It's not easy for a parent to be fully supportive of their grown child's dating partner.
Most of the time, they do the best to accommodate a new boyfriend or girlfriend as much as they can as long as it makes their child happy.
However, one parent found a particular idiosyncrasy that drove them wild.
So when they upset their daughter over a recent development, they visited the "Am I the a**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor Ok-Towel4975 asked:
"AITA if I asked my daughter's Deipnophobic boyfriend not to come over when we are eating?"
Deipnophobia is described as someone who has a fear of dining out or engaging in dinner conversation relating to an anxiety disorder.
The original poster (OP) explained why this issue was a personal one.
"My daughter been dating this guy a couple months. One day he was going to hang out and watch movies and have pizza."
"We ordered pizza, extra to ensure we had enough for him, and as soon as I got home with it, he walked out without even saying goodbye, which we thought was rude."
"On another occasion we invited him to a restaurant to celebrate a special event for my daughter. He ordered food, but didn't eat and spent most of the dinner in the bathroom."
These were not one-off occurrences.
The OP continued:
"Finally we spent the day out with him along and stopped for food. We were all famished. I encouraged him to order something, my treat, along with everyone else and he refused."
"Then He just sat there awkwardly watching everyone eat. It made me very uncomfortable because I don't like people watching me eat."
"I told my daughter that I think he's been pretty rude, but she likes him so she thinks his behavior is no big deal."
The truth came out.
"A little while later, my daughter informs us that he has a issue eating in front of people. So I say 'well that's fine, but then he doesn't need to hang around at mealtimes because it makes me uncomfortable eating in front of someone that isn't eating with us.' "
"Now my daughter is mad that I'm discriminating against his disability and I wouldn't treat someone else like that if they have a disability. Am I the a**hole for not wanting him around at mealtimes?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors responded according, but the top comment was from a user who thought everyone sucks here (ESH).
"If someone has a phobia of eating in front of others but otherwise still wants to hang with the gang during meal times, forcing them out of the dinner table is unnecessarily harsh."
"Would you force someone away from the table if they just had dental work and can't eat, or if there was any compelling physical reason why they wouldn't be able to join in the meal? Somehow I doubt it. Just being 'uncomfortable' with someone not eating at the table isn't a good enough reason to tell them to leave."
"That being said, if you didn't want the guy around because he had been rude for doing things like leaving without saying goodbye the moment you come home with food, or ordering something and then not eating it, that's a different matter entirely. It lowkey does sound like this guy has severe social anxiety around food and company, but he really should have let you know instead of forcing your daughter to explain it to you secondhand."
"He also definitely should've let you know before letting the situation devolve into scenarios you mentioned before (the walking out on the movie, ordering and then not eating), where his behavior can easily be mistaken for outright rudeness."
"Depending on how involved you intend to get with this guy / how serious your daughter is about the relationship, it might be worth having a conversation with him about this so you know how to proceed with him going forward, about whether or not you should offer food when he comes over, or if he even wants to be there for mealtime with the gang... without just, you know, fully stone-walling him."
"EDIT: Need to deliver judgement since this is the top comment somehow, so f'k it, ESH. If you're going to exclude the guy from the table, don't hide it behind a flimsy reason like 'him not eating makes me uncomfortable' - that's what your daughter is using as ammo against you bc it's BS."
"Just tell her that you didn't like how he acted outside of not eating and cite how he behaved rudely in previous encounters, and that's why you don't want him at the table anymore - phobia/disability does not give you a pass to leave without saying goodbye or order food on someone else's dime then not eat anything and then spend the entire dinner in the bathroom."
"If you intend to build a more positive relationship with him, though, it might be worth asking him if he even wants to be invited to meals to begin with bc it honestly sounds like he doesn't."
"You are entitled to be comfortable eating in your own home. There is nothing stopping you from disinviting someone from the table for any reason. However, disinviting someone from the table solely because they don't/can't eat can be seen as a-holeish or even discriminatory, which is why OP's daughter in crying discrimination."
"All of this can be fixed by just changing your reason for disinviting him to 'I don't want him over at meals because he acts rudely while also not eating.' "
"Citing his silent departure at the movie/pizza incident, or his ordering at the restaurant event and then not eating, or even just his sitting around awkwardly while staring and not contributing to the social atmosphere while not eating are all valid and shifts the blame from something passive that he shouldn't reasonably be blamed for (not eating) to something active that he can and should be held accountable for (being rude)."
"Your daughter cannot cry discrimination because phobias/disabilities/whatever do not give you an excuse to actively be rude and ruin everybody else's time."
"Alternatively, all of this can probably be fixed by just talking to him directly, which nobody seems to have done." – sixoo6
"Good luck to that dude because that sounds like a horrible way to live. I think NTA because he ordered food at the special event, presumably you paid for it, and then didn't eat it. Did he take it home?"
"And not communicating why he's leaving the room is weird, and yeah, I would find it rude, too. This is the sort of disability that he should get therapy for until he can eat in front of others comfortably."
"Like he spent a special evening in the bathroom. Why? If he wasn't eating then what was the problem? You mentioned he sits there awkwardly. Does he talk to people?" – Thewhirlwindblitz
"NTA - It's ok if he has this phobia/disability but what's not ok is the fact that he doesn't communicate anything about it but will sit in the bathroom or order food and then not eat it. This is rude behavior."
"Not sure why he has to be there at mealtimes if he's not going to eat anyway. Why can't he come over before or after meals?" – Unhappy-Prune-9914
"NTA."
"Phobias are not disabilities, they are anxiety disorders, and her boyfriend either needs to get therapy for his discomfort or - as you have suggested - avoid causing YOU discomfort."
"Edit - I see other commenters are treating the phobia as a disability. For me, the difference is that a disability is not always 'manageable/fixable' in respect of being treatable, although of course accommodations can and should be made. Anxiety disorders are 100% treatable if the person is willing to engage with that."
"It's only not 'none here' because your daughter is being ridiculous, I'm afraid. You're specifically uninviting her boyfriend from meals because of his behaviors. If she had a mobility impaired or deaf boyfriend (for example) I'm sure you would be happy to have him eat with you." – TeenySod
"Unpopular opinion, but YTA. It's (presumably) a young teenage boy learning how to interact with his girlfriend's family, which can take a long time to get used to and comfortable with. Meal time itself is a stressor because what if everyone eats differently then you? (Coming from personal experience, it took me a year as a kid to get comfortable eating at a friend's house I regularly stayed at.)"
"Taking your personal discomfort and directing it towards kids who are learning how to manage their own discomforts and feelings isn't a good example to set for either child."
"I'd recommend taking the time to converse sincerely about this. Not only will it strengthen your relationship with your daughter by showing you care about her and her potential s/o's, but it shows the boy that future in laws aren't inherently scary and you create a safe place." – MangosUnlimited
Overall, Redditors thought the OP was drastic in their decision to ban the boyfriend from dinner occasions with the family and that the more sound response would have been to have a conversation with him to come to an understanding on how to move forward if he is to seriously be a part of their daughter's life.
Redditors also thought the boyfriend's phobia was not an excuse to behave rudely by being so dismissive of the parent's initial generosity and kindness.
Hopefully, a heart-to-heart relationship will ease tensions and help them move on from the awkward dilemma.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp