What's in a name?
We all have one.
Some are great, some not.
And the beauty that people never seem to realize is... names are not permanent.
You can change your name.
Now, will everyone like your choice?
Probably not.
And there in lies the rub.
Case in point...
Redditor redlady1917 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my friend that I hate their new name?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Me (21) and Alex (20) have been friends since high school."'
"And we also were in a romantic relationship for about 2.5 years."
"A few years ago he came out as trans and have been using an abbreviated version of his birth name since then."
"A few days ago they asked me if I thought a new name, Charlie, suited him."
"I told him I liked the name but it reminded me of a classmate from school who we both didn't like so it makes me hate the name."
"He said he'd completely forgotten about that guy and wasn't going to decide his name based on some 'random guy' from high school, got angry at me, called me insensitive and a bad friend."
"The truth is that that guy from school is a real sore spot for me."
"He stalked me, constantly asked me out, and at one point even tried touching me inappropriately and without consent."
"I had told Alex all of this when it happened, but they didn't remember, which is okay."
"I told them again after they got angry about the name thing, and they said I was making things about myself."
"Small clarification if it matters: I never said I wouldn't use the name if he decided to stick with it."
"I only told them why I didn't like it."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. They asked." ~ Targa85
"NTA. He asked and you answered honestly." ~ aquay
"NTA - they literally asked you what your opinion was."
"You'd be making it about you if you interrupted him and said it but he explicitly asked you what you thought."
"Plus it's not like this dude was mean to you once."
"That's the name of someone who stalked you and sexually harassed you."
"Alex has every right to choose their name but personally?"
"I wouldn't name myself after my best friend's harasser." ~ GeneNeat906
"NTA, they asked you your opinion but obviously didn't really want to know." ~ MauiRome
"NTA. He asked your opinion and you gave it. If he didn't want it he wouldn't had asked."
"It would had been one thing him saying 'so my official name is now Charlie' and then you were like 'that name sucks change it.'" ~ kbalfore
"NTA. They asked for your opinion, and that was your opinion."
"I have no idea how others are saying you made it about yourself if Alex/Charlie was the one to ask for your opinion." ~ herecomeskai
"Well, you answered their question but you thought about your relationship with the name, from your P[oint] O[f] V[iew] rather than thinking about your friend's POV and their personal connection with the name."
"I think this is most of a misunderstanding than malicious behavior. NAH."
"My advice: please don't waste a friendship over this, explain yourself, have a nice conversation, and support your friend in their journey."
"Also, you will find a lot of bad Charlies and a lot of good Charlies in your life."
"Don't let an AH ruin a beautiful name for you or anyone else." ~ perfumgenius
"NTA, they asked your opinion, you gave it, you can't help that your reasons are personal."
"Whenever I think of hypothetical names, almost the biggest disqualifying factor is bad associations with other people with the name."
"They can now choose the name anyway because what you think doesn't matter to them."
"And you would I imagine not bring this up again and be ok with that, and that's their choice, but they shouldn't have attacked you for answering the question." ~ Arc_Nexus
"NTA. They asked, you said your reasoning. They got offended by it, so it's not your fault."
"They can still choose to pick the name knowing how you feel, and get on with their life."
"As someone who has changed their name, nothing is set in stone until you make it official and put in on paper."
"I tried a few names before I picked one." ~ Ok_Kangaroo708
"A lot of conflicting comments here but in my opinion you're NTA."
"They asked for your opinion on the name and you gave it."
"If they wanted to just get praises for their name and not get any feedback on it they would have just gone ahead and changed it."
"And instead of asking people for their opinions on it just said 'I think I'm gonna change my name to Charlie' so that no question of opinion was asked."
"It's just a statement and would most likely incur nothing but praise most of the time." ~ Ec1ips3games
"NTA. You were asked for your opinion, and you gave an honest answer."
"However, it is not your call on their choice of names."
"I understand not liking a name because of associations, but you need to get past it in order to get on in life." ~ sunrise_library
"NTA. Ask a question, get an answer, as they say."
"I'm trans masc as well and if I asked a close friend what they thought of my chosen name and they said it was the name of someone who had severely traumatized them I'd swiftly can that name." ~ BarbicideJar
"NTA - if he asked you what you thought and you told him nicely, then there's nothing wrong with you not liking it."
"He can decide to keep the name and you may be irritated because it reminds you of someone you don't like, but that's your problem." ~ MGandPG
"NTA he didn't ask you if you'd give him permission to use the name, he asked you what you thought of it."
"If the only ethical answer to a question is a lie, then the question is unethical."
"No one should be forced to compromise their morals and sincerity this way."
"Don't ask questions you don't want honest answers to, that's what I say!" ~ CopsaLau
"NTA. Alex is not your friend if they don't remember the treatment you received from Charlie."
"I would strongly be reconsidering the balance of the friendship if they get mad at you for doubling down on choosing to retraumatize you by their choice in name."
'Alex will need to decide if they value your presence in their life more than the name Charlie as long term I doubt both will be able to fit in." ~ Karfin
"NTA as someone with sexual assault trauma I would be appalled if my best friend and former ex asked if they could change their name to that guy's name. Holy crap???? NTA."
"Make him read these comments because dude (talking to you, man): think about the impact of hearing that constantly."
"Similar to a deadname you wouldn't want to constantly hear the name of your assaulter." ~ frgreen954
"NTA, you didn't even say that the name itself was bad, but rather that you didn't like the person you knew with that name."
"I get that it's a big change but your friend should have thought about whether or not they could accept an honest answer before asking." ~ angryage
"NTA. I'm sorry, am I missing something here?"
"He asked for your opinion, you told him you didn't like it, and he got mad that you gave him your opinion."
"Why is he getting upset? Did he really expect you to like the name?"
"And besides, just because he doesn't agree with your opinion about his name doesn't mean he has to abide with your feelings."
"You just told him you don't like it."
"Well, he could still continue having the world call him Charlie if he so chose."
"That's the beauty of picking your name, no one else will have the final say in it." ~ MiggyTennis
"NTA cause they asked."
"But damn, I never know why people associate a sh*t person with their name."
"Are you just gonna go around disliking every Charlie you meet because of that one guy?"
"That's not cool."
"Get over your hatred of the name and learn to just hate the person." ~ RecommendsMalazan
Reddit is here for you OP.
A person really can't get mad about an opinion they asked for.
Maybe try to come to peace about the name.
Others in the world have it.
But it sounds like you were just being honest.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.