Gaming addiction—also called internet gaming disorder—is characterized by "severely reduced control over gaming habits, resulting in negative impacts on daily functioning, including personal, social, educational and occupational responsibilities."
But millions of people play video games every day. Only a small percentage of those individuals will develop a gaming addiction.
Excessive gaming can be a symptom of a larger issue like untreated depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or undiagnosed autism or ADHD.
A husband concerned with his wife's online gaming turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Middle_Leading8469 asked:
"AITA for telling my wife to stop playing Roblox and do her duties as a parent?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife (37, female) and I (36, male) have always tried to keep the housework pretty evenly split between us. I, for example, mow the lawn, do laundry, and do dishes and she meal plans, cooks, and picks up/drops off the kid(s)."
"She works part-time and usually gets home around 2:00. We only have one kid; he gets home on the school bus when there's no after-school activity or practice."
"She, in the past, has been the one in charge of cooking and food, but recently, I have started to do this because of the events in this post. We are usually eating around 6:30."
"Lately, this has all changed because she has become addicted to a game called Dress to Impress on Roblox. If you aren't familiar, it's a game where you have to dress your character in a themed outfit before the time runs out, and the other players rate it from 1 to 5 stars."
"It started off harmless, just a fun thing she would do during downtime before bed, but recently she has missed crucial appointments and chores because of this game. I tried to be understanding and gently remind her to do her tasks, but she would always say she 'forgot' or 'got distracted'."
"The big argument happened last night when she forgot to pick up our 9-year-old son from basketball practice, which ended at 6:00pm. I hadn't gotten home yet as I had to work late, and our son doesn't have a phone, so I had no way of knowing the situation."
"I eventually got home around 7:00 and realized he was not in his room. I looked around further and saw that he was nowhere to be found."
"I walked into our bedroom, confused, to ask my wife where he was and found her on her iPad playing the game as always. When I asked her where our son was, her eyes grew wide, and I knew what happened without her having to say."
"I immediately got back into my car and went to pick him up. Luckily, his coach had stayed after to make sure he was picked up safe and I apologized profusely."
"Apparently, he had been calling and texting my wife, who was the emergency contact, and she didn't even notice."
"When we got home, I immediately blew up at her. How could she be so addicted to a kids' game that she completely forgot our son?"
"Now, she's telling me it was a one-time thing and that I'm an a**hole for getting angry."
"I'm not entirely sure how she missed all of the messages and phone calls from the coach. We haven't spoken much since the argument."
"I don't know what to think. I do kind of understand her side of the story as it has only happened one time, but she has to be a responsible parent."
"She can't just completely forget about our child who has no way to get home on his own!"
"So, AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I'm planning on talking to her tomorrow morning because we'll have had a day to cool off and think it over. I'll be sure to not keep being harsh on her."
"I did get angry at her during the argument and I am regretting it now. I don't want to make her feel too bad or damage our marriage at all for something that shouldn't be such a big deal if her future actions change."
"My wife is not/has not been diagnosed with anything before, but after this I think it would be good to look into it."
"I talked to my son in the car after the original event and he seemed okay from my perspective."
"Obviously he was a little afraid and confused, but nothing that should impact him in the long run. I'll continue to be checking up on him and making sure though."
"I texted the coach to add my number to the emergency contact list, so hopefully nothing like this will happen again."
"I might look into a flip phone or something similar for my son. I just don't want to give him free rein on the internet so young, so that'll probably be a good solution."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I may be the a**hole for yelling at my wife and making her feel like a terrible parent."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. This isn't a 'chore' she's blowing off, this is forgetting your own child. How could she not even notice the calls and texts from the coach?"
"That's what I'm wondering about? Is something else going on with her?" ~ ParsimoniousSalad
"I'd be furious if I had a spouse who did this. Frankly you guys got off lucky, because what if something serious had happened?"
"What if your son had been in serious trouble, like had a medical emergency? Imagine her showing up hours later to the hospital and explaining 'sorry it took me so long to get here, I got distracted playing Roblox'."
"I understand the desire to bum around and play dumb video games, God knows I've invested hours of my life into Minecraft. However, there are some duties that you simply cannot shirk or procrastinate, and children are number one on that list."
"After your wife cools off, you should approach her calmly and explain all this. At this point she must realize that her lack of self-control with this game has gotten out of hand, and hopefully self-reflection will lead to her either cutting back or quitting Roblox altogether."
"Forgetting your son for hours and ignoring all calls is unacceptable. When you do confront her, try to avoid accusatory language; People respond better when they don't feel attacked."
"But at the same time, you cannot tolerate any more of this nonsense, so if she refuses to change her ways, then it is time to start setting some hard boundaries with serious consequences. NTA."
"Good luck, I really hope everything works out for you guys. I would never want someone to get divorced or for a child to get hurt over Roblox."
"I think it's about her using it as a way to fill a hole in her life—that being lack of fulfillment. If she's open to it, she might want to find a therapist who could talk to her about alternative, healthier, fun activities and how to balance addictive games." ~ old_vegetables
"It is way beyond 'nonsense'. Something a lot bigger. I have been there, and it is lonely—especially when you don't even know why you are doing it."
"It could be depression, overwhelmed, burnout, addiction. And it might be layers of things—not just one obvious one."
"That level of tuning everything else out is basically disassociation."
"Her brain is sending some kind of message that it feels it needs to escape, can't handle, needs that dopamine, whatever it is, and this is just a symptom. It could probably be any game or something else like a TV program."
"The boundaries should be about when and where she is going to get help.And you will support her finding the right resources as much as you can while policing things around the house to keep everyone safe."
"I have played that game with my teenager, and it is fun, but not that fun, and half the time, the results don't even make sense. BUT, the start and finish are very quick, the results come in, and you start again. So the dopamine hits just keep coming." ~ simsplayer378
"Games like this are designed to be addictive so that the players will either spend money on in-game currency/items or keep glued to it through ads."
"This is no different from a gambling addiction, game developers literally hire the same kind of experts who design slot machine games to help make their video games impossible to walk away from."
"Your wife needs help. This has progressed to a full-on mental health issue, and it will only get worse without intervention." ~ Omnitographer
"OMG. Forgetting your child 😵"
"I am a mom, and I am a gamer. And I think I fit the category of gaming a bit much at times."
"But never have I forgotten my child. I am way too anxious for that."
"To be sure, I have an alarm set, but several times I forgot to set it, and I never forgot my child. Somehow, an hour before the end of school, my nerves already start kicking in for that."
"And to be fair, if that ever would happen, it will be the day I stop gaming. So no, NTA." ~ S0larsea
Hopefully the OP's discussion with his wife went well.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp