We all have passions that, given the opportunity, we would drop practically everything else for to go to a related event, like a game or performance.
But most of us, even the most passionate among us, would draw the line at skipping an important day like Christmas to have that other experience instead, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor BlancheDevaheaux was a big football fan and was elated when she received a ticket for an NFL game on Christmas Day.
But when her husband criticized her for accepting the ticket, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong for wanting to go to a game instead of spending time with family.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for considering going to an NFL football game on Christmas Day?"
The OP was a huge football fan.
"I (34 Female) am a diehard, like the star is tattooed on me, Dallas Cowboys fan. Yes, please drag me (I need Jerry to go somewhere), but I love this team for life."
"My best friend's family gets suites at FedEx Field every other season, but because they think they're good now, they've been buying them more frequently."
"My husband doesn't have a team and follows players instead, but does enjoy and watches with me due to my passion for the game."
"Last year, I was invited to join my friend and his family for a game in the suite but instead gave the spot to my husband. He had never been to a game before, and I wanted him to experience this, especially in a suite."
"He had a wonderful time and thanked me profusely for letting him go. I was happy to give this to him and spent the day at home with the kiddos."
When the opportunity came up again, the OP really wanted to go. But there was a catch.
"Fast forward to now. My best friend got married and made me his Best Woman."
"His gift to me as a thank you for everything is suite tickets to see Dallas on Christmas Day."
"I immediately asked my husband, and to my surprise, he got upset, like full-on said, 'How could you consider going? This is a family day, and I would never do this.'"
"My best friend also had a ticket for my husband, and he said, 'No thanks, it's Christmas.'"
The OP kept trying to convince her husband, but he wasn't okay with the plan.
"I tried to compromise and bring up our current Christmas traditions. My mom's side of the family is from Eastern Europe, and we typically celebrate on Christmas Eve."
"I told my husband that we can celebrate on Christmas Eve and would still do the morning wake-up with the kids (they are eight, seven, and two-and-a-half) with breakfast and opening presents."
"I also told him that normally the kids are playing with their toys after the initial wake-up and will be zoned out the rest of the day."
"Plus, my daughters would spend the afternoon with their mom to see her side of the family."
"He told me to do whatever the h**l I want and walked away from me."
"I chatted with my parents, and they are 50/50 on it but understand my desire to go because this isn't an opportunity that comes around often, if at all."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Most said YTA, because the OP was putting a football game ahead of Christmas.
"You have three kids. Christmas absolutely is about family, and your children, at that age."
"Huge football fan over here (and mom), but YTA."
"This is why it's s**tty that they've even started playing football on Christmas. I like it too (not as much as my husband, but still,) but sports are on my television like every day between hockey and football during this time of year."
"I'm a good sport about it, and we watch on Thanksgiving, but I put my foot down on Christmas. Absolutely not." - Mysterious-Impact-32
"I think it's really uncool that your friend, who knows you have a family, only offered you two tickets for a Christmas Day game, meaning the kids would all have to go to someone else on Christmas Day; who does that?!"
"I would never dream of offering a friend a solo experience on such a major family holiday. Is there not another game you can attend? Respectfully, your friend threw a grenade into your family."
"I understand you're torn, and I'm a very staunch supporter when it comes to couples having their individual independence, but it's Christmas. Spend it with your family. Soft YTA, but I really think your friend is the problem here." - adventuresofViolet
"YTA. Only because you have kids and are therefore responsible for making Christmas and Christmas Eve for them."
"Christmas isn't about you anymore. Or any of the adults. You are the magic of Christmas."
"I am not on board with how adults act like bratty, snotty kids around Christmas; it is my biggest pet peeve. Adults are old enough to make their own food and buy their own things, and not rely on holidays forcing them to see people. If they want to see people, they will make it happen throughout the year."
"Kids don't get that control over their lives or time. You are responsible for making it happen along with your husband. Your kids will remember the year you were not there. All because of ... sports."
"I actually changed my answer when I saw you have kids. I would have gone NTA because adults acting like Christmas is the end of the world is the worst. But that's not your situation." - Stunning_Patience_78
"YTA. Don't go to a football day on Christmas and leave your husband alone. Like, no."
"You have three kids, biological or not, no." - SoccerProblem3547
"YTA. I'm sorry, I know you're a big fan, but leaving your kids and the man you supposedly love on CHRISTMAS is s**ty." - Gold_Statistician500
"I love football, but I would never think of going to a game on Christmas and bailing on my family. YTA." - Advocatefordeviledeggs
"I'm a big sports fan and a mom. This is a tough one. But I have to say YTA."
"I would have discussed this with my husband before agreeing to spend Christmas Day at a game."
"I don't know where you're coming from, but getting to and from Northwest Stadium (it's not called FedEx Field any longer) isn't easy. You'll be gone most of the day."
"I personally would rather spend the day with my kids, even though watching a football game in a suite is super fun. But that doesn't mean you wouldn't rather go to the game. But you really should have discussed this with your husband." - IHaveBoxerDogs
But a few could understand where the OP was coming from and pointed out that Christmas could be celebrated differently for one year.
"NTA. For heaven's sake, just do 'Christmas' on the day before or after. It's a calendar, not a law book. The day won't be less magical for them or create any fewer memories if it's held 12/26, as noted by OP's own family traditions." - WhoFearsDeath
"It sounds like the kids are OP's stepdaughters and will spend Christmas with bio mom, though. Not that it makes OP less of their mom, but the kids aren't being left without a mom/family time."
"I personally think NTA and OP made some valid points for compromising (celebrating on Christmas Eve, etc), but I'm not a Christian, so I don't take it very seriously."
"I understand I'm probably the minority on that, but given OP's family situation, I don't think she's harming the kids." - throwawaysunglasses
"I do not understand why everyone is saying YTA."
"Definitely NTA. You are ALLOWED to have an experience and enjoy yourself, and your family should be supportive. Just because it's on Christmas doesn't make it any more different, especially if you're planning to celebrate it on Christmas Eve."
"No idea how old your kids are, but I highly doubt they'll care once they get their presents that you're gone for one day."
"Not sure why you're getting dragged over this." - anaboogiewoogie
The subReddit could totally empathize with the love that the OP had for football and what a cool opportunity it was to go to this particular game in person. That said, they also argued that the OP should love her family and spending time with them on a special holiday at least a little bit more.
Perhaps arrangements could be made to keep the Christmas magic going, either by starting the festivities a little earlier or extending them into the day after Christmas, so that the OP and her daughters could go to their other engagements on Christmas Day without worrying about missing the time with their immediate family.
But if the OP missed Christmas without making any adjustments to the holiday, she'd potentially be missing out on time with her kids, while they were still very young, that she might not be able to get back. She had to decide whether that was worth a game or not.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp