The tradition of birthday presents became the subject of family drama for Redditor KawaiiCottonCandy.
The Original Poster (OP) is a 20-year-old woman who gave her father five presents on his birthday.
But what should have been a day of celebration quickly turned sour when the mother strongly objected to the manner in which the tradition was carried out.
The OP visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for not wrapping my dad's birthday present?"
The OP indicated this was her first post and said she was getting emotional revisiting what happened.
She wrote:
"So this just happened this morning and I'm extremely upset about it. Started crying again while writing this."
"So, today is my dad's birthday and I bought him 5 presents. One of them was a new flavor of sauce that he likes. Instead of wrapping it like I did the other 4, I put the sauce right by where he eats."
"This is not an uncommon thing, on one of my family's birthdays we usually put a food present right at their place at the table – sometimes wrapped and sometimes unwrapped."
"My dad saw the sauce and was very happy – he literally jumped up from his chair (and he's an older guy!) and hugged me with an excited grin on his face and said thank you."
"However, the minute he left the room, my mom starts yelling at me, asking me if I would like it if she just 'dumped all my presents unwrapped in a pile' and how rude it was to do that. I was very shocked and started crying hard – I get extremely anxious at any confrontation."
"My dad heard me crying and came back in to ask what was wrong and my mom puts on her sad face and says 'Oh I made her cry again, like I always do'. My dad's pretty obviously worried but he has to work from home today and had a meeting so he went to his office."
"My mom then said to me that she didn't want to ruin my dad's day so she'd tell me later exactly why it was so rude to leave unwrapped presents when he wasn't around (I think she just knows that he'll take my side because he usually does when she gets mad over stuff like this - she yelled at me the last time I gave either of them a present as well)."
"Again, this isn't an uncommon thing to do with food presents in my house – on my birthday I'll often find an unwrapped special food by my place. Also, I wrapped the other 4 non-food presents, this was literally the only one not wrapped."
"So, AITA here?"
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors declared the OP was not the a**hole in the situation.
"NTA: No, your mom is the asshole. Your dad loved the present and that's what matters." – GoobWizard
"NTA. Your dad loved the gift, that is all that mattered. Kindly tell your mom to mind her business." – BSnIA
When a Redditor asked if the mother tended to overreact, the OP responded:
"Yes she does. Another recent incident was when I gave them a Valentine's present on February 13th because I was too excited to wait, and she got mad at me and said I made her feel like she had to give me mine then too."
Others continued to weigh in.
"NTA. Your mom is causing drama for unknown reasons, which is especially out of order when she knows how easily upset and anxious you get in such confrontational circumstances."
"Please try to ignore your mom and know that you did nothing wrong here. Your dad was happy with his gift, nobody else's opinion counts. I hope you are able to work on your anxiety so you are able to stand up for yourself more in situations like this." – Academic-Panic
"NTA you followed what happens with food. You're mum is looking to upset you. And she is making threats about it for when your dad isn't around."
"Please text or email him or pull him aside when he is free and tell him everything. How you did what's always done with food and how your mum's taking out on you and will continue to do so later when she knows he won't be there." - BlueBellpond
"NTA and your mom has ISSUES. I don't know what or why. A gift is about being thoughtful, not ripping paper. Pay no attention to her. Your dad obviously loved the gift."
"And if your mom is saying she made you cry like always... sounds like she just picks on you for a lot of stuff. Try to tune her out and don't react."
"When someone is getting confrontational with me and I don't want to engage, I'll pick a spot to look at behind their head so it looks like I'm looking at them, but really I'm letting them yell and in my head I'm going 'Huh, I never noticed that nick in the paint before. I wonder how that happened. Maybe when I was moving my bookcase? I wonder if we have any of that paint left so I could patch it. If not I could probably get it color matched. How do those color matching machines work?...'"
"I just keep my own narrative going and let her do her yelling and when she's finished just go 'thanks for your opinion' in as neutral a voice as you can and walk away. Hopefully she'll get bored with trying to attack you."
"If you're feeling bold, just walk away as soon as she starts yelling. If she follows you, stop, turn around, tell her she's welcome to talk to you when she can behave civilly, and then keep walking. React as little as possible. And enjoy what sounds like a good relationship with your dad." – HarriedHedgehog
"NTA, your mom is ruder for yelling at you. You wouldn't even be the A if you bought zero presents. At least then, you wouldn't have to hear your mom's screeching about a rule that doesn't exist."
"For your mom's birthday, wrap the same exact sauce in saran wrap and give her a birthday card with a bow on the card. Instead of 'Happy Birthday', write 'I wrapped this for you.'" – thaillmatic1
The general consensus was the OP was not in the wrong, and that making her father happy was most important in the situation.
They also encouraged her to work on her issues with anxiety so she can confidently defend herself in future confrontations.
In an update, it appeared the OP took many of the suggestions to heart.
Relieved over all of the NTA judgments, she wrote:
"Thank you everyone for all the support, I'm feeling better now. I did tell my dad about it, and he was on my side, telling me that he loved the present and didn't care at all (since we always do this with food presents, duh)."
"However he's even less confrontational than me so he just told me to apologize to calm her down, and that he'll make it up to me later."
"Answering some questions:"
"Yes, my mom does indeed overreact to stuff like this. I try not to let it bother me but again I'm not good with confrontation and am generally kind of timid."
"I'm disabled and cannot drive so I don't really have too much of an escape from this sort of thing and that's why I don't stick up more."
"Some people have suggested therapy and believe me I've brought it up, but unfortunately my mom is one of those 'you don't need therapy you need a priest' very religious people."
"I am looking to move out within a couple of years however as I am very close to getting a job."
"I'm just happy knowing I'm NTA honestly. Thanks a lot everyone! I'll update if anything further happens."
"Ok, so I actually sat down and talked to my mom, and she's apologized for becoming upset over this. I also explained that I think this is a very ridiculous thing to get upset about and that I was following what we always do with food presents."
"She said that she shouldn't have gotten upset over my decisions with my gifts and that if she does this again to tell her immediately that she's in the wrong."
"Overall we made up on this issue and I'll be more assertive in the future. Thanks for all of your comments and advice!"
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.