Any parents will tell you that the first few days at home after the hospital are a whirlwind of new experiences, exhaustion, and love.
Sometimes it’s nice to experience those moments without the pressure of having guests, confided the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor madmomta took the situation a step further by planning to have no visitors during the first few months after the baby was born.
But when her mother accused her of ruining her experience as a new grandmother, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was expecting too much.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for ruining my mom’s first (and possibly last) time as a grandma?”
The OP was trying to figure out when to see her mother.
“My mom usually takes a few vacations a year with her friends and then another few with my dad.”
“She didn’t want to miss any, so we had planned when she would see me around those, including a buffer because I take anti-rejection medication and am an organ recipient.”
“The rules my husband and I had in place was 3 weeks between her coming back from a trip and seeing us because typically when she gets home from traveling, she spends the initial week home visiting her friends and always throw herself a ‘Bon-Return’ party.”
Her mother hadn’t seen much of her while the OP was pregnant.
“Our rules for after our baby is born is 3 months no visitors, which some people think is extreme, but it’s what I need to feel comfortable.”
“Unfortunately, my mom’s only been able to make one of our planned visits about 4 months ago because she had other surprises and trips she wanted to take.”
“She was also upset because we decided not to find out the gender and her friends threw her a ‘grandma shower’ and were all upset they didn’t know ‘what clothes to buy.'”
“My husband and I live in an apartment so we don’t have a ton of space for extra stuff, and we had specifically asked people not to get us clothes or linens, but when I asked her to tell her friends that, she said it would be rude.”
The OP’s mother ended up blaming her for the missed visits.
“She called me over the weekend and asked to come to stay this week.”
“I said no, as I’m busy this week and it was very last-minute, and she just got home from her friend’s 65th birthday blowout bash last weekend anyway.”
“She blew up at me, sobbing for ruining this experience for her.”
“She said I made her party awkward by being weird about the gender.”
“She said she’s upset she will never have felt the baby kick (I don’t like being touched, though, so even if she had made her planned trips, I don’t think she would have).”
“She’s upset she didn’t get to take any ‘candid pregnancy pictures of me’ (another thing I personally wouldn’t have liked. We did a bump shoot and that was even more than I ever like to be on camera frankly).”
“And she is upset she didn’t have any say in or get to help with the nursery.”
The OP felt conflicted.
“I thought she was being really overbearing and blaming me for choices she made and tried to explain that.”
“She just kept saying I was purposely trying to cut her out and I was succeeding in making her not want to meet the baby at all, which isn’t my intention.”
“My dad usually agrees with me when she is being like this, but he is upset with me too and says this is different because it isn’t about her, it’s about her relationship with her grandchild.”
“I’m very torn because I know lots of people want their mothers around and it’s not that I don’t, it’s just she does cause me stress, and the one thing that could minimize the stress (sticking to our schedule) she didn’t do.”
The OP also clarified in a comment the reasons behind the 3-month rule.
“The baby can’t get all of their vaccinations until 2 months but the 3-month rule is more to give me time to recover.”
“I tried to get back to normal after my transplant sooner than I should have and needed emergency surgery and almost died. I also got an infection that was very nasty and extended my recovery time.”
“Since I’m so susceptible to getting sick and bacteria and infection, I don’t want to overdo it this time, and my doctor recommended I plan for 12 weeks postpartum recovery rather than the typical 6-8 weeks, so that’s the main reason.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were grateful the OP planned to take care of herself.
“OP? I was once on meds like yours: 16K immune-reducing injectables.”
“If I went to the grocery store and someone sneezed in aisle three, I was ‘finished.’ Three months in bed with an antibiotic-resistant lung infection. To avoid illness/death, I became ‘the boy in the bubble.’ And this was before there was an international pandemic, and without a newborn or organ transplant involved.”
“The only thing that matters is the health of you and your baby.”
“I am so grateful that your husband understands and so do your in-laws. You and I both know that this isn’t a matter of manners, it’s a matter of life and death. I wish you, your husband, and your baby, health and every happiness. NTA, NTA, NTA, NTA.” – Early-Chemistry7040
“I’m sorry that you had that scary and painful lesson about recovery and completely support your caution.”
“I’ve done similar (thinking, ‘I’m stronger than that! The doctors just don’t know me.’) and suffered pretty bad consequences. I now follow the advice of professionals.”
“Follow your instincts on this one.” – Punkinsmom
“Here you are, trying very hard not to die and your mom is throwing a tantrum. So sorry!” – 1AggressiveSalmon
“It’s great that you will be taking it slow and recovering at a pace you feel is appropriate for you.”
“Please also take care of your mental health! I found myself going crazy because I had no adult interaction other than with my husband.”
“Wishing you the best of luck on the rest of your pregnancy, birth, and recovery! NTA.” – leigh7057
“What you’re doing makes total sense. I’m so glad that you are sticking to your boundaries and standing up for your own health. Good luck on your recovery!” – Wren1101
Others didn’t understand why the grandmother wasn’t taking the same precautions.
“NTA. Your pregnancy isn’t about your mom becoming a Grandma. It is about you and the baby, whatever you and the baby need to be safe and sane should be accepted with no questions asked.” – SubKitty420
“If I were her mom I would live in a plastic bubble until she said I could come out, wave hello to her baby, and then go back in. Seriously.” – Capable_Leader_6098
“My hubby’s grandma’s closest friend at work had received a kidney, then died from the pandemic virus before the lockdown. It was so heartbreaking.”
“Her new life free from dialysis had started just 2 years before the pandemic stole her from her family.”
“The mother here is insane for wanting to risk her daughter and grandchild for other people’s attention. And to stress an at-risk mother to be is selfish and dangerous.”
“OP, you are so NTA. But your mother is the AH. Very much. Please keep prioritizing your and your child’s health. Wishing you the very best!” – TerraelSylva
“Ugh, not to mention baby can’t be vaccinated for 5 years (minimum) or until the vaccines get FDA approval. It’s the world’s s**ttiest game of roulette to play right now.”
“What makes it even worse is OP is immunocompromised, so she’s also super high risk. I literally put off getting pregnant because of the pandemic because of the potential health risks.”
“NTA. OP’s mom is a flaming a**hole.” – lianali
“Grandma is going on all these trips, having a grandma shower (what even is that?) with lots of people, and exposing herself to everything out there. That in itself would be a no go around someone with a weakened immune system due to anti-rejection meds (my husband takes them for his liver transplant).”
“Add in the fact she is pregnant. If mom really wanted to be a part of this, she would have changed her behaviors to make it safe to be around her daughter. This is clearly on her. NTA stay safe for you and your baby. Your mom on the other hand…” – WittyResource2329
“She’s an organ recipient on anti-rejection meds! If my daughter was dealing with that and said no in-person visitors without a couple of weeks quarantine for a year, I’d be fine with it. Forget the current plague, Any contagion can be terrible on meds like that. Bacteria, viruses, even fungi.”
“And even if she wasn’t, access to her immediate vicinity and the baby is not anybody’s right to demand except her husband, since he’s her partner.” – Meghanshadow
While the OP felt conflicted about what was going on because of her father’s siding with her mother, the subReddit insisted that her and her baby’s safety needed to come first. If her mother needed to continue to take her trips, she needed to observe the proper safety precautions that go along with the travel baggage.