*The following article contains discussion of suicide/self-harm.
A lot is written about the stages of grief, but not a definitive timeline. Partly because people grieve differently.
What or who they’re grieving also makes a big difference. Was the loss expected? Was it a shock?
A grieving woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Admirable-Log-7546 asked:
“AITA for not attending my sister’s baby shower after our miscarriage?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (29F) and my husband (29M) found out we were pregnant in March, six weeks after my sister announced her pregnancy. We were all thrilled, imagining our kids growing up as best friends.”
“Unfortunately, in June, we had a miscarriage. It was our second miscarriage that year, and it hit us hard.”
“I struggled deeply, even having dark thoughts about ending my life. We tried to cope by booking a trip, listening to podcasts, attending therapy, and joining support groups, which helped somewhat.”
“After the miscarriage, we became a bit distant from the family because I couldn’t bear to see my sister pregnant. Whenever we went out to dinner, where we usually talked and shared about our lives, we just couldn’t engage in conversations anymore.”
“Most of the time, we went home early because it was too painful to see them. People would ask how her pregnancy was going, and she would share moments about her ultrasounds, check-ups, and milestones.”
“We couldn’t participate in these conversations or even try to be happy for her because it triggered me and made me cry.”
“Three months later, my sister’s wedding was approaching, followed by her baby shower/gender reveal the next day. We informed them in advance that while we would attend the wedding and celebrate with them, we couldn’t make it to the baby shower.”
“Being around pregnant women is a trigger for me, reminding me of our loss. They seemed to understand, but hoped we might change our minds, especially since my husband’s family was coming to support us.”
“We attended the wedding, brought a gift, picked up their wedding cake, and celebrated their special day.”
“However, the next morning, my older sister (not the pregnant one) sent me a long message, essentially saying, ‘Your sister was there for you during your milestones, why can’t you be there for her now? Focus your energy on her and move on already’.”
“I was devastated, feeling like a bad sister, and cried my eyes out. My husband was furious at the insensitivity and realized this was how the whole family felt.”
“It turns out my older sister’s lengthy message reflected the family’s feelings. They clearly don’t understand what we’re experiencing, and hearing that ‘it’s been three months, and we need to be considerate of my other sister who’s pregnant’ has been really painful.”
“I’m currently seeing a therapist and attending a support group, and my husband has been my rock during this difficult time.”
“After reading that message, I spent the entire day just crying to my husband, feeling like a bad sister. They sent me another message saying it was a baby boy, we were supposed to have a baby boy.”
“And it just felt a lot worse, that’s when the thought came back again, It felt like it was day 1 again and I just wanted the pain to end. Good thing my husband was there to hold me and support me.”
“Now, we are seen as the bad guys for not attending the baby shower. So, AITA for not being there for my sister during her special day?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I wasn’t able to attend my sister’s baby shower, which was such an important event for everyone. As her sister and best friend, it hurts not to be there to support her.”
“Unfortunately, I experienced a miscarriage, and being in that environment is really difficult for me as it brings back painful reminders of my loss.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“The only AH here is the sister who sent the incredibly insensitive and cruel message. You are NTA for staying away from things that are painful right now.”
“Celebrating your sister’s wedding was great. I hope you had quality time with your family and told that sister how much you love and support her.”
“I think you’ll find that you are not seen as bad in any way by anyone except the AH sister and anyone who agrees with her who you should block completely. Feel free to forward that message to others, who will see it for what it was, and sympathize with you if they are decent human beings.”
“In your own time, you’ll come to know your nibling and hopefully develop healthy relationships and the ability to be around joyful people who are pregnant without it putting you back into your own loss.”
“However, grief is real and you are allowed to feel it and deal with it in the ways you need to–avoiding a baby shower is completely reasonable and healthy!”
“I hope you can work through this in therapy and support groups and with your husband, but know that the loss is something you will continue to feel, just that time will allow room for more other things, including joy, alongside it.” ~ Tangerine_Bouquet
“Having been in a similar situation, I doubt it is just the sister that feels that way. People tend to have sympathy for your situation at first.
“Then it’s ‘keep it to yourself and bounce back’. Any other path that exposes your pain makes you an attention seeker unable to allow others their joy.”
“I have a big family, this has played out more than once. It definitely is not just the sister. Exposing her behavior with messaging everyone the sisters cruelty could bring the response ‘Someone had to say something’.”
“Making it worse for OP. OP, seek kindness and care from others who understand what you are going through. Your family obliviously doesn’t. NTA.” ~ sandpiperinthesnow
“NTA. I had a miscarriage in 2023 and then a neonatal loss this July with my first living child. I am barely functioning now four months later.”
“I have told my loved ones to not tell me if they’re pregnant, and to tell my husband instead (he is OK with this). I am giving myself full permission to not go to baby showers until I decide that I can do it.
“I don’t have a sister, but most of my close friends have newborns or are trying to conceive. It’s painful. You wish you could be happy with them, but your heart is broken.”
“Two miscarriages can feel absolutely devastating, and people don’t understand until they’ve experienced it—how much it crushes your spirit, your innocence, and your future. I cry every single day.”
“When I miscarried, I also cried every single day for a few weeks, and I was depressed for months. It’s a loss, NTA, and sending you so much love. I hope you can be surrounded by loved ones who understand, even if they aren’t blood related.” ~ Effective_Mix_2443
“I mean… would they rather you had come and sat there and sobbed the whole time? I had a loss in late February and did not go to a baby shower for a friend that I was part of the planning committee for in early May.”
“I just paid extra and did not attend or continue planning. I just knew I couldn’t go and make it not about me.”
“I think you made the right choice to not go. Consider your own feelings.. since your family clearly is not. So sorry you are dealing with this. NTA.” ~ CatsLucyle
“NTA. In my opinion, you need to take a major step back from your family. You’ve experienced 2 losses in a short amount of time, and you have every right to take the time you need to process that and begin to heal.”
“Honestly, why is it such a big deal that you didn’t go to your sister’s baby shower? It’s not the end of the world. You didn’t demand she didn’t have a shower. You’ve never demanded she didn’t talk about her pregnancy.”
“But they’re demanding that that you ‘get over’ your devastating losses on their timeline that’s comfortable for them and join in all the planned family stuff. F*ck them.”
“I’ve had 2 miscarriages, and I still remember them 25 years later. I assume the due dates of both of your babies just passed and/or are coming up.”
“That’s a whole other level of pain (from my personal experience). If your own family can’t empathize and understand that, then you don’t need them around you right now.” ~ Puzzled-Safe4801
The OP provided an update:
“I spoke to my other sister days after her baby shower to deliver our gift, and I found out she and her husband are upset with us. It turns out my older sister’s lengthy message reflected the family’s feelings.”
“They clearly don’t understand what we’re experiencing, and hearing that ‘it’s been three months, we have been considerate to you, and now we need to be considerate of my other sister who’s pregnant’ has been really painful.”
“I’m currently seeing a therapist and attending a support group, and my husband has been my rock during this difficult time.”
“We’re also considering moving interstate before trying again, as I believe it’s important to distance ourselves from the negative energy in my family.”
OP and her husband are still in mourning.
If that’s unacceptable to her family, then maybe a little distance is needed.
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If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/