If people speak in a language other than your identified first language in front of you, are you obligated to tell them if you understand? Especially if they're speaking about you under the belief you won't know what they're saying?
Do bilingual people or polyglots need to tell everyone they meet which languages they speak or understand? Or should people not make assumptions?
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her German in-laws discovered she was fluent in German and understood what they said about her.
Sea-Rip-9749 asked:
"AITA for not telling my husband's family that I speak their language?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband Peter (29, male) and I (27, female) have been married for about three years. We have one child together and I was pregnant with our second."
"I'm western Canadian while he is from Germany. We lived in Canada for a long time, but because of inflation moving back to Germany seemed like a better option for us. We bought a nice house in Hannover where Peter is from."
"The day after our flights to Germany, we all visited Peter's family. This was the second time I have seen them—the first was at our wedding."
"They greeted us and brought us inside of the house, fussing over my son. We had dinner, and soon we left the house, wanting to settle into our new home."
"We visited Peter's family often for the next few months. But I had started to realize that they would sometimes speak about me in German."
"They would make rude comments on my hair and makeup, question my fashion choices, and overall were just very unkind to me. They also said mean things about my pregnant belly which I was already insecure about."
"I ended up talking to my husband about this. I told him that I didn't like the way that they were treating me. I said that I hated how my every choice was judged. He told me that he would talk to his family."
"The next time that we went to his parents house, there were no more mean comments. For about three months it was like nothing ever happened."
"I gave birth to a perfect baby girl that we named Lilith. Peter's family was very upset when they heard the name."
"If you didn't know, Lilith means 'ghost' or 'of the night'. We didn't pick this name because of its meaning, but because it is a name that every girl in my family has had for many years."
"My middle name is Lilith, along with my mom's, my grandma's, and even my great grandma's."
"For a while I didn't visit my in-laws. I didn't want to hear them talk about how I shouldn't have named my daughter Lilith."
"But yesterday we saw them again. It was my mother-in-law's birthday."
"As soon as we showed up things started to go badly. Everybody wanted to hold Lilith which made my MIL upset because people weren't paying attention to her and made me overwhelmed."
"I didn't want people holding her. I was going through a pretty bad postpartum depression and it was still pretty early to see people. I let people look at her, but declined when anyone asked to hold her."
"During dinner I heard my SIL talking to my MIL in German. I heard her complaining about how she couldn't hold my baby."
"My SIL even had the audacity to call me, and I quote, 'a fat ugly hockey addict'. I turned to my SIL and MIL and told them off in German."
"I basically said that I have always known what they have said about me, but calling me names was the last straw. I also mentioned how I have known German for almost my whole life."
"The table instantly blew up. People were yelling at me because apparently this was all my fault. I left with Peter and we haven't talked to them since."
"So, AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"The action that I took that should be judged is that I didn't tell my husband's family that I spoke their language. The action that might make me the a**hole is that I didn't tell my husband's family that I spoke their language for a long time."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"And you're living in Germany? Do they really think you wouldn't learn the language of the country where you live?"
"They have been extremely rude to you and about you, you are definitely NTA."
"I think your husband needed to grow a shiny spine as soon as they started and should have told them off instantly, so he's a bit of an A, or at very least a total wuss." ~ WatchingTellyNow
"NTA. A**holes are never wrong. They remain a**holes by refusing to ever take ownership of their own words or actions, so they never have to change."
"They can be as judgmental and insulting as they want because they're right and anyone who challenges them must be at fault. So of course it's your fault that they were insulting you."
"They couldn't possibly have been in the wrong. Sorry you married into a family of a**holes." ~ Aestro17
"So your husband would just sit there while they were talking sh*t about you? He never mentioned to them that you actually understand and are fluent in the language?" ~ Embarrassed-Car6161
"Why hasn't your husband been standing up for you before you asked him to?" ~ upagus
"Hearing people when they talk can't make one an a**hole. Holding your tongue for awhile hearing people blatantly insulting and hating you in your actual presence can't make one an a**hole."
"Eventually having enough and having other people hear *you* can't make one an a**hole. I hope next time you throw hands." ~ Gap-Grindr
"NTA, but are you telling me that the first time you met your husband's family was at your wedding? Now I'm not saying that you are to blame, but maybe you should have gotten to know your in-laws first before you decided to marry into the family."
"I hope your husband remains on your side because your in-laws are a**holes." ~ jaded_dahlia
"NTA obviously, but just curious, why have you never spoken in German to them or shown that you know it? Seems very odd they wouldn't know you speak it fluently, no?" ~ Vacationenergy
"NTA but, I am wondering why you didn't greet them and speak to them in German at your wedding or when you first moved to Germany."
"Also, since you've always known German, I assume your family does too. Did they not speak to your in-laws at the wedding in German?" ~ ZweiGirl
"NTA.When my Dad converted to Catholicism he wanted to learn everything and do the best he could in his religious ed classes, which had take home tests. He never ever did good in school so also wanted to do really well on these tests because they meant a lot to him."
"His religious ed teacher HATED that he kept getting 100% on these quizzes. She spoke fluent German."
"She wrote 'Dummkopf'—'Idiot' in German—on one of his tests next to the 100%. Dad asked her after the next class why she wrote 'Idiot' on his test because he was clearly NOT an idiot."
"She was shocked that he understood written German and instead of apologizing or explaining, she asked how he knew German! And he was, like, 'Duh. My wife's father was German…'."
"She still never ever apologized and was more mad at him for knowing German than she had been about his quiz scores." ~ ASweetTweetRose
"NTA, but you or Peter should have told them the first time they spoke badly of you that you could understand and speak their language. I knew people like that when I used to live in Olsterholz-Scharmbeck."
"Go about your life with Peter and your daughter. Either they will get their heads out of their ass or not. That is on them. Enjoy the people who care about you." ~ Badtanker63
"It is rude to speak in a language that not everyone in the room understands. The only exception is if a person you are talking to does not speak the common language, and you need to translate/take care of their needs."
"It is rude to make rude comments about others, especially if you are doing it in a foreign language. You have only seen these people twice. Apparently, they have never asked you if you speak German. First thing my family asked when I introduced them to my future husband was 'Can he speak our language?'."
"Your husband talked to them, and they backed off for a while. Apparently, he also did not tell them you can understand what they are saying. This would have been a good time to tell them."
"After your husband talked to them, you could have started speaking in German. Not doing so was a mistake on your part, but it doen't exonerate your in-laws' rude behavior- you are not a piece of furniture that they can talk over."
"NTA. Your in-laws need a little reeducation. This would not have been a problem if they had been polite, in any language." ~ PoppyHamentaschen
Regardless of the language spoken, it's best to not say something about someone that you wouldn't say directly to that person.
People almost always find out one way or another.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp