It’s not easy for a parent to be fully supportive of their grown child’s dating partner.
Most of the time, they do the best to accommodate a new boyfriend or girlfriend as much as they can as long as it makes their child happy.
However, one parent found a particular idiosyncrasy that drove them wild.
So when they upset their daughter over a recent development, they visited the “Am I the a**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor Ok-Towel4975 asked:
“AITA if I asked my daughter’s Deipnophobic boyfriend not to come over when we are eating?”
Deipnophobia is described as someone who has a fear of dining out or engaging in dinner conversation relating to an anxiety disorder.
The original poster (OP) explained why this issue was a personal one.
“My daughter been dating this guy a couple months. One day he was going to hang out and watch movies and have pizza.”
“We ordered pizza, extra to ensure we had enough for him, and as soon as I got home with it, he walked out without even saying goodbye, which we thought was rude.”
“On another occasion we invited him to a restaurant to celebrate a special event for my daughter. He ordered food, but didn’t eat and spent most of the dinner in the bathroom.”
These were not one-off occurrences.
The OP continued:
“Finally we spent the day out with him along and stopped for food. We were all famished. I encouraged him to order something, my treat, along with everyone else and he refused.”
“Then He just sat there awkwardly watching everyone eat. It made me very uncomfortable because I don’t like people watching me eat.”
“I told my daughter that I think he’s been pretty rude, but she likes him so she thinks his behavior is no big deal.”
The truth came out.
“A little while later, my daughter informs us that he has a issue eating in front of people. So I say ‘well that’s fine, but then he doesn’t need to hang around at mealtimes because it makes me uncomfortable eating in front of someone that isn’t eating with us.’ “
“Now my daughter is mad that I’m discriminating against his disability and I wouldn’t treat someone else like that if they have a disability. Am I the a**hole for not wanting him around at mealtimes?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors responded according, but the top comment was from a user who thought everyone sucks here (ESH).
“If someone has a phobia of eating in front of others but otherwise still wants to hang with the gang during meal times, forcing them out of the dinner table is unnecessarily harsh.”
“Would you force someone away from the table if they just had dental work and can’t eat, or if there was any compelling physical reason why they wouldn’t be able to join in the meal? Somehow I doubt it. Just being ‘uncomfortable’ with someone not eating at the table isn’t a good enough reason to tell them to leave.”
“That being said, if you didn’t want the guy around because he had been rude for doing things like leaving without saying goodbye the moment you come home with food, or ordering something and then not eating it, that’s a different matter entirely. It lowkey does sound like this guy has severe social anxiety around food and company, but he really should have let you know instead of forcing your daughter to explain it to you secondhand.”
“He also definitely should’ve let you know before letting the situation devolve into scenarios you mentioned before (the walking out on the movie, ordering and then not eating), where his behavior can easily be mistaken for outright rudeness.”
“Depending on how involved you intend to get with this guy / how serious your daughter is about the relationship, it might be worth having a conversation with him about this so you know how to proceed with him going forward, about whether or not you should offer food when he comes over, or if he even wants to be there for mealtime with the gang… without just, you know, fully stone-walling him.”
“EDIT: Need to deliver judgement since this is the top comment somehow, so f’k it, ESH. If you’re going to exclude the guy from the table, don’t hide it behind a flimsy reason like ‘him not eating makes me uncomfortable’ – that’s what your daughter is using as ammo against you bc it’s BS.”
“Just tell her that you didn’t like how he acted outside of not eating and cite how he behaved rudely in previous encounters, and that’s why you don’t want him at the table anymore – phobia/disability does not give you a pass to leave without saying goodbye or order food on someone else’s dime then not eat anything and then spend the entire dinner in the bathroom.”
“If you intend to build a more positive relationship with him, though, it might be worth asking him if he even wants to be invited to meals to begin with bc it honestly sounds like he doesn’t.”
“You are entitled to be comfortable eating in your own home. There is nothing stopping you from disinviting someone from the table for any reason. However, disinviting someone from the table solely because they don’t/can’t eat can be seen as a-holeish or even discriminatory, which is why OP’s daughter in crying discrimination.”
“All of this can be fixed by just changing your reason for disinviting him to ‘I don’t want him over at meals because he acts rudely while also not eating.’ “
“Citing his silent departure at the movie/pizza incident, or his ordering at the restaurant event and then not eating, or even just his sitting around awkwardly while staring and not contributing to the social atmosphere while not eating are all valid and shifts the blame from something passive that he shouldn’t reasonably be blamed for (not eating) to something active that he can and should be held accountable for (being rude).”
“Your daughter cannot cry discrimination because phobias/disabilities/whatever do not give you an excuse to actively be rude and ruin everybody else’s time.”
“Alternatively, all of this can probably be fixed by just talking to him directly, which nobody seems to have done.” – sixoo6
“Good luck to that dude because that sounds like a horrible way to live. I think NTA because he ordered food at the special event, presumably you paid for it, and then didn’t eat it. Did he take it home?”
“And not communicating why he’s leaving the room is weird, and yeah, I would find it rude, too. This is the sort of disability that he should get therapy for until he can eat in front of others comfortably.”
“Like he spent a special evening in the bathroom. Why? If he wasn’t eating then what was the problem? You mentioned he sits there awkwardly. Does he talk to people?” – Thewhirlwindblitz
“NTA – It’s ok if he has this phobia/disability but what’s not ok is the fact that he doesn’t communicate anything about it but will sit in the bathroom or order food and then not eat it. This is rude behavior.”
“Not sure why he has to be there at mealtimes if he’s not going to eat anyway. Why can’t he come over before or after meals?” – Unhappy-Prune-9914
“NTA.”
“Phobias are not disabilities, they are anxiety disorders, and her boyfriend either needs to get therapy for his discomfort or – as you have suggested – avoid causing YOU discomfort.”
“Edit – I see other commenters are treating the phobia as a disability. For me, the difference is that a disability is not always ‘manageable/fixable’ in respect of being treatable, although of course accommodations can and should be made. Anxiety disorders are 100% treatable if the person is willing to engage with that.”
“It’s only not ‘none here’ because your daughter is being ridiculous, I’m afraid. You’re specifically uninviting her boyfriend from meals because of his behaviors. If she had a mobility impaired or deaf boyfriend (for example) I’m sure you would be happy to have him eat with you.” – TeenySod
“Unpopular opinion, but YTA. It’s (presumably) a young teenage boy learning how to interact with his girlfriend’s family, which can take a long time to get used to and comfortable with. Meal time itself is a stressor because what if everyone eats differently then you? (Coming from personal experience, it took me a year as a kid to get comfortable eating at a friend’s house I regularly stayed at.)”
“Taking your personal discomfort and directing it towards kids who are learning how to manage their own discomforts and feelings isn’t a good example to set for either child.”
“I’d recommend taking the time to converse sincerely about this. Not only will it strengthen your relationship with your daughter by showing you care about her and her potential s/o’s, but it shows the boy that future in laws aren’t inherently scary and you create a safe place.” – MangosUnlimited
Overall, Redditors thought the OP was drastic in their decision to ban the boyfriend from dinner occasions with the family and that the more sound response would have been to have a conversation with him to come to an understanding on how to move forward if he is to seriously be a part of their daughter’s life.
Redditors also thought the boyfriend’s phobia was not an excuse to behave rudely by being so dismissive of the parent’s initial generosity and kindness.
Hopefully, a heart-to-heart relationship will ease tensions and help them move on from the awkward dilemma.