Living with roommates is an experience like no other.
It can be great or it can be a disaster.
One thing is for certain it is rarely ever like "The Golden Girls."
Case in point...
Redditor Unhappy-Screen9601 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for letting my boyfriend come over even though my roommate wears a hijab?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I live with 4 roommates and one of them is Muslim and wears a hijab, and that's awesome, I wouldn't even dream of saying it isn't her choice."
"She doesn't wear it at home of course since we're all girls and one guy, and that guy is her boyfriend and he stays with her in their room."
"She wears it when she's going out or when men except for her boyfriend come over."
"Absolutely none of us have a problem with it."
"Her boyfriend is a little messy and loud and sometimes sarcastic enough to irritate people, but it's okay it's nothing bad."
"He eats our food sometimes and although it's frustrating I'm not gonna pick a fight over it."
"I started dating someone a month ago and he's been coming over often. Almost everyday."
"We usually stick to my room except for when we're cooking or sitting in the living room."
"My roommate is wearing a hijab at home since he's coming over and I didn't notice that until she and her boyfriend confronted me about it after my boyfriend left yesterday night."
"They said it's very frustrating for my roommate to have to wear a hijab 24x7 when my boyfriend is home and that they want me to restrict him coming over to twice a week."
"I said that's ridiculous because her annoying a** boyfriend is here every single day and none of us complain."
"So why should my boyfriend not be allowed over?"
"She said I'm disrespecting her and that it's wrong of me to expect her to wear a hijab 24x7."
"I told her I'll be bringing my boyfriend over whenever I want and she doesn't have a say in it."
"They've been trying to convince me that what I'm doing is horrible and rude and I don't know what to think."
"Am I being racist and wrong?"
"It's not my fault she has to cover up, why should she be allowed to have her boyfriend with her but the rest of us have to suffer?"
"Plus roommate's boyfriend is a permanent guest, he doesn't pay rent he just stays here because otherwise he'd be homeless."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA - setting boundaries for how often guests can be over is an important part of living in a roommate situation."
"And it's perfectly reasonable for you to assume that since she has her boyfriend over daily, you are all welcome to have guests daily."
"If she wants to change it, that's a conversation to be had: but it needs to apply to everyone, including her."
"So if guys can only come over twice a week, that applies to her partner too."
"She cannot expect you to conform to her religious beliefs in how you conduct your social life - she's welcome to wear her hijab or not."
"But you are under no obligation to work around her clothing requirements." ~ erikarew
"I know Jews who don't pay attention to kosher rules at all."
"Largely because they see them as an outdated life-hack for avoiding spoiled or dangerous food, rather than an act of devotion."
"There's a wide range of strictness in Jewish practice, even for those who still consider themselves religious to some degree."
"Therefore, I don't actually find it surprising that someone might wear a hijab as an act of devotion that she wants to perform."
"But, that she may make the choice to be less strict about the line between boyfriend/husband."
"That she does the latter doesn't mean the former isn't important to her as a Muslim."
"NTA for OP, though."
"That's the deal with group living."
"Roommate cannot expect her non-Muslim roommates to conform to hijabi rules."
"Certainly, a compromise would be reasonable (it sounds like she wants men around only a few days a week, not every day)."
"But not when she isn't offering to abide by that compromise herself ('her' boyfriend gets to be live-in)."
"The fact that her boyfriend is live-in due to extenuating circumstances also doesn't change the fact that it's not a compromise if she isn't giving up something herself." ~ eregyrn
"I get that for the roommate, it may actually have been easier to rationalize having a live-in boyfriend and not wearing her hijab with him (as a 'husband-lite'), than it would be to not wear the hijab around a relative stranger."
"I think that saying 'she could just not wear it' doesn't take it seriously enough as an act of religious devotion that she apparently IS serious about performing."
"Overall, though, I'm on OP's side."
"It's NOT reasonable of roommate to expect her non-Muslim roommates to give up privileges that she herself enjoys (i.e. live-in boyfriend), just to help her maintain a religious practice that they are not a part of."
"And it doesn't sound like hijabi roommate is offering any compromise."
"(Going by the edit that explains that it's not possible for her boyfriend to be there less often, right now.)". ~ eregyrn
"As a Muslim I'd like to caution against judging people's personal journeys."
"I wear hijab but that doesn't mean I'm a perfect Muslim and the same extends to the roommate."
"That's being said, OP is NTA."
"She can't have a guest living with you everyday, rent-free, yet impose a different standard on you."
"When I shared a flat with non-Muslim roommates we had an agreement that guests weren't allowed to stay over too many times a week,"
"But, the difference was that EVERYONE abided by it."
"As long as you're giving her a heads up before he comes over so she can make sure she has her Hijaab on."
"She has no right to limit your time with your boyfriend in your own home."
"Not unless she's willing to sign up to the same rule for her boyfriend." ~ Zeb687
"It's more the fact that the roommate is putting her observance of the rules as another's responsibility, not that she's imperfect but that she's obviously resentful of wearing the hijab."
"And is using her religion as the reason for it and is blaming OP for the fact that she's having to abide by the rules she chose for her life while ignoring the other rules of her religion so blatantly."
"It's the difference of, 'damn you should have told that this dish contained pork, you know I'm Muslim' or 'damn, you can't have pork chops or bacon in the apartment because even though it's obviously against my religion and I know what it is, I might want to eat it and screw up.'"
"First one, yeah, OP bears some blame and the overreaction to what might be an honest mistake is a sign of a faulty human."
"The second one is blaming others for a choice you made being too hard to abide by."
"I wonder if roommate is western girl converted to Muslim because of some person in her life like current boyfriend and hasn't actually researched any of the religious beliefs of her chosen religion or is legitimately born into a devout Muslim home."
"It won't make a difference, OP is still NTA and roommate is definitely the wrong one here."
"But it could provide insight to why she's choosing some rules and ignoring others."
"She may legit not know the other rules." ~ Medical_Ad0716
"I mean pretty much no religious person follows all the rules all the time."
"Plenty of people call themselves Catholic but still have sex before marriage and use condoms."
"It is hypocritical but people are allowed to set whatever boundaries they want or practice their faith however they want, that's between them and their God."
"OP's roommate is TA here because she's trying to enforce this rule when her boyfriend is over all the time, but she is free to feel or not feel however she wants about this dude seeing her hair."
"OP isn't obliged to follow the rule, but the roommate would be an a**hole in this situation no matter why she didn't want OP to bring her boyfriend over."
"The fact that she's using a religious reason that isn't like 100% scripturally sound and she breaks other rules but not this one is kind of annoying, sure, but it doesn't mean she's not allowed to practice her religion however she wants."
"By which I mean wear the hijab around all men except her boyfriend, not force all her roommates to not have people over."
"Long story short, OP you are NTA and your roommate can deal with it, but don't make it about her religion because she can follow or not follow whatever rules she wants."
"This is a run of the mill fairness issue, if she gets to have her boyfriend over all the time she can't complain about you doing the same."
"If she wants to cover her head around all the men in the world except her family and her boyfriend, she can go ahead and do that."
"But she can't expect you to give up your right to do things in your own home just because it's inconvenient for her." ~ DonerDonDada
"NTA. Isn't she violating her own rules by having her boyfriend see her without the hijab, let along having him in her bedroom?"
"I'm pretty sure that most strict Muslims would have a serious problem with what she's doing, which is having relations with a man and not being married to him."
"In other words, she's a hypocrite." ~ AMerrickanGirl
Fair is fair.
Everybody has to make compromises when cohabitating.
It sounds like Reddit has OP's back here.
So hopefully she can call a house meeting and repair the situation.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.