me with his friends earlier that week on the phone about things that I am actually insecure about, such as my anxiety and how I speak. So I was already stressed even before the meeting.”
“I could not take hearing the same thing over and over at the table, him laughing at it, and it really broke me. I felt that I was even not a person to him. I don’t believe that I have ever felt so small in my life.”
“I was already feeling nervous since I am always nervous when meeting new people, and he was aware of that. He swore that he would stick by me, but as soon as we arrived there he laughed with them as though everything was alright.”
“I was leaving the restaurant shaking and embarrassed. He replied later that I made him look bad, as though my feelings were not important in any way. It actually opened my eyes to how little he cares.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Let me see if I have this right. This past week, he was making fun of you to his friends on the phone when he thought you weren’t around?”
“And then, for his birthday dinner, makes fun of you with his friends while you are sitting right there? It sounds like he doesn’t respect, love, or even like you.” ~ Thin_Bother8217
“Please block his number and find someone who treasures you and values your company. Someone who will go above and beyond to make you comfortable (as anyone would do for a friend much less a romantic partner.)”
“I wish you luck. Maybe let some trusted friends/family who know you well and treat you well set you up. That might be a good place to start.”
“But put this immature manchild in your rear view asap! Don’t even grant him a breakup text! He deserves nothing! Let him figure it out for himself!” ~ Suspicious-Wear-2514
“He made himself look bad by failing to keep his word and then failing to defend you.”
“It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend even likes you if I’m being completely honest.” ~ wanderlust_57
“You didn’t make him look bad he did that himself by treating you like that. He would have stuck up for you if he cared about you at all.”
“The person he is around his friends is who he really is, the person you know him to be is the mask he wears to fool you into being with him.”
“Pay attention to the way he acts around others bc when he’s comfortable he’s being himself. With you he’s on his best behavior. To a point.”
“The mask has slipped, act accordingly.” ~ PissyKrissy13
“NTA. Those ‘jokes’ came from things he’s said to his friends about you, and he joined in instead of standing up for you. That’s not love or respect.” ~ GreenCantaloupe860
“NTA. This is the kind of teasing that only good friends and family members can engage in successfully, because they know each other’s boundaries. What happened to you is just juvenile cruelty aimed at the new kid.”
“It was clear from your description that you weren’t reacting well to the ‘banter’, and instead of recognizing that, your boyfriend’s friends kept it up—and he did nothing to defend you.” ~ TheWacoFogey
“It was rude boorish behavior to talk about her while she left the table and in front of her when she returned.”
“If he really cared about her, knowing her nature and the nature of his friends, he should have spoken to them ahead of time and asked them to lay off or go easy on her. They sound very ill mannered and immature.” ~ Suspicious-Wear-2514
“No doubt their behavior and remarks are rooted in what he’s saying about you when you aren’t there. Marinate on that until you recognize that you deserve better from a partner than someone who shit talks you behind your back.”
“Also, though, it’s never a good sign when a partner compartmentalizes you into a separate space from his/her friends without real overlap. Often that indicates a desire to control the narrative with both groups. Honest people don’t do that.” ~ IAMA_Shark__AMA
“I’m going to guess that your boyfriend is probably bashing you and trash talking you when he’s with them, saying you couldn’t come, you didn’t want to come, she does nothing since she’s home ‘working’ all day.”
“That’s why he didn’t defend you, he set you up for all this crap. If he started telling them to lay off then they’d bring up that he’s the one that said all this to begin with.” ~ scarletnightingale
“His friends are a**holes and obviously don’t know how to actually size someone up to figure out if they can take some teasing. You lob out a couple softball jokes and if they don’t connect then you stop.”
“Me and my friends kind of do that to each other’s girlfriends to figure out how well they can take a joke. But your boyfriend’s friends are dumb and oblivious.”
“Other than one friend’s now wife, who is just the absolute sweetest woman you’ll meet, all the other wives/girlfriends give sh*t right back to us.” ~ TheeFlipper
“Tell him you deserve someone who treats you with respect, and since he’s made it obviously clear that he’s not capable of that, it’s over.” ~ SunShineShady
“NTA. It’s hard to end a relationship, even when you know you need to. Do it in a public space, and if you can, have a trusted friend or relative nearby to intervene if he gets stupid.”
“Change your locks. I’m not saying he’d do anything, but there are a lot of women in hospitals or graves who never thought he’d do anything. Best to keep yourself safe.”
“For the future, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Good luck and stay strong.” ~ badpandacat
“OP, if you have any backbone left, end this immediately. Block him so you don’t have to hear his BS excuses. He is done, your days of being a doormat are over. Go forth and raise your standards.” ~ SunShineShady
The OP provided an update:
“Thanks everyone for all the messages.”
“It is painful to say it, but I believe I have been making excuses for him for years. It really opened my eyes to see the way he behaved in front of his friends and his respect towards me.”
“I really feel hurt, and I don’t know how to actually end it yet, but it’s over.”
It sounds like ending this relationship is for the best.
The lack of respect and sensitivity aren’t likely to change.