If people speak in a language other than your identified first language in front of you, are you obligated to tell them if you understand? Especially if they’re speaking about you under the belief you won’t know what they’re saying?
Do bilingual people or polyglots need to tell everyone they meet which languages they speak or understand? Or should people not make assumptions?
A woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her German in-laws discovered she was fluent in German and understood what they said about her.
Sea-Rip-9749 asked:
“AITA for not telling my husband’s family that I speak their language?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband Peter (29, male) and I (27, female) have been married for about three years. We have one child together and I was pregnant with our second.”
“I’m western Canadian while he is from Germany. We lived in Canada for a long time, but because of inflation moving back to Germany seemed like a better option for us. We bought a nice house in Hannover where Peter is from.”
“The day after our flights to Germany, we all visited Peter’s family. This was the second time I have seen them—the first was at our wedding.”
“They greeted us and brought us inside of the house, fussing over my son. We had dinner, and soon we left the house, wanting to settle into our new home.”
“We visited Peter’s family often for the next few months. But I had started to realize that they would sometimes speak about me in German.”
“They would make rude comments on my hair and makeup, question my fashion choices, and overall were just very unkind to me. They also said mean things about my pregnant belly which I was already insecure about.”
“I ended up talking to my husband about this. I told him that I didn’t like the way that they were treating me. I said that I hated how my every choice was judged. He told me that he would talk to his family.”
“The next time that we went to his parents house, there were no more mean comments. For about three months it was like nothing ever happened.”
“I gave birth to a perfect baby girl that we named Lilith. Peter’s family was very upset when they heard the name.”
“If you didn’t know, Lilith means ‘ghost’ or ‘of the night’. We didn’t pick this name because of its meaning, but because it is a name that every girl in my family has had for many years.”
“My middle name is Lilith, along with my mom’s, my grandma’s, and even my great grandma’s.”
“For a while I didn’t visit my in-laws. I didn’t want to hear them talk about how I shouldn’t have named my daughter Lilith.”
“But yesterday we saw them again. It was my mother-in-law’s birthday.”
“As soon as we showed up things started to go badly. Everybody wanted to hold Lilith which made my MIL upset because people weren’t paying attention to her and made me overwhelmed.”
“I didn’t want people holding her. I was going through a pretty bad postpartum depression and it was still pretty early to see people. I let people look at her, but declined when anyone asked to hold her.”
“During dinner I heard my SIL talking to my MIL in German. I heard her complaining about how she couldn’t hold my baby.”
“My SIL even had the audacity to call me, and I quote, ‘a fat ugly hockey addict’. I turned to my SIL and MIL and told them off in German.”
“I basically said that I have always known what they have said about me, but calling me names was the last straw. I also mentioned how I have known German for almost my whole life.”
“The table instantly blew up. People were yelling at me because apparently this was all my fault. I left with Peter and we haven’t talked to them since.”
“So, AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“The action that I took that should be judged is that I didn’t tell my husband’s family that I spoke their language. The action that might make me the a**hole is that I didn’t tell my husband’s family that I spoke their language for a long time.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“And you’re living in Germany? Do they really think you wouldn’t learn the language of the country where you live?”
“They have been extremely rude to you and about you, you are definitely NTA.”
“I think your husband needed to grow a shiny spine as soon as they started and should have told them off instantly, so he’s a bit of an A, or at very least a total wuss.” ~ WatchingTellyNow
“NTA. A**holes are never wrong. They remain a**holes by refusing to ever take ownership of their own words or actions, so they never have to change.”
“They can be as judgmental and insulting as they want because they’re right and anyone who challenges them must be at fault. So of course it’s your fault that they were insulting you.”
“They couldn’t possibly have been in the wrong. Sorry you married into a family of a**holes.” ~ Aestro17
“So your husband would just sit there while they were talking sh*t about you? He never mentioned to them that you actually understand and are fluent in the language?” ~ Embarrassed-Car6161
“Why hasn’t your husband been standing up for you before you asked him to?” ~ upagus
“Hearing people when they talk can’t make one an a**hole. Holding your tongue for awhile hearing people blatantly insulting and hating you in your actual presence can’t make one an a**hole.”
“Eventually having enough and having other people hear *you* can’t make one an a**hole. I hope next time you throw hands.” ~ Gap-Grindr
“NTA, but are you telling me that the first time you met your husband’s family was at your wedding? Now I’m not saying that you are to blame, but maybe you should have gotten to know your in-laws first before you decided to marry into the family.”
“I hope your husband remains on your side because your in-laws are a**holes.” ~ jaded_dahlia
“NTA obviously, but just curious, why have you never spoken in German to them or shown that you know it? Seems very odd they wouldn’t know you speak it fluently, no?” ~ Vacationenergy
“NTA but, I am wondering why you didn’t greet them and speak to them in German at your wedding or when you first moved to Germany.”
“Also, since you’ve always known German, I assume your family does too. Did they not speak to your in-laws at the wedding in German?” ~ ZweiGirl
“NTA.When my Dad converted to Catholicism he wanted to learn everything and do the best he could in his religious ed classes, which had take home tests. He never ever did good in school so also wanted to do really well on these tests because they meant a lot to him.”
“His religious ed teacher HATED that he kept getting 100% on these quizzes. She spoke fluent German.”
“She wrote ‘Dummkopf’—’Idiot’ in German—on one of his tests next to the 100%. Dad asked her after the next class why she wrote ‘Idiot’ on his test because he was clearly NOT an idiot.”
“She was shocked that he understood written German and instead of apologizing or explaining, she asked how he knew German! And he was, like, ‘Duh. My wife’s father was German…’.”
“She still never ever apologized and was more mad at him for knowing German than she had been about his quiz scores.” ~ ASweetTweetRose
“NTA, but you or Peter should have told them the first time they spoke badly of you that you could understand and speak their language. I knew people like that when I used to live in Olsterholz-Scharmbeck.”
“Go about your life with Peter and your daughter. Either they will get their heads out of their ass or not. That is on them. Enjoy the people who care about you.” ~ Badtanker63
“It is rude to speak in a language that not everyone in the room understands. The only exception is if a person you are talking to does not speak the common language, and you need to translate/take care of their needs.”
“It is rude to make rude comments about others, especially if you are doing it in a foreign language. You have only seen these people twice. Apparently, they have never asked you if you speak German. First thing my family asked when I introduced them to my future husband was ‘Can he speak our language?’.”
“Your husband talked to them, and they backed off for a while. Apparently, he also did not tell them you can understand what they are saying. This would have been a good time to tell them.”
“After your husband talked to them, you could have started speaking in German. Not doing so was a mistake on your part, but it doen’t exonerate your in-laws’ rude behavior- you are not a piece of furniture that they can talk over.”
“NTA. Your in-laws need a little reeducation. This would not have been a problem if they had been polite, in any language.” ~ PoppyHamentaschen
Regardless of the language spoken, it’s best to not say something about someone that you wouldn’t say directly to that person.
People almost always find out one way or another.