The most amazing part of human civilization is that we have one.
Have you met people?
Infinitely complex, easily agitated, and even worse when they group up!
As complicated as relationships can be, we still find ourselves in them – and judging the relationships, others find themselves in.
Are we necessarily wrong for that judgment, though?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Simple-Part-187 when they came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
“AITA for telling my daughter that I’m disappointed in her?”
First, the introductions.
“It’s been rough with my only daughter as of late.”
“My husband and I (both of us are 55) have one daughter (30F). We have been married and coming up on 32 years soon.”
“My daughter was in a long relationship and married for approximately nine years, and for a long time, I thought that it was a good relationship, when out of nowhere, around three years ago, she decided to divorce her ex-husband.”
“We were told it was a mutual decision, but that ultimately, he wasn’t the greatest partner, and there were many things that she was not satisfied with in their relationship.”
“So she wanted to leave. We supported her decision.”
“About a year after the divorce, she introduced us to her new boyfriend.”
“And while my husband and I thought it may be a bit early to date, we decided to continue to support her and meet him.”
“He was and is a very charming man who treats our daughter wonderfully, and you can tell she is extremely happy.”
Everything is fine. No story here!
“Now to the argument.”
“Recently, we were talking with one of our daughter’s friends who was visiting our town, and were discussing our daughter’s job and her wonderful boyfriend.”
“Her friend in the conversation made a comment about how they were lucky to be in the same orientation together when they started work.”
“As soon as she saw our confused faces, she gave us the full story, as she realized we hadn’t been given it.”
The full, more complicated story.
“Our daughter had told us while she and her boyfriend worked for the same employer, they didn’t meet until after the divorce.”
“We pressed the friend for more information, and she begrudgingly told us that our daughter and her boyfriend had met during orientation at work while our daughter was going through her marital issues.”
“This led to them becoming closer and her filing for divorce from her ex-husband about a year later.”
“So later that day, I asked to have a conversation with my daughter and brought up what her friend had told us.”
“She turned white as snow and basically confirmed her friend’s story. But reiterated that there was no physical cheating.”
“I told her that physical cheating was not the only way that you could hurt someone.”
“And that it appeared that she had emotionally cheated on her ex-husband.”
“He may not have been the greatest person, but it didn’t excuse her actions.”
“I told her that I was disappointed in her, and while I supported her leaving a bad marriage, I couldn’t look at her and her boyfriend the same in this new light in regards to cheating.”
“I still love her and will treat her boyfriend with respect, but it is definitely something I have a hard time looking past.”
“She got angry with me for not continuing to support her in her journey beyond divorce.”
OP was left to wonder,
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
The ruling was brutal.
“Wow… just, wow. YTA.”
“You think dating someone new a year after a divorce is somehow ‘too soon.’ What?”
“You admit that you know that your daughter had ‘martial issues’ before she met this new guy, yet you’ve drawn the conclusion that he was somehow a part of her filing for divorce because she was ’emotionally’ cheating on her husband.”
“You concede her husband was a bad partner (while omitting any information on why/how he was a bad partner), but then said it didn’t ‘excuse’ her actions.”
“What actions does she need to excuse, OP?”
“Talking to a new friend who happens to be male?”
“You claim you support her choice to leave a bad marriage.”
“Did it not occur to you, OP, that your daughter filed for divorce when she met a man who – as a friend – treated her with the respect and care that she had always wanted from her husband but hadn’t ever gotten?”
“Did it occur to you that maybe meeting him showed her that she didn’t have to settle for what she had been living with?”
“She clearly lied to you about it because she knew this is how you’d react. Are you even disappointed with your daughter, OP?”
“Are you sure the disappointment isn’t with yourself?” ~ toxicredox
“The thing I’m stuck on is why we all are taking OP’s perspective that it was meeting the guy that sparked the end of the marriage.”
“We actually have no evidence of that.”
“First, there’s a whole year between meeting him and divorcing, and we don’t know how close they were at work in that year.”
“Second, she also started a new job.”
“Was it a ‘first’ job (first full-time, first in this kind of position etc)?”
“Did it change something in her home life (amount of money, with load, commute, etc)”
“And make how much she was expected to do at home stand out (because what was told here sounds like her ex was, at minimum, one of those guys who makes sure his wife can do all the housework)?”
“Also, there’s been married a long time. Who knows how long she’d been trying to improve the relationship? Maybe the timing is completely disconnected from the job and the guy.”
“But OP implies the guy is why and we all accept that in our responses… It’s interesting because we should be responding that she literally had no reason to connect those things.” ~ LimitlessMegan
OP’s opinion seemed restrictive.
“I’m glad someone else mentioned OP feeling one year was too soon to date someone after a divorce;”
“She’s acting like someone died. A divorced person is under no obligation to avoid dating again to protect the ex’s feelings.” ~ Nightshade1387
“Like I’ve never gotten this “waiting” logic. Definitely understand if you emotionally don’t feel ready to date again, but that is YOUR choice and no one else’s.”
“You could wait five years, you could cartwheel onto 19 d*cks on your way out of the courthouse, that’s for you and only you to decide.” ~ TrieshaMandrell
“Yeah, I totally side-eyed ‘a bit too early to date’ at a year.”
“While maybe it would be “too early” if it were just a few weeks, a year is … a long time.”
“Not only that, but a lot of people have emotional closure in a relationship before it truly officially ends.”
“My ex and I decided to divorce in February*, and I went into therapy to deal with my feelings and get some closure on the relationship.”
“In April we filed the paperwork to divorce and put our house on the market (got an offer within a week).”
“The closing was in early July and we both moved into new places.”
“Our divorce wasn’t even final until November because of paperwork.”
“I started dating in September, because I was ready to do so.”
“I’d had 6 months, I’d had therapy to work through things. I was in a good place to start again, so I did. I was in a relationship by October.”
“There is no set amount of time to grieve the end of a relationship. It depends on the people, the relationship, the timing, etc.”
“*My divorce was amicable. Sad, but amicable.” ~ _Wims_
Not everyone came down against OP, though.
“NTA – i am so surprised by all the votes.”
“If she was unhappy and he was a bad husband, then she should have divorced him first.”
“Not get involved with someone else and then get the courage to leave.”
“For anyone that has been betrayed, this is the fundamental break of trust that occurs, and then the cheaters justify their leaving because the spouse was bad, etc.”
“I understand your disappointment, and while it does not sound judgy to me – it’s fine to share your thoughts.”
“Bottom line – she lied to you and hid the facts from you – because she knew it was wrong.” ~ Oh_Wiseone
“Marriages that fail are typically over long before the court declares it so. Your daughter’s sounds as if it definitely fits that bill.”
“Was she wrong to be emotionally invested somewhere else before the paperwork was done? Who knows. Maybe.”
“But the bottom line is it isn’t her new beau that you should be judging for that; it is your daughter.”
“NTA for being disappointed in her – potentially – bad timing. But not so clear cut on judgin’ the fella, again, is is her, not him, that should be holding to a standard.” ~ Intrepid_Potential60
The difficulty of judging a relationship goes up the further removed you are from it.
Good or bad, the only people who know what is happening in a relationship are the people directly involved in it.