Any parents will tell you that the first few days at home after the hospital are a whirlwind of new experiences, exhaustion, and love.
Sometimes it's nice to experience those moments without the pressure of having guests, confided the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor madmomta took the situation a step further by planning to have no visitors during the first few months after the baby was born.
But when her mother accused her of ruining her experience as a new grandmother, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was expecting too much.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for ruining my mom's first (and possibly last) time as a grandma?"
The OP was trying to figure out when to see her mother.
"My mom usually takes a few vacations a year with her friends and then another few with my dad."
"She didn't want to miss any, so we had planned when she would see me around those, including a buffer because I take anti-rejection medication and am an organ recipient."
"The rules my husband and I had in place was 3 weeks between her coming back from a trip and seeing us because typically when she gets home from traveling, she spends the initial week home visiting her friends and always throw herself a 'Bon-Return' party."
Her mother hadn't seen much of her while the OP was pregnant.
"Our rules for after our baby is born is 3 months no visitors, which some people think is extreme, but it's what I need to feel comfortable."
"Unfortunately, my mom's only been able to make one of our planned visits about 4 months ago because she had other surprises and trips she wanted to take."
"She was also upset because we decided not to find out the gender and her friends threw her a 'grandma shower' and were all upset they didn't know 'what clothes to buy.'"
"My husband and I live in an apartment so we don't have a ton of space for extra stuff, and we had specifically asked people not to get us clothes or linens, but when I asked her to tell her friends that, she said it would be rude."
The OP's mother ended up blaming her for the missed visits.
"She called me over the weekend and asked to come to stay this week."
"I said no, as I'm busy this week and it was very last-minute, and she just got home from her friend's 65th birthday blowout bash last weekend anyway."
"She blew up at me, sobbing for ruining this experience for her."
"She said I made her party awkward by being weird about the gender."
"She said she's upset she will never have felt the baby kick (I don't like being touched, though, so even if she had made her planned trips, I don't think she would have)."
"She's upset she didn't get to take any 'candid pregnancy pictures of me' (another thing I personally wouldn't have liked. We did a bump shoot and that was even more than I ever like to be on camera frankly)."
"And she is upset she didn't have any say in or get to help with the nursery."
The OP felt conflicted.
"I thought she was being really overbearing and blaming me for choices she made and tried to explain that."
"She just kept saying I was purposely trying to cut her out and I was succeeding in making her not want to meet the baby at all, which isn't my intention."
"My dad usually agrees with me when she is being like this, but he is upset with me too and says this is different because it isn't about her, it's about her relationship with her grandchild."
"I'm very torn because I know lots of people want their mothers around and it's not that I don't, it's just she does cause me stress, and the one thing that could minimize the stress (sticking to our schedule) she didn't do."
"AITA?"
The OP also clarified in a comment the reasons behind the 3-month rule.
"The baby can't get all of their vaccinations until 2 months but the 3-month rule is more to give me time to recover."
"I tried to get back to normal after my transplant sooner than I should have and needed emergency surgery and almost died. I also got an infection that was very nasty and extended my recovery time."
"Since I'm so susceptible to getting sick and bacteria and infection, I don't want to overdo it this time, and my doctor recommended I plan for 12 weeks postpartum recovery rather than the typical 6-8 weeks, so that's the main reason."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were grateful the OP planned to take care of herself.
"OP? I was once on meds like yours: 16K immune-reducing injectables."
"If I went to the grocery store and someone sneezed in aisle three, I was 'finished.' Three months in bed with an antibiotic-resistant lung infection. To avoid illness/death, I became 'the boy in the bubble.' And this was before there was an international pandemic, and without a newborn or organ transplant involved."
"The only thing that matters is the health of you and your baby."
"I am so grateful that your husband understands and so do your in-laws. You and I both know that this isn't a matter of manners, it's a matter of life and death. I wish you, your husband, and your baby, health and every happiness. NTA, NTA, NTA, NTA." - Early-Chemistry7040
"I'm sorry that you had that scary and painful lesson about recovery and completely support your caution."
"I've done similar (thinking, 'I'm stronger than that! The doctors just don't know me.') and suffered pretty bad consequences. I now follow the advice of professionals."
"Follow your instincts on this one." - Punkinsmom
"Here you are, trying very hard not to die and your mom is throwing a tantrum. So sorry!" - 1AggressiveSalmon
"It's great that you will be taking it slow and recovering at a pace you feel is appropriate for you."
"Please also take care of your mental health! I found myself going crazy because I had no adult interaction other than with my husband."
"Wishing you the best of luck on the rest of your pregnancy, birth, and recovery! NTA." - leigh7057
"What you're doing makes total sense. I'm so glad that you are sticking to your boundaries and standing up for your own health. Good luck on your recovery!" - Wren1101
Others didn't understand why the grandmother wasn't taking the same precautions.
"NTA. Your pregnancy isn't about your mom becoming a Grandma. It is about you and the baby, whatever you and the baby need to be safe and sane should be accepted with no questions asked." - SubKitty420
"If I were her mom I would live in a plastic bubble until she said I could come out, wave hello to her baby, and then go back in. Seriously." - Capable_Leader_6098
"My hubby's grandma's closest friend at work had received a kidney, then died from the pandemic virus before the lockdown. It was so heartbreaking."
"Her new life free from dialysis had started just 2 years before the pandemic stole her from her family."
"The mother here is insane for wanting to risk her daughter and grandchild for other people's attention. And to stress an at-risk mother to be is selfish and dangerous."
"OP, you are so NTA. But your mother is the AH. Very much. Please keep prioritizing your and your child's health. Wishing you the very best!" - TerraelSylva
"Ugh, not to mention baby can't be vaccinated for 5 years (minimum) or until the vaccines get FDA approval. It's the world's s**ttiest game of roulette to play right now."
"What makes it even worse is OP is immunocompromised, so she's also super high risk. I literally put off getting pregnant because of the pandemic because of the potential health risks."
"NTA. OP's mom is a flaming a**hole." - lianali
"Grandma is going on all these trips, having a grandma shower (what even is that?) with lots of people, and exposing herself to everything out there. That in itself would be a no go around someone with a weakened immune system due to anti-rejection meds (my husband takes them for his liver transplant)."
"Add in the fact she is pregnant. If mom really wanted to be a part of this, she would have changed her behaviors to make it safe to be around her daughter. This is clearly on her. NTA stay safe for you and your baby. Your mom on the other hand..." - WittyResource2329
"Eeessshh."
"She's an organ recipient on anti-rejection meds! If my daughter was dealing with that and said no in-person visitors without a couple of weeks quarantine for a year, I'd be fine with it. Forget the current plague, Any contagion can be terrible on meds like that. Bacteria, viruses, even fungi."
"And even if she wasn't, access to her immediate vicinity and the baby is not anybody's right to demand except her husband, since he's her partner." - Meghanshadow
While the OP felt conflicted about what was going on because of her father's siding with her mother, the subReddit insisted that her and her baby's safety needed to come first. If her mother needed to continue to take her trips, she needed to observe the proper safety precautions that go along with the travel baggage.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp