When there's a special event, the first people we think about inviting are the people we love most.
But when we aren't invited or it doesn't matter if we don't attend, sometimes we realize the love we felt wasn't reciprocated, though we might not know why, reflected the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
When Redditor New-Pea-3721 arrived at her sister's wedding, she discovered her sister had lied about her wedding being child-free as a way to stop her from bringing her baby.
The Original Poster (OP) was shocked when she claimed that she had closer family to consider than her sister and niece.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for leaving my sister's wedding?"
The OP respected her sister's decision to host a child-free wedding day.
"I (24 Female) and my sister (26 Female) have never been crazy close, but we get on well."
"I found out I was pregnant with my daughter (unplanned) about a year after she announced she was engaged."
"At the time the invitations were sent out, my daughter wasn't born, but she would have been at the time of the wedding, so I called my sister and asked what the rules were in regard to children."
"She said it was child-free."
"I made arrangements for someone to have the baby on the day of the wedding, and thought no more of it."
But then the OP discovered the truth about her sister's wedding.
"My daughter was four months old by the time the wedding day came."
"My sister had met her once and that was only because I went down to see her (I live 100 miles away)."
"We got to the wedding, and turns out, it was not child-free. It was not even baby-free."
"This broke my heart, and I was so angry, so I just left the wedding and went and picked up my child, and drove back home."
The OP's sister confronted her about her decision to leave the wedding.
"Two weeks later, my sister called me and asked why my husband and I left."
"When I told her, she kicked off, saying it wasn't personal that my daughter wasn't invited. The other babies were invited as they were her family."
"I just told her that her niece is also her family and hung up."
The OP shared details about how her sister treated her during her pregnancy.
"I have no idea why she would say that about my daughter. We've never had any arguments, fights, or anything of the sort."
"It all changed as soon as I told her I was pregnant. It was like she didn't want to know me anymore."
"For some additional context, I was extremely unwell my entire pregnancy and almost died giving birth. Not once did my sister ask how we were, not even when the baby was born (not even a text to say congratulations)."
She also shared details about her relationship with her mother and sister.
"Also, my mother and my sister haven't spoken in years. The argument my mother and my sister had had absolutely nothing to do with me, though."
"When my sister got engaged, she told our mother she didn't want to put her down as the mother of the bride. She wanted to put her landlady down instead."
"My sister and her landlord are very close, and she is a wonderful woman, but my sister and our mother were also very close, and this hurt my mother a lot."
"She also didn't go and visit my mother in hospital after she had a major operation for a brain tumor, and I think the wedding thing was the final straw."
"My mother and my sister were always very close. Closer than me and my mother are now, and closer than me and my sister were. What my sister did really crushed my mother. Even my dad said my sister F'ed up there, and he and my mother can't stand each other."
"My mother and I are now very close. This may be the reason she's acting this way, but everything seemed okay to me with my sister for the first year while they weren't speaking. Maybe they weren't okay, and I didn't notice. I was extremely unwell at the time."
The OP felt conflicted.
"Some of my family think I'm TA and should have just sucked it up for my sister's wedding, but my friends are on my side. My mother also had a lot to say about the situation."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some theorized that the sister was angry with the OP for messing up her wedding year.
"Do you think she felt your being pregnant around the time of the wedding took attention away from her? (Which she clearly would be an AH for.)" - jrm1102
"Not only was OP pregnant in the lead-up to the wedding, but she was also very unwell and almost died during childbirth."
"I imagine OP's health was a hot topic of conversation, which diverted attention away from sister's wedding, and the parents especially were probably far too worried about OP to be able to give the wedding the kind of attention sister wanted." - ImStealingTheTowels
"You got pregnant/gave birth in her 'wedding year.' She was afraid you would draw attention from her, that family would want to see your child, etc."
"She went out of her way to be cruel to you, ignore you and her new niece, lied to you, and caused you inconvenience because she was jealous that a tiny bit of attention might have been diverted from her to you." - Reasonable_raccoon
"Your sister is extremely jealous of you and that you became a mother BEFORE her, given that she's older than you. Talk about being pathetic and petty. She feels threatened by you and your little family and wanted to be a mother before you so she could give your parents their FIRST grandchild, but you took that away from her."
"And now she's acting like your baby doesn't exist and is no big deal so she doesn't get reminded of the fact that her parents have a grandchild. She wants to be the center of attention, and you getting pregnant before her has hurt her fragile little ego. Go NC for good. And never look back. She is beyond pathetic." - Wonderful-Top-2262
"NTA. I don't have kids, and I'm 100% behind people having whatever wedding they want to have, but... your sister lied about having a child-free wedding and appears to have only lied to you on some kind of made-up excuse."
"The fact that anyone in your family thinks your TA is rather appalling. If you'd made a scene at the wedding, that would be one thing, but you took the high road and left, and then the w*nch took two weeks to decide she was upset with you?"
"You got the better end of the event: spending time with your real family rather than a pack of rude a** meatheads."
"If you haven't already gotten your sister a wedding gift, perhaps you should send her this book: 'How Not to be an A**hole Wife and Lose Your Husband'?" - jaimystery
Others were concerned the OP's sister would never be her daughter's aunt.
"Not to be harsh, but that may be your sister, but it's doubtful she will ever truly be your daughter's aunt."
"NTA at all. It's extremely bizarre how your sister can say other babies are her relatives, but your daughter isn't." - Safe_Initiative1340
"I'm so, so sorry. I can't even imagine how hurtful this must feel. I don't have kids, but my older sister does, and I love them as if I'd given birth to them myself. I actually gasped when your sister 'explained' about your daughter not being invited because 'the other babies are family.' What a shockingly awful, hateful thing to say."
"Given that you felt that you'd always gotten on well before, I might actually suggest approaching her and asking what could possibly have happened that you're unaware of that would make her feel so unwelcoming towards you and your child."
"This just seems so odd. Like, she wasn't just indifferent, that was a truly awful thing to say to you, and even more so if you've never had any big fallings-out." - Sorry_I_Guess
"I have sisters that I chose in lieu of bio family and they consider my DOG family! Like they actually do, my dog and I are a package visitation and they have treats on hand for when we visit. And don't get me started on what their kids mean to me and what I would do for them."
"I can't imagine how much it hurt to hear your baby is not family and was specifically not invited." - doyouavealicense
"OP, she isn't your child's auntie. She may be an aunt by blood, but she doesn't respect you or your child."
"You gotta stop tearing your heart out for someone who doesn't actually care about you or your kiddo." - Hakkonnis
"She said, 'The other babies were invited as they were her family.' Whoah, Whoah, Whoah. If I heard my sibling say that about my child, I would be absolutely heartbroken and angry."
"Your sister and your family who wide with her are the a**holes. Imagine if she said the same thing about their children. I bet they would feel the same way you do. NTA." - bethargo
"NTA! I don't know who these family members are, but I get the feeling your sister is either the golden child for them, or they have just accepted that she is the queen bee and parrot whatever she tells them to think."
"I can't say that your sister gets on well with you. She's uncaring, unkind, and completely and cruelly dismissive of you and your family. I'm surprised she let your husband attend. I'm surprised she even noticed that you left (must have felt the loss of people admiring her amazingness)."
"This is not a case of a person making one stupid gaff, so you can be hurt but should eventually forgive them. This is a person who, from the start and for over a year, intentionally and with malice of forethought, made clear to you that she denies your own flesh as being any kin of hers. She meant it; it wasn't a mistake, and she stands by her actions. That's not something you just overlook and accept."
"So who are all these babies that are her family before her own niece? You know what? Who cares! She can have them. Enjoy your new baby, and take care of you and your family of 3. I don't think you need to give that person another thought, and I don't think you are going to miss her one bit."
"(And if she ever comes around you wanting something and saying, '...but, FAAAMILY,' you can tell her to go check with whoever those wedding guests with their kids were.)" - swillshop
The subReddit was just as taken aback and confused by the sister's refusal for the OP to bring her daughter as the OP was.
Whether it was because they were not as close as the OP thought, or because of jealousy about her wedding year, or something else, it was clear to the subReddit that there was something more at play here than a simple wedding invitation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp